just need to get this off my chest... things with dh are so awful

[fedupofcrying]

I've just had one of the worst days of my life. dh has always had a temper but he has been so much worse since our baby was born. today we argued because the baby was crying in the car, he wanted to take him out of the car seat and hold him, and i refused to drive with the baby not strapped in... for this i got my hair pulled and sworn at. later on i got sworn at because of some tension i'd caused in his family (though the situation was as much his fault as mine), he ended up threatening to take the baby away and he bit my hand. the worst of it is, he doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong. he constantly tells me i am a bad mother, our baby cries a lot and he thinks it's because i don't take his advice eg the baby is exclusively breastfed whereas he thinks it should have a bottle. his own mother backs him up and criticises all the time. i have been crying almost all day and I am so tired and fed up. this wasn't the way it was meant to be.

i'm not really posting to get advice or anything... really i just had to get this down in writing as i feel like i'm going mad. no-one in rl i can really talk to about all this and feeling very lonely.

Do you think your baby is crying so much because you are too stressed out by the abuse to produce enough milk?

It is of vital importance for a breastfeeding mum to get harmony around herself for milk production?

I won't say "leave" as I doubt its as simple as that.

Dh and I have talked about him going for anger management counselling for years. He agrees everytime we reach crisis point and then as things improve, it is forgotten. If you are serious about it, I would consider ringing up a few yourself and then offering to make the appointment with whichever sounds best.

Not sure that that will be enough for you though. It is not just his inability to control his anger that is the problem, he is undermining you as a mother and does not seem to have any faith in your judgement. WOuld he be open to you both going to couple's counselling of some sort?

Is the baby sleeping? Many marriages go through bad times because of lack of sleep on both sides. If this is an issue, couuld youu work out a routine where each of you gets an unbroken nights sleep every now and again?

hi LewisFan, i am here, trying to compose a letter to dh as people are suggesting, and i will read your post i promise

Fedup, you should listen to Lewisfan. She is a terrific support, and full of wisdom.

Fedup, you should listen to Lewisfan. She is a terrific support, and full of wisdom.

fedup

i am in a very difficult situation with my dp following the arrival of our baby. no physical violence but things as they are are not acceptable.

i have set a time limit in my head for change and after that point i have decided i will leave if things are not better.

my dp is trying to sort himself out by going to various places for help with his problems.

you need to think about yourself and your baby - tell him how serious this is, and that you need to see he wants to change

i dont know whether anger managemnt works for some abusers but it didnt for my xp and i can guarantee it WILL NOT work for somebody who blames their abusive behaviour on their victim,which is what your h is doing to you.

please listen to everyone else here.my ds1 is 10 now and still has emotional problems largely due to the violence and abuse he witnessed his father do to me when he was a baby/toddler.

dont make excuses for him anymore.most couples argue and say nasty things to each other sometimes.however,using 'disrespect' as an excuse to be violent towards you is ABUSE,which does not happen in a healthy,loving relationship.

btw don't show him this thread..my dh knows I use mn and in fact does read threads himself BUT there have been times he's felt the need to read my theads & posts... Usually led to arguments YET dh them realises that as a sahm this is my way of "socialising" (like I used to at work )and like he does at work...he also knows its my sanctury and I use mn for a reason iykwim.

Things will get better, either togther or seperate BUT only you two can decide. I would try and talk to him and not write it down for him to read as things can be read incorrectly. Maybe write it down to prompt yourself.

Do it when there will be no distractions. when the lo is in bed maybe..

I wouldn't show him the thread TBH - if he's already angry, this might not help. Agree with Quinty on packing a bag and being ready to leave. Please talk to someone in RL, someone like family, counsellor, friend who can help and someone who will take you in if needed.

His behaviour is unacceptable and it needs to stop. Hopefully talking about it or getting help will stop this and you will go on to be happy ever after. In case it doesn't, you and baby need a plan B

Stay strong, please talk to someone in RL.

if he won't seriously try and sort his behaviour out then you need to ask yourself whether you want this for the rest of your life?

Do you want this for your little boy? To see his Daddy treat his Mummy like dirt?

If his mother is joining in with him you need to face the possibility that things might never change - this might just be the way he is.

Think about it seriously - do you want this for the rest of your life?

we have done couples counselling, it was his initiative to do it, but our counsellor was of the "tell me about your childhood" school and we never seemed to make any progress with actually improving behaviours.

Hope you don't think i'm prying but do you know if his dad used to beat his mum? Could it be a childhood thing?

Ok here goes.

A few bullet points first:

DO NOT show him the thread. He will get angry and violent.

DO NOT tell him you're planning or considering leaving. He will get angry and violent.

They are what Womens Aid would say too - please keep it top secret.

Here's the mammouth post:

I was abused by my husband before, during and after becoming pregnant by him.

My DS always cried... never stopped, was BF and ate a lot (well, as much as newborns eat!) but was still ALWAYS crying.

Turns out (I found out when I escaped when DS wass 6months old) that breastmilk can't produce properly during times of severe stress.

I know it is VERY, very hard to consider formula, not least because you'll be giving in to this "man", but you must consider it.... there is a strong chance your BM isn't containing the things it needs for your baby. Mine didn't - it tore me up to move to bottles, but I had to... it really, truly isn't the devil's work. Honestly.

Also, your husband (?) may well change once he knows you want to "work it out" or him get counselling but will you ever, ever be able to trust him fully again?

He's physically assaulted you, mentally and emotionally abused you and I dare say done other things you've not told us (little things that may slip under the radar).

Women's Aid stipulate that even a push or shove, once repeatedly administered is abuse - there is no question that his behaviour (EVEN the verbal stuff) is abuse.

You are exceptionally brave to be speaking about it.

He is being a "classic" case. He is blaming you, therefore absolving himself. Absuers rarely change. I know the dream is to "fix" him and make it work so your baby has a mum and dad etc but truly - it is very, very rare and a lot more peaceful for your baby to be raised by one happy, free, stress-free (as far as parenting allows!) mummy than living and growing up in fear - even at their age now.

My DS is affected by the abuse I received; I have an inkling that he was once hurt - only once, by my ex when he was about 3 months old but I was on the end of it daily. DS is affected. We left when he was 6 months old; it gets through to babies too, sadly

I have worked long and hard on DS to get him over his hangups - nothing is unfixable as far as he's concerned but it does take a lot of work (ie, he hates seeing people play fight, he can't bear loud noises from when I was being yelled at).

I can't think of anything else to say right now, but I'm sure there'll be stuff so I'll post this for now and stay around for when I think of something else!

Take care. STAY SAFE - please don't write to him or show this thread; it will antagonise him and I fear for your safety

Womens Aid - tomorrow - 0808 2000 247

his parents used to argue, but his dad never lost his temper in the way dh does.

after the couples counselling we've done, i feel we've done "root causes" to death, i'm not so interested any more in why he is how he is, i just want things to change.

can't think of anyone in rl to tell - I dont have many close friends and I am also just too ashamed

oh see, here's things I forgot - DS is now 5.5 and we are still working on the noise thing.

By "change", I mean your partner may become "normal" and "nice"... unfortunately it's all part of the cycle and something WILL happen to tip him back to what we know is his "normal" - his abusive ways.

Please ring WA tomorrow and discuss leaving - it is very scary and sad, but honestly; I don't think you can ever fix an abuser.

Ok then if you want him to change I think you need to leave!

In all honesty, if he wants you and loves you that much then leave and make him prove it to you!

Will you please listen to LEWISFAN

Don't be ashamed, fedup - one in four women are affected; do not think you're the only woman alive, or indeed that you know, that's dealt with this.

LewisFan - just read your post. i will not show him this thread. Re the milk - DS did have formula for a while but then decided he liked drinking from me much more and screamed every time the bottle went near him...! DH wants him to be weaned onto a bottle anyway so am going to try this next week.

i hear what you are saying about children getting affected. our baby is only 10 weeks but i sometimes see his little face look shocked when I am crying or he is shouting and it breaks my heart.

we must sort this out. i have now written a letter for dh. i think this is the only way to get through to him, we are not at the stage of being able to talk about it. i'll then see if he takes up the counselling.

i hear what you are saying about poor success rates, not being able to trust him again... but i am just not anywhere near ready to give up right now, i want him to accept the problem and get help, i don't want him to leave.

going up to bed now, thanks everyone for the posts, it makes me feel i am not alone.

will you not show him the letter but type it on here for me? I just want to make sure you're not falling into his trap any further

That is a huge ask - sorry, but I needed to

by the way, I know you're in bed but...

You don't have to give up the relationship if you leave. You can work on it from a distance and stay safe.

Leaving isn't always forever, if you don't want it to be - but PLEASE put your safety and your 10 week old son's safety first.

My son was about 12 weeks old when my ex shook him to stop him crying... my father overheard him also say "Shut the F up, or I'll kill you"....

He will progress. He already has.

Just think about it x

hi... i need to get to bed but the main points i make are that i am getting scared for my safety and worried about the impact on the child; i've listed what he's done in the past few weeks; i've said i need him to do the anger counselling; and i've also said that i love him and the child and want our relationship to work, but that whilst his anger remains as it is, the relationship cannot work.

i have tried to avoid the trap of "we both need to make improvements", as all that happens then is that whenever i annoy him or ignore him, he thinks it's ok to lose his cool.

well, it's your choice of course, but I wouldn't give it to him personally - especially with the bit about concerned for your safety (which of course you are)

He'll most likely read that as "I'm getting stronger and am thinking of ways to protect myself" in which case means "you're losing control of me" and tip him over the edge - he bites you for NO reason; what is he capable of if he thinks he's losing you as his punchbag?

Just be careful.... It's your choice, completely... but please, stay safe

I was engaged years ago to a man who would constantly beat me, kick me to the floor threaten to kill me if I left.
Would laugh as I cried I went from a happy popular person to a nervous wreck no friends and no confidence ....he won
I ended up in hospital I lost so much weight that my periods had stopped and I couldnt keep food done I was so scared of him Then one night I couldnt take it anymore and I told my parents and that was it,i finished the relationship got my respect back for myself.

Years later I still hear things about the ex he has`nt changed just went on to do it to others

I have never told anybody that by the way BUT I am not ashamed its him that should be ashamed .I posted this to show you that
You are not the only one to go through this