just need to get this off my chest... things with dh are so awful

[fedupofcrying]

I've just had one of the worst days of my life. dh has always had a temper but he has been so much worse since our baby was born. today we argued because the baby was crying in the car, he wanted to take him out of the car seat and hold him, and i refused to drive with the baby not strapped in... for this i got my hair pulled and sworn at. later on i got sworn at because of some tension i'd caused in his family (though the situation was as much his fault as mine), he ended up threatening to take the baby away and he bit my hand. the worst of it is, he doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong. he constantly tells me i am a bad mother, our baby cries a lot and he thinks it's because i don't take his advice eg the baby is exclusively breastfed whereas he thinks it should have a bottle. his own mother backs him up and criticises all the time. i have been crying almost all day and I am so tired and fed up. this wasn't the way it was meant to be.

i'm not really posting to get advice or anything... really i just had to get this down in writing as i feel like i'm going mad. no-one in rl i can really talk to about all this and feeling very lonely.

hey motherhurdicure.

Sorry the sentence was meant to mean that the bottle would make sure the babys milk supply wasn't interupted. So if stress affects the milk supply (which no-one can argue fedup is getting stress) then baby is still getting a good load of milk.

Either way, you do as you wish and don't feel "pushed" into either way forward. Just concentrate on you and baby.

If you are looking for somebody to blame, I guess you can hang it on me. In one of my earlier support posts I mentioned that milk supply could be affected by maternal stress.

From the first OP:
our baby cries a lot and he thinks it's because i don't take his advice eg the baby is exclusively breastfed whereas he thinks it should have a bottle

I responded to that as it seemed to be an issue between them. Then BE refuted me.

I shall leave this thread now.

Starlight - I'm not making her worry about her supply. I'm merely saying if her supply is affected by stress - as it was pointed out by someone it could be (notice I said COULD?!) then one bottle wouldn't hurt her.

I also said that she should do how she feels and not feel pressured either way.

I feel you've come on here being abit agressive and although I am trying to help OP with the actual problem of her DP, I dont want to be part of an aggressive thread.

FEDUP - I hope you can find someone in RL to help you through this. MN is brilliant for advise but I think you need someone in RL who can physically be there for you as well.
I hope you are feeling a little better today and that the way the thread has turned hasn't made you go. Like I said MN is a brilliant place for advise.

Keep your chin up.

qs, not your fault your valid point was taken up a little too enthusiastically

Well said Custardo (and others....)
Fedup - do you have any family nearby so you can feel supported too? I think one of the important things is to make your partner realise (as other have said) that his mum is not the fount of all knowledge and to make him stand up for you rather than letting her stand up for him. He needs to realise that - without you saying what you may well think of his mother! Good luck.

Fedup, I hope you're alright. Please don't listen to him when he says things about your ability to cope as a mother, it's just another way to belittle you and rob you of all your confidence.

It's already working by some of the things you've been saying on here.

You are not to blame in any way for his violence - (and he is violent to you. Just because he didn't break your nose or beat you to a pulp doesn't mean he's not violent.)
you do not ask for it because you're disrespectful to him, but the fact that you think that way goes to show that whatever he's doing is working. Can you see?

I honestly don't know if he can change but you cannot be the one to change him or fix him, regardless of how much you love him and how much you want this to work.

It has to come from him, but he doesn't want to change. I'm so sorry to say that but if he did want to change he would have done something by now.

But please see that at the moment he doesn't really have to change. You talk and cry and threaten but he hears that you want this relationship to work and that you love him and, most importantly, you're still there.
What he's doing isn't that bad, because otherwise you'd leave.

You're NOT alone, you musn't feel ashamed you've done nothing wrong. Keep yourself strong for your baby. {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

Just an update everyone...

DH has made an appointment to see a counsellor who specialises in anger management issues. This is a big step forward as it's something we've talked about on and off for years but has never happened. Things are much quieter at home at the moment, now though I'm under no illusion they will stay that way unless something changes.

Re the feeding - that is more a symptom of the problem than the cause - there are a number of issues we don't necessarily agree on regarding how to bring up the baby, but I'm sure this is true of any couple! the problem is that we haven't been able to resolve them because it always degenerates into arguments.

I hear what people are saying about getting some support in RL, there is one person I can talk to, so I might do that when I feel I need to.

I am putting a lot of weight on the counselling helping... DH does want to sort this out... I just hope he's found a good counsellor who will really help him change his behaviour not just analyse it.

Re expressing breastmilk: it is entirely possible to feed the baby one side and express the other - the milk comes more easily because the baby is feeding, and you're sitting there anyway! You may need to have the baby's legs pointing outwards rather than across your body, with lots of pillows for support. I used to take radio, baby and handpump and lock myself in the bathroom, with dh banging on the door with his legs crossed ... Best of luck

good luck fedup - i hope your DH actually starts to take responsibility for what he is/has been doing.

i sometimes worry that, as you say, counselling can become an exercise in extreme navel gazing so have my fingers crossed for you that this doesn't happen. I have wondered in the past whether behavious like this might need a tandem approach (also from a psychologist, say) to really nail it. not an expert but just saying i can completely understand what you are saying in your last sentence.

i feel the feeding debate grew legs a bit for a while, but just to add my tuppence worth - it worried me slightly that your DH wants you to wean to a bottle. Why is this? Do you think he is jealous of how important you are to your baby? Is it a way of further undermining your role in the home do you think?

I have not posted before, but I have been thinking about this thread, and indeed cannot get you out of my head.

Please read this book....'Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft'

You can obtain it from Amazon at a reduced price from the normal. Get it sent to a trusted friend and read it.

This man is NOT angry. Anger management is not what he needs. In fact he is the complete opposite of angry. He is an abuser and he is controlling you and your mind. You cannot fix him and you are not to blame for his actions. He is choosing to treat you like this because the payoffs for him are immense.

The minute you show that you are onto him he will become very dangerous indeed and if you read some of the threads on here you will see what happens when the partners of men like these try to escape.

His mother is an enabler, these people should be ashamed of themselves, but for reasons of their own they collude with the abuse.

Please read the book.

I am 50 years old and by the sound of it I am a great deal older than you are and I have spent my life with men like this (including my father). It has taken me all these years to get away and to find myself in the mess that they made of me.

I have two children and my worry now is that they will carry on the pattern.

NOTHING YOU CAN DO CAN CHANGE THIS MAN.

Very, very few of these men ever change. That is the reality. Counselling, unless it is specialised and knowledgable, will not work.
You have to look after yourself and your precious child.

DO NOT let him know that you are thinking of leaving him. That is the most dangerous time for you.

Please use all the women's help organisations that you can.

I am sorry if I sound over dramatic or frightening but this is the reality for so many women who on average take six or seven attempts to leave their abusers. A year or two down the line you will thank your God that you had the courage to leave.

Oh and PS

Google 'abuse cycle'....but NOT on your own computer. Use a trusted friend's PC.

Protect yourself and your child.

I wish you a good life.

Don't take 50 years to realise you deserve better.

fedup-i dont know if you have seen this thread that lucky salem started yesterday,but maybe you should read it.alot of posts may ring true with you,and it will be uncomfortable but the sooner you accept this man is abusive the sooner you will be in a position to do whats best for you and your dd.

Dear Fedup of crying.

You are right this issue isn't about how you feed your child, is about the underlying problems that your husband has. My husband had depression and this presented not as being sad but as being irritable and bizarrely moody. He tried two counsellors which didn't help at all as he was too low to cope with it so he went to the GP and started on antidepressants which have just completely changed him into a normal person again. I did have to say that he had to go on antidepressants otherwise I would divorce him though. I am a bit cautious about writing this as he was never violent although I have a friend who's husband has been violent on occassion and he is certainly depressed although will not seek help.

Having a baby can an extremely stressful life event, everybody always focuses on the mother but also affects men too, crying babies are very difficult to cope with.

Only you are in a position to guage how your husband will react to any suggestions or action you make.

I'm afriad gettingagrip is right. 'Anger management' is a myth (although I'm sure some people may benefit) - violent men are not angry, they crave control and use violence to control you.

Anger suggests they can't 'help themselves' - its an excuse.

You could look to see if there are any domestic violence perpatrator programmes in your area. And if you ever do couples counselling again, you need to disclose the violence very early on or the counsellor cannot work with you safely or effectively.

I'm so sorry if this sounds negative.

Fedup, If he is violent to you again, and you fear for your safety, DO call the police. Many violent men think twice if they spend a day/night in jail. The police will also advise you regards to womens aid, family law solicitors who accepts legal aid, they have also a list of anger management consultants they know to get results.

Nothing is set in stone. Yes, there are controlling abusers who may never change. There are also men who just get so frustrated they lash out "for nothing better to do", they just emotionally erupt. I think there may be hope for these. They need to learn to channel their anger and frustration away from people and furniture.

Fedup.... I feel for you.
But, what sort of man bites? I can see that someone might lash out with the back of a hand in temper (although not condoning that, of course). But biting???!!! Sorry, but I think that indicates a serious problem.

Hi, I've never posted before but have experience with a partner who went for anger management. Abusive partners can suddenly become a lot worse during pregnancy and with the arrival of a child.
My partner went to the Everyman Project. I told him that if he did not do this then I would leave because I would not spend my life in an abusive relationship. They run one-to-one counselling followed by group work it is means tested depending on income. They probably run similar schemes in your area.
He was given strategies to deal with anger/abusive behaviour. The groups was especially
useful because the men there have to account for their actions.
I was supported by them too and told to have plan (have a bag ready with essentials and spare car keys and get out if he EVER threatens, lashes out etc). You walk away with baby and go to a friend/relative/police. You keep safe.
That worked for us. That said, it is not a guarantee that your husband will get better and if that is the case the only thing to do is leave your relationship. Another reason to leave apart from not being safe, is that children brought up in abusive homes themselves often become abusive and your baby needs protecting from this.
Hope this helps a bit.