I have been thinking a lot about a thread and all the comments in it from the last few days - been deleted since. A woman shared her story of having an affair, long story short, she gave herself the excuse that it was just to break the boredom in her life, the dull routine of raising kids and a long-standing relationship. She concluded it all by saying that she would not tell her husband about her long affair. The comments shocked me. While the vast majority was on the same page I find myself on in a situation like this, there were some that absolutely shocked me to my core. I believe when you cheat, the damage is done, it cannot be reversed, but the grownup thing - the right thing - to do is to at least own up to what you've done, and tell your partner. That way, even though it is painful, the partner doesn't have to live a lie, and they can decide what they would want going forward, giving them some agency in the relationship they signed up for. That's what I believe in. I think it is despicable to just cosy back into your old life, you internally forgive yourself, how convenient, and make your partner live a lie, thinking they have a faithful partner. The thought of potentially living an entire life like this is such a disrespectful thing. I care very little for excuses like "it was a mistake" - cheating is ALWAYS a choice. Nobody is forcing anyone to cheat. Especially long-lasting affairs, please, that's as far from a mistake as it can be.
Anyway.. There were comments that urged the woman not to tell her husband, because it would just invite drama, and distrust going forward. And why would anyone want to to do that? First of all - excuse me?! Going forward? Second - How could anyone look in the mirror and sleep well doing something like this? Just be so self-absorbed that you think it's ok to lie for ever about something like this, disrespecting the partner they supposedly love? Like petty children trying to get away with a stain on the carpet. We are adults, civilised, grownups... Or at least, we should be. The argument of "oh they will be devastated" will never stand for me. It might be painful, but at least it is the truth. And don't know about you, I'd rather live in the truth than a lie that I have no say in. (Those who said they would rather not know if their partner cheated are also beyond my comprehension.. wow)
What really got me was this - I have seen a username or two, who were very fact of the matter, casually supported not telling the husband, because that would make the woman look bad - while I have seen them in other threads calling men selfish disgusting pigs who even glanced at other women. What is this? Mind-blowing. I would suggest the very same to both men and women, and it boggles my mind how people would form such double-standards...crazy.
I feel very strongly about the topic because I have seen many good friends and family members be destroyed by such actions.
What do we think? Does it make sense for you not to tell a partner? Do you think it is ok to tell a female cheater that it's ok, while telling a male one that he's an irredeemable piece of trash?