just need to get this off my chest... things with dh are so awful

[fedupofcrying]

I've just had one of the worst days of my life. dh has always had a temper but he has been so much worse since our baby was born. today we argued because the baby was crying in the car, he wanted to take him out of the car seat and hold him, and i refused to drive with the baby not strapped in... for this i got my hair pulled and sworn at. later on i got sworn at because of some tension i'd caused in his family (though the situation was as much his fault as mine), he ended up threatening to take the baby away and he bit my hand. the worst of it is, he doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong. he constantly tells me i am a bad mother, our baby cries a lot and he thinks it's because i don't take his advice eg the baby is exclusively breastfed whereas he thinks it should have a bottle. his own mother backs him up and criticises all the time. i have been crying almost all day and I am so tired and fed up. this wasn't the way it was meant to be.

i'm not really posting to get advice or anything... really i just had to get this down in writing as i feel like i'm going mad. no-one in rl i can really talk to about all this and feeling very lonely.

Morning Fedup, just checking in to make sure you are ok?

Fedup, All the best with deciding what to do about your husband and your future or lack of it. I hope things work out for you.

Just wanted to correct one small point from all the great advice posted on this thread.

Maternal stress levels does not effect breast milk production or breast milk quality.

If you wish to carry on exclusively breastfeeding your baby you can. Of course your baby might pick up stress/anger/upset from the whole family situation and react to that but it won't be your milk to blame.

Hope that helps

How horrible.

Many years ago I was married to a man very similar to yours, it started off with pushing and shoving then wrecking the house then hitting, scratching me etc also publicly humiliating me on many occasions.

We had a baby at the time too. I lasted 3 years. We had another baby in that time. It's such a horrible situation to be in because you want to get out of it, but it isn't as simple as that. But long term this cannot work, you will lose any love and respect for him if he's treating you like this.

In the end my exh went off with another woman, which was a blessing in disguise. Don't get me wrong the swine has caused years of pain and stress but at least he wasn't living with me and our dc's.

Have you anybody you could stay with whilst you sort your head out and then you can sort the practical side of everything out? It isnt easy, but you and your baby do not deserve this.

Take care xx

I hope you're feeling stronger this morning.

BE, I disagree. Have you ever tried to breastfeed when under enormous emotional pressure? Personally I needed to be relaxed and comfortable in order to produce milk.

This is not to say that the OP cannot continue, but that if the pressure she is under is too great then there is no failure in giving formula.

Please call Women's Aid, Fedup, they can help you put things in perspective.

BE, I would like to know where you have this piece of information that maternal stress levels dont affect milk production. It does. Both in my own personal experience and from a trained breast feeding councillor as well as my health visitor.

Fedup, how are you this morning?

I do agree that a new baby is enough to push most couples over the edge, especially a first baby. It is such a shock, and nothing like the 'happy families' scenario we imagine. I think it would help you both a lot if the baby wasn't crying frequently. Formula milk might well be the answer (they don't like it at first, they are used to mum's nipple and a bottle teat is like an alien invasion in their mouth because they are much larger than mum). I didn't produce enough milk to keep my babies satisfied for long. Once they got used to the bottle, they settled down quite quickly because they were much more full and happy. Also, have you tried colic medicine to see if that helps? This crying business usually settles down at 3 months anyway, and hopefully that will help both of your nerves.

"i really thought he would curb his anger in front of the baby - i am shocked he hasn't - i can't understand it. he says that i cry in front of the baby which is just as bad (i cried in the first few weeks when things were hard with the baby, and have also cried during arguments)."

I wanted to add that I don't think there is a mother in the country who has not sobbed in front of their baby in the first few months. This will not damage your baby at all. It is not frightening (no loud noises etc) and they do not associate the tears with feelings of sadness.

You crying in front of your baby is normal, your dh/dp's behaviour is abnormal.

hi how are you today?

you need a sit down discussion. without wailing an crying shouting or screaming.

you need to set the discussion rules. no shouting or raised voices. each gets to finish a point before listening to the others reply.

i think making this fairly formal at the dining room table rather than slouched on the setee helps with the atmosphere you are trying to create.

you need to then write some bullet points for yourself.

1. You are going to breastfeed until the child is 3 months old at which time there will be a review

1. babies cry. this is not a reflection on your or his parenting styles. babies do this.

1. you absolutley expect that the way you parent be discussed internally with each other and not externally with MIL.

1. You absolutley expect your husband to defend you against MIL comments. his nuclear family has changed. it is now you and him and the baby. that comes first - other things are secondary.

1. Hair pulling, biting and pushing is violence. This is somethng that you will not stand for as your own pride will not let another human being much less yourhusband treat you with such disregard and disrespect. It is therefore n this light that you expect him to make an appointment today or tomorrow to see someone for anger management.

you can at this point admit that the things you say to him are out of order on some occasions ( you mentioned speaking to him like shit)

whilst you recognise this is hurtful to him and you will try to change this behaviour , your actions should not be an excuse for his violence.

1. timescales. You will suggest reviewing the relationship with him in another month.

1. an agreement to both try and create a stable atmosphere for your child. a confirmation of the bounderies of your relationship - violence will not be tolerated.

i really do thnk a sit down conversation is better twould be better still if you culd get someone to have the baby for an hour.

You need to say youare a good parent. As long as YOU believe this then others comments will not matter ergo no point in even saying it if it's water of a ducks back.

No it shouldn't be like this - but you need to get some backbone from the depths of your inner being. Crying becuase you are upset and thinkin that he will somehow soften and say everything will be alright andhow sorry he is - isn't going to happen.

you need resolve. even if you are shitting yourself inside you need to show him that you are a confident mother. Get up. get showered , get dressed tie hair neatly. clean clothes - ready to face the world with confidence. ready to face motherhood an unwarrented critsicm with a raised eyebrow and a wry 'i know better' smile.

breastfeed until 6* months and then a review. sorry - not three.

make it a statement - not a question. you know best you are a supreme confident mother.

Well put Custardo.

Can I add that there should be a complete halt on all statements that involve blame.

From now on you express yourself with the words "I feel..." and not "You make me feel...". He cannot blame his actions on you, they are his and his alone. It is always your own choice how you express your anger. But you can discuss what the causes of the anger are (without the blame IYSWIM), e.g. "When the baby cries I feel inadequate and want to help, when you reject my suggestions it makes me feel frustrated and angry." rather than "You make me angry when you don't listen to me."

From Women's Aid:-
"It?s possible for abusive people to change their behaviour. However, it?s very difficult to change and so isn?t very common. If your partner has promised to change before and then has resumed his abusive behaviour it?s likely that this pattern will continue to repeat itself.

Unfortunately what usually happens in an abusive relationship is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity. If your partner is serious about changing his behaviour then he?ll need to seek help either through his GP or through a service specifically for abusive men.

It?s also important to remember that changing this type of behaviour will take time and effort. If he attends a few sessions and then announces that he?s ?cured?, this is unlikely to really be the case. The best perpetrator programmes provide support for the partners and ex-partners of perpetrators, and they?ll be able to give you further information and support.

You might want to take a break from the relationship while he seeks help. During the time that he?s dealing with the reasons why he?s abusive, many issues will be brought to the surface. This could increase the intensity of the abuse for a period of time. For this reason, you may want to consider how to ensure your own safety, and that of any children you may have, during this period.

If your partner is still in any way blaming you for the abuse, then it?s clear that he hasn?t accepted full responsibility for what has happened, and while he?s still saying this, his behaviour is unlikely to change".

He attending an anger management course may not help at all with regards to the domestic violence. It will not address why he is being violent towards you. If he is as you say "unhappy and "lonely" as well these are issues that he needs to address. You are not responsible for him and his actions. He will not change because he will not accept responsibility for his actions.

Would urge you to talk to Womens Aid - its a freephone number and it won't show up on the bill.

Ooh, very well put custardo.

Morning

Thanks Custardo, this is good advice. I need to be strong and face this head on like you say, not crumple up into tears. If I manage to have a conversation in the way you say I think he will respect me for it and he will listen. If I just cry he will get more frustrated and we will get nowhere.

I am ok this morning, quite down but am texting some friends to see if i can find someone to meet up with later, don't really fancy being on my own all day.

I think I might rewrite the letter I wrote to make it more like what you've just said, I wrote it last night when I was very upset, it probably needs more thought. He has not read it yet.

On bf'ing - I am definitely going to continue, but we may introduce one bottle of formula at night, and perhaps the odd bottle of expressed milk when I want to go out (though I am crap at expressing !)

thanks so much for the advice so far, my natural tendency is just to hope things just somehow get better on their own and to put off any difficult conversations or decisions, i am now realising this just isn't an option any more now that our baby is here.

"If I manage to have a conversation in the way you say I think he will respect me for it and he will listen. If I just cry he will get more frustrated and we will get nowhere".

You seem to be shouldering all the blame for his actions by writing the above.

I would imagine as well that he's always had a temper and has been verbally and or emotionally abusive towards you on more than one occasion in the past. If this is the case, then this behaviour has now escalated to physical pain. Perhaps you thought that by marrying him he would change or that you could change him?.

Do not show him any letter you write. You may well want to address the problems pertaining to his violence towards you but he clearly is not interested. He could have found time to go to AM classes before now but has chosen not to. I would still argue about anger management's actual effectiveness when it comes to domestic violence issues.

QuintessentialShadows,

Tiktok previously posted that stress does not affect milk supply and that...

"The milk ejection reflex ('let down') can be affected by huge stress, but it is temporary and will not affect supply in the long term. Just keep offering the breast to your baby. She may also need to suck for comfort and to feel close to you. This effect does not normally last for more than a few hours (though I have come across one case where it lasted 24 hours, when the mother had a sudden bereavement)."

I had a very stressfull time, seperated from my exclusively breastfed 4 month old baby, on the verge of organ failure (gall stone stuck in a duct, I was bright yellow) not eating for week on painkillers and I still kept my milk and continued to express/nurse.

Do you know which charity trained the breast feeding counsellor who told you the opposite ?

BabiesareEverywhere, starting an argument about this is not in good taste in this type of thread, it is not a breast vs bottle argument.

The most important thing is that the OP's baby is fed, dont you agree?
I think it is counterproductive to keep on insisting breastfeeding is best for the baby and putting even more pressure on the op.

My post earlier on was in support of a domestic abuse victim who also has a problem with a screaming baby, is it so important to wave the brastfeading pitchfork on this thread? OP should know that whatever way she under her particular circumstances feeds her baby is OK.

TO THE OP:
I was under extreme stress when I had my second, and breastfeeding was very hard, when sobbing my heart out most of the time, and only wanting to die. The worst part of the day was the evening, when I was knackered, and I introduced a top up bottle for the last feed around 11 pm. This was to be a life saver to me, as I got some rest, my baby stopped crying and I could sleep for a few hours before the next feed. Eventually, when I was no longer stressing about my milk and whether baby was getting enough, and he stopped crying so much, he stopped taking the top up feeds. Adding a bottle for the evening feed is OK. It does not indicate the end of breastfeeding. You are providing food for your baby, that is the most important thing.

I have breastfed two babies till over a year old. Even if it is hard to begin with, it is worth continuing, if it is right for you and your baby.

I hope you are doing ok today, Fedup.

QuintessentialShadows, With respect, I am not 'starting an argument', I was politely answering your question. You asked me...

"I would like to know where you have this piece of information that maternal stress levels dont affect milk production."

I am not " insisting breastfeeding is best for the baby and putting even more pressure on the op", I just corrected a common breastfeeding myth.

It is very important the OP gets the correct facts, so she can make her own mind up, in regards to what she wishes to do.

All the best to the OP

I agree with Stella. Whereabouts in the country are you fedup? Someone could come out with you and the baba?

Cust - Well put

Babieseverywhere - I agree that this shouldn't be a breast v bottle debate too, if you want one start another thread.

Fedup - That's a very good idea about introducing the odd bottle, If you wish to continue bfing there is no reason why not and perhaps the odd bottle will help make sure that your supply is not affected and calm the baby more often therefore not provoking your partner.

Personally, I still think you should get out of that house, even if its just for a week so that he can see your serious and prove he's changing.

Babiesareeverywhere, google is a useful tool here Stressed out and Dried Up - an article about how maternal stress may affect breastfeeding and milk supply. I am ensuring she is getting the facts, are you?

I am not about to name my health visitor to you, and I am not telling where my breastfeeding consultant trained. As long as professional opinion differ on the subject matter, you would be well advised to not "disperse of breastfeeding myths" until you are a trained scholar with breastfeeding as your special field of research.

This thread is going off at a tangent.

Unless the OP comes back to say actually the BF thing was the main crux of her concerns, then perhaps we should leave it alone for now.