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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

76 replies

NopeNotFluffy · 24/02/2026 07:24

It’s my birthday next week. I’m taking my three children out for dinner. One adult, two older teens. I have been seeing someone for a while who my children already know, but have only been seeing each other since Christmas.

I think highly of this man but do not see us having a traditional relationship living together, for example. I don’t ever want to live with a man again and have made this clear.

I’m looking forward to spending time with my kids celebrating my birthday- we are travelling a fair distance as one of them lives away from home for uni. So we are going to visit their town and meeting at a restaurant there. It will be me, adult dd and her long term girlfriend, older teen ds and steady girlfriend, other teen dd.

My boyfriend is hurt that I have invited my sons girlfriend but not him. Birthdays are not a massive thing for me- but maybe they are for him and I think he sees it as me keeping him “out”.

My view is that we have only been seeing each other since Christmas so he’s jumping the gun a bit.

What are your views?

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 24/02/2026 07:27

Not really a red flag, just you’re both viewing the relationship differently.

Asnuggle · 24/02/2026 07:27

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NewYearNewMee · 24/02/2026 07:27

I don’t think it’s a “red flag” really, but I do think it’s presumptive on his part that he would be invited - you’ve only been together for 2 months! Your older teen has been with their partner longer.

Id definitely spend the meal as planned with your DC, perhaps ask your boyfriend what he’s planned for your birthday seeing as he’s clearly wanting to be involved in celebrating?

ShredderQueen · 24/02/2026 07:28

I think he is allowed to feel hurt. Not that you have done anything wrong, just his perspective...he is allowed his feelings.

He is allowed to express his feelings.

It is how he does this that could be the red flag. Sulky/stroppy/withdrawing/not letting it go? Issues. A calm "I'm a bit sad, but get it. Have a lovely time." Fine

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 24/02/2026 07:32

How is he reacting to this, though?
If he's just slightly hurt but able to get over it, that's not a red flag.
After all, you've only been together for seven weeks - it's hardly a long-term relationship.

However, if he's sulking or giving you the silent treatment, or being moody and bad-tempered, that's a red flag.

Original poster
NopeNotFluffy · 24/02/2026 07:32

I’m wondering if I am a red flag in this instance as he has suggested that. I absolutely understand that he is allowed to have feelings about it but ds’s gf couldn’t make it originally and so I didn’t mention her name when I said that we were going out for dinner, and he said “I’m glad x isn’t going I would have been upset if she got an invite but I didn’t”

I genuinely didn’t even think to invite him and don’t really want to either.

OP posts:
Humanswarm · 24/02/2026 07:33

I think the fact he wants to spend that time with you and your dc is his way of showing up. Showing he values you and respects you and see you in the wider world, not just you and him and likes to be part of that. I think that's nice. But I also totally accept your views and providing, like a pp says he accepts that's gracefully, its definitely not a red flag. People are allowed to be disappointed and indeed are allowed to make assumptions such as..we will spend her birthday together... how he behaves now will show any red flags. Happy birthday OP! Enjoy regardless.

Seaoftroubles · 24/02/2026 07:33

My view is it's much too early to take him to a family birthday, you have only been seeing him for a few weeks and that's no time at all. To me it is a red flag so proceed with caution here OP, especially if he shows signs of being sulky and stroppy.You and he can always have a private birthday celebration of your own.

SurdEv · 24/02/2026 07:33

Do you mean you’re showing a red flag by not inviting him?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 24/02/2026 07:34

NopeNotFluffy · 24/02/2026 07:32

I’m wondering if I am a red flag in this instance as he has suggested that. I absolutely understand that he is allowed to have feelings about it but ds’s gf couldn’t make it originally and so I didn’t mention her name when I said that we were going out for dinner, and he said “I’m glad x isn’t going I would have been upset if she got an invite but I didn’t”

I genuinely didn’t even think to invite him and don’t really want to either.

Not at all. You're not a red flag.

I'm not sure how you've reached that conclusion.

Can you tell him that the two of you will go out to dinner at some point?

It seems quite a lot of angst for such a short relationship.

Asnuggle · 24/02/2026 07:34

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SurdEv · 24/02/2026 07:34

X post - then my answer is no, tell him there’ll be plenty of other birthday meals in the future.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 24/02/2026 07:35

..............and he said “I’m glad x isn’t going I would have been upset if she got an invite but I didn’t”

That sounds very childish.

Asnuggle · 24/02/2026 07:36

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Original poster
NopeNotFluffy · 24/02/2026 07:37

@Asnuggle It’s my birthday, not one of my DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
NopeNotFluffy · 24/02/2026 07:37

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Which other parts sound childish?

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 24/02/2026 07:38

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It’s the OP’s own birthday, not her child’s.

Asnuggle · 24/02/2026 07:38

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TwistedWonder · 24/02/2026 07:41

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 24/02/2026 07:35

..............and he said “I’m glad x isn’t going I would have been upset if she got an invite but I didn’t”

That sounds very childish.

That’s the line I think could be seen as a bit of a flag.
Think it’s far too early to be involving a man you’ve been seeing a few weeks in family occasions.

I presume you’re doing doing something separately with him? That’s how it should he imo. Family occasions are not for dragging a brand new date along

Cosmication · 24/02/2026 07:46

I think the question for me would be:
Do you ever see him coming to future family birthday meals?
If the answer is yes but it's just a bit too early then fine, he needs to get over it. If the answer is no because you're not interested in that kind of serious relationship then that's also fine but you need to be really clear with this man about what kind of relationship he would be walking into.

LeebLeefuhLurve · 24/02/2026 07:49

“I’m glad x isn’t going I would have been upset if she got an invite but I didn’t”

Blimey, how old is he, 12?

Honestly, if you want to talk flags, I'd call it an amber flag, and in my experience, they're trailed by a stash of red flags.

Myfridgeiscool · 24/02/2026 07:56

Him suggesting that you are a red flag for not inviting him to your family meal, after knowing him for a matter of weeks, would be a red flag for me.
Why does he feel so instantly significant in your life?
Enjoy your birthday meal with your nearest and dearest OP. He doesn’t have that kind of status yet.

thepariscrimefiles · 24/02/2026 08:02

He is being very unreasonable. You have been seeing each other for about eight weeks and I assume that your children have been in their relationships for much longer than that and are already part of your family.

He sounds rather needy and whiny given the short length of your relationship. Him telling you that the lack of an invitation from you is a red flag would make me re-assess the relationshp.

Did you plan to have a separate birthday celebration with just the two of you?

ForAzureSeal · 24/02/2026 08:04

Myfridgeiscool · 24/02/2026 07:56

Him suggesting that you are a red flag for not inviting him to your family meal, after knowing him for a matter of weeks, would be a red flag for me.
Why does he feel so instantly significant in your life?
Enjoy your birthday meal with your nearest and dearest OP. He doesn’t have that kind of status yet.

This. Say more about how he expressed his disappointment (not just that he was disappointed.). If it included suggesting you are somehow abusive then sirens are going off.

Left · 24/02/2026 08:05

How often has he met your DC? Just seems very soon for him to want to insert himself into family meals, and to complain about being hurt. You’re basically dating at this stage.