Are you happily married?

[IcyRubyHiker]

I would love to hear from anyone really!

Who is really, truly, happily married?

Who is just indifferent and has decided to put up with it / is staying for the kids? Who has lost the romance and is just avoiding the upheaval of leaving?

Is the idea of being happily married just unrealistic?

I am married but we are not in a romantic relationship. We are more of a domestic partnership / financially it is easier than being single… and I have no idea if I am the only one… I’m pretty sure we are both just going along with it because no one wants to rock the boat / blow up our child’s settled home life.

How does anyone who just has a ‘fine’ marriage ever have the courage to do anything about it, or even leave?

I would say I’m happily married. 20 years down the line, 2 teenagers, a dog, mortgage free, both good careers & salaries. I’m 53 and he’s 62. We’re a good team and have each others back. Our sex life was amazing for about 17 years but the last few years have been hit hard by my menopause and his cardiac and prostate issues. So now it’s vagifem/testosterone gel for me and viagra for him, and an effort that we both like to make every couple of weeks.
We laugh a lot, also we shout, we have date nights every week, we have a 2-3 night couple holiday once every year, we socialise together and separately, we can talk and talk for hours together when there’s no interruption. He’s the most interesting person I know.

I meant not by choice. DH sometimes was away with work and we both now have very elderly parents so he does a weekend every three weeks with his and I do the same with mine. When the dc were at uni,.I'd sometimes visit them on my own and stay over. Similarly there might be something to sort out at our home in France and one or other of us may go.

Been married for 24 yrs and together 29. Yrs very happily married, 3 children, great relationship, romantic, still enjoy sex, very much a team. But there have been lots of ups and downs. 11 yrs ago I would have separated as it felt as if we were just house mates, but we committed to making it work and then I got pregnant 😀 but I genuinely think we are now the strongest we have ever been. Life is hectic, we juggle three children who we put first all the time, and don’t prioritise our relationship, but we have got to the point where we love our life, our children and are committed to our marriage.

I honestly think very few marriages will be amazing every year, I think it’s no different to friendships and any relationship there will be ups and downs. My husband is a great, kind, thoughtful man who I know 100% has my back and I think I love him more now having seen him in life than I did when we got married

@milkandoatsthank you. I’m quite proactive at working at things and prioritising our relationship , him less so but I’m hopeful we can get there x

Coming up to 20 years together. Met in early 30s, had both been in some shitty previous relationships which focused both our minds insofar having some strong red lines and not putting up with shit behaviour. We just hit off and have been best friends since, would be genuinely devastated if anything happened to her, she has my back, makes me laugh, is intelligent, sporty and independent. We have a good life.

@IcyRubyHiker im in same boat as you
Separate programmes on phones and separate bedrooms.
I really stay for the fincial side, we could not afford two house and two sets of bills.
I feel I have had to carry everything in the house with kids and still do.
His one thing that he does is the weekly shopping but everything else is still me.
26 years, together.

“We have never been apart, by choice or due to work, since our 2nd date.”

Wait, what?!

We have had a happy romantic marriage with 2 significant blips. One was when our DD died and then recently when I was diagnosed with a heart condition. He tried both times to go in to fix it mode. They are things that don’t need to be dissected, I just wanted to feel very sad, he can’t mend my feelings I just needed him to acknowledge them.

I am self-partnered after a long, abusive marriage, and it's the best, most peaceful, and most satisfying relationship I've ever had! 🤣

My best friend, literally my soul mate, coming up to 23 years married, 9 kids oldest is 16 youngest are 4...did everything together from school got married,focused on careers and having fun seeing the world then started out family. If we have proper argued a handful of times I would be surprised, we are now 40 and still spend the majority of our time ribbing each others, bouncing back and forth with jokes or just sitting and having a good old chat every night..I still even get butterflies most days when that darn man messages to say he is on his way home from work and I see his grinning face come thru the door. Great dh, great dad I love being married

That should have said except by.

Yes happily married here. He’s my best friend. Couldn’t imagine life without him.

You have never once seen a friend, a family member or even your own children without your husband in the entirety of your marriage?
You’re claiming only time you have ever, ever, spent a single second apart was to go to work?
You’ve never gotten your hair done, had a medical appointment, gone shopping on your own?

Sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. It must be very hard! The grey area of ‘just okay’ can be harder to negotiate than the black and white of very happy or awful!

It feels slightly smug to say this now but I’m very happily married. I’ve been with DH 10 years, married 7 and I’m just as besotted with him now as I was when we married. More so, possibly, as now he’s not just a great husband to me but a great father to our two, v young children. He’s so thoroughly good and kind and he tells me everyday how much he loves me, how beautiful I am and whatnot… despite me having the aforementioned two v young children, one of whom doesn’t sleep and has me looking like a tired, scruffy mess most days. He couldn’t be any more in my corner if he tried, no matter what the situation. He works so, SO hard for our family, and never makes me feel my contribution as a SAHM is any less than his as the main earner. He never expects me to have done anything but to keep the kids alive and happy, and is still so sweetly grateful for literally anything I do around the house (which is 99% as he works such long hours BUT I feel appreciated for it so don’t begrudge it!) Plus he’s gorgeous, seems to be getting better as he ages and we have a very keen physical relationship too. He’s just.. brilliant. I adore him.

No, my post was badly phrased. Except by choice. We are actually very independent and that's part of the success. DH is a workaholic and I managed well doing much indepently when he was working all hours. There was also a year when he worked primarily from NY, coming home Thursday to Monday every two weeks.

I was looking back to the early days when we knew it was 100% right from our 2nd date and spent every night together after that except of course when we literally couldn't because of an overnight work commitment. We are not inseparable in our day to day business, rather very independent, with both perfectly happy to travel 1000s of miles alone.

It was badly phrased, I apologise.

I’m happily married - together for 20 years, married for 12. I think I’d rather be single otherwise, but appreciate that actually taking financial and practical reasons into account timing would be key. I’m sure there are many in your situation.

Same as you OP, we have two small children so I'm struggling to see whether it's just that and will improve or not. It's so hard.

Right now I’m really happy! I would say we go through phases of being content, or just co-existing and not really functioning as a married couple, to actively disgruntled, and for a few years we were really struggling and I thought the marriage might fail.

I think it’s realistic to say that a partnership in life isn’t always going to be deeply satisfying at the very bottom of your soul. We are all only human - and very flawed. There are lots of events in life that can put strain on a marriage. And people change, of course they do - sometimes the relationship doesn’t fit any more and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

In my view if you’re just a bit stale then it’s worth holding on. Our stale phase went on for many many years - but we came through it and now we are both really happy and loving life again. I’m glad to have my dh - for better or worse, and I will hold on to the happy memories of these current years to sustain me when we hit hard times again.

Our kids are really little and it’s hard at the moment half the time one of us falls asleep in the older girls bed as she’s difficult to get to sleep!

baby is up at 4am for the day half the time - we are shattered and don’t get to do much together anymore.

but we have booked a few things and booked a babysitter and we have a weekend away booked in May and a music festival without the kids

i think this is the key to getting back to where we were - having time alone and getting to do things we used to do before the kids !

we have kids of fun together when we do get an opportunity to get out !!

the old us is still in there somewhere

@CanIRetirePleasethanks for your insight, how do you know when it's stale vs unfixable? That's what I'm struggling with at the moment.

Yes, I am. Almost 12 years married, almost 18 together, known each other longer than that as friends. My husband is my ride or die, best person I know. Love him to bits! 🥰

Yes, happily married. Have had times where we have had to communicate more to make it work better (me) and learnt to be politer towards others (him). It initially upset me, now I just will always point it out and won't tolerate it. Both are reflections of how we grew up. However, having worked through that now happily married.

Well, no, because I’m not married.

I am happy though in my 25 year long relationship. In fact we are considering getting married at some point, maybe after 30 years or something like that. Although I might push it back a bit further.

I am very much happily married.

We got married late so have been married for 6 years but have actually been together for nearly 18 years. Still very much in love, still best friends and love spending time together, and we still have great sex.

I can't imagine anything worse than sticking with a bad marriage just for the sake of convenience, or just for the kids etc. It must be soul destroying. I would much rather be single.

Been together 28 years, married for 21. Still affectionate towards each other, laugh plenty and have a great sex life, but it takes effort.

If we both got complacent it would be very easy to slip into being no more than housemates / domestic partners / co-parents. What makes a big difference is taking responsibility when you do something wrong. I can be a bit snappy when I'm stressed and my DH gets distant and emotionally unavailable. A reminder from the other is enough for both of to snap out of it through.

It was easier when the kids were small - we could get a babysitter or have time together when they were in bed, but having teenagers at home has definitely put a strain on our relationship. Boundaries and prioritising time together is so important or they'll suck the life out of you!