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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

76 replies

NopeNotFluffy · 24/02/2026 07:24

It’s my birthday next week. I’m taking my three children out for dinner. One adult, two older teens. I have been seeing someone for a while who my children already know, but have only been seeing each other since Christmas.

I think highly of this man but do not see us having a traditional relationship living together, for example. I don’t ever want to live with a man again and have made this clear.

I’m looking forward to spending time with my kids celebrating my birthday- we are travelling a fair distance as one of them lives away from home for uni. So we are going to visit their town and meeting at a restaurant there. It will be me, adult dd and her long term girlfriend, older teen ds and steady girlfriend, other teen dd.

My boyfriend is hurt that I have invited my sons girlfriend but not him. Birthdays are not a massive thing for me- but maybe they are for him and I think he sees it as me keeping him “out”.

My view is that we have only been seeing each other since Christmas so he’s jumping the gun a bit.

What are your views?

OP posts:
Original poster
NopeNotFluffy · 24/02/2026 11:40

He and my children already know each other and are aware that I am seeing him but they haven’t spent time with us as a “couple” and so that might be weird for them. Not sure my birthday dinner is the right time for it to begin. Low key coffee maybe or drop in at home for a cuppa but formal dinner would be a bit strange- for me at least.

Have used “red flag” as shorthand for “something that I should be wary of” - neither of us has used that term in conversation with each other but have used the concept.

Our relationship is tentative because we did have a false start once before but it moved too fast for me, and since we have been in touch this time round he has said that he thinks I have an avoidant attachment style. I don’t know whether this is the case, I’m seeking therapy anyway so this will be something I consider as part of that, but I do have to acknowledge it is possible and have not dismissed his feelings on it. We both are aware that he has an anxious attachment style and a lot of the last couple of months has been him demonstrating that he’s trying not to push too hard and me demonstrating that I’m acknowledging his need for consistency and remaining present and so on.

The comment from him has made me want to run for the hills and I’m trying to establish whether my intuition is telling me something I should listen to or whether I’m being scared away from what is actually pretty standard.

It feels too presumptuous, and like I should put his need for closeness over my own plans for my birthday with the three people (and their girlfriends) that I love the most in the world. It’s not a big family dinner, my parents and siblings aren’t going to be there, it’s just dinner with my kids and as he isn’t one of my kids/their girlfriends (I’ve known each for 6 months & 5 years respectively) it didn’t even occur to me to invite him.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 24/02/2026 11:44

2 months in is far too early and his behaviour around this would be offputting to me. Smacks of neediness!

TwistedWonder · 24/02/2026 11:52

@NopeNotFluffy - I don’t see you’re foi g anything wrong. It does seem he wants to still rush things and push your boundaries despite you being very clear.

Personally I would be rethinking if this would ever work.

WorstPaceScenario · 24/02/2026 11:55

The bigger red flag for me is a 'partner' of barely two months telling you have an avoidant attachment style. That smacks of someone trying to pathologise your boundaries and use it as a way to circumvent those boundaries

chilling19 · 24/02/2026 11:56

Run - he already has you 2nd guessing yourself and is trying to control you. If you stay he will ruin your birthday dinner by having a tantrum about you going. Run.

UpDownAllAround1 · 24/02/2026 12:18

I have older cheese in my fridge than your relationship. No
way would I expect to be invited and his passive aggressive comments are at least an amber flag

tanoshi · 24/02/2026 12:26

You've known him a few months and he's guilt tripping you because you're spending your birthday with your family. Bin him off and when he asks why tell him to grow up.

Harrietsaunt · 24/02/2026 12:31

I’m sixty, and all this guff about “attachment styles” and navel gazing would put me right off.

At this stage of a relationship it should all be rainbows, flowers and sex.

Too much hard work for me but stick with it if you like that sort of thing.

TwistedWonder · 24/02/2026 12:34

Harrietsaunt · 24/02/2026 12:31

I’m sixty, and all this guff about “attachment styles” and navel gazing would put me right off.

At this stage of a relationship it should all be rainbows, flowers and sex.

Too much hard work for me but stick with it if you like that sort of thing.

100% - makes me wonder how us oldies ever managed in prehistoric times before someone invented attachment styles and love languages.

Its navel gazing bollocks to try and label every form of behaviour.

As you say the early days should be fun fun fun not overanalysing and boundary pushing.

Stillhere83 · 24/02/2026 12:37

I agree with basically all the PPs following your update! It sounds like he wants more than you do to be honest and is not really on board with your desire for a less traditional relationship. He's also not respecting your boundaries and yeah, I'd run for the hills - this is not the time to be joining in a meal with your children and his passive aggressive comments/pathologising of your boundaries are, I think, a genuine red flag.

KatsPJs · 24/02/2026 13:22

Harrietsaunt · 24/02/2026 12:31

I’m sixty, and all this guff about “attachment styles” and navel gazing would put me right off.

At this stage of a relationship it should all be rainbows, flowers and sex.

Too much hard work for me but stick with it if you like that sort of thing.

I’m 38 and I feel the same. It just seems like another excuse to try and force people to behave in desired ways. It once again excuses bad behaviour as people can now link it to their “attachment styles” rather than just the fact they’re being a dick.

You are right to be cautious @NopeNotFluffy- he has already labelled you and has for you questioning yourself to the extent you’re going to bring it up in therapy! And has ruined the excitement of your birthday plans by making it all about him and his needs. He is not respecting your boundaries, needs or family time.

BoredZelda · 24/02/2026 13:29

Have you told him you don’t see this as ever being a “traditional relationship”?

LeebLeefuhLurve · 24/02/2026 13:31

Your intuition is bang on the money. He's using therapy-speak and psychological terms to start controlling you (ask me how I know this). Next he'll start talking about his 'boundaries' (when what he means is, his demands)

Lavender14 · 24/02/2026 13:34

Honestly op im going to go against the grain and say I think it is a bit red flaggy.

I think if you've only been dating since December that's very early for him to be pushing to be included in an event your children will be at. I know they're a bit older but it's still very early to be making introductions in the context of a relationship.

Telling you that you're the red flag is also red flaggy when really you're just holding your boundary.

AuntiePat21 · 24/02/2026 13:34

I don’t like he’s trying to muscle in on your family time after 8 weeks. I would also be cautious of dating someone with an anxious attachment style.

pinkyredrose · 24/02/2026 13:37

Our relationship is tentative because we did have a false start once before but it moved too fast for me, and since we have been in touch this time round he has said that he thinks I have an avoidant attachment style. I don’t know whether this is the case, I’m seeking therapy anyway so this will be something I consider as part of that, but I do have to acknowledge it is possible and have not dismissed his feelings on it. We both are aware that he has an anxious attachment style and a lot of the last couple of months has been him demonstrating that he’s trying not to push too hard and me demonstrating that I’m acknowledging his need for consistency and remaining present and so on.

Oh fuck all that! It's been 8 weeks ffs! He sounds way too much hard work. I'd dump him, it doesn't sound much fun being with him.

ginasevern · 24/02/2026 13:38

@NopeNotFluffy "We both are aware that he has an anxious attachment style "

Yeah, sounds like he's got a cheeky cunt style too. Yes OP, he is a walking red flag. Nobody normal would push to be invited to this dinner after one month of dating. The comment about your son's gf not coming was beyond childish too and actually pretty nasty. I'd run if I was you.

Crunchymum · 24/02/2026 13:41

Our relationship is tentative because we did have a false start once before but it moved too fast for me, and since we have been in touch this time round he has said that he thinks I have an avoidant attachment style

What does this even mean? What happened with this "false start" ?

From your posts so far I can see this man is trying to insert himself in your family life, making you feel bad you have invited someone else and not him to dinner, criticised your "attachment style" (who even talks like this?)

He doesn't sound like a nice man and if this is how it is less than 2 months down the line, I'd be chucking this one back.

FatCatPyjamas · 24/02/2026 13:43

Trust your intuition. He sounds ridiculously needy, and him telling you you're an avoidant is simply him trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Healthy relationship boundaries at 8 weeks in shouldn't be pathologised.

Friendlygingercat · 24/02/2026 14:03

Ie had this kind of relationship with a couple of men where I wanted them to be part of my life, the operative word being PART. I made it clear from the start that I had no intention of living with them or having their children. Unfortunately this is not sufficient for some people and they get jealous and stroppy. That waswhy the relationships ended.

CapacityBrown · 24/02/2026 14:16

Friendlygingercat · 24/02/2026 14:03

Ie had this kind of relationship with a couple of men where I wanted them to be part of my life, the operative word being PART. I made it clear from the start that I had no intention of living with them or having their children. Unfortunately this is not sufficient for some people and they get jealous and stroppy. That waswhy the relationships ended.

Living with them or having their children is a bit different to inviting them to a birthday party.

TFImBackIn · 24/02/2026 14:26

I don't like him at all. He's jealous of time you spend with your kids. He's jealous of their partners. He "wouldn't like it" if one was invited and he wasn't. What form would that dislike take, I wonder?

It's early days and he's got red flags flying around him. I'd end it.

fruitbrewhaha · 24/02/2026 14:40

Even if you did see this as being the start of a relationship where you live together or marry, it doesn’t mean it has to be a rush to get to that point. You can take the relationship at
your pace…..

or sack him off……..

Comtesse · 24/02/2026 14:45

He’s jumping the gun. It’s not his place to ask for an invite.

All this stuff about attachment style is a bit full on too. I dunno if it’s a red flag but it’s a bit much.

Andepeda · 24/02/2026 16:28

I can't see how this relationship has a future. He's far too pushy, it didn't work before and he hasn't changed at all, so how can it work now?

I really don't like the labels he's dishing out, so manipulative, just no.......