Adult dc - treating them differently

[Signsofspringg]

Two adult dc - both mid 30s. Have always treated both the same, and tried to support in similar ways. Dc1 has 2 small dc, and tragically lost a child in traumatic circumstances which has affected her significantly. Dc2 is pregnant with her first dc.

Dc1 visits regularly and relies on us for regular support. Dc2 does not and has family support from ILs. Both have well paid, flexible jobs, but dc2 has no financial pressure after marrying into a wealthy family (no mortgage etc).

We are about to come into a decent amount of money after selling an investment property (c.150k). DH and my dsis have suggested we give all of this money to dd1. Her life has been much harder and she needs the money. I would rather split it equally.

What would you do in these circumstances?

Why should 1 dc get nothing because they made different choices?
I helped dd2 when she got pregnant young. Dd1 will get the same spent even though her circumstances will be very different should she have a dc..

Split equally

Without prying too much, could you explain what that outcome do your DH and DSIS think DD would get from giving her 150k that she wouldnt get from 75k?
I think you should treat your daughters equally, but it would be good to understand specifically what they believe she would miss out on by receiving 75 rather than 150.

I would strongly advise you to split it equally. As others have said, it can cause family rifts for years. Both my FIL and my Dad have experienced this in their families.

You can continue to support your DD1 in other ways, that’s equally valuable.

So you want to penalise dd2 because her life choices and outcomes were better than her sister's?

Sure rock on and give it all to Dd1 and see your relationship with your first child change for the worse.

Would you discuss it with your dd2? Is there a chance that she’d acknowledge her privileged position and be happy with a split more in her sister’s favour? One of my siblings has benefited from more financial help than the rest of us, but our parents discussed it with us and only went ahead when we (very genuinely) said we were fine with it.

Thanks for the comments, exactly as I thought and had planned to do (split equally).

To add some context and to answer questions, the disparity is huge hence DH feels we should help dd1 more. No one should ever go through the death of a child and we are both devastated for her. I think he wants to do whatever we can to make her life happier/ easier to the extent we can. Dd2 is living in a multi million pound house in a very nice part of London. Her and her DH have very nice lifestyles that wouldn’t be impacted by £75k. They go on regular expensive holidays and are having private maternity care for their current pregnancy. Dd1 lives in a perfectly lovely house but any financial gift would have a big impact - they could go on a family holiday, use the money to help with after school care etc.

When the property sale completes, I will talk to DH again and possibly speak to dd2 if he feels strongly still.

@Signsofspringg That’s a sensible approach. It’s quite possible that your DD2 might say that her sister should have more, but start out with the idea of an equal split.
As others have said, circumstances also can change.

Please do not gift one child all of this money. It’s a really awful idea. Your DD2 might choose to offer it to her Dsis, but that’s her decision.
I have a Dsis and we have been treated differently and it kills me.

Maybe your DD2 would be happy with a 100/50k split so she still gets something meaningful. Assuming she’s still in work and not a millionaire money will always come in useful.

Is it a conversation you could have with dd2? My mum doesn’t have a lot but she said she was splitting inheritance 3 ways (I have two siblings). My brother and I are both married, working, financially comfortable etc. youngest sibling still lives at home and has autism though is working mostly part time. We told parent to give inheritance to youngest as we do not need it. Mum felt uncomfortable but honestly I’d rather my sister was sorted, brother felt the same.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress - as I mentioned, the disparity is significant, and yes its multi-millions(!). Neither dd2 nor her (lovely) Dh need to work thanks to his family money. They both work very part time.

We have a similar situation with our 3 in that one of them will need more help then the other two, however we will split it equally and also give equally when we’re still alive because we don’t want to cause hurt to any of our children and it could potentially ruin their good relationship with each other (and also with us). They will need each other when we’re dead, not feeling resentful because one was favourited.

@Timble it would be lovely if dd2 did/said the same but I doubt she will. With her blessing I would he happy to follow DH’s suggestion, but only if she is happy with it.

@Signsofspringg Ah, so your DD2 is living on her husband’s family money.

That changes the situation IMO, because if they ever split up, she may well need your gift. Given your update, I’d split the money equally.

I came on the say equally....
But What! A dripfeed....
A 2m+ house and doesnt really need to work ....?
This is lifetime wealth.
If you put thid is your OP you would not get "split equally" responses

Notionally i'd offer an equal split in that I would ask you multimillion dd if she wanted to forgo her share for her sister...I would do this for transparency and I would fully expect her to help her sister out.

Would your second daughter even need to know that you'd passed the money to your older daughter?

I think this is very interesting, my parents have often spoken about any inheritance being divided equally between myself and my sibling, but if I really think about it I think I'd want my sister to get a bigger share/all of it because I am currently mortgage free whereas she rents. But I totally get why that could cause issues.

Equally. It's not about the money but about the relationship.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp Her husband’s “family money” isn’t her money though. If they ever split up, it’s likely that the family money will be protected in trusts and she won’t be entitled to any of it.

I now think that the DD2 is in a vulnerable financial position now that we have more details.

You will damage the relationship if you give that much money to only one daughter.

if it were a very small amount of money it would be different, but this is too big. The only thing you might be able to justify is giving one sibling their half now and holding the other’s, but you would need to talk to them and explain your reasoning for that.

Dd2 financial security is dependent on her marriage enduring. What if they split and she becomes a single parent?

You could give dd1 more now but even it out in your will and discuss with both dc. If, once your will is activated then dc2 needs money, she would get it. But if she doesn’t, she could decide at that point how to share with her sister.

It sounds like they both have equally well paid careers. The advantage dd2 has is that she has married into family money (but doesn’t really have any of her own) and dd1’s disadvantage is that she has experienced child loss (a horrible but non-financial trauma). Based on what you’ve said, it doesn’t really indicate that one is more desperately in need of money than the other.

At mid 30s though, a lot can change. I am financially well off, but in my 40s, got cancer and can’t work. Your dd with the mortgage free house may find herself long term unable to work in a few years time and desperately in need of a nest egg to keep her going. Things can change very quickly.

It has to be equal, or you will ruin your dds' relationship with each other.