Is a Clare's law disclosure always a red flag?

[ParapetCreeper]

I requested a Clare's Law disclosure on a man I have been dating.

In 2007, when he was 21, he made almost 50 harassing phone calls to a woman. He also got a work colleague to make some calls.
It stopped when she said she was going to the police. He was never arrested or charged.

THIS WAS YOUR THREAD

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne thank you so much for the swift linking.

also your hyperlink was very menacing 😅

Yes, it does seem to be.

How are you now?
Did you report the rapes to the police?

So that the next victim hears about them when she asks for a disclosure.

@olivietolivie I remember you now. It was such a relief to hear you'd ended it - he sounded subtle and dangerous.

If he’d changed, you wouldn’t have seen the need to make the request in the first place. You had a hunch, you checked, your hunch was spot on.

That mindset is the problem, we need to normalise Clare’s Law requests for any new relationship.

Yes.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWarthank you. @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOneno I didn’t. I was worried about what the process would be or that they wouldn’t believe me. Because who in their right mind would stay and let that keep happening.

I hope that the police would understand by now that man like that are clever and manipulative and can confuse the hell out of your clear thinking. They don't start straight away - who would stand for that? - they build upupto it until they can push and push and get away with wicked acts.

This is not on you.

You absolutely have to do what's right for you, reporting or no reporting. But your self doubt here might not be necessary. [Flowers].

that is a rather bizarre leap and overreach!! it really isn't normal to be worried about a partner to the extent of seeking a Claire law disclosure and we should be encouraging women to step out of any relationship where their instincts are telling them something is wrong. Every abuser is likely to have a "clean" record as far as Clares law is concerned,at some point in their life.

This.

You don’t have to think that something is wrong. The point that I am trying to make is that there are quite a few comments along the lines of ‘it’s not normal to check’ ‘why did you feel the need to request a check’ ‘I have never dated anyone I would need to check’ ‘I have never felt the need to take out any sort of checks’
We shouldn’t be making others question checking even if a potential boyfriend hasn’t done anything to justify asking the question. How many times have we heard about the gradual process of alienation, coercion and gaslighting by then it’s too late. It’s not for broadcasting, but for the checker’s piece of mind. I would rather my daughter and nieces did a check that returns a negative result than be made to feel she’s in the wrong for wanting to check.

I absolutely am going to inform the police, so any future women can be aware.

I'm so grateful for the one who reported it in 2007 as I thought it was my fault/I deserved the treatment. When I heard he has history, I felt relieved and vindicated.
If he had been physically abusive or policed my phone or outfits I would have recognised it as coercive control but because it was more low level i didn't realise he was emotionally abusive.

Unfortunately he started off being really nice to me, although the way he talked about his exes was a red flag, I ignored it because I thought I was different because of our 20 year crush/unfinished business.

I'm not sure if enough women are aware of Clare's law and in my case, he could explain it away as not that bad/frame it as the woman's fault somehow. He says because I lied about my sexual history from 2005 I deserved it.

Really pleased to hear you feel able to tell the police.

Dear God, the entitlement. There would always have been some reason you were in the wrong. He's a cruel man looking for someone to grate raw.

The red flag is the need to check

There is no check without an existing red flag, the police will not disclose unless there is a concern for your safety.
the reasons OP has given are exactly the circumstances where this disclosure is so vital for women who are being gaslit in to believing it’s all their fault
they aren’t going to disclose on men who have displayed no negative behaviour towards you

I am afraid it does not work like this, you can’t check anyone you like, there must be concerning, abusive acts against you

You need to read the premis of the disclosure; you absolutely cannot check any new partner who has done nothing of concern. So to encourage women to do this is disingenuous

But he probably did it to other women in the past and they also didn't report it.

If you'd had a disclosure which included that he'd raped a woman, you wouldn't have continued the relationship. It was because there wasn't anything like that when you got your disclosure that you carried on seeing him.

I bet he has raped a lot of women.

He needs to be stopped.

If you report him to the police, don't hesitate because you think you won't be believed. They understand trauma bonding these days.

You will be saving another woman from going through what you went through.

I do encourage you to find the strength to tell the police about him.

I know it'll be hard. But wouldn't it be good to see him punished at last?
And the knowledge that you'd have prevented another woman from being repeatedly raped should be enough motivation.

The police officer who did the disclosure said that you don't need a reason, it's useful for women to check any new partner.

Although I only checked 6 months in, after he started being abusive.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne that’s a hard read. But I know you’re right. I’m just scared. Scared about the process. Scared of having to say out loud how bad it actually was, how many times, how many different ways. It wouldn’t just be telling someone once. What if he was then arrested. Does it ever actually stop? It takes years to go to court.

What if he was then arrested

He would be, to ask him for his version of events.
He'll deny it, of course. But they'll see that he has a bad history with women, and they'll see that you asked for a Clare's Law disclosure yourself.

Don't be afraid. I do understand why you're reluctant. No woman wants to talk about such things. But there should be specialist officers available to whom you can make your disclosure.

It must be very daunting for you.
It might help if you told them that the woman who gave you your own disclosure didn't exactly make him sound too bad (if I remember your thread aright).

Something doesn't sit right. So 19 years ago an allegation was made against him presumably without any evidence, and the police NFA'd it without ever talking to, cautioning or arresting him.

Why would that show up on a Claires law? So, any vindictive ex could ruin a man's future relationships by making a false allegation or two? Surely not?

@bittertwisted fyi

I think it's likely that the police lacked evidence.
I doubt if the calls were recorded.
They no doubt believed the woman's story but could take it no further.