My 13 year old DS and my ex

[SoSadSoSadSoSad]

We live in EU. My ex lives in UK. 3 dcs. 18. 16. 13. 18 year old at university in UK.

We came here for ex’s job. He lost it. Went back to London for work. Lockdown happened. Dcs and I stayed. I got us citizenship.

Ex was highly abusive. Screaming fits at me. Occasionally violent. Adulterous. Racked up big debts. Missing money etc. I think he has a serious personality disorder because he accepts no responsibility or even admits any of it.

I held it all together and we are separated divorce pending.

I got kids into a school after their private international school fees were no longer possible.

Ds13 decided he hates this school. Misbehaves. Disruptive. Has been suspended for three days. The school is fine. Ds has a fantasy about U.K. schools. He wants to go to school in the U.K. Ex h says he can live with him and go to a private school. Ex h has been verbally abusive to all my DCs. I worry and I warn ds13. He doesn’t care. The prospect of another private school to him is very alluring.

Ex h said ds13 does not like me. Does not like living with me. And prefers ex h and wants to live with him. He told me with such glee. All confirmed by ds13 to my face.

I know why he doesn’t like me. I’m the one that gets him out of bed, nags him to do homework, tidy his room etc. He is not an easy kid. But then what teen is? But when I heard he actively dislikes me, I am heartbroken.

Ex h of course is delighted. He said to me with his face contorted in hate that revenge is sweet and that he wants me to lie awake at night dreading and wondering what is going to happen to me. All because he believes I alienated the DCs from him when he assaulted me and they refused to see him for ten months. I didn’t. And also because I expressed reservations about ds13 living with him.

Ds13 doesn’t even speak to me. He shuts his bedroom door. Doesn’t communicate. He’s very chatty with his dad. Told his dad I didn’t feed him 😮 and that he dislikes me intensely. He refuses counselling. Wants nothing to do with me.

I seriously am so hurt. But also really angry. He told my abuser that he doesn’t like me and that I don’t feed him. That he reports on me to ex h. Which of course is used against me by ex h.

I have told ds13 he can go to UK. I will not stand in his way. Ex h’s mask may slip and he may get shouted at and threatened. Ex h may think he has ‘won’ but I don’t care about that.

When ds13 goes to school in the UK, I just want to fade from his view. Fade from his life. I simply cannot endure more kicks in the teeth. I have tried so hard to hold this family together after years of abuse and misery. And they just flock to their dad because he has money and can do loads of things with them.

If I thought it was just a school issue then I could be ok with that. Even though I know exh can’t really afford the school. He’s deluded financially.

But it’s just the pain of more kicks and cruelty. I have had enough. I just want to step away from ds13 and leave him to it with my ex. Let them bitch about me and let him be poisoned against me. So be it. I just feel broken. Ex h has used this an opportunity to show hate and cruelty. Ds13 seems perfectly happy about it. He heard what ex h said about revenge, how I apparently tore the family apart etc.

I am not strong enough to take more misery. I think if I don’t see ds13 for a couple of years or more then that would be best. I know that makes me a shit parent but I just don’t want to be lined up for more rejection and endure the glee from ex h.

What I envisioned for my family is nothing like this. It’s all so toxic and hopeless. I don’t think I deserved the way things have turned out so horribly. I just want to walk away. I don’t want to martyr myself for horribleness anymore.

At 14 my ds chose full time with his df..
Ds lasted a year.
In that year we barely communicated.. My mh vastly improved...
It had to or I would have cracked.

Ds came back a new him. And a happy dm was awaiting... Been 10 years now!!
Adult ds is an absolute smasher..
And exh has been dead over 2 years..

Let him go, but be there for him. He is a child. He didn’t choose any of this, his father, your marriage, his abuse, your abuse, the split, none of it. He’s unhappy, miserable (and possibly traumatised) and just wants it to stop. He doesn’t know what he wants or needs so he’s going for the easy/obvious options. Because he IS a child. Stop taking it so personally, because despite him making it about you, you know deep down it’s not. It’s about his own pain and trauma and finding his place.

Tell me more.

Why was your MH under such pressure?

I feel so sad for you reading this OP 😔 I think you are right to let him go and I would keep to phone calls and letters for a good while, you need a nervous system reset after all the stress and abuse. Tell him you love him and that you want him to be happy. Maybe he will flourish in his new private school. You have been a steady and loving presence all his life and I really hope that when he's got through these bloody awful selfish teenage years that he will find his way back to you. It's not impossible although it may feel like it now.

Above all, be kind to yourself and look after yourself. You've been through the most awful time and you need healing and recovery. Sending you the biggest unmumsnetty hug 💐

@SoSadSoSadSoSad It sounds like you're reliving the abuse your ex put you through by your son now. I think you should let him go but no need to make decisions about the future yet. You def need therapy (meant in a nice way- anyone having suffered abuse needs it) and maybe when things have calmed down externally (your son in UK) and in internally (therapy will hopefully help you) you will be able to look at the situation with more detachment and without that raw hurt that you are experiencing at the moment.
Take care 🌷

You sound exhausted by it. You are right to let him go but hard as it is, before he does, you should reassure him that you love him and he can come home with no judgement. He’s 13, possibly he is building an illusion that his dad is the perfect dad. He sounds very damaged as do you by what you have been through. His grip on reality sounds off. You know he isn’t making a good choice. It’s because he is so young. It sounds as though it would benefit you to have therapy - this is a terrible situation you are in. You will get some peace if he does go and that will likely help. If he goes he will do an awful lot of growing up, his dad can likely only maintain Disney dad for so long. Give him a route back.

Ds was taking drugs. Drinking. Ex took him out of school.. Df desperate to be the cool one.

I need more advice.

I am really struggling mentally with this.

Ex is on a mission is ensure I am portrayed as a bad parent. His narrative is working well on my ds13. Ds13 came back from ten days visit to my ex. He barely says a word to me. Eats. Goes to his room. Doesn’t communicate.

My ex is calling up my ds13 and ds16 asking them if they have enough food. If they have eaten. If there is food in the fridge. I overheard ds13 describing his supper in detail over the phone. Asking them what they have done with me. Ds13 refuses to do anything with me so the answer is always nothing, adding to ex h’s narrative that I am useless. He gave me back a hot water bottle saying he did not want it even though he has one every night. It’s like he is actively rejecting everything he can that is to do with me.

I really do not know how to deal with this. Ds13 is probably leaving in April to start a new school in UK. He’s even more detached than before. I make sure he is fed, clothed etc and will make sure he gets to school and sports when it all starts up again next week. As usual.

My ex is very angry and is nursing a misplaced grudge against me because after he assaulted me, the DCs refused to see him for ten months. He sent them cards. Tried to call them. They refused to see him, speak to him or read his cards. I left them out for them. Made sure they knew it was their choice. I have facilitated his seeing them once they decided to see him. But exh believes I actively alienated them from him. Simply isn’t the case at all.

He has told me that revenge is sweet now ds13 wants to live with him and that ds13 doesn’t like me. I know there is a steady drip drip of poison from exh. Which will be nonstop when ds13 lives with him.

I don’t want it engage or even try to neutralise the poison because it’s pointless. And ds13 will come to think I am an awful parent. I don’t see how that view will ever change.

Exh is highly abusive. Verbally. Physically. Financially. Last week he was shouting at me what a shit parent I am in front of ds13 and then texts to say how important it is for his kids to have a good relationship with their mother and how he will make sure ds13 calls me regularly.

in 2022, he twisted my head until I saw black and couldn’t breathe. After screaming in my face for three hours. That was just one episode.

He betrayed me many times with other women. Putting my mental and physical health at high risk.

He spent all the family money from our house sale and continues to aggressively lie about it.

Yet he is so skilled at lying, manipulation and deceit (well, mostly through screaming and shouting) that I am the bad guy. I am to blame for his adultery. His financial catastrophes. His violence.

I’m the bad guy for hating having to constantly nag and chivvy our dss out of bed to go to school..And getting ratty about it.

I feel beaten. Useless. Powerless. And I think that generates contempt from ds13. I put one foot in front of the other. Go to work. Function. Try and keep it all together.

Has anyone experienced this and their child as an adult manages a relationship with both parents? Because I don’t see how ds13 can actually manage a relationship with both of his parents when his dad is intent on this level of toxicity. I think it’s better I retreat and don’t become part of this tug of war and stay very neutral and steady in the background.

Just let him go, tell him you'll be there when he needs you and step back.

Is there a reason you have so much contact with the ex when the boys could be managing their relationship with him by now.

The ex comes to visit them. We live in a different country to him.

My point is not about letting him go. Its about the nonsense he’s being fed.

And ds13 is going. I don’t understand this “let him go.”

My dd is 15 and went to live with her dad at that age. He (ex) is exactly as you describe yours. He ended up getting her hooked on drugs, the police got her back and put him on bail with no contact. She’s still susceptible 3 years later to his nonsense but I remind her to believe what she sees with her own eyes not what anyone tells her, and to be kind. She’s ok-ish now. The big break in school (he didn’t bother taking her) has had a devastating impact on her education but her head is at least screwed on. It really is a catch-22 OP and sadly you probably need to let this run its course and hope your son sees the reality at some point. Unfortunately the relationship between the narc and the golden child can be pretty “good” as far as the kid sees it. It’s maddening there’s no legal help with this.

@summitfever what a horror story. Thank heavens you got your dd back.

It is a good thing for a kid to have a good relationship with a parent. But why does it have to be at the detriment of the other parent? Why is my character denegrated? It must be to try and drive a wedge, possibly a permenant one, which imo is awful. And really painful

I'm so sorry OP, there isn't anything you can do about the nonsense your DS is being fed except calmly and repeatedly refute your ex's claims. At 13, he is still easily swayed but you have to have hope that as he gets older, he will start to see his dad for who he is. All you can do is be there, and love him. Sometimes the hardest thing of all is to do nothing.

Don't engage with the ex, walk away from any discussion with him, it is really not worth listening to and is detrimental to your health and well-being. You would probably benefit from accessing some counselling for yourself. You may be feeling defeated and useless and broken, but you need to find the strength to pick yourself up - you had the strength to leave him and now you have to make a good life for yourself. He hasn't won, whatever he thinks - he's a nasty bitter abusive pig and he'll never be truly happy. He's damaging his own child and he doesn't care. He's absolute scum.

I was just referring to one of your other posts where you were talking of him going and you wanting to limit communication/contact, i dont believe you have to leave yourself open to abuse just because your the mother

@SoSadSoSadSoSadits actually a really common narcissist tactic. Look up golden child/scapegoat child theory and I bet it resonates. It’s a risk letting him go as you may never get him back but the constant fight, especially when you have other kids to consider is draining. IME coaching him to figure it out for himself is the way to go but it takes some studying on your part to figure this guy out. Once you know a bit about these creatures their behaviour actually becomes quite predictable and obvious. They’re all the same.

Your ds is being manipulated, he’s a child so don’t blame for falling for it, especially as he has been exposed to so much in your violent dysfunctional marriage. You are still traumatised yourself, that’s not the fault of your child, so don’t put that on him. Get yourself some counselling, and tell your ds your love for him is (and always will be) unconditional. Make sure he knows you will always be there for him whenever he needs you, because he’s definitely going to need you.

I don’t blame him. I am surprised he wants to live with his dad after everything he’s seen and heard from his dad’s hysteric and violent behaviour.

I am very hurt that he bitched about me and told lies about me to my exh. So I am very careful around him. I don’t want to enable any more toxicity. If I can be neutral, stable and calm then there’s nothing to weaponise and less for him to be swept up in exh’s toxic conversations about me.

My dd say exh is pissed off I don’t want him back so he’s out to create more misery for me. I just want out and away from this life that I have.

I’m sorry OP, you sound so hurt (understandably).

I agree with the other posters: let him go but keep in touch so he has nothing to use against you later. There are decades of him being your son ahead of him, don’t lose sight of that because of a bad couple of years.

When I was a teenager my brother and mum clashed constantly. was awful, truly awful. My DM actually moved out of the house for several months at one point because she couldn’t be around him (we had no dad to send him to, so we just stayed home with no parents for a while). Anyway they love each other to bits now. My DB knows he was a dickhead and has told me that he completely recognises that DM stuck by him throughout all sorts of behaviour.

Also, not the point, but if DF has money for a private school he should have been willing to pay for him regardless of where DS is living. What a scumbag to only shell out for private school as a way to hurt you, but not for your sons own good.

Well, the school they plan for ds13 is an excellent school.

Besides exh owes the private school here €10k in unpaid fees. He spent the money that was allocated to paying these school fees. In what I don’t know. So I am left chipping away at this debt that he refuses to help with even though he spent the money on something else. A holdup with one of his gfs, I suspect.

Also Ds16 doesn’t get to go to private school. Exh said if he came to the U.K., he’d pay for him. With what I don’t know but only if he went to the UK. Ds16 doesn’t want to leave and he says he really doesn’t want to live with exh anyway.

But it’s not fair on him at all.

A holiday with one of his gfs I meant to type.

let him go and live with his Dad, but do keep in contact with him, let him know the door is open if he needs to come back and can behave kindly to you and his siblings.

he’s a child, one that’s been through a lot, so you can’t just ‘cut him off’. And he’s not his father - although he seems to be being influenced by him (understandable as he’s only 13). 13 year olds can be little sh*ts anyway - with or without awful fathers!

I agree with pps that you need to cut all contact with your ex - he can communicate directly with his kids now they are all teens (and DS13 will be living with him). If you allow him to continue to (verbally) abuse you and tell you you’re a crap parent then you won’t be able to heal and build a new life for yourself without him. There’s no need for you to be in contact with him now. That will annoy him I’m sure as he’s using it to continue to control and intimidate you.

OP 13 year olds say hurtful things to their parents often! They can be absolutely bloody horrible! It’s hard not to take it to heart, but you have to detach a bit from his words. He will regret all this one day. Don’t let your hurt get the better of your relationship with your child.

Honestly, you need some therapy. This is all your stuff that is being vomited up for your ds to carry. You need to stop placing these burdens and adult interpretations on his experiences of abuse. Yes, his dad is shit (you chose his dad though, he didn’t).

It’s okay for him to want to go live with his dad. Let him. Stop picking at the wound. The decision is made. I’d be letting him go now. You don’t need to be digging away at this and replaying all the pain and constantly going over how horrible he is to you. Tell him you love him and he always has a home with you. Tell him to coordinate his flights with ex. Get him suitcases and boxes to pack his things. Stay focused on the practical.

Stop communicating with your ex. Block him. Give him an email (a new one) to contact you at or via a third party (solicitor or mutual friend). Ex can communicate directly with your ds. He shouldn’t be contacting you for any reason. Do get yourself some support though. You have a huge amount of trauma you are carrying around and it’s really negatively impacting how you’re able to parent your son through this tough time. You need to heal yourself to be the best you can be for him. He won’t always be 13 and one day he will need you again.

I wouldn't let him go op. Not until he has engaged with counseling properly. You would be doing him a disservice.