Is it wrong to seek connection outside your relationship

[Patient2026]

First time poster and a little all over the shop so be gentle with me.

My daughter has moved to uni and my boyfriend is a dismissive avoidant and is currently pulling back so I feel very alone. Is it wrong to see connections outside my relationship. I dont have anyone asking how I am very much. Where would I even go to find connections. Feeling a little lost right now. Any guidance would be appreciated.

I would firstly encourage that your share your feelings of loneliness with your boyfriend. Seeking outside connections may send the wrong signals and if your boyfriend finds out, it could cause heartache or be the end of your relationship. Why not try a new hobby where you can interact with other people?

Your boyfriend is a dismissive avoidant - so he doesn’t meet your emotional needs
did he ever?
People have friendships, and connections outside of their long term partner - are you asking if you should be seeking more than that ? You need to talk to your BF first if you want to continue that relationship

I’m not sure what you mean by “connections” OP, could you explain?

If you mean trying to make some new friends or chat to existing friends then that’s totally fine. A partner can never meet 100% of your needs and having friends to chat to is so valuable.

If you mean looking for another man, then no that’s not okay.

Get rid of the boyfriend, you’re worth more than that, he doesn’t get to toy with you. Once you have a stable baseline of no one yanking your chain that will help. Do you have any hobbies you’re interested in? Local walking groups. Facebook can be good for finding groups. Can you go to a regular class? Finding friends takes time but it’s worth pursuing. Connections are important and don’t all have to come from one person. Obviously more than one deep partner level emotional connection tends to be unfair on someone, but strong friendships with emotional connections and a community of friends is no bad thing. Your partner should never be the be all and end all of your life, that is a recipe for trouble and leaves you alone and isolated if that partnership breaks down

You can, and should, have as many friends as you like, OP. No one should be solely emotionally dependent on their spouse/partner.

However, if what is actually making you miserable and desperate for 'connection' is your relationship, wouldn't be be a better idea to end it?

Ditto if what you mean by 'connection' is sex or romance outside your relationship.

I don't really know what a dismissive avoidant is.

What do you mean by connections? Friendships? Yes! Of course you should have good friends outside of your relationship. Other sexual partners? that's totally different.

Thanks all. No I absolutely do not mean sex or another romantic relationship outside of this one. My bf is absolutely perfect in every way apart from when he pulls away. He clearly has past trauma and he knows it but it still leaves me feeling alone. I know I shouldn't rely on him for happiness so I need to fill that void.

I'm quite confused to be honest. Is it possible for a friendship to fill that void I think I have? My bf told me I need a hobby so I run and go to a leisure centre for relaxation. I don't have close friends. A lot of mates i meet up with now and again. Now that my daughter is gone I dont like being home alone. I want to talk to people and have a real connection where do people find that when its not a romantic relationship.

I would redefine your definition of the word perfect because he is clearly not.

What does you DD also think of this supposed "dismissive avoidant" man?. Who diagnosed him as such?.

And indeed it is not wrong to seek connections outside of romantic relationships.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

With kindness you are wasting your time with him and your an do better for yourself than being some fallback girl. This is who he is and he is not going to change for you or anyone else. Ok so he may well have past trauma but is he actually seeing a therapist re this?. If not why not?. You should not and cannot be used as his emotional support human at your own expense.

What interests you?. Expand your own horizons here by getting out into the world even if it is just something like going to a community centre for a coffee. Do you work outside the home?.

All this. He doesn't sound 'perfect'.

And regardless of why he doesn't seem to be fulfilling even your most basic emotional needs (and yes, I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat that 'dismissive avoidant' is mostly pop psychology used by women trying to excuse the actions of a man who doesn't give two hoots about them), the relationship just isn't working for you.

You shouldn't need to be looking for other relationships because you're in a relationship with a man who doesn't ask or care how you are.

Wouldn't it be nice to be in a relationship with someone who really, really cared how you were?

A lot of marriages and longterm relationships break up when a child leaves for university, both because it exposes the huge cracks in the relationship and because the futility of 'staying together for the kids' becomes apparent. Think about it.

If your BF is pulling back since your daughter left and is encouraging you to find hobbies it's possible you're looking for more from him than he is comfortable giving. He's not going to fill this void you feel. It doesn't sound like your relationship is working for your increased emotional needs at the moment, you might reevaluate that.

You're lonely because your daughter has left home and you have no close friends. You sound a bit depressed, maybe you should be screened for depression.

I think your BF's advice to find a hobby is a good one. Pick up something you've always wanted to do. Learn a new sport if you enjoy physical activity. Painting or pottery if you enjoy art. Cooking class of you enjoy cooking.

Absolutely perfect, apart from the fact he’s a dismissive avoidant and you feel like he doesn’t meet any of you emotional needs 🙄

I should have said perfect for me. Nobody is perfect of course. I hear what you are all saying about not having my needs met but nobody gets everything they want in a relationship right? There will always be some level of compromise.

His need for independence isnt exactly ideal for me but Im working on being more independent myself.

Im out of practice making friends I suppose. But I think thats maybe what I need.

My husband and I both have friends.

I have school friends, they live around the country, a couple are the other side of the city and we only meet up in person every couple of months but we're in weekly contact on messenger.

Uni friends who live all around the country and internationally who I see once a year and whatsapp once a month ish.

My sister who lives very locally who I see weekly and message regularly. My parents who live locally and I see weekly for a meal and sometimes shows and quizzes.

The school mums, only a few of them now our kids are in high school, but we meet up every month or so for drinks or food and we've got a festival and gigs planned together.

The partners of my husbands' mates, some I know from school but most I've got to know as adults. We chat in a whastapp without the boys, we go out for brunch, nights out, family BBQs, holidays, weekends away, local walks, park meet ups etc.

Rugby friends - all our kids play the sport, my husband plays, we go to our local club on Saturdays and Sundays to watch everyone play their games, to watch club and international games, for social events like parties, fundraisers, etc, and just for sitting around chatting in an intergenerational welcoming space where we all belong and have our own mates.

We all have other hobbies and interests and jobs and all the more casual friends and connections through that. Neighbours, people we volunteer with in the community.

Not all sports are as social but I don't think you'll find what you're looking for at a leisure centre. Maybe something with more of a club or membership model like tennis or golf. At our community centre where I'm involved, we have groups which people who are lonely or just want to meet new people can come to, some are daytime, some evening. Some are about learning a skill like embroidering or cooking but involve making friends and others are more social focused. We have a mix of ages at them and they're well attended. Could be worth looking into voluntary groups in your area?

A dismissive avoidant will destroy you emotionally, no matter how good the other aspects of your relationship. It will eat you up inside and make you feel completely hollow.

This is how I feel. Surely no matter what his attachment styles is, if I work on being more "secure" and have other connections I will be fine?

But why would you want to continue in a relationship that makes you feel so bad that you have to artificially bolster your own self-esteem and try to make other connections to compensate for how dreadful it makes you feel?

It doesnt make me feel dreadful. Most of the time i feel like my needs are being met. And I feel confident, secure and brilliant. Just when his need independence creeps in Im left feeling lost.

Perhaps im relying too much on him and Im the problem. which is why im looking for hobbies etc to keep me busy and meet people.

What’s a dismissive avoidant? Is that one of these new made up titles to excuse a man’s piss poor behaviour and bring a shit partner?

In a nutshell, yup.

Haha, I suppose you could see it that way. Try googling it. Essentially its someone who very much values their independence. They freak out (for want of a better phrase) when they feel thats being threatened i.e. commitment or they realise they are getting too close to someone. When they are upset they pull back and self sooth. Chasing them down to talk about the issue only pushes them away and causes them to shutdown. All related to how they were raise and how their parents showed love or didnt.

No, that’s not how it works.

Someone secure wouldn’t engage to such an extent with someone who behaves that way.

They wouldn’t accept that behaviour.
Early on in the relationship they would have recognised this was a one way street.

They would have been confident they deserved better and moved on quickly. They would’ve been confident the would either meet someone better or that they would be able to have a better life meeting their own needs in a different way.

Having a secure attachment style isn’t being able to weather whatever behaviour someone else throws your way. It’s about being securely attached to yourself. So you hear and heed your own emotions.

If you feel emotionally drained and lonely, and you aren’t changing your behaviour, you are making yourself less secure not more.

“Patient2026 · Today 15:42
TwistedWonder · Today 15:35
What’s a dismissive avoidant? Is that one of these new made up titles to excuse a man’s piss poor behaviour and bring a shit partner?

Haha, I suppose you could see it that way. Try googling it. Essentially its someone who very much values their independence. They freak out (for want of a better phrase) when they feel thats being threatened i.e. commitment or they realise they are getting too close to someone. When they are upset they pull back and self sooth. Chasing them down to talk about the issue only pushes them away and causes them to shutdown. All related to how they were raise and how their parents showed love or didnt.”

I agree with @TwistedWonder that these labels just excuse bad behaviour. It’s a way of rationalising a lack of care and sticking around despite the lack of care, instead of accepting that a person may just not be that into you.

But you sound lovely, @Patient2026, and definitely should be carving out some time and space for your own friendships and your own interests.

You see as much as I understand what you’re saying, I think these made up labels and ‘attachment styles’ do make excuses to justify poor behaviours

Im old now and this obsession with giving everything g a label rather than calling it what it is has caused women far too much drama and made them drop boundaries and accept crap because someone somewhere made up a name for it.

Back on my day they would have been called a commitment phone and be told to grow and stop blaming their parents for their adult failings.

What on earth is a dismissive avoidant? Is that the latest badge for someone that doesn't give a fuck? Anyway, you shouldn't feel so desperately lonely in a relationship but it's always healthy (and a good idea) to have outside friends/interests if that what you mean by "connections".

Most people make friends throughout their lives. What happened to yours?
Do you work? Are there any work colleagues you feel you'd like to get to know more? Offer to meet for a coffee.
Are there any family members you are particularly close with?
Do you have any school or uni friends?
Are there any sociable hobbies you'd like to get involved with?
Local meetup groups?

Yes, it is absolutely possible (and necessary) to have people around you who can fill your emotional needs other than your intimate partner and children. It's not healthy to only focus on them for your emotional stability and happiness.