Morally dubious suggestions regarding cheating

[exhaustDAD]

I have been thinking a lot about a thread and all the comments in it from the last few days - been deleted since. A woman shared her story of having an affair, long story short, she gave herself the excuse that it was just to break the boredom in her life, the dull routine of raising kids and a long-standing relationship. She concluded it all by saying that she would not tell her husband about her long affair. The comments shocked me. While the vast majority was on the same page I find myself on in a situation like this, there were some that absolutely shocked me to my core. I believe when you cheat, the damage is done, it cannot be reversed, but the grownup thing - the right thing - to do is to at least own up to what you've done, and tell your partner. That way, even though it is painful, the partner doesn't have to live a lie, and they can decide what they would want going forward, giving them some agency in the relationship they signed up for. That's what I believe in. I think it is despicable to just cosy back into your old life, you internally forgive yourself, how convenient, and make your partner live a lie, thinking they have a faithful partner. The thought of potentially living an entire life like this is such a disrespectful thing. I care very little for excuses like "it was a mistake" - cheating is ALWAYS a choice. Nobody is forcing anyone to cheat. Especially long-lasting affairs, please, that's as far from a mistake as it can be.

Anyway.. There were comments that urged the woman not to tell her husband, because it would just invite drama, and distrust going forward. And why would anyone want to to do that? First of all - excuse me?! Going forward? Second - How could anyone look in the mirror and sleep well doing something like this? Just be so self-absorbed that you think it's ok to lie for ever about something like this, disrespecting the partner they supposedly love? Like petty children trying to get away with a stain on the carpet. We are adults, civilised, grownups... Or at least, we should be. The argument of "oh they will be devastated" will never stand for me. It might be painful, but at least it is the truth. And don't know about you, I'd rather live in the truth than a lie that I have no say in. (Those who said they would rather not know if their partner cheated are also beyond my comprehension.. wow)

What really got me was this - I have seen a username or two, who were very fact of the matter, casually supported not telling the husband, because that would make the woman look bad - while I have seen them in other threads calling men selfish disgusting pigs who even glanced at other women. What is this? Mind-blowing. I would suggest the very same to both men and women, and it boggles my mind how people would form such double-standards...crazy.

I feel very strongly about the topic because I have seen many good friends and family members be destroyed by such actions.

What do we think? Does it make sense for you not to tell a partner? Do you think it is ok to tell a female cheater that it's ok, while telling a male one that he's an irredeemable piece of trash?

"It's acceptable to cheat and then lie about it as long as you get a financial benefit from doing so."

Wow.

I know what the idiom means, thank you. I just don't undertand what you mean in this context. Your partner's cheating did not happen in a vacuum. So they are a victim of circumstances, been influenced by something? Wow.

I don’t know if it is possible to explain shades of grey to someone who only sees in black and white.

I despise cheating and will always judge a cheat. If I caught someone cheating on me it would be the end of our relationship but I would want evidence or an admission rather than suspecting.

That said, if someone reveals their cheating the reason for doing so is equally as important as the issue itself. So many people seem to reveal because THEY feel guilty about what they’ve done, in which case their admission is nothing to do with protecting their partner or offering them the choice to leave or stay with full knowledge and everything to do with relieving their own uncomfortable feelings around what they did. However I find the deception element worse than the cheating in many ways. I think the dichotomy reveals what a complex situation it is and how many of us are somewhat hypocritical in how we think about it, again a reflection of the complexity.

My wife cheated on me. I knew about it. I confronted her many times and she denied it, until eventually she had to admit it. Then she left me. I begged her not to, I would have done anything to keep our marriage together because I loved her and I didn’t want our DD to grow up with divorced parents.

I would much have preferred it if ex-W had had the affair, I hadn’t known, and she’d ended it and carried on with our marriage. Three years post-divorce that is still what I think.

Everyone is different. You’re entitled to your view but not entitled to sit in judgment on people who don’t share it.

Pretty strong assessment of my entire character purely based on how I view cheating as an act done by cheater. You can colour it any way you like, I am willing to wager that not one person held a gun to your partner's head and forced them to cheat on you. There are many explanations, many factors. A cheater CHOSE to cheat. You don't need to be black and white to understand that.

Pretty strong assessment of a situation you are determined to believe you know better than me about.

You know it is pretty much a "no, you! no, you" situation, right?.
I am not trying to convince you of anything, enjoy your life, live by your rules.. But there are facts you can't distort or take away the impact of with convenient explanations. Not one in the history of mankind cheated that was not their own choice. Whatever trauma, substance use, or whatever is the details, the fact will stay the same.

A core mantra in infidelity circles that while the betrayed spouse should own their 50% (or more) of the problems in the marriage, they bear zero responsibility for the affair itself. That responsibility lies solely with the cheater because there are many things cheaters can do to solve their marital issues: tried to talk with spouse, encourage spouse to go to marriage counseling, go and stick with marriage counselling, separate, divorce.

In your case, your wife chose to cheat. She's responsible for that decision, not you.

And generally, people don't cheat because they're unhappy in their marriage. They cheat because they need external validation and they feel entitled to cheat. What drives them to cheat generally has little to do with the spouse, although that is little comfort to betrayed spouses.

I think betrayed spouses often WANT to take the blame for their spouse cheating, because that way they can control it. If it's your fault, then you can fix yourself so cheater doesn't cheat again. But it's a bandaid on an aneurysm, because the problem was always the cheater's character and immaturity.

People have different values and priorities. Honesty is clearly a priority for you, for others maintaining a family unit or not hurting someone's feelings may be the priorities.
I wouldn't want to know if my DH had an affair as long as it was over, he felt remorse and had been discreet. Being faithful is the top of the list for many in terms of what they value in a relationship, it isn't for me. That's not to say I think affairs are okay, I don't, they're awful and I know they can cause so much pain to a lot of people, but not everyone is as deeply affected by it.

Your wife would likely have left you anyway. You didn't make her leave because you confronted her about cheating.

Would you really have been able to stay married knowing she was having affairs?

You know, my mother stayed and stayed and stayed with my serial cheater father. I believe the physical stress and mental destruction caused by his affairs and disrespect were major causes of her having a heart attack in her 40s. She died 20 years later from sequelae of that heart attack. I wish wish WISH that she'd had the self-respect to end the marriage, because then maybe I'd have had her longer. And btw it was MISERABLE for my sister and me to grow up with this. We knew what was going on. We knew our mother was crushed and despairing because of Dad's fucking around. It damaged both of us, with particularly terrible long-term consequences for my sister.

It's actually harmful to the children to keep a family unit intact when its foundation is rotten.

I didn’t suggest she left me because I confronted her. I said I’d prefer it if she’d just closed down the affair and stayed and I hadn’t known. Second best would have been that after I told her I knew, she’d agreed to work on our marriage instead of leaving me for someone she’d known less than 3 months.

I never thought I’d be someone who would accept infidelity but when it came to it, with a shared life and a child and the fact that I loved her, I would have done anything to avoid the outcome I got.

People are different in their personal morality i suppose.
I think it difficult for many to live with distorting their partners perception of reality and you would l've in fear of the secret being discovered at any moment or it being blurted out during duress.
I feel a cheat can be forgiven but the prolonged deception is harder to forgive .
After my husband died aged 48 yrs i received an anonymous letter saying he had a 3 yr affair with a woman, who had also died. The letter was cruel saying my DH would have left me and our kids had she not died. I never had reason to suspect my DH in 28 yrs and there is no corroborating evidence(beleive me i searched), but it psychologically tortures me that my whole life could have been a lie or that someone hates me so much they want to hurt me (if you can be hurt anymore than premature loss of your DH)
Personally i think honesty is the best policy.

That is tough, @allthingsinmoderation I am so sorry you had to experience something like this.

I’m with my husband for over 20 years (not all of it married obviously).
He’s a cruel (diagnosed as far as I know, narcissist) and manipulative person. He openly admits to punishing me for slights he perceives I have committed.
I stay with him because we have a severely disabled child (a brilliant one but life is difficult and 95% of anything related falls to me). I’m happy for people to advance search me for remarks I’ve made about him before. I never lie about anything (or exaggerate) on here or in real life.
I fervently wish I had the “gumption” to cheat on him because obviously then he’d leave. I’ve had more than a few “opportunities” (not from my choice or behaviour btw).
But I can’t.
It’s not because of our marriage vows. As far as I’m concerned those were somewhat nullified by his assertion that he didn’t realise he had to “forsake all others” because he didn’t want to.
Do I think he’s cheated - probably. Do I have evidence- no.
Would it devastate me if he did No - it’d be liberation day. But he wouldn’t ever tell me, he’s not brave enough.
I can’t bring myself to make a decision (to leave or otherwise) that would even possibly cause problems for my child. That’s what keeps me here, not the fucking vows.
I’m no hero or morally superior person.
But I understand how variants on situations (maybe like mine or a lot more “minor”) could make someone take the “fuck it” route. Of either sex.
Marriage isn’t the greatest thing.
I am always very very saddened when i see posts from people discovering affairs and being heartbroken. That isn’t an experience I can live through but empathy affords the imaginative experience- I think it’s horrendous to deeply love someone and be betrayed.
But I also think that maybe a lot of marriages aren’t like that in reality and hence “straying” is more likely. That, or the person cheating is an utter cunt and while it feels awful to realise that, it’s better overall to know and life can (sorry this sounds easy to say, I don’t mean it’s easy to do) move on.
Life is very short.
How much easier it would be if people were mature enough to say I know what I said on our wedding day but that’s not how I feel now and so on..

I'm very sorry she did that, it's cruel.

Not one in the history of mankind ran someone over with a car that did not choose to take that risk. Whatever running out between parked cars, distraction, or whatever is the details, the fact will stay the same.

Very true. I agree with you. And yet, it proves absolutely nothing when it comes to our topic. Because choosing to drive and knowing that there are a million things to be aware of is so far from the concept of choosing to cheat that I don't even know where to start...

I guarantee you, you will struggle to find anyone who will see your point or base for comparison.

It would only work if you compare someone who decided to cheat with someone behind the wheel who actively decided to do something unlawful? And it only works for the act of choosing to do something wrong, not the responsibility of anything happening if you decide to drive. What are you saying? That going outside you take a deep breath and hope your walk will go ok without accidentally cheating on your partner through no fault of your own? Please.

Anyone reading this - please help me out. Does @moderate's comparison of a cheater choosing to cheat and anyone deciding to drive an accurate one for you?

See I disagree here. Of ALL the situations involving cheating, especially if the woman was the cheater, they were very very unhappy in the marriage and felt completely trapped and the affair just kind of fell in their lap, often through work. In many of these cases the husband was kind of an abusive dick. The cheated on partners love to put 100% blame on their spouse and play the victim. It's crazy to me how ten years of consistent abuse leads people to go 'oh, don't break up your marriage, get counselling' but a 1 night stand and it's blow the marriage apart. It's a very white opinion on cheating. Most cultures around the world are more pragmatic.

I think the poster is saying that other factors were at play when her partner cheated. She hasn't gone into the detail, but I believe that's the crux of it.

I always find double standards on here astounding, BUT, on the subject on revealing a historical affair, views will differ.

Some people think it's selfish to do so.. and the person is just trying to ease their own guilt.

Not everyone (male or female) who was cheated on will want to know about the affair and feel they have been pure in a difficult situation by being informed.

I agree with you.

Cheating is a disgusting thing to do to someone.
I know because my first H did it to me and the fallout and the shattering of my confidence, trust and peace was devastating.
I always said if you fall out of love with me, don't cheat just tell me and we can finish.
But that isn't what he did.
I ended up alone for years with a 6 year old who was absolutely devastated and a four month old who has no memories of their parents living together.

Cheats are selfish, gutless cowards who don't care about anyone or anything other than themselves.
I would never put anyone else through what I went through.

I'd guess that the posters who think that woman should say nothing and carry on are probably that way inclined themselves.

To that level I do not disagree, everything has so many details in life, but no matter how we slice it, the act of cheating is always a decision. Always. It is never something that is by accident, never something that happened through no fault of the cheater. That's why i can't wrap my head around it. Happy marriage, unhappy marriage, good sex life, bad sex life, being drunk or not, someone practically offering themselves to you or you pursue, we can say they matter, sure, for context, but at the end of the day, there is a choice, regardless of these. And that is the main thing, no reasoning or detail inspection can change that.

@exhaustDAD
It would always be a choice. No-one can honestly deny that. It just might not always be the kind of choice that has the devastating impact that it mostly does. For anyone who loves their partner then of course it’s horrific.

exactly!