Was I in the wrong to ask partner for a cuddle ?

[lulu55xxx]

We have been together 5 years now.
At first it was cuddles and affection and trips and made me feel on a high all the time.
5 years down the line ..slowly it’s all changed.
When I try and talk to him about anything ..he says I’m trying to cause a argument and he will raise his voice and shout.
Hes only affectionate on his terms.
He will flip any argument so im the bad person.
The only family I have left is my dad and him.
Last night I was upset,health worries and I just asked him for a quick cuddle ..he said no.
He said you know I hate cuddling ,I just said I just needed something.
He flipped saying I had caused a argument and today he was away with work and he hoped he would crash his car and I would forever know our last night together was a argument caused by me.
Then he said he would not ring me when he got there so I would worry he crashed (my anxiety is bad at the minute due to past trauma and loosing family )
I obviously got upset and he said I was fake crying.
Anyway I apologised and then this morning he said he would cuddle now,so we cuddled In bed before he left .
Was I wrong to ask for a cuddle ? Knowing his not a fan ?
i stupidly do it when I’m sad and I know it causes arguments.

Jfc, if someone doesn’t feel like giving their partner a cuddle that moment they can just say ‘not now’, a normal person doesn’t start an argument and then be horribly abusive - that stuff about crashing the car is nasty.

Someone who is fine so long as you’re a doormat who can’t express your own needs isn’t a ‘partner’.

Why are you still with him? Sounds a miserable way to live.

Please think long and hard about what he said regarding not ringing you to make you worry and hoping that he crashed his car so you would knowing feel guilt. If your best friend, daughter or sister said this to you about their partner what would your response be ?

I'm not going to say leave the bastard, but you really should this is awful.

Its not a partnership when it's all on his terms, It won't get any better and could in fact get worse.

You are worth so much more and deserve so much more.

You only get one life this is not a dress rehearsal, so please don't stay with someone can't give you want you want and need, emotionally, physically etc.

Get as far away as possible from this horrible abusive man.

I know it can sometimes be hard to see things objectively when you are living them @lulu55xxx but based on what you detailed in your post, this man is an abusive man, as well as a terrible, self-centered partner. Something is clearly wrong with his mental state, to say the things about the car crash is an actively nasty, evil thing to do...and he has done it to you - the person he supposedly loves. But it also seems like everything in this "love" can only come on his terms. That is not a partnership. True partnerships and relationships come with compromises, a willingness to hear the other person and ambition to make things work for both people...

The fact that he is not like this to the outside world is even worse - so he can put up a front and make the effort for strangers who - for a lack of a better phrase - matter very little, but his own partner he treats like a dirty washcloth?
He doesn't deserve for you to agonise over, and to waste any more of your time and efforts on. Move on, you deserve actual affection, no abuse, something better. Whether it is on your own, or on your own for a while, then with someone better, but this relationship that you described is rotten to the core, thanks to him. Leave.

He sounds unbelievably cruel. You are not in the wrong at all. The way he is twisting your love for him and your anxiety to punish you for an imaginary crime is completely vile. This is emotional abuse, plain and simple. No one who loves you should be treating you like this. If someone who loves you sees that you’re anxious then they should give you a hug, reassure you, tell you things are going to be ok. He is manipulating you into thinking that asking for the bare necessities of human connection are wrong or your fault. Please, please don’t stay with a man who treats you like this. He is the problem.

This is gaslighting. He won’t change. You should leave him. Sorry.

This with bells on.

Wise up quickly before you are traumatised.. He is abusive... Get a dcat. Always on hand /paw for cuddles..
He sounds bloody vile.

This is emotional abuse.

Nothing is going to change while you stay with this truly dreadful man. You need to be brave and let him go.

Of course he's fine. He is being abusive. You need to be strong and end this relationship. This is not healthy and you will get more and more unhappy as time goes on. It sounds like he love-bombed you at the start and now he is showing you who he truly is.

Thats awful! How could you wish anxiety on someone you claim to love? How could you not give affection especially when asked for it?

I hate the fake public persona. It gives you a false sense of hope. And that turns into longing for public time together or for them to be drunk. And as soon as that realisation hits, that you want them public persona or the drunk persona knowing they are fake. That hurts a lot.

You deserve far better and need to work out if he can be better or do you leave.

Please leave him. There are some much better men out there!!

Get shot he sounds insufferable

This isn't the man for you. Better to cut your losses than limp on for another 5 years.

I mean, you’re not wrong to ask but I can’t really understand why you would want to be with a man like this.

I think that's a strange reaction. Adults aren't automatons, lots of people (including me) need a cuddle/hug for comfort sometimes.

I agree. It is just such a normal thing that the hug/cuddle of the person you love gives you comfort.. I am a man who's close to 40, married for ages, and I still love cuddling my wife... absolutely nothing wrong with it.

He’s an abuser. I don’t know if you suspect this or are shocked to hear it. He has trained you to adapt to his needs and behave for ‘rewards’. It’s sickening to read tbh. If you don’t have children don’t even contemplate staying with this leech.

Man baby

I don't think it's strange.

I'd show physical affection to an adult where it seemed they might benefit from it.

If someone said ' I want/need a hug' I'd probably do so.

Cuddle seems childlike and needy.

Since you met? Why have you stayed? What are you getting out of this carcass of a relationship?!

I would much rather be alone than with someone who treated me this way. He is abusive and absolutely won't change

Anyway I apologised and then this morning he said he would cuddle now

OP, this is basically him giving the pet a reward because it did the right thing. You apologise, you recognise your place, he gives you the treat.

It also keeps you emotionally attached. There's a cycle of abuse and there is always a time, after they've been really horrible, when they swing to the other extreme, while you're still feeling upset, and they do whatever they know you really want from them. It's destabilising, really. It stops you seeing things clearly.