Ended a relationship with a fellow school parent and he won't leave me be

[Savvythrifter]

I was seeing a man I met through my child's school, he is the parent of somebody my child was friendly with. Long-term single man, no wife or girlfriend incase anybody is wondering. I need to make that clear.

It lasted 8 or 9 months and was ended (by me) in June of last year. It wasn't a nice 'relationship' as he started to show low level abusive tendencies which I'm sure would have escalated if I hadn't broke it off. (Jealousy, a pervasive insecurity and then a controlling nature came to light)

I'm not qualified to diagnose but do have some experience of personality disorders and he strongly fits the profile of somebody with covert narcissism.

He hasn't left me alone since despite me blocking him everywhere IE calls, texts and 3 social media platforms.

When he has managed to get through to me, despite being blocked, I have made it clear I don't want to have a relationship and will not be taking him back but I wish him well and said I had no animosity towards him.

I think my mistake was being too "nice" and polite I just really, really didn't/don't want trouble at the school.

He calls on a withheld number which I have no choice but to answer as I get calls from private numbers that I do have to take (my neurologist, child's paediatrician, school etc - all come up as private calls)

I have implemented a method whereby now, if I get a private call, I answer it and immediately mute my mic, wait to see if its his voice and if it is I then hang up.

In between all of that he is deliberately positioning himself near me at the school to force contact. Our children are in different year groups and as such use entrances on opposite ends of the street which access different playgrounds.

He has no reason to walk the stretch of the street to use 'my' gate at pick up and drop off, but does so anyway, even though it means him then having to go all of the way back to 'his'

A month or so ago he scared the crap out of me in the morning as whilst waiting for the school gates to open I turned around and he was stood directly behind me, clearly wanting to be seen.

He has also on other occasions waited on the corner along 'my' route to school, where he has no business being. My child's father has also spotted him lurking about on days he does the school run and reported back to me.

2 days before valentines day I got a text from somebody claiming to be his sister asking me to please unblock him. I didn't reply and blocked that number too.

He was calling me again this morning.

I am completely fed up and I'm starting to feel a bit scared by how he gives not one shit about the fact I don't want anything to do with him and is trying to force it regardless.

The thought of getting the school or police involved fills me with dread as the whole thing is frankly embarrassing, but I may have to now.

I'm not sure what I want from the thread be it advice or just to be able to get all of this out somewhere but if you've got this far thank you for reading 😕

You can do a clares law on an ex and you should.

It will better help you understand what you are dealing with.

Report to police. It's stalking and harassment. Ask school to put a note on file in case he's ever helping out in school etc, they can't be aware if they're not told
My son had this from a girlfriend (obviously not school) and she received a caution as kept turning up at his work place etc and making false reports about his behaviour etc
Time to report it and the police inform him it has to stop.

Before I met my lovely late dh I was dumped by boyfriends a few times. Never once did it occur to me to harass them. I just felt a bit shocked then moved on. Some people seem to have such a sense of entitlement they refuse to do this. It's very wrong and it's not your fault. Sorry you are going through this.

Here like some of the PPs to say apply for a non-molestation order as well as reporting him to the police. The burden of proof is lower in the family court, so they’re easier to get than the police pursuing some sort of criminal prosecution. If you get the non-molestation order and he breaches it, you can report it to the police and they can arrest him. This is for England and wales, sorry if you’re anywhere else.

If your dc's dad is aware this is why he's doing more of the pick ups, would he support you in going to the police? Just so you don't have to do it on your own.

Unfortunately I don't have an iPhone nor am I able to save the numbers of anybody important that calls on a private number as the numbers don't show.

My point was that you can ask those establishments to either call you from a number that you can save in your phone or leave a message with a number that you can call them back. They will all do this. It's very unusual for schools to have a withheld number or not to leave a message for you.

Yes very wise not to contact him ever again OP, you're right, he's likely to see any communication from you as a reward for his stalking and harassment efforts

You're extremely naive if you think a child isn't potentially at risk from their mother's stalker.

Ex teacher here - of course let the school know. He’s stalking you on school property and anyway this is likely to affect your child so they would want to know. If a parent had come to me with this issue it would have been taken very seriously and we would have been asking you what we could put in place to help you. It’s also likely that school staff have seen him eg going through the wrong gate but not thought anything of it. If they know, they can keep an eye on it and if the police speak to them they will have evidence to offer.

I hope that the police are helpful and that this man is dealt with. Don’t feel embarrassed, feel angry and take action. This man has no right to make you feel scared and unsafe.

Op I don’t want to scare you, but can I direct you to the work of Laura Richards who goes under the name CrimeAnalyst and encourage you to watch her videos on stalking and harassment.

She has worked with police across the world to educate them on escalating behaviour so they can understand that domestic violence, stalking and harassment alongside coercive control can lead to more serious crime if ignored.

Please watch her videos to get the right terminology and then go to the police and explain what you have to us on this thread.

He is a threat to you and it’s really important you do everything correct not to escalate the situation and that will be working alongside training police officers who will undoubtedly talk to him. I assume he knows where you live, where you work, timings and routines? If you can do anything different to keep yourself safer I would want to know that.

Once you approach the police you will need to approach the school so they are aware it’s extremely important your child only leaves the playground with designated adults on your list. One step at a time and with any luck he will move his focus elsewhere.

OP, I'm a teacher.

I agree with telling the school as well as the police.

Hopefully, there won't be any risk to your child but it's always a good idea to make schools aware of potential risks. We would definitely want to know. Unknown risks can't be managed.

And also definitely tell the police. I had brief involvement with them a few years ago due to harassment from an ex. I had a male officer who was genuinely fantastic.

You 100% need to report him, you’re being too nice.

i didn’t say danger to the OP only? I said he’s a danger, as in he is a dangerous person.

Why would you take an additional risk and not involve the school?

I mean that’s an area in which he’s stalking the OP, so
it would be prudent to ensure the school is aware in case he escalates? And decides to involve the child because he’s a dangerous person!

Oh gosh what a vile little person he is. Definitely police and ask them as to whether they think school should be alerted to his stalking.

https://www.paladinservice.co.uk/get-support…

Teachers don't get furious about issues pertaining to women's safety. Schools are big into safeguarding, you'd report it to the office/safeguarding staff initially and not direct to teacher. But, I'd probably report to the police first. On the non-emergency number. Either way, I'd be reporting it, and him, because he's crossed several lines and you sound scared, which is understandable! I wouldn't rule out asking your kid's dad to have a word too. Depending on the dynamic / how volatile this guy is / what your ex is like. Sorry to hear, it's not nice, I really hope it can be dealt with positively without further repercussions.

Harassment/stalking. Keep a log of all interactions and tell the police about it now.

I'm going to echo the others and say report him to the police for harassment and stalking.

Let your work know you have a stalker and give security, if you have it, his picture.

I think the school should be made aware once you report it to the police. He's approaching you on school grounds.

Keep your head on a swivel and change up your routines. If you have a car, check for trackers. Get a Ring or other camera doorbell. You might have to change that private number you use.

Good luck.

OP you’ve had some good advice on here and you’ve also had some people giving you a completely undeserved rough ride. This man is stalking you and he is dangerous. You have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to feel embarrassed nor ashamed of. You’re not talking up anyone’s “valuable time,” you need help and support.
Contact the police in the first instance. You can do this tonight. When you speak to them, you tell them clearly, “I am being stalked by my ex-partner. I separated from him last year and since then he has refused to accept the separation. He is escalating and I am concerned for my safety.” I don’t know which area you live in (and don’t need to) but different police forces some are better than others. A statement like this tells them this is a domestic violence related stalking case. Tell them that you are aware that this person has history with an ex partner and you would like them to undertake a DASH assessment with you, and also to talk about whether the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme is appropriate (also known as Claire’s Law).
the police can support you to speak with school to consider reasonable adjustments eg picking your child up from a different place in school or varying start/finish times x

You need to make notes of the time/date of the instances that he's contacted you. Keep any messages you have received from him. Contact the police, as this is harassment - the legal definition is two or more instances is deemed harassment. I echo others, I work at a school, and yes, once you have reported to the police, you need to contact the Safeguarding Lead at the school. This man is harassing you on school property, and is also using his own child to try and instigate contact. The school may be able to offer you alternative arrangements for you to collect your child.

You aren't overreacting. As this man has been cautioned for harassing another woman, I would urge you to ask for a Claire's Law request. The police will be able to advise you regarding this.

Yes and make sure it has powers of arrest attached to it, otherwise if he breaches it police can't do anything.

This happened to me. Also a parent from the school. He stalked me for 2,5 years. Eventually it got worse and I confided in friends and family that encouraged me to go the police. I first had a lawyer write a cease and desist letter. It got better and then started again. Then I went to the police. The police did not do much honestly and they closed the case saying no evidence. But luckily I think it knocked some sense into him because we are at 7 months that he has now stopped.

This happened to me. Also a parent from the school. He stalked me for 2,5 years. Eventually it got worse and I confided in friends and family that encouraged me to go the police. I first had a lawyer write a cease and desist letter. It got better and then started again. Then I went to the police. The police did not do much honestly and they closed the case saying no evidence. But luckily I think it knocked some sense into him because we are at 7 months that he has now stopped.

Defo report to the police. He is stalking you.

Not at all daft to document it all, OP! Very powerful when the repeated contact is all documented in the same place, as police can see the repeated nature of his campaign of harassment (which is what this is).

Sorry you’re going through this.