Was I in the wrong to ask partner for a cuddle ?

[lulu55xxx]

We have been together 5 years now.
At first it was cuddles and affection and trips and made me feel on a high all the time.
5 years down the line ..slowly it’s all changed.
When I try and talk to him about anything ..he says I’m trying to cause a argument and he will raise his voice and shout.
Hes only affectionate on his terms.
He will flip any argument so im the bad person.
The only family I have left is my dad and him.
Last night I was upset,health worries and I just asked him for a quick cuddle ..he said no.
He said you know I hate cuddling ,I just said I just needed something.
He flipped saying I had caused a argument and today he was away with work and he hoped he would crash his car and I would forever know our last night together was a argument caused by me.
Then he said he would not ring me when he got there so I would worry he crashed (my anxiety is bad at the minute due to past trauma and loosing family )
I obviously got upset and he said I was fake crying.
Anyway I apologised and then this morning he said he would cuddle now,so we cuddled In bed before he left .
Was I wrong to ask for a cuddle ? Knowing his not a fan ?
i stupidly do it when I’m sad and I know it causes arguments.

You deserve better.

You shouldn't ever be made to feel bad for asking for a cuddle IMO. My boyfriend isn't the best at showing affection and we're not at all demonstrative as a couple, but if I want a cuddle I'll ask and 95% of the time he will.

He has ADHD and does regularly tell me he wishes he could show me more affection - but 99.9% of the time I'm not fussed either 🤷‍♀️

OP, are you the sort of person who won't let something lie because of your anxiety?
If you are it could be that your behaviour is just too much for him.
I mean this on the nicest possible way.

My daughter is over anxious, controlling and doesn't handle stress well. She is very, very, very difficult to live with, often starting arguments for no apparent reason. Demanding we talk and ranting for hours. Could this be you? Could some therapy be a better answer?

Obviously, I have no idea whats really going on between you and your partner, but ime, things are rarely as black and white as you're describing.

So you're just policing the word "cuddle" @ForRosePoster? That seems a bit unnecessary (and I don't think it sounds "needy")

He's controlling, cruel ('he would not ring me when he got there so I would worry he crashed') and in short a straight-up cunt.
Sorry, OP. Dump his arse. He won't get any nicer.

Interesting theory.

how does it relate to him telling op he hopes he crashes his car so she'll know the last thing they did was argue, and saying he wouldnt call her so she'd be worried he was dead?

What on earth has led you to tolerate being treated so badly for years?

Please, set yourself free from this.

Maybe he's just desperately trying to stop her from going on and on (not that I'm suggesting the OP can help it, if indeed she has an issue).

Like I said, I'm theorising based on my own experience of living with someone who has trouble coping with life. After a few years you do become very desperate and unable to cope and you shut down and avoid them.

I think about suicide a lot, but I couldn't do that to my other children.

God lord woman, get yourself out that relationship, he's awful

Ah I see.

whats with the offering her a hug in the morning - "we'll hug now"....What could that be?

So he’s playing on your anxieties and using th to punish you. He’s not a good man

Today he was away with work and he hoped he would crash his car and I would forever know our last night together was a argument caused by me.
Then he said he would not ring me when he got there so I would worry he crashed

This is emotionally abusive and an awful response to someone asking for a cuddle, even if you don’t like cuddling

Why are you settling for such an abusive nasty arsehole?
No doubt he is part of why your anxiety is bad.
You are in a highly abusive relationship with a nasty pig.
Can you go and stay with your father?
You are wasting your life with him.

I wonder why you actually think this is ok to be treated like you have no right to have a cuddle ?
If he is denying u happiness and Making you anxious due to past traumas is this someone that you want to be with and have kids with he won't change this is called an abusive relationship please don't think this is normal it isn't x

For years he has trained you to behave how he wants you to behave and to unquestioningly accept his shitty behaviour towards you; and the very second you step out of line he punishes you.

He will not allow you to even ask for a simple hug when you are upset.

You said: "My anxiety is bad at the minute due to past trauma and loosing family"
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your anxiety is bad because you are being abused by this vile man. Your anxiety is never going to improve while you remain in this awful toxic relationship with your despicable abuser.

Cuddling someone you love is the nicest feeling in the world. These days, I wouldn't even consider a relationship with anybody who didn't feel the same.

I had an ex who made me feel needy for wanting physical affection from him. And guess what? He was a narcissistic cunt in loads of other ways, too....

Let alone all the other nasty things this guy said to you OP. He's a dick. You deserve so much better......

"CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · Today 14:12
Anyway I apologised and then this morning he said he would cuddle now
OP, this is basically him giving the pet a reward because it did the right thing. You apologise, you recognise your place, he gives you the treat.
It also keeps you emotionally attached. There's a cycle of abuse and there is always a time, after they've been really horrible, when they swing to the other extreme, while you're still feeling upset, and they do whatever they know you really want from them. It's destabilising, really. It stops you seeing things clearly."

And this:

"You said: "My anxiety is bad at the minute due to past trauma and loosing family"
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your anxiety is bad because you are being abused by this vile man. Your anxiety is never going to improve while you remain in this awful toxic relationship with your despicable abuser."

Excellent posts by @CharlotteCollinsneeLucas and @justtheotheronemrswembley .

OP - you're in an abusive relationship. He has trained you to behave exactly as he wants. He rewards you when you do; he punishes you when you don't. It's a cycle. No-one is abusive all the time. This man is a bad partner. Your anxiety would likely reduce considerably if you weren't trying to be in a relationship with a damaging partner. How easy would it be for you to get away?

If you are asking the question on here, you know he is a d’ckhead

Goodness only knows. I know as much about these people as you do !! All I'm doing is theorising based on my own experience.

Horrible man. Can you bin him?

I'm not a fan of cuddles when I'm overstimulated. This is about more than asking for a cuddle though, you were upset and got no comfort, he made vile threats to not call you so you'd think he crashed, different person around others, has you thinking you shouldn't ask for anything to avoid arguments. That's abuse. Leave.

He is emotionally abusing you. Please dump him. Please don’t think being with him is better than being on your own. It really isn’t.

None of his behaviour sounds remotely reasonable. He is a grown man not a toddler so should understand by now that people other than he have needs. You are not there to just facilitate his every whim as and when he demands. You must feel like you are walking on eggshells and have to make yourself smaller and smaller to survive. His comment about crashing his bike is just cruel. A good partner is one who speaks kindly to you and wants to support you and lift you up when you need it, not deliberately and repeatedly tear you down. You are questioning your own behaviour when you should be questioning his. But the fact you’ve posted here is a great step. You are suspecting that his behaviour is not ok and we can tell you categorically it is not. The relationship needs to end. That might feel impossible and maybe seeking therapy can help make you feel stronger to do this. But I worry his behaviour will escalate. If you can speak to someone in real life, please do so. Good luck.

What a nasty man, I would not stay with him if I were you.

So you asked for a cuddle, which led to an argument which he blamed YOU for, and he wanted you to believe he’d crashed his car as your “punishment”. He sounds emotionally abusive and vile. I agree with PPs, I think your anxiety would improve somewhat if you got rid of him.