Are you happily married?

[IcyRubyHiker]

I would love to hear from anyone really!

Who is really, truly, happily married?

Who is just indifferent and has decided to put up with it / is staying for the kids? Who has lost the romance and is just avoiding the upheaval of leaving?

Is the idea of being happily married just unrealistic?

I am married but we are not in a romantic relationship. We are more of a domestic partnership / financially it is easier than being single… and I have no idea if I am the only one… I’m pretty sure we are both just going along with it because no one wants to rock the boat / blow up our child’s settled home life.

How does anyone who just has a ‘fine’ marriage ever have the courage to do anything about it, or even leave?

I want to believe that happy marriages exist, but I can't see a single one around me. I'm single, much happier than when I was married. I live in hope that a good relationship is possible...

I am happily married, married 21 years, together for 23. We genuinely enjoy each others company. I love travelling with him and going off on walks etc. We are intimate a couple of times a week, sex probably weekly.

However, we went through a good few years of almost co-existing and what I’d call surviving parenthood. Sex life was poor (but never nonexistent). We were generally tired.

Our kids are now teen and young adult and and I feel like we are getting our life back and we are enjoying being together again.

We had a bad patch when our kids were young, it is relentless and tiring. I think we mainly got through it because we both have the same perspective that, in terms of a lifetime together, five years of a tough patch is nothing. We kept communicating honestly and kept enjoying time together (eg laughing over a glass of wine and a jigsaw) I always felt we were in the trenches together, rather than separately, so although it was tough we weren’t alone in it. Eg laughing at our crazy toddler’s tantrums.
I think we also got through the rough patch because I’ve still never met anyone who remotely compares to my husband in terms of intellect, kindness, and looks. It has never crossed my mind that life would be better with anyone else, I genuinely think it would be far worse. I’ve often craved time alone but, because we communicate well, I’ve had it and been able to recharge and reconnect.

I hear you op. Unhappy in my relationship currently. It varies, but usually from unhappy to ok, never great. I feel even sadder reading about all these great relationships, which is what I'd love to have.

Been together almost 20 years, dc still in primary school. Just drifted apart over the last 5 years or so. He really is nothing like the man I met. Absents himself from family life to a large extent, so I often feel like a single parent (bar that he's a good provider). Often feel like we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. Get on OK on a surface level as long as I don't complain, but definitely doesn't feel loving.

It makes me sad, but I can't work out how to leave without really impacting the children (one is autistic and I think would take it very badly). Also dread not having them 50% of the time. I feel trapped and dreading the dc growing up and being left with him.

I adore my wife, been together for over 10 years with 3 kids. Have a good sex life and I know she loves me but I always have this niggling doubt that she keeps things from me or she doesnt really open up the way I do to her about anything and everything. For me she is the person I want to be with forever.

Yes. Couldn’t imagine myself being with anyone else. Been married almost 38 years. We love doing things as a couple but ultimately recognise that we are still individuals.

@wafflesmgeethank you for responding. That is helpful x

@Janefx40

I really feel for you. It's so tiring when you have young children. So, what I meant was, when we had our first I think we were both shocked by how exhausting it was (as all new parents are!). Our first son woke up every 2 hours for the first 6 months or so, and we started to notice that we were competing and arguing with each other about whom was the most tired etc

We had zero family help (my parents both died young and his parents live on another continent) so there was literally noone to support us either.

The first few years passed in a bit of a blur if I am honest. Then, once the kids hit about 4/5 they became a bit more independent and obviously super cute at that age and once they went to bed we made a point of spending the evening together, like, properly together, not just on our phones etc We couldn't really go out much as noone to babysit so we had romantic meals at home. Weirdly, the lack of support kind of cemented us together even more and brought us closer.

It started to feel more like we were in it together rather than competing with each other as to who was the most knackered. Relationships do take work on both sides and it's really important that you nurture your relationship with each other too and dont get completely absorbed with the children. Here, communication is key and wait until you are well rested before making any decisions. Lack of sleep can seriously drive people insane so its important to leave serious discussions until you feel well rested because otherwise you will say things you regret later on.

Yes very.

Together 26 years, married for 22. We had an awful couple of years starting during Covid and came close to separating but managed to work through it. I’ve recently taken on a really big job, 5 days a week in the office, 7.30am - 7.30pm, very well paid but very high stress. He’s stepped up enormously at home and does all the cooking, laundry, ferrying the kids about to their sports, despite a FT job of his own. I’m seeing him in a completely different light and very grateful for the support he’s given me to further my career. I’m pleased we stuck it out, he’s a good man. There’s no fireworks but I’d say we’re content.

I am definitely very happily married. Been with Dh 18 years and married for 15. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns. We’ve been through a hell of a lot together (I don’t mean like infidelity and either behaving horribly, but serious illness, bereavement, really stressful life changing things).

Life day to day isn’t exactly exciting, it’s a lot of shuttling kids to activities and hospital appointments and taking the bins out, but absolutely no one I’d want to do it with besides Dh. I would never want to be with anyone else and I would not want to be single.

We don’t get much time together alone, but we still have fun together and have things to talk about and we have similar ambitions and values. Definitely happily married even when life has otherwise been a bit tricky.

This year I will have been married 38 years. Met him when I was 17 and I would do it all again.

Married 26 years. DC are mid 20s and are no longer living at home.

Still love my DH to bits. We have separate bedrooms due to snoring but still have lots of affection and sex.

In many ways it is actually easier, just the two of us. We have our own routines.

Very happily married despite lots of stressors in our lives.

He’s my best friend and we lean into each other for everything. We do argue of course, but we don’t have the same argument more than once. We are both big on active listening and resolving.

I’m on mat leave, and he works from home, we also spend all our weekends bumbling about together and we both wouldn’t change a thing, except maybe getting a little more sleep from our wee one.

Married for 22 years, together for 28 and very happy. I know lots of happily married couples.

I am very happily married, DH and I are still very much in love, have a great sex life and despite having 5 children and one on the way, still go on an overnight date every month. We are lucky, we don't know many couples like us.

However, if anything came between us that changed our marriage into an unhappy one, we would not subject our children to living in an unhappy home. It is so damaging to grow up with unhappy parents.

Thank you for everyone’s responses. They are all really interesting to read.

I’m really pleased to see that lots of people are really happily married - that is just so wonderful ❤️‍🩹

My husband is a really good man. A really solid rock and great father to our child and does lots at home etc. There is just no spark left between us, so I suppose I am trying to gauge whether this was normal after a decade of being together and 6 years married. We have a good time together as a family which is the main thing and we aren’t ‘unhappy’ - just not really in love.

Every single response is really helpful, thank you 💞

Very. He is my favourite person in the whole world.

You do still need to feel the spark though, I think.

I know my husband would do the same. He is so dependable.

Thank you for your reply. Our child is this age now and it’s a-lot of fun, also very hard work 😅🤣

We’re terrible for being on phones / watching our own stuff on tv so I think we definitely need to make more of an effort with that! Hoping it’ll draw us a bit closer again x

I’m not convinced you need to feel the spark. Not everything can last forever. If he feels like home and you enjoy each other’s company, that’s worth a lot.

My husband and I have never had to “work” at our marriage because we like each other and we’re nice to each other.

You’re missing something without the spark but if you give up on the relationship then you miss a whole different set of things. Only you can choose what is more important to you.

If you split up you might quickly find some guy who is perfect in every way. Or you might find a guy who is imperfect in a different way. Or you might have a load of one night stands and discover the spark is actually quite elusive. Or you might decide you prefer being on your own. Or you might hate being on your own but not find a partner. Or you might suddenly see all the good stuff about your current marriage which you had been taking for granted. Or your husband might suddenly become desirable when you can no longer have him and he finds some hot new woman.

Who can say what would happen. But perhaps you can reframe your current situation in your mind and be grateful for what you have. And accept that every life has imperfections. The people with the perfect marriages probably have different sorrows. Excessively high expectations are a great cause of unhappiness. Ditto a feeling of resentment due to feeling entitled to a perfect life but not having one.

If you’re not unhappy enough to feel it’s obvious you should leave, perhaps you shouldn’t. Perhaps you should accept the situation and enter a new era of your life, possibly seeking fulfilment from additional areas as well as your marriage. By which I mean new interests and a new attitude, rather than extra-marital affairs.

Married over 40 years. I think the longer you are married the more you let ride over you. It's certainly a lot easier when the children have left home. You get to be a couple again and do things that you both enjoy. We have had rough patches but more when the children were young. Now we really enjoy the freedom of just looking after ourselves. Am I happy? Yes, I believe I am. I am certainly very content and I really care about my husband and he about me. We laugh together and have our secret sayings and code for different things. We really are compatible in so many things. Does he piss me off sometimes? Of course he does. But, it is somehow just not as important as it was when you are younger. I look at him and his little grey head and feel filled with a deep affection. He's mine and to think of him with someone else is unbearable. We have sex, not very often, but we still have it. And laugh together about how we used to be able to twist and bend so much more easily than we do now.

Also, your child is a huge issue. If you’re undecided, do what would make your child happiest.

Very happily married after 13 years. Still feels like the “madly in love” honeymoon phase tbh - regular sex/affection etc.
If I was to ask myself why that is - one thing we’ve done for the last 10 years is go on a 4/5 day holiday abroad just us without the kids every year. It’s a game changer. I’d also say he puts in a massive amount of effort in every day life to make me feel cared for - both on a practical level (does tonnes of life/kid admin and housework) and emotional level (random breakfast in bed/long lies/arranging date nights etc) which makes me appreciate him so much and want to reciprocate, which I do, so he feels happy/good also. It’s easy to think ‘awk we’re so lucky to still be head over heels’ but I think there’s probably a lot of the ‘doing’ that feeds into it.

I love this - do you end you havent had a night apart during that time?