Adult dc - treating them differently

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Two adult dc - both mid 30s. Have always treated both the same, and tried to support in similar ways. Dc1 has 2 small dc, and tragically lost a child in traumatic circumstances which has affected her significantly. Dc2 is pregnant with her first dc.

Dc1 visits regularly and relies on us for regular support. Dc2 does not and has family support from ILs. Both have well paid, flexible jobs, but dc2 has no financial pressure after marrying into a wealthy family (no mortgage etc).

We are about to come into a decent amount of money after selling an investment property (c.150k). DH and my dsis have suggested we give all of this money to dd1. Her life has been much harder and she needs the money. I would rather split it equally.

What would you do in these circumstances?

@JWR not to compensate (of course) but to enable her to have an easier life/ spend more time with the living dc she has. Money is tight for them as a family.

If you wanted a compromise, could you split it between your grandchildren once DD2’s child is born? Don’t ringfence too tightly so DD1 can spend it on holidays or childcare or music lessons or clubs or whatever and DD2 can add it to the trust fund or keep it in premium bonds or otherwise save it for a rainy day.

But if you split it between the grandchildren it makes sense to give twice as much to DD1 as DD2. You could explain to DD2 that if she goes on to have more children herself you’ll of course take that into account with any future gifts/windfalls.

NC for this. Hopefully I won’t derail the thread.However, I was amazed when OP said the source of ‘keeping’ DD2 in the amazing lifestyle she now leads, is not from DD2 own hard work or her family’s, but someone else’s.

you say her DH is lovely! Nothing would piss anyone off ( no matter how wealthy and lovely) than being seen by the family if the beneficiary (DD2) as a ‘cash cow’.

your DH and other person have wrong perspectives and unfortunately they are not alone.

even from dd2’s own dignity, she should receive her half from her family.

what DD2 does with it, is up to her (and her DH who is entitled to have a say, don’t you think, even if value wise it doesn’t mean much to them).

so please divide in half. Give dd2 her half and leave it at that. It is not as if DD2 cannot see or doesn’t know DD1’s circumstances and therefore, if they are as lovely as you say they are, DD2 and her DH, would, without being prompted ask you to divert their half to Dd1 (as they do not need it, they would say’.

yes, I am wealthy (from zero) and have no issues sharing what I have, however, these sorts of attitudes bring unnecessary conflicts etc. please avoid this and stick to your decision of dividing by 2. Good luck.

My gut reaction is to share the money equally.

Without a doubt! Anything else is just wrong on all levels!

Alternatively give them each €50k and pay more day to day expenses for dd1 when she needs it. Ie renewal of house insurance, child activities etc.

My lovely parents have always treated me and my brother equally, even though they acknowledge he's a selfish twat who never visits them. He lives in a big house, his wife has a wealthy family. Our house is a shithole and we have no money.
It would be awful if my parents treated him differently nonetheless.

Split it equally.

Her tragic life circumstances don’t mean her sibling doesn’t deserve to be treated well? It would basically mean she’s set up for life and her sibling has to continue struggling.

Thanks all. I agree with all of the comments suggesting splitting is the fair way.

@nodoubtinmind her sibling is the opposite of struggling. She has everything she could ever wish for (that can be bought/ paid for).

You could just choose to split your share so everyone gets the same? It's not your dad's decision what you do with the money so if you truly wish he'd split it equally, just do it yourself.

Split equally. I don't see how you can do anything else without appearing to favour one DD over the other.

Agree with the consensus about splitting equally. Or alternatively, seek DD2's view on it first. Or I like the suggestion about giving them both a lump sum and keeping some of to use as needed.
No one in our family has multi-millions, but we are in a position where we are the better-off couple compared to our siblings. Parents fund things like school trips for the sibling's kids/house repairs etc and when they do they will give us the same amount of money. We have said that they do not need to do that, but they mostly insist. We genuinely mean that they do not need to do it, and have been pleased on a couple of occasions when they have felt able to help sibling without evening it up, but I honestly think a bit of us would feel hurt if it weren't so clear that they thought of us too and wanted to be fair about it. I'm not saying that's something to be proud of or is rational though.

Split it equally. We are going through this with in-laws. They have given SIL a huge amount in no strings attached cash so that she can buy a dream house in an expensive city. Her and her husband both earn far more than us and have only 1 child. It will not be rectified in in-laws will.

It has ruined the relationship, and shows how under-valued we and our 2 children are.

Split it equally. Circumstances can change for both your DD's and it will be too late to undo it if you give more to one of them.

I think you approach your eldest openly and explain you’re selling your investment property with a view of helping out youngest financially and ask how would she like handle it. Say you’re more than happy to give her money now as well or held for a future time or as part of your estate but subject to whatever care needs you need first so potentially less/ nothing. Only give it all to your youngest if that’s what she suggests.

As other people have pointed out, DD2’s wealth comes from her husband’s wealthy family, and this could be tightly controlled by her in-laws. For example, they could live in a house owned by her husband’s family in a trust, meaning that if they divorce, DD2 has no right to half of the property as she would if they had bought a house together.

It would be fairer to split it equally, and would give DD2 the backing of some ‘family money’ of her own.

Equal split.

Errrrr why does only one sibling get a say? They need to be treated equally.

Split equally. But I’d tell the richer sister in advance that you’re selling the property and want to pass the wealth on now because you don’t need it and you know that her sister could really do with her half. If i were the sister and the money were no object I’d pass my share to my less fortunate sibling, but I would keep my share if in fact I felt that I needed a “running away fund” away from my husband’s wealth - I wouldn’t outright ask her, but she will speak up if she wants to gift it and I’d follow her view either way. I wouldn’t make her feel guilty for accepting it - it might be very important to her to be able to do something for her own family, or to have a reserve or just to feel equally valuable. And that’s ok.