Adult dc - treating them differently

[Signsofspringg]

Two adult dc - both mid 30s. Have always treated both the same, and tried to support in similar ways. Dc1 has 2 small dc, and tragically lost a child in traumatic circumstances which has affected her significantly. Dc2 is pregnant with her first dc.

Dc1 visits regularly and relies on us for regular support. Dc2 does not and has family support from ILs. Both have well paid, flexible jobs, but dc2 has no financial pressure after marrying into a wealthy family (no mortgage etc).

We are about to come into a decent amount of money after selling an investment property (c.150k). DH and my dsis have suggested we give all of this money to dd1. Her life has been much harder and she needs the money. I would rather split it equally.

What would you do in these circumstances?

Split equally or not at all , shouldn't even be a question.

The fact that you think the money would go on a family holiday and after school care as opposed to paying off debt, house deposit, paying mortgage because she's unable to work etc, makes it clear that while DD2 is obviously better off, DD1 doesnt 'need' 150 as opposed to 75 in any way that would change her or her children's lives.
Also, DD2 is living off his families money, and is part time - is she independently wealthy herself or is it all him and his family? Even more reason to split it 50/50 tbh.

Absolutely split it equally.

I think it depends, and not just because of the huge disparity. It’s all to do with communication and what you see this money as being for.

I have two siblings, my parents have not divided equally. However, they had discussions with each of us individually and then gave us the chance to voice any concerns/upset/issues. They explained why they’re not dividing equally and we all agree with them.

I think you should do the same. Be open about what’s going on and your dilemma. Ask them for their opinions. Hopefully your wealthy younger child will see that money will mean security for her sister, and just a fancy holiday for her. With her permission you can split equally. That will build or fortify the sibling relationship rather than ruin it. Or maybe she’ll be utterly against an unequal split and she can explain why (injustice, maybe her situation isn’t as secure as it looks from the outside, she wants something from her for her children not just from their dad etc).

But any which way, by discussing it openly, over however many conversations, there are no surprises or shocks and everything is out in the open and everyone knows where everyone else stands. There’s no need to take exclusive control of this when you’re not the ones who will carry the consequences.

Keep a third & give each dd a third. You then have a reserve you can dip into should either dd need some help in the future.

@CoffeeBeansGalore That’s an excellent idea.

You have no idea how ‘beholden’ dd2 might feel to her husband’s family, you have an opportunity here to let her be the one who brings some family money into the marriage for a change.

Absolutely not. What an awful idea.

Keep the bulk of it but give them both a nice cash gift. Exactly the same amount. You sound like an only child.

I watched a close family fall apart when a parent left everything to one child, citing them more in need.

Honestly, I’d split it equally.

I always think equal split.

Anything could happen in the future whereby child 2 needs extra financial support

If sibling 2 wants to help sibling 1 then let that be her choice but don't potentially cause friction between the siblings.

Not splitting equal could cause sibling 2 to feel very hurt

Split equally

Unless you want to lose contact altogether with DC2

Split equally.

I'm the DC2 in your scenario, although in real life I'm the oldest. Everything going to my sister, because her life has been harder, i'm more fortunate etc. (her life has been harder because she has made very poor choices time and time again). I'm almost 4 months into no contact with DM, it all came to light when my DF died. I cannot begin to describe the hurt you feel when something like this happens. It's not about the money, it's about being made to feel completely worthless. Please don't do it. Most kids, including me, are told that we're loved equally and then a monetary value is put on that and it turns out it wasn't equal at all. It hurts more than I can say. At the very least, speak to your DDs and sound them out. The way I feel right now is nothing, I literally don't feel anything at all. Mother's Day is coming up, it's like an abstract concept I keep coming across in the shops, it means nothing.

I’m sorry this has happened to you, and for how it has made you feel. I definitely don’t want that to be the outcome and don’t want to hurt dd2. But, to be fair to dd1, she hasn’t made poor life choices. Her life has been a hard slog with a painful bereavement. She has worked hard and has made good choices on the things within her control. Dd2 hasn’t made better choices aside from marrying someone rich..!

Keep the inheritance and if DD1 starts falling down some drain, finance her through that. Don't give it immediately and in its entirety.

is DD1 divorced or what is the case?

it is not about the money, it is about the fairness. Keep the inheritance and see how DD1 life is going and plug her in with few thousands here and there IF SHE REALLY NEEDS IT

Split it equally or they’ll have no relationship going forward. If one needs support from the other, be totally fair.

DC2 has made wonderful choices. Good for her

She shouldn't lose out and be punished because she's made good choices and hasn't lost a child and sees a lot of her ILs 😳🙄

I hope you make the fair choice here @Signsofspringg because if not I feel sure you'll be back bemoaning the fact that one of your children is NC

I agree with most of the comments here and want to split equally. DH feels strongly so I wanted to check I wasn’t completely missing something.

You could ask DC2 how she feels about an unequal split? I'm in a more financial position than my sibling, and my parents asked if I would be OK with getting less than her in their wills. I'm happy with this and think it's a good idea ( but would have been unhappy, if they had not asked, to have discovered an unequal split after they had passed away).

I agree with you OP, split it 50:50 between your 2 daughters. One should not be penalised for doing well in life, it’s not her fault her sister isn’t in the same way.

I’m one of three, and it would damage my relationship with both my mum and siblings forever if she did this. I would also never do this to my own two.

In these circumstances talk to dd2, she may say give the money to my sister, or she may reveal that not everything is as it seems and her in laws are funding only what they want with conditions and money can be tight

Equal split only, no other way

It almost sounds as if you are trying to compensate DD1 for the loss of her child, rather than the rationale being to do with true financial need? It doesn’t sound as if she is financially struggling, just not living as luxurious a life as her sister? And as others have said, DD2’s situation is potentially more precarious.

Split equally, but if you want dd1 to have holidays, keep some back and offer to pay for you all to go away. I am the least well off of my siblings, but absolutely think anything left by my parents should be split equally. I would be quite annoyed if they didn't, as it would stir up resentment and I want a good relationship with my siblings.