Is a Clare's law disclosure always a red flag?

[ParapetCreeper]

I requested a Clare's Law disclosure on a man I have been dating.

In 2007, when he was 21, he made almost 50 harassing phone calls to a woman. He also got a work colleague to make some calls.
It stopped when she said she was going to the police. He was never arrested or charged.

Can I invite you to advance search my username for a similar thread I once started and despite all good advice on here I ignored the glaring red flag that was a Clare’s law disclosure and entered a relationship.

Absolutely, yes.

Red flag to me, especially as involving someone else to commit the crime.

Yes red flag. How does he respond to rejection? how does he cope with frustration? how does he express anger?

The Police only reveal this information that is relevant to keep, primarily women, safer. What made you do the check?

I would end the relationship without a second thought.

I'm going to refer to the classic book The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker; "Trust that what causes alarm probably should, because when it comes to danger, intuition is always right in at least two important ways: It is always in response to something. It always has your best interest at heart."
You've now had that intuition proven to be true, you don't need to run anymore tests. The results are in: it's time to go. Run.

Thanks everyone.
I am very grateful to this woman for reporting it.

In response to some of the comments, it may be that he was unaware she had reported him to the police and I don't know if they ever spoke to him. I don't know if the work colleague he got to call her was male or female.
He certainly didn't tell me about it despite claiming the moral high ground as I have had many, many more casual sexual partners than him.

I actually met him in 2005 but never really knew him well until we began dating last year. In response to one of the comments, there's no danger if him being the father of any kids of mine as I'm nearly 50.

The reason I requested it was because of the way he had treated me - he started off being really nice to me, but after a few months it ended in shouting interrogations about my sexual history, and him saying I no longer had potential girlfriend status, and withdrawing sex, hand holding and public kissing because he was upset with my reluctance to disclose my past promiscuity, which he thought was disgusting.

He has now stopped contacting me and I didn't chase him.

Refuge helped me to recognise this as emotional abuse and coercive control even though initially I thought it was my fault, as it's quite low-level. They explained it also shows a pattern of entitlement and controlling behaviour over years.

Be very proud of yourself. You were dead right.

He was 21, not a child. I’d have nothing to do with a man capable of that, I don’t care how long ago that was.

Well done op.

Well done OP. You can have as many sexual partners as you like & he’s a dick for trying to shame you about it. Move on & hope you meet someone good 💚

It's absolutely a red flag. I'd say it's quite worrying that a) you weren't sure it was a red flag and b) you didn't recognise his other behaviour as a red flag.

Reading your update, how he treated you is enough reason not to continue any relationship.

Yes - see who he is

Your op and your next post does not make sense at all

How is he on Clares law if he was never arrested or charged? Clare law wasnt even around in 2007

Clare's law didn't need to be around then, just police record keeping. You couldn't make the request before Clare's Law came in, but you get access to the information recorded before it came in. The information available includes police reports and accusations that did not result in an arrest or charge, if the police consider it relevant to the requester's safety.

Yes. I'm of the mind that men don't get themselves the type of record that would show up in such a disclosure without very good reason.

Having read your latest update - the trash has taken itself out. Excellent! Good luck to him finding a woman in her 40s/50s who has no sexual history but is interested in sex!

More red flags than the Bolshevik revolution right there. You don’t even need the information from the police to make a decision. I hope you reported his behaviour, it helps to build a picture when he escalates abuse with his next victim.

Well done for getting away from him.

Given what you’ve said, would you consider making a report of his behaviour towards you? It will help any future women to see his behaviour isn’t just historic/can’t be explained away as “I was only 21”.

🚩

Well done for getting away from him!

@olivietolivie would you be willing to give a short summary? Mumsnet search function is not the best.

Well done for trusting your instincts and getting away from this awful man.

Well he's a bloody idiot. That's enough reason to bin him.

While I do believe most people can change if they want to, (if), his actions at 21 indicate a bullying and stalking streak, and that indicates a combination of entitlement and lack of moral code. Its a bad pairing. I think the number of people with that combination who choose to genuinely change are vanishingly small.

His behaviour all these years on shows he's stayed an obsessed and rather revolting specimen.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWarapologies I know Mumsnet can be difficult.

can anybody reading this link my thread here please? I’m on the app and I can’t but I really think this could be very helpful reading for anyone that comes across the OPs thread.

if not then trigger warning

he raped me, repeatedly, for months. And rape was not something that came up in Clare’s law disclosure.