Ended a relationship with a fellow school parent and he won't leave me be

[Savvythrifter]

I was seeing a man I met through my child's school, he is the parent of somebody my child was friendly with. Long-term single man, no wife or girlfriend incase anybody is wondering. I need to make that clear.

It lasted 8 or 9 months and was ended (by me) in June of last year. It wasn't a nice 'relationship' as he started to show low level abusive tendencies which I'm sure would have escalated if I hadn't broke it off. (Jealousy, a pervasive insecurity and then a controlling nature came to light)

I'm not qualified to diagnose but do have some experience of personality disorders and he strongly fits the profile of somebody with covert narcissism.

He hasn't left me alone since despite me blocking him everywhere IE calls, texts and 3 social media platforms.

When he has managed to get through to me, despite being blocked, I have made it clear I don't want to have a relationship and will not be taking him back but I wish him well and said I had no animosity towards him.

I think my mistake was being too "nice" and polite I just really, really didn't/don't want trouble at the school.

He calls on a withheld number which I have no choice but to answer as I get calls from private numbers that I do have to take (my neurologist, child's paediatrician, school etc - all come up as private calls)

I have implemented a method whereby now, if I get a private call, I answer it and immediately mute my mic, wait to see if its his voice and if it is I then hang up.

In between all of that he is deliberately positioning himself near me at the school to force contact. Our children are in different year groups and as such use entrances on opposite ends of the street which access different playgrounds.

He has no reason to walk the stretch of the street to use 'my' gate at pick up and drop off, but does so anyway, even though it means him then having to go all of the way back to 'his'

A month or so ago he scared the crap out of me in the morning as whilst waiting for the school gates to open I turned around and he was stood directly behind me, clearly wanting to be seen.

He has also on other occasions waited on the corner along 'my' route to school, where he has no business being. My child's father has also spotted him lurking about on days he does the school run and reported back to me.

2 days before valentines day I got a text from somebody claiming to be his sister asking me to please unblock him. I didn't reply and blocked that number too.

He was calling me again this morning.

I am completely fed up and I'm starting to feel a bit scared by how he gives not one shit about the fact I don't want anything to do with him and is trying to force it regardless.

The thought of getting the school or police involved fills me with dread as the whole thing is frankly embarrassing, but I may have to now.

I'm not sure what I want from the thread be it advice or just to be able to get all of this out somewhere but if you've got this far thank you for reading 😕

You've said your piece. Could you please just leave the thread to support the OP, who is clearly scared and is right to be so? Stalking men are dangerous and you making the thread about yourself isn't helping.

If you want to minimise abuse towards women, there are other places. Reddit is nice this time of year.

Another vote for reporting to the police. Don't be embarrassed, you've done nothing wrong. If he is still persisting after you broke up in June last year, he needs dealing with.

I would let him know that you will inform the police if there is any more contact from him. I would also let the school know that you have have had to warn him that you will speak to the police if he contacts you again and that you are informing them in case the situation escalates as you both have children in the school.

So sorry you're dealing with this OP. This is stalking and harassment, lets be very clear, and he has no right to subject you to this. Ignore anyone trying to minimise his behaviour or belittle your concerns.

I would also suggest contacting the police, and be clear you are reporting him for stalking and harassment. It might also be worth submitting a Clare's Law request, as if he has been reported by others previously it may expedite police involvement in your case.

Also, let your loved ones know what's happening so they can support you. It's extremely unnerving being subjected to stalking.

Edited to add, perhaps consider changing your phone number, though I may wait to do this until after you've spoken to the police so you have evidence of the fact that he's harassing you with anonymous calls

OP I just thought, have you told your child that you and this man are 'no longer friends' and your child should never go anywhere with him? Just in case.

He calls on a withheld number which I have no choice but to answer as I get calls from private numbers that I do have to take (my neurologist, child's paediatrician, school etc - all come up as private calls)

You can save all these numbers under those headings so that you know who's calling and ignore withheld numbers. They will leave a message if you don't pick up.

This!

Police and is there any chance ex or a friend/ family member can do a few drop offs with you? ( a male would be ideal )

Tell the police.

Police, now. These type of men frequently end up harming or killing women.
The embarrassment and shame lies with him, not you.

School should intervene tbh and should ask OP if she wants to drop off / pick up her child earlier than usual.

It is/isn't a danger to the child as its highly unlikely the child will be harmed but if the child's mum is feeling harassed and distressed this could lead to the child feeling distressed too

I was attacked off another school parent a few years ago ( my dysrpaxic child had fell into her child and despite being told by teachers it was an accident she still attacked me / harassed me )

It was nothing to do with school but they let me pick / drop my child off earlier until I felt comfortable again

This. He's stalking you. I think unfortunately you will also need to speak to the school as there's a clear safeguarding risk here for both of your kids and others in the area. I'd also do a Claires law request

Can you save a withheld number ?

Have you got an iPhone? There’s a new screening feature that asks every caller to say who they are and what they want before passing the call through. It will then say their name and reason for call so join a choose go pick up.

The schools, etc. will have numbers they can call you from that aren't withheld.

I think police might want to speak to the school given the situation and the locus of the stalking to rule out any child safeguarding concerns. OP should definitely give the school a heads up.

No reason to be embarrassed OP he should be ashamed not you.

As someone who has been stalked not once but fucking twice, report this to the police pronto. It doesn’t go away.

I think you need a dose of reality love.
An ex snatched one of my kids from school - not his child and held her for over half an hour in his car until the police found them.
He wanted to 'teach me a lesson' for dumping him.
He told school I'd asked for him to pick her up, her teacher had seen us together on the playground when we were a couple.
OP needs to speak to school and the police.

I would report to the police, but I would also report to the school. No, it’s not a school issue per se, but if another parent is stalking a family within the school it does present significant safeguarding issues for your child and they need to be aware. It will help paint a wider picture of concerns they probably already have.

Police as soon as. No more nice polite girl - non molestion order asap. Thankfully police are finally taking this kind of abuse seriously

Your fury should be directed at the guy who is harassing OP

Yes they are thankfully. With good reason

Please don't be embarrassed. You are not responsible for how someone else behaves.
How this man is acting is not normal & he could get worse. It is time to start telling the right people & asking for help. You need to speak to the school, the police and your child (so they don't wander off with him).
You shouldn't have to live like this.

Thank you for the replies and not minimising how it feels. It really is stalking and harassment isn't it?

I think I'm going to report it today.

I did consider sending a message saying "do not contact me again or I will report you" but held back.

I'm concerned that any contact from me, positive or negative, is giving him what he wants - contact and attention.

I think, knowing him as I do, if i were to reach out saying leave me alone then immediately going silent again it will set him off and he'll come straight up to me on Monday morning.

Unfortunately I don't have an iPhone nor am I able to save the numbers of anybody important that calls on a private number as the numbers don't show.

At the risk of sounding daft, I've been documenting everything through ChatGPT so I have a record of the repeated calls and times I've been approached.

My child's father has taken on more of the school pick ups to mitigate how often I come into contact with him which has helped somewhat but doesn't deter him from still trying to reach me.

RE the children - mine is aware we are no longer friends and not to have any contact whatsoever if seen at school. He actually tried using his DC as another way of getting through to me by having them approach my DC in school and ask if we can schedule a sleep over.

That is how audacious and deluded this man is.

RE his past - I'm aware he received a caution for harassing his ex 10 years ago. He brought it up himself and framed it as a custody dispute, I'm sure there will be much more to it. That admission factored heavily into why he was dumped.