Any recovery from an emotional affair?

[maybeexwifemum]

Just discovered that my husband is having an emotional affair with a work colleague. Of course, he followed the script… minimising the situation, not wanting me to see his phone, hiding her messages in a hidden folder etc etc.

From what I can see, they have not had sex. He says they haven’t and I do believe him on this (I knew when he was lying at the start of this discovery). But, he clearly fancies her. She is much younger, prettier and divorced. I’m not sure if the feeling is reciprocated - it does seems more flirting on her part. But a part of the conversation has been him discussing our sex life, calling it “chore sex” and the like. (For context we are in our 50s and have been together for 30 years).

For now, he has left. I’m devastated and am reeling. Turns out he has told several people that he is not happy in our marriage. We have been working on things, and I have been trying to make an effort.

He says that he loves me and he’s screwed up. But in the very long discussions we have had, he also told me he loved her, and when I said the only way to be with me was to cut all contact with her, he said he couldn’t do that. It was an impossible choice. When I mentioned it a second time, he was silent. At that point, I felt he had no fight for our marriage. I’m not sure I’ve seen much since.

Today, he said he would do anything to stay, including cutting contact with her.

Is it over for good? Until today, I loved him. Of course, after 30 years there’s not the same passion any more, but I do still love him and find him attractive. But is there any hope? Would the resentment just breed and lead to a messier divorce down the road? Should I cut my losses now? Or has anyone been able to make it work?

I personally agree on that - I would have mentally got beyond a one off drunken shag I think much easier - it’s much harder when you realise their thoughts and effort are elsewhere and you are a bit secondary - I guess we are all different though and many place more emphasis on the physical - even as a ‘meant nothing, one off’ - I think a lot depends on the kind of relationship you have and if you think it’s very much a decent marriage, meeting of minds, soul mate and all that humph - the emotional betrayal hits harder I feel

I can sense that you want to forgive him and you don't want this to be the end of your long marriage. It is stepping into unchartered territory and that is scary. I don't think you have to make a decision now, you need to give yourself time to think and absorb the shock of this discovery.

I think you should stay seperated for now, maybe a 3 month separation would be enough for you to know what you want to do. He has pursued another woman and he has said he loves her. That is going to be very hard to come back from. You may feel after a few months that you want to have some couples counselling, you may feel that actually, you are doing ok on your own. It will also give you time to see if he is really committed to staying away from this woman and is fully engaging in trying to make up for what he's done.

I know there will be many on here who say there's no way to forgive and you should leave him - only you can make that decision for you. Now is the time to put yourself first and look after yourself.

@maybeexwifemum ask yourself whether you can be in a relationship with a man who loves someone else. He told you this himself.

In truth it’s unlikely that it is some epic love story that he believes it is. In reality she’s probably bored and likes the attention. He’s a distraction not a serious relationship.

If it were me I would demand a 3-6 month separation so that we could both assess what we wanted. I wouldn’t even consider giving it a go with someone that wasn’t 110% committed to rebuilding and taking responsibility for the damage caused.

While separated maybe have marriage counselling once a week but other than that have no contact with him.

During that time plan for what your life would look like without him and consider what he really added to your life.

Right now, for him, staying is the easy thing to do. He has accommodation, a cleaner, a cook, company and ‘chore sex’. But for you to know he really does regret the fantasy he played into, and wants to be with you because he loves you, you need to make being together the harder choice. The one he has to be a better person for.

If he’s not willing to prove to you with everything he has now then you are just delaying the inevitable breakdown of your relationship.

Don't focus on how old she is or what she looks like... this happened because he got complacent and had his head turned. He needs to be the one making himself irresistible to you. Don't make a decision yet, don't be the one to arrange couples counselling or set out 'rules' for avoiding her... make him do the work.... ask him what he intends to do to show you that he's 100% committed to making this work, what he plans to change, how he will know if it's working. If he hasn't been giving all these questions some serious thought then send him away until he has!

Oh, for gods sake, he doesn’t “love” her. He is caught up in the bullshit fantasy ego boost. It is limerance, not love, he doesn’t even know her! How much time have they actually spent together?
He has undoubtedly behaved fucking appallingly. Weak, pathetic, selfish twat and I’m not surprised you are reeling op.
MN will give you an unequivocal LTB but Surviving Infidelity is good for a different perspective. You may well decide to leave him, that might be what is best for you, but it always good to get a range of opinions.
For what it’s worth, I recovered from my DHs not quite affair. It took years though and a metric fuck ton of hard work, mainly from him. I am glad I did and I am happy, but I’d never do it again.

He's a proven liar and is fully capable of betraying you in the most demeaning way.

You'd be foolish to trust him, and if there's no trust, what's the point? As others have said, it will eat you up.

Gone through same recently OP, sending huge hugs and love x its awful
I wouldn't be able to get past the chore sex comment :(

Why are you asking this?

Whether OP found sex with him a chore or not is between OP.and her H to discuss between themselves. That he chose to to share information about their sex life with the OW is a total betrayal of trust.

Your question smacks of trying to blame OP for her H 's betrayal of their marriage.

Chore sex is so cruel, if that's what he thinks of a very personal, intimate loving act between yourselves then it speaks so loudly about what he thinks of you unfortunately x

When someone asks whether there is any way back from a situation, I am interested in finding out about whether there is any way back from that situation, rather than simply taking sides. I realise this puts me in a minority on MN.

I’m not sure focussing on his use of one word in the context of a whole marriage is helpful? Yes he should not have shared that OP is less keen on sex than he is, but it’s actually just part of the script and a fairly standard male attempt at justification.

The dynamic of a keen man and slightly less keen woman isn’t unusual in long term marriages surely , especially post menopause?

I’m so sorry this happened to you op. It’s utterly soul destroying to have everything you believed about your life, your relationship and even your self destroyed before your very eyes. I’ve been through something very similar, compete with my own thread that helped me enormously at the time.

Your dh has been a prize dick but you know him and you know what he is generally like. Is this his usual behaviour or is it completely out of character? If it’s out of character I would say don’t make any decisions quite yet but prepare yourself for a long road of disappointment. If he’s anything like my dh he will have been quietly blaming you for everything wrong with his life whilst simultaneously lighting a match to everything you have build. This kind of cognitive dissonance takes a very long time and a lot of soul searching to undo.

My dh dropped the ow immediately but it took him a very long time to fully accept the pain and damage he had caused and try to make amends. We both went to individual counselling and couples counselling which was helpful but please bear in mind not all counsellors are created equal. I refused to return to the first couples counsellor after only two sessions when she spent more time looking for reasons to justify dh’s actions that trying to help me come to terms with it. On the advice of a pp on my thread I later found a wonderful Gottman Method therapist who was a huge support to both of us.

You can get over this, truly. You may even be able to forgive your dh and make it work but your focus at this stage really needs to be on yourself. I know this is difficult when you are so desperate to make sense of dh’s actions but you can’t change him, only he can do that, you can only work on yourself. Do you make time for friends, hobbies, yourself? If not, now is the time to find out what you enjoy and prioritise the things that you want to do.

During Covid, I put myself on the back burner thinking I was being kind but really I was damaging my own sense of self. Since I found out about dh, I go to the gym again, Pilates, have an entirely new hobby where I have met the loveliest people and make more effort to spend time with friends. I know how painful this is and I really do feel for you. But please, think of yourself first. Book individual counselling before even considering cc and try and do things that you enjoy. There is plenty of time for decisions when you are stronger.

Well even if ypu think you are " not taking sides" you are implying that her H not being happy with their sex life is a valid reason for betraying her.
It isn't.
He should have been communicating with his DW about this , not his OW.

If you are implyong OP should get past his betrayal by encouraging her to think she was somehow culpable for his behaviour. then that is not in the best interests of OP.

No.
Drop him.
Definitely.

I completely disagree.

Why don’t you suggest how you think I should have phrased the question neutrally?

I tend to agree with this, I’m sorry OP. But you’re too good to be second to anyone.

Surviving infidelity like this depends on your being willing to eat the shit sandwich day in, day out forever.

He has betrayed you. Gossiped about the state of your marriage to others.

I think the ow may not have been as receptive as he’d hoped.

I really would keep away from him for a good few weeks. Don’t panic about anything. You’re going to be ok. Despite this pain.

Take stock. He can get a taste of life without you.

@maybeexwifemum I've been the victim of an affair: my wife had a full-on physical affair. I'll give you some advice based on the many mistakes I made.

Give yourself time without feeling forced to make a decision. Yes, he needs to cut contact. He needs to answer all your questions, repeatedly if necessary, until you're confident you know the truth. He should answer all questions, but you may decide there are some things you don't want to ask.

If you decide to stay, you may choose to re-negotiate your marriage, in any terms you like. For example, you may insist on more time on your own - or whatever. He doesn't have to agree to this, of course.

If you decide to stay together, or in the period when you're undecided, he needs to give you regular and frequent reassurance, and complete openness, especially re his phone.

If you decide to stay together, it will be difficult and you both need to be prepared to make an effort long-term or, better still, permanently. You probably won't get over this infidelity, but you can live with it, and even have a better marriage.

Give yourself some space to consider what your divorced life may look like. If you find you prefer it, go for it.

Aw op. What a horrible thing to have happened. My dh had an affair a couple of years ago. We are doing well but it was hands down the worst thing I've experienced.
You don't need to make any decisions right now. You're whole world has just turned upside down and it's like being thrown under water and not knowing which way is up and which is down.
My advice is stick each day to what you know to be true. Right now you know that he believes he is in love with someone else and that he has lied to you. So you need to take some time to decide if you can live with that right now.
Look after yourself and do things that make you feel with happy with people you can trust.
The rest comes a day at a time. You make decisions in your interest and you watch what he does.
Trust your gut at every moment. If it doesn't sound like the truth it probably isn't.
At this point his words mean very little so watch his actions.
It's easy for us all to give you advice but you know him, and yourself more than we ever will. Just take it a day at a time and look after yourself x

Definitely worth a shot. Thirty years is a huge life together to walk away from based on what you’ve explained. Definitely go into it with an open mind to end it if you feel like you’re clutching onto something that’s not there anymore; but it’s worth the investment of time and money imo.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. Sorry for my late response, today has been tricky.

I’m so sorry to hear other people’s stories, men can be so cruel. Allowing it to continue for 10 years, or hearing from your child is truly terrible.

To answer people’s questions, until this weekend, I thought our relationship was strong. There were things that we found more difficult, as there is in any long term relationship, but I had thought we were basically happy, with some niggles here and there. I told my mum today, and she was utterly shocked too. She thought our marriage was solid and happy.

For those who think I three month separation to give us both time to think, I think is a potential idea. I’m not seeing DH for a few days, so maybe we’ll discuss it there. But agree he needs to put in the hard work, not me.

We do have adult children, and that’s part of the reason why I am reluctant to just throw our marriage away. But I don’t know whether the deceit and betrayal will eat me up. He seems to have thrown away our marriage for his fantasy.

But @Askmehowiknow2021 can I please ask why you say you wouldn’t forgive again?

But thank you all for your different perspectives. It has given me lots of think about.

Of course. I mean I’d never forgive him if he did it again. Like your DH, before mine got caught, he did all the usual justifying, compartmentalising, lying through his teeth to himself bullshit. When he got caught he was forced to face the reality of the utter, utter shithead he really was. And he also had to watch me absolutely fall apart. He has had years of therapy to unpick why he made those selfish, entitled, hideous choices and take 100% responsibility. It had nothing to do with me. At all. Even so, I had years of therapy to recover from it. I’d never, ever give him another chance, because I simply would not put myself through it. Once was enough!

Very similar for me.

Mine ex might have had a physical relationship, I could never fully prove.

It ate away at me for 6 years, he was also note the nicest person alongside his EA.

I left after 2 months short of our 30 years married, 34 together.

Everyone deals with things differently but I wonder if that little voice in your head might tell you something to move forward.

BTW, its a shitty situation, don't let him tell you otherwise.

Good luck.

Thank you and thanks to @Askmehowiknow2021. That was very informative.

There is no nuetrality in your question, the suggestion is that op should improve her sexual performance.

How on earth you think a man having an affair should or could spurt a woman on to giving more of herself during sex is crazy, and to suggest she was not up to standard is quite evil.

No wife who's husband has had an a affair will ever feel the full force of love to an original degree, it may be faked but no, full and total trust with intimacy will be affected so giving helpfull hints and advice is absolutely useless, especially to a woman who has been married 30 years who has consistantly maintained a sex life.

Who are you ? a male who thinks women should provide that first time experience sex even after 30 years, because believe me, men don't do that, emotionally or physically.
Or are you a younger lady who thinks they know everthing about sex and seriously can't believe anyone else knows about sex.

Even suggesting this angle makes you look inexperienced about intellegent and intuitive relationships.

People ain't stupid, don't treat them so, it's patronising.

I'm sure op is perfectly fantastic and if she should start to think about others in a sexual way that is her perogative and compltely understandable
The ball is in her court.

In no way should she pander to her stupid husband who if he had any sense, intuition or compassion would know that by betraying her after 30 years would break her fucking heart and would ruin EVERYTHING they had built together.