Adult dc - treating them differently

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Two adult dc - both mid 30s. Have always treated both the same, and tried to support in similar ways. Dc1 has 2 small dc, and tragically lost a child in traumatic circumstances which has affected her significantly. Dc2 is pregnant with her first dc.

Dc1 visits regularly and relies on us for regular support. Dc2 does not and has family support from ILs. Both have well paid, flexible jobs, but dc2 has no financial pressure after marrying into a wealthy family (no mortgage etc).

We are about to come into a decent amount of money after selling an investment property (c.150k). DH and my dsis have suggested we give all of this money to dd1. Her life has been much harder and she needs the money. I would rather split it equally.

What would you do in these circumstances?

Honestly, it sounds like a terrible idea. you will ruin any relationship you have with dd2and most likely her relationship with her sister.

split equally - they are both young and who knows your youngest could end up divorced

My pil had this situation.

the financial support for one child out of three led to a belief that the parents did not like the other two and significant problems in the relationship.

if you do this one child will be seen as the “favourite” and the other will be upset that you do not love them.

Split equally or a near equal split, depending on how a larger share might help, unless there is a huge disparity ie one daughter is a multi million pound property and the other is in a precarious rental situation in which case you should have a conversation with the daughter who you feel doesn't need the money to help her understand your rationale.

I only have teens however I’m a firm believer in treating dc equally when it comes to money.

DC2’s circumstances could change, what happens if she were to divorce her wealthy husband? Would she have enough money to get back on her feet without financial support from you?

Perhaps give dc1 a small amount to get her on the ladder.

You always need to be careful with money as people do equate it with love even people who don’t need the money can feel miffed if they’ve been excluded from family money due their circumstances.

Tread carefully Op and perhaps ask dc2 what she thinks of the idea of you giving her ds the money.

It turns into a judgement about which of your DD’s is the most deserving and which one you are willing to offer the most support to.

I'd caution against giving everything to one.

You might well help solve one persons difficulties but no doubt will create tension, resentment and ill feeling going forward. While dd2 appears more independent and has other support, giving such a gift to dd1 may will change your relationship indefinitely.

Does dd2 understand and sympathise with dd1 difficulties ?

Regardless of dd2 money via in-laws you never know when anyone's circumstances will change.

Is it possible to have a think of your will at this point too and maybe consider offsetting what you give to one against what people receive later if one has a more immediate need now ? (Hope that makes sense)

I would absolutely split it equally.

You’ve no idea what life has in store for your DC2.

what happens if you give DC1 all the money then DC2 has the same tragedies hit? Or DC1 wins the lottery?

Sometimes my time isn’t absolutely equal with kids because of their needs with hospital appointments or the likes. But there’s no reason to not be equal with cash.

My father has just asked me to executor for his will. I have two brothers, so there are three of us. Full siblings. BUT Dad has decided the split The money in to 4 and give me 3/4 and my youngest brother 1/4. This is because my middle brother is a nightmare with money, is now 44 and lives at home with my Dm in a house I own, and fell out spectacularly with my dad a few years ago. On paper I have the most assets.
I am absolutely dreading my dad dying because the shit will hit the fan. I think he should split it more equally because otherwise I am going to get it in the neck. My middle brother will hate my dad and me.
Always try and split it equally, otherwise your relationships with both children will suffer.

definitely split equally, you don't want to cause any resentment amongst the siblings. plus 75k for your dc1 is still a lot of money!

Circumstances can and do change over time.

I would split this money equally between both your adult children. Arguments will otherwise ensue.

I really wouldn’t

In my own family, my other child would say that the first child should have it all. What do you think your second daughter would say?

Absolutely not. Give them an equal share or none at all.

Equal split. DC2 is not responsible for DC1s traumatic loss, so shouldn't be penalised for having a more fortunate life. They can always give money to their sibling if they feel so inclined, but YOU should be scrupulously fair.

I would discuss it with DD2, is any of her “marital wealth” ringfenced by trusts so if her DH does or divorces it would have a significant impact.

This!!

Definitely split it equally

You can do a deed of variation if you want to share your portion.

Equally please. Don't drive a wedge between them.

Equally. At the moment dc1 may need more but circumstances change all the time.

This. Plus who knows if DC2’s marriage or wealth will last. An equal split is best.

Split it equally. It'll hugely affect your relationship with dd2 if you don't.

Split equally or you will cause resentment

Split equally. I think a good relationship with your close family is worth more than money.