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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was I in the wrong to ask partner for a cuddle ?

76 replies

lulu55xxx · 17/02/2026 09:47

We have been together 5 years now.
At first it was cuddles and affection and trips and made me feel on a high all the time.
5 years down the line ..slowly it’s all changed.
When I try and talk to him about anything ..he says I’m trying to cause a argument and he will raise his voice and shout.
Hes only affectionate on his terms.
He will flip any argument so im the bad person.
The only family I have left is my dad and him.
Last night I was upset,health worries and I just asked him for a quick cuddle ..he said no.
He said you know I hate cuddling ,I just said I just needed something.
He flipped saying I had caused a argument and today he was away with work and he hoped he would crash his car and I would forever know our last night together was a argument caused by me.
Then he said he would not ring me when he got there so I would worry he crashed (my anxiety is bad at the minute due to past trauma and loosing family )
I obviously got upset and he said I was fake crying.
Anyway I apologised and then this morning he said he would cuddle now,so we cuddled In bed before he left .
Was I wrong to ask for a cuddle ? Knowing his not a fan ?
i stupidly do it when I’m sad and I know it causes arguments.

OP posts:
lulu55xxx · 17/02/2026 09:48

Also he’s a total different person with others.
We went on a partners weekend away with his work mates and he was asking for kisses ,moving me closer,stroking my arm,dancing with me etc
Then we get home and I’m begging for a cuddle

OP posts:
Koolforkatz · 17/02/2026 09:48

What constitutes a cuddle? Is it just a hug? That seems very mean of him not to give you a hug. Jesus

lulu55xxx · 17/02/2026 09:49

@Koolforkatzyeah just a hug

OP posts:
AliasGrape · 17/02/2026 09:50

He’s a terrible person and a terrible partner. Not just the refusal to give you a hug to comfort you but the emotional abuse and threats afterwards.

It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to hear this but he’s terrible and you shouldn’t be with him.

lulu55xxx · 17/02/2026 09:50

It’s on his terms
When he is tired or hungover he will give me affection ..or want affection

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 17/02/2026 09:51

Of course you're not in the wrong. He's your partner, you are upset about your dad being ill, you shouldn't even need to ask for a cuddle. He sounds beyond awful. Do not waste another 5 years on this emotional bully, because believe me, it will just get worse. Get out of this relationship, do not add kids into the mix, and yeah, leave this vile bully.

whatnexxt · 17/02/2026 09:51

You are wrong to stay with him. He sounds like an absolute cunt of a man.

gamerchick · 17/02/2026 09:52

OP, I think your anxiety would improve massively if you got rid of this person. It doesn't sound as though he likes your u very much and holds you in contempt.

Can you go to your dad's?

MidWayThruJanuary · 17/02/2026 09:52

He's dreadful.

Shadeflower · 17/02/2026 09:53

Wow. Either he's an awful person or he's having some sort of breakdown. Genuinely, is he OK?

lulu55xxx · 17/02/2026 09:54

He is fine this morning,rang me when he got there etc.
He has been this way since pretty much after we met.
If I don’t ask for cuddles etc and let everything on his terms …there’s no arguments

OP posts:
Shadeflower · 17/02/2026 09:55

lulu55xxx · 17/02/2026 09:54

He is fine this morning,rang me when he got there etc.
He has been this way since pretty much after we met.
If I don’t ask for cuddles etc and let everything on his terms …there’s no arguments

So why? Why is this what you want for yourself?

ForRosePoster · 17/02/2026 09:56

If someone who wasn't a child asked me for a cuddle I'd cringe to be honest but he sounds unhinged and someone you should get away from.

Griselinia · 17/02/2026 09:56

This doesn't sound healthy. Do yourself a favour and decide what you will and will not tolerate for your own wellbeing before he brings you down completely.

Tigeresslearns · 17/02/2026 09:56

lulu55xxx · 17/02/2026 09:54

He is fine this morning,rang me when he got there etc.
He has been this way since pretty much after we met.
If I don’t ask for cuddles etc and let everything on his terms …there’s no arguments

If he was horrid all the time, you would of left him a long time ago. This is the cycle of abuse. Relationships should not feel like rollercoasters.

Holymolyrigmorole · 17/02/2026 09:56

lulu55xxx · 17/02/2026 09:54

He is fine this morning,rang me when he got there etc.
He has been this way since pretty much after we met.
If I don’t ask for cuddles etc and let everything on his terms …there’s no arguments

He’s trained you to live your life on his terms

I think he sounds horrible, OP.

MissyB1 · 17/02/2026 09:58

Awful, just leave him. You deserve better than this, he’s destroying your self esteem.

Pearlstillsinging · 17/02/2026 10:01

If I were you, I would go to look after Dad at his house and just never go back to this abusive man. Whose house are you sharing?

Ladamesansmerci · 17/02/2026 10:03

It's normal to cuddle a partner when they are upset. It's normal for all humans to need affection.

Your partner is at a best a massive twat, at worst emotionally abusive. Get rid, OP. You deserve better.

FeistyFrankie · 17/02/2026 10:04

He sounds abusive. What is the point of being in a relationship if he makes you feel this way? Don't keep clinging on just because it used to be good. You deserve so much better than this.

BauhausOfEliott · 17/02/2026 10:06

This man is seriously abusive and cruel and you need to get out of this relationship.

susiedaisy1912 · 17/02/2026 10:07

Leave him op. He doesn’t like you. You are wasting your time and energy on him

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 17/02/2026 10:07

Forget the cuddle argument for the moment. What is absolutely appalling is him weaponising your anxiety against you by saying he hopes he gets in to a car crash and that he'll not call you to make you worry. That's deliberate, calculated emotional abuse. You are in an abusive relationship. You don't have to be.

firstofallimadelight · 17/02/2026 10:10

He sounds cruel, the car crash statement is awful why would someone who loves you want you to be hurt in that way. Then to taunt you and say he won’t let you know he’s safe and accuse you of faking your upset.
He’s managing you with your emotions making sure you are panicked/upset so that you apologise and tie his line.
You’d be better off without him. This is not a healthy relationship

Namechangetheyarewatching · 17/02/2026 10:10

For christ sake while he is away get your ducks in a row and organise to leave this abusive man.

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