Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just need to get this off my chest... things with dh are so awful

121 replies

fedupofcrying · 15/06/2008 21:49

I've just had one of the worst days of my life. dh has always had a temper but he has been so much worse since our baby was born. today we argued because the baby was crying in the car, he wanted to take him out of the car seat and hold him, and i refused to drive with the baby not strapped in... for this i got my hair pulled and sworn at. later on i got sworn at because of some tension i'd caused in his family (though the situation was as much his fault as mine), he ended up threatening to take the baby away and he bit my hand. the worst of it is, he doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong. he constantly tells me i am a bad mother, our baby cries a lot and he thinks it's because i don't take his advice eg the baby is exclusively breastfed whereas he thinks it should have a bottle. his own mother backs him up and criticises all the time. i have been crying almost all day and I am so tired and fed up. this wasn't the way it was meant to be.

i'm not really posting to get advice or anything... really i just had to get this down in writing as i feel like i'm going mad. no-one in rl i can really talk to about all this and feeling very lonely.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 22:36

He hasnt got round to it.
He blames his abuse on YOU. not a good sign.

The fact that he is abusive to his babys mum in the babys presence is very worrying. Letting a child witness domestic abuse is actually child abuse. He is commiting child abuse every time he abuses you. Do you want your child to grow up witnessing how he behaves towards you?

Original poster
fedupofcrying · 15/06/2008 22:38

i really thought he would curb his anger in front of the baby - i am shocked he hasn't - i can't understand it. he says that i cry in front of the baby which is just as bad (i cried in the first few weeks when things were hard with the baby, and have also cried during arguments).

OP posts:
LuckySalem · 15/06/2008 22:40

fedup - I witnessed my mum and dad having a fight (not just arguing a fight) and it honestly scarred me. They only ever had 1 and they are still together and I truly believe it was both of their faults but it was horrid....

Now think about your LO... How many times do they have to watch their dad beating their mum up? You have a responsibility to raise your child in the right manner and by allowing your husband to beat you, you are showing your DC that it is an ok thing to do.

I'm not sure if your DC is a boy/girl but either way you are running the risk of either raising a wifebeater or a girl who believes that that is how people are meant to behave.

Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 22:41

Leave him. Call women's aid tomorrowhomepage

Sanctuary · 15/06/2008 22:42

He is pulling you down
whatever confidence you have left he taking away from you trying to make you feel worthless, a bad mum plus a nervous wreck

He is a control freak and a bully

QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 22:42

He has crossed a line by letting his temper turn into violence. He knows he can get away with it so it continues, and he may push the line further and further ... Do you want to be around to see that happen?

We have many posters here who have experienced long and sustained attackes by their partners, being punched and thrown about. In most cases it has built up slowly over time.

You would be wise to secretly start preparing to leave. Save up money, have an emergency bag with your passports and birth certificates, etc, some clothing, important documents. Just in case. Really really sad for you.

Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 22:42

Tell them about your dp, I'm sure they will understand whether you're ready to leave or not. But please call them.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 22:47

Yes, you should let your family know.

umberella · 15/06/2008 22:51

QuintessentialShadows is bang on the money. You need to start getting a plan together if you need to leave quickly.

My sister had a dp who used to treat her in a similar way.

He ended up smashing a glass and sticking it in her arm and back because she 'wasn't as pretty as his last girlfriend'.

Original poster
fedupofcrying · 15/06/2008 22:52

can anger management counselling work? surely i should give him a chance to try it.

i know i am making him sound nasty but he is in fact unhappy and lonely as well. and i can be pretty disrespectful to him so i understand why he gets angry, everyone gets angry sometimes - i just can't deal with how that anger sometimes comes out.

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupofcrying · 15/06/2008 22:53

do people think it's a good idea to show him this thread, btw?

OP posts:
Rachmumoftwo · 15/06/2008 22:53

Please try to get away, he is wearing you down, making you doubt yourself as a person and a mother. If he then seeks help, you can decide whether your relationship is worth saving, although in my experience (as a child whose mother had violent and destructive partners) if he has crossed one line (hurting you) there is nothing to stop him crossing the next (hurting your child).

LuckySalem · 15/06/2008 22:53

fedup - take that last post as another reason you should leave.

He may one day decide your a terrible mother and aren't worthy of looking after his child adn beat the crap outta you killing you, Your child has no mother!

I'm sorry to be soo harsh but PLEASE don't let him get away with it.

umberella · 15/06/2008 22:53

These guys will always find a way to blame you for what they are doing - and the more they grind you down the more you will listen to their shit.

Please listen to what everyone is saying here and at least get some advice from Women's aid and have a plan in place in case you need to get you and your baby out quickly.

LuckySalem · 15/06/2008 22:54

NO!! - Don't show him the thread! Your just asking him to get angry again. Plus he may feel that your invading his privacy etc.

huggymummy · 15/06/2008 22:54

He bit you AND you were driving at the time!!! And you had your baby in the car!!

So he abused you and put your baby's life at risk. No wonder you are crying. His family sound like arseholes, he is an arsehole.

You should think about YOUR future. Get as much help from family and friends as you can.

umberella · 15/06/2008 22:54

I wouldn't show him this to be honest

QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 22:54

Stop making excuses for him, he is a grown man. Stop blaming yourself. A man who is physically abusing his partner is not pitiable, he is a pathetic controlling bully.

Dont you see what he is doing? He is making you responsible for his behaviour.

Rachmumoftwo · 15/06/2008 22:55

I don't think you should show him, as he may flip out toally about both what you have said, and our responses. You could write him a letter saying how you feel about what is happening, how scared and unhappy you are. Do you think him reading it in black and white will make him come round and realise what he is doing?

umberella · 15/06/2008 22:55

if he realises you are starting to talk about what he is doing it will be like you're undermining him. which will probably make him angry again.

umberella · 15/06/2008 22:56

he will see it as his control starting to slip.

Sanctuary · 15/06/2008 22:57

Please don`t make excuses for his actions there is no excuse for it

We all can be disrespectful at times to our partners it does`nt give them the right to hit you

Original poster
fedupofcrying · 15/06/2008 22:58

Maybe a letter is a better idea than showing him the thread - I did try to write things down in an email a few weeks ago, which is what prompted him to say he would go for counselling. I might try writing something now.

this is so terribly depressing. i am just thinking of our little baby and it makes me weep.

please someone tell me there can be a happy ending - surely anger management works for some people?

OP posts:
shhhh · 15/06/2008 22:58

you are your baby's mother and you are doing a good job, a brilliant job in fact..You have never been a mum before and it does take a hell of a long time to adjust and to feel confident and a natural and even then its not always smooth sailing.

Your partner is not being supportive although maybe he is also trying to adjust to becoming a new dad iykiwm.

You need support from him and his mother and not criticism. For starters I would ignore his mother and to remove you from any situation that means she criticises you etc.

You need to sit down and speak honestly and truthfully to your dp. When a newborn arrives be it your 1st or 10th its hard work and stressful but you need to remember that you both loved each other at some point to "make" this baby, maybe you just need to remind each other of this fact.

I agree, your dp's behaviour is worrying and not right but before you walk etc please speak to him to give him a chance to voice his views etc.
You owe it to your dp yet you also owe it to yourself and your lo to be happy and to enjoy life as a new mum.

Big hugs, keep strong xx

Alambil · 15/06/2008 23:01

Hi fedup... I'm going to write a long post so please, please read it - I've been EXACTLY where you are, even with the always crying baby.

My post isn't going to be easy to read at times but you really do need to take it into account ok? Can you promise you'll at least read it?

Swipe left for the next trending thread