Are you happily married?

[IcyRubyHiker]

I would love to hear from anyone really!

Who is really, truly, happily married?

Who is just indifferent and has decided to put up with it / is staying for the kids? Who has lost the romance and is just avoiding the upheaval of leaving?

Is the idea of being happily married just unrealistic?

I am married but we are not in a romantic relationship. We are more of a domestic partnership / financially it is easier than being single… and I have no idea if I am the only one… I’m pretty sure we are both just going along with it because no one wants to rock the boat / blow up our child’s settled home life.

How does anyone who just has a ‘fine’ marriage ever have the courage to do anything about it, or even leave?

I think it’s when you no longer care and you’ll know when you don’t. I’ve been with DH 24 years. My friend asked if I was still in love with him. I said yes otherwise I wouldn’t care or be bothered when he did things wrong or things went wrong. I’d just shrug my shoulders and move on. For me that’s when you know.

Thanks, I'd not thought about it that way. I'm glad things are better for you now ❤️

Yes, together 25 years and married for 21 years. He's still my best friend and my favourite person on the planet. I still fancy him and love him very much.

We've recently become empty nesters and it has meant that we have far more time for one another too so it's the start of a new phase. We do far more together than we did when the kids were younger and needed more of our time.

Yes. My husband is my best friend and has been for longer than we've been a couple.

On the other hand I don't have friends - I'm autistic so this isnt a deliberate "I hate people thing". I have a lot of acquaintances, but God forbid my husband dies before me, I'll have no one to turn to. I think in life we get to have a great family life or great friends or a great career. Sadly in my experience very few people get to have all three.

We're very happily married for nearly 9 years. I can't picture my life without him in it.

Yes but we are 26&27, have only been married (just under) 7 years, have a lot of family support to give us time away from our children, and have a decent financial situation. We are also not having anymore kids, so hopefully by the time we’re in our 50s we can “kick them all out and change the locks” as DH likes to joke.

My job is easy, fun, and I love it. I am a maths tutor who works from home, I have some students who are home ed and I go to their house, but most come to me. I do not find my job stressful often and I think that helps. DH has a somewhat stressful job because he manages a lot of people, but he has great people skills so 70% of the time it’s good.

I’m sure there’s still plenty of time and opportunities for misery and resentment to seep in 😭.

No, of course, and everyones situation is different.
When a married couple with children split, if both parents want access, legal arrangements seldom suits both.

When we married, I became pregnant in the first month. We didn't really have a settling in period where it was just the two of us. Plus my husband worked nights, me days, so the adjustments were difficult, especially when I had the baby, he was hyperactive...now would be labelled ADHD...no sleep, nights alone, it was difficult. He settled more when he was around five.
We had a fiery relationship, lots of arguments, but the passion was strong, that's probably what kept us together in the first few years.
It passed, I suppose we both grew up, and now, I do feel it was worth it.

My husband is incredibly kind and generous, and funny...we laugh everyday.

In your situation, I would definitely hang in there if you both can. No marriage runs smoothly all the time, and when the hard times pass, the good times are really appreciated.

Yes been with my husband over 20 years and I'm very happy with him still. He's my best friend and we still really enjoy each others company

I am. Together for nearly 10 years, married for almost 5 and a gaggle of children that drive us mad. I’m just as in love with him as I was the day we met, if not more. He drives me bonkers and we have our fair share of arguments, but he’s the greatest man that I have ever met. He’s hilarious, he’s strong, he’s the kindest person I know and he’s absolutely gorgeous. He’s been there for me through thick and thin and I thank my lucky stars every day that he’s mine.

If a spark can't be reunited, maybe love and kindness can be enough, only the couple involved can decide on that.

This sounds simple, but I know when I have looked at old pics of my husband, when he was young, virile, and I fancied the pants off him, it brings back all the old feelings that can get swamped down with the ups and downs of life.
Or a date night, dress up, just the two of you, that's always a nice thing to do to reconnect again.

My sex life fell off a cliff around perimenopause. I had a lot of gynae issues and didn’t feel particularly up for it with massive clots falling out of me every five minutes. My ferritin levels were through the floor, my hair was falling out, I was exhausted all the time, drank too much, put on weight. I’m sure I was pretty miserable most of the time and whilst I never meant to be unpleasant to people around me, I’m sure I wasn’t the most amiable person to live with. Things were not good between my husband and me and there were plenty of times when I thought we were headed for divorce.

Fast forwards three years I have a new job, gynae issues solved, weight lost, sex life reactivated, alcohol free. My marriage is in a much better place. Things are never perfect, but we laugh, we work well as a team, we fancy each other again.

It’s very hard to know the difference between a rough patch, a spiral of decline or just festering in a state not quite bad enough to leave but permanently unsatisfying. Reading the relationship threads I think it’s less common for things to improve than to deteriorate, but I’d make sure that your problems can’t be relieved by good menopause healthcare before making any permanent decisions.

Thank you @NovemberMornx

Coming up to 30 years together and married for nearly 25 years. We had that spark when we met and still do.

BUT we went through rough years, we both lost a parent, and I had peri-menopausal rage mainly directed at him being avoidant of tough decisions and the honesty with that (he didnt want a second child, didnt fully reflect that it was his choice and did not to take responsibility of that). We went through marriage counselling which helped but results were slow.

The rage has gone and life is better now.

We've been together for almost 10 years, married for 7, no kids

I love him very much, and its a really happy marriage. We prioritise each other and look after each other - its a continual conversation and we want the same things in life