Is it wrong to seek connection outside your relationship

[Patient2026]

First time poster and a little all over the shop so be gentle with me.

My daughter has moved to uni and my boyfriend is a dismissive avoidant and is currently pulling back so I feel very alone. Is it wrong to see connections outside my relationship. I dont have anyone asking how I am very much. Where would I even go to find connections. Feeling a little lost right now. Any guidance would be appreciated.

My older brother is a dismissive avoidant from lots of previous trauma and it’s just who he is.
He can turn very cold in an instant and hurts people to save himself.
Your boyfriend, imo, (as mine is) should be like a best friend. I would tell my partner anything and everything and he would respond in some way. If your partner can’t deal with your emotions how is that going to stand the test of time?
What if someone you love dies? Would he shut down and leave you to deal with it alone?

To be honest, I’m probably a bit like this - it doesn’t mean I don’t care for the other person, it’s just how I deal with things. I’m not quite as extreme but can certainly identify with some traits. I’m very independent and if someone wanted to spend all their time with me, I would find that difficult.

It’s understandable you’re feeling how you are, particularly if your daughter has left, but I do think you should focus on making outside connections like you said. Think of the things you’ve always wanted to do, but couldn’t and go and do them.

Yes, it's totally normal to desire and seek supportive friendships.

I have three close female friends (all seperate relationships - not a group friendship) who all support me in different ways and are like sisters to me - I love them. I genuinely think I would not be here now without them, given some of the things they have supported me through.

I made them all in adulthood, in different workplaces.

We text most days, and I would tell all of them anything. And the support is definitely mutual.

I know some adults are fine without close friendships - but I would struggle to function, personally.

However none of this means that it's oK for your partner to avoid the "emotional support" aspect of a committed relationship. In my opinion. It may just be me, but I would in fact find it impossible to maintain attraction, long term, for someone who was unable to offer me this, in moments of crisis.

So you care for them up to the point it might inconvenience you emotionally? That’s not really caring is it, that’s actually using people.

I notice that you don’t get on with your parents and have nothing in common with your sibling. This is quite a big clue. Seems that your earliest experience of ‘groups’ and ‘relationships’ was difficult, disappointing - not meeting your needs etc. What was the family dynamic like growing up - was there conflict? Avoidance? Volatility? Moods? Silence? Simmering anger? Ignoring?

Possibly your ‘world view’ on relationships is one of suspicion (based on your FOO) so you see ‘girl groups’ as a threat? But everyone in that group is an individual but you are casting them as a group (were you the scapegoat in your family). I have no doubt that there can be mean girl groups but mostly not - just individuals seeking fun, comfort, connection etc.

I expect the only experience you have of unconditional love is that with your DD and your BF played a lesser role for you emotionally. She has now grown so seems you have moved the goal posts for him?

If you do have FOO issues - look to explore these by reading therapy etc - as this imprint will keep holding you back by being suspicious of others - yet craving connection. You are starving yourself emotionally because of fear. But if you looked to communicate and build acquaintances in your life then some of these will develop into satisfying and sustainable friendships - walk before you can run - give people a chance. Lots of women are open to new acquaintances - especially as life moves on.

I agree with all of this.

(I know you've answered about work, and your parents).

I particularly agree with the last paragraph.
I don't understand how you have got to at least your late 30s without having friends you can chat to, or spend time with.
Your partner is right - you need to get out and about - hobbies, volunteering, or re-connecting with people you say you are 'friendly with' by inviting them to meet up occasionally - even a coffee as a starting point.

This is very insightful. It hasn't been long since I figured this out so still exploring it.

I had a volatile relationship with my family and always felt like the black sheep. I was the "fuck up" if you like. So yeah withdrawl started for me early in childhood and has very much impacted how I view things. The people who were supposed to unconditionally be there were the ones I felt were most against me.

I dont hate other women as some on her have suggested but yes my experiences of groups hasn't been good. Im just not sure how to open up and stop the withdrawal cycle.

The reason I ask the question I do is because for me the closest bond you should have is with a partner. It doesnt feel right to have that with a friend however I appreciate there are things he might not be able to offer me in our relationship and thats ok because he offers so many other things. Things i wasnt aware i wanted or needed. So is it acceptable to fulfill that missing piece with a friend? It almost feels wrong to me.

He has flaws but I know he deeply loves me. He just doesnt show it in the way I might like. This is more about me finding what makes me good without him. So that he compliments my life and is not the centre of it.

I’m confused about why you wonder whether it would be wrong to have friends…? Why would that be wrong?

see, she is confused....what is a relationship, what is friendship and how to have both of these in good form....may be tell her more of what you know, so she knows and learn

ok, here it goes, a part of my story
a boarding school, a forceful father who was emotionally distant , a totally subjugated mother who was not allowed even to think for herself
my idea of relationship was Gone with the wind - don't laugh - from total isolation in boarding school where you don't see real world, real shops, real relationships nor how your parents live, you go into books and you cling to dear life to your friends - so I built up an idol for the friends in my life - this continued until I went to uni and my friends married and left my town and I was feeling betrayed, suddenly I had 0 support, my weird parents, my friends gone and now I discovered I could not make any new friends and the lovely young men who liked me were too shy for me because I was looking like Scarlett

so I neglected the attention of quite few nice young men and migrated. Met a man here who is gentle and caring enough and he became my all, my support, my best friend etc

to this day however I still wonder why I never made more friends to the intensity of what I had from boarding school and secondary. I also was made to be the black sheep of the parental family.

so you are not totally alone in your life experience, my only question is why your boyfriend is not a husband. This for me would be a deal breaker

to your point: what is a support system? Is it the person/s who will care for us when we are ill, is it the next of kin, is it someone who chats with us about anything and everything without a mask, is it someone to drink and eat with, to holiday with, to spend good and great time....these things can be shared with a partner and with friends and you can arrange your own pluralism how you see this. Sometimes life just gives us people who do things for us....obviously we should appreciate and give back at least Thank you, a card , keeping in contact if we have this blessed people given to us

From my boarding school to my work here and there in Europe, to my life with my English husband, I never made the friends I had from school, but when I needed someone with specific help, skill, etc. - the people just appeared, did their thing for me and life continued. How about this? Do you lack specific support for which you can pay or apply through an organisation or you literally just want to be loved, surrounded by people who love you for who you are, ware warm, create good non judgemental space, are available, etc....you write down all that you need and see where you can procure it from. Good wishes

this happened to me

But so what if he ‘loves you deeply’? The relationship isn’t working for you. Love isn’t enough by itself, despite what the songs say. I’ve certainly walked away from relationships where I loved them and/or they loved me, but it just didn’t work, or we wanted different things, or geographical distance made things too difficult