Is this a red flag?

[NopeNotFluffy]

It’s my birthday next week. I’m taking my three children out for dinner. One adult, two older teens. I have been seeing someone for a while who my children already know, but have only been seeing each other since Christmas.

I think highly of this man but do not see us having a traditional relationship living together, for example. I don’t ever want to live with a man again and have made this clear.

I’m looking forward to spending time with my kids celebrating my birthday- we are travelling a fair distance as one of them lives away from home for uni. So we are going to visit their town and meeting at a restaurant there. It will be me, adult dd and her long term girlfriend, older teen ds and steady girlfriend, other teen dd.

My boyfriend is hurt that I have invited my sons girlfriend but not him. Birthdays are not a massive thing for me- but maybe they are for him and I think he sees it as me keeping him “out”.

My view is that we have only been seeing each other since Christmas so he’s jumping the gun a bit.

What are your views?

Would you think it a red flag, or be hurt, if he did the same to you?

I have a similar relationship. Adult DS and newish man who I don't intend to ever live with. We do attend each other's family events though.

This is what happens when everyone becomes obsessed with red flags. Someone has probably told him that a red flag to look out for is not being invited to family parties. The OP now thinks that if a man raises the issue of a red flag that is in itself a red flag.

I think both parties need to drop the obsession with red flags a bit.

I wouldn't be inviting a boyfriend of 2 months out for dinner with my family either. It's too much too soon.

This!

Can't edit my previous post, but if he has suggested you are the red flag in this, bin him off immediately.

Men like that often hold views such as, 'Women are just as bad as men/women have it too easy nowadays' I wouldn't wait to find out just to have your peaceful life disrupted.

Read the updates now. It is your birthday. And you want to spend it with your children’s partners but not your own. And you “genuinely didn’t think of inviting him and don’t want to.” Then he’s right to take a message from this that he is not important to you (or maybe not even liked!)

If he's nice and your children don't mind I would let him come. If you're not big on birthdays anyway what's the big deal if you take him for dinner with your family? Two of your 3 children will have a plus one anyway. If birthdays were a big deal to you and it was always close family only then I would tell him sorry not this year.

@NopeNotFluffy did you call
him a red flag and he came back that you are ? Or did he just say it to you out the blue ?

I think it’s far too soon , and stick to your original plans . Don’t change because a sulky man is in a mood and expects it .
It could very well be the start of a reg flag. Doesn’t sound like it’s going to be too healthy does it.

She already said she doesn’t want to that’s why.
So he has a strop and op gives in . Not really setting clear boundaries at the start is she .

This however has only been 8 weeks or so , plus op has said she doesn’t want too.

I agree with this. Has he met your kids? It seems way too early to do so, and to be upset about it.

Weird that he would be jealous only if your DS’s girlfriend was invited even though your DD’s girlfriend is also invited….

Surely the reason he would be upset would be not being invited to your birthday dinner full stop not because of who else was invited?

OP hasn't said he's had "a strop", Only that he's expressed feelings of hurt. Isn't that the opposite of a red flag?

No red flags here!

I wouldn’t want him at my family meal either. He’s not family, he’s just some bloke you have been dating.

Assuming you will be celebrating with him separately?

It sounds like he wants things to progress more rapidly than you do.

I don’t think I’d want to have to look after him and his introduction to the DC on a day when you are catching up with DC at a distance the centre of attention.

Him asking if this is a red flag? Apparently that is a red flag and he should be ditched.
OP asking if this is a red flag. Very valid question and he should be ditched.

Red flags are for dangerous behaviour and spotting it. Feeling upset over not getting an invite isn't that.

I think if OP were saying ‘it’s too early for my kids - they are in a delicate place etc’ then that’s totally fine and he should understand that. It would also be understandable if it was only direct family- but she invited the children’s gfs (one of whom is a teenage relationship and she doesn’t say is long term), so if plus ones are included, it’s a bit strange that he isn’t. I also think the fact that he was already a friend before becoming a relationship makes the relationship effectively longer/more vetted. But OP basically just doesn’t sound like she has any interest in spending time with him on her birthday or want him with people she cares about deeply. That’s OP’s right, but it is understandable that her partner takes a message from this - that he isn’t important and isn’t seen as an inner circle person, or even a potentially inner circle person.

This ^^
It is too soon.
It smacks of manipulation or control.
Your new man will have to put up or shut up. His turn hasn’t come yet.
Have a lovely time with your young ones. It’ll be a really special birthday.

Yes, red flag.

-You've only been together with him for 2 months
-You've made it clear that you "do not see us having a traditional relationship living together, for example. I don’t ever want to live with a man again and have made this clear" yet he's acting like you're an established couple
-He's setting conditions on which family members you have dinner with
-He's imposing his feelz in a situation that has nothing to do with him

It's presumptuous and pushy.

It's OP's birthday and she's telling new man she'd rather not spend it with him. Which is fine, her choice etc, but in his shoes I think most here would be questioning it and wondering if the relationship was worth bothering with, even if it was always intended to be very casual.

Agree. As OP has young adult DC I presume her and new partner are way past the age of blending families (and she’s said she’s no plans to cohabit) so I don’t see any issue at all in keeping dating and family separate.

If that doesn’t work for him then they’re not compatible

So he’s trying to guilt trip you into inviting him? Making your birthday about him and his needs? Massive red flag in my opinion. It’s been 2 months and he’s already trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants and prioritise his needs over yours and your children’s? You can invite whoever you like to your birthday. He needs to rein it in.

Hang on, he's accused you of having a red flag? Not sure i like the sound of that.

It's too soon to be inviting him to your family occasions plus how would your kids feel having a man they don't know joining them.

Yes, he's not listening to her. He clearly doesn't respect her boundaries. That's really a red flag, not to mention the guilt tripping and DARVO (that HER behaviour is a red flag).

I’m wondering if I am a red flag in this instance as he has suggested that

He's already suggested you're a red flag, for not inviting him? After seven weeks?

Whoa. That's not good.