Is it wrong to seek connection outside your relationship

[Patient2026]

First time poster and a little all over the shop so be gentle with me.

My daughter has moved to uni and my boyfriend is a dismissive avoidant and is currently pulling back so I feel very alone. Is it wrong to see connections outside my relationship. I dont have anyone asking how I am very much. Where would I even go to find connections. Feeling a little lost right now. Any guidance would be appreciated.

The internet has got a lot to answer for. I hope you find some friends and get the emotional connections you're looking for, and in the process get a different perspective, and bin this waste of space.

Call it what you want, pulls back and self soothes? Do me a favour. Get a better one, if you must have one at all.

In answer to your question, it is not only ok it is imperative to have social connections outside your relationship.

If you're lonely now your daughters left, it would be reasonable for your boyfriend to acknowledge that and be kind. I don't think he should "fill the gap" for you. Your confidence should be independent of him.

If he's just completely ignoring you/ghosted you of course you should dump him.

But if he just doesn't want to step in to validate your feelings all the time I can see his point?

When I was younger I had (ex) friends or dates who accused me of "coldness/avoidance" as I just didn't want to listen to their anxiety episodes or vents constantly.

I care for people but if someone just wants to trauma dump or emote at me to calm themselves down its not really a functional relationship. Nothing to do with trauma!

Adults should be comfortable being home alone, it may be a change but you will get used to it after a year or so.

Practically you could both plan some dates out or arrange a holiday so you have something to look forward to.

I don't think he should be available on the phone every night because you don't like being alone with no-one to talk to.

I'd expect boyfriend to help me with "big" life things like a move, be reliable, meet up for a cup of tea and a general chat (not just sex) and have a "reasonable" amount of messages and communication and pre-arranged meetups and dates.

I wouldn't really expect someone to be constantly messaging me or listening to me vent for hours just because I felt lonely alone at home. There are men like this but they might not be that emotionally healthy themselves!

For connection, a tip I'd have is to do less not more. You don't always need to go out and have complicated expensive hobbies or meet "fun" new people. Especially if you're not that extroverted. Take things slow.

Simple things like home exercise or decluttering (you may want to rearrange/clear out the home now that daughter has left) or trying new recipes.

For going out, you could just go out solo for a walk around the city in the day... stop in a few charity shops or free museums, get yourself lunch or a coffee and read a book.

Feeling secure in this context surely comes from being able to trust that they are there for you when you need them and that they care.

This one sounds like he cannot put you first.
I think its good to have connection and friendship outside of the relationship anyway, but even more so if your partner can't bring himself to ask how you are, or cope with your emotions.

How long have you been together?

@ZenZazie nailed it there! Changing yourself to better cope with someone else's issues isn't the answer... (unless you are labelling him as 'avoidant' as a cover up because you are unreasonably needy and insecure!)

What does he do thaisyou feel is avoidant? Ask for a little bit of space / to go out without you occasionally or ghost you for days at a time or use to excuse shagging other people?

What emotional role did your DD fulfil for you? Did she meet your needs - did you parentify her?

Why do you not have any friends? Are you dismissive avoidant?

Are you now looking for your BF to fill a gap he didn’t need to before? That’s different from seeking some acknowledgment from him that you miss your DD.

He seems to struggle with my emotions so I dont tend to share them too often unless I need to. He self soothes so in his mind he doesnt understand and probably doesnt like feeling like I need reassurance. To a certain extent I agree with him. I shouldn't rely on him to help regulate my emotions.

He does ask how I am etc.

We have been together 2 years.

I am definitely not unreasonably needy.

I have respected his independence very well for the most part. Im looking for commitment though. We have discussed moving in etc and half his stuff is at my place but he seems to go through periods of living with me then pulls back and goes back to his house where I will see him once a week and at weekends. Its just a lot of push and pull.

You know I probably did. I have my DD when I was late teens so we grew up together. Now she has a life and I think I might have kept my friends at arms length.

I work full time in an office. I have friends but none I would feel comfortable just calling up one night for a conversation. They all have busy life's and young children etc

Do you work OP? If not and you don't have a friendship group then as well as missing your daughter you are probably lacking human interaction generally.
You say your bf is pulling back, does he live with you and if not how often do you see him? He's suggested you need a hobby but the activities you've chosen are solitary so you need to choose something that gives you a chance to build new connections.
Of course it's OK to meet your emotional needs this way and it can be as simple as getting involved in different activities that stimulate you and interest you too. Also make an effort to meet up with any of the friends you do have more frequently if you can.

No it's absolutely not wrong to seek friends and I strongly advise you to do so! (It does take time though). Are there any acquaintances or colleagues you get on well with, that you could invite out for a drink or two see a film, say? It's harder to build friendships in adulthood but definitely important I think!

It's not wrong to miss your daughter, and the emotional support she offers you. She's a young adult, of course the relationship will be two-way to some extent.

Your boyfriend doesn't sound "perfect" from how you describe him. Nobody is perfect. And the things you say about him (sorry to be brutal) don't portray him as being anywhere close.

Someone who "struggles with your emotions" sounds so far from perfect that I don't know quite how to describe it! The anti-perfect?

How dare he? I am really quite enraged on your behalf.

By expecting a romantic and sexual partner to listen to you, and give you comfort, you are NOT expecting them to "help regulate your emotions". You are asking them to be humane, and to be your friend!

Perhaps I am responding emotionally (!) because I had a partner just like this, who made me feel shit for having emotions and expressing them. That relationship was terrible, and trashed my self esteem for a while - I am only just rebuilding it, several years and a whole other failed relationship later.

Fuck that! What's the point in a partner who can't listen to your emotions, feel sad when you are sad, excited when you are excited etc etc?

The guy I am seeing now (an ex with whom I have rekindled - seems way better second time around!) , it's not even that serious yet, no cohabitation, no "I love yous" etc etc, yet we absolutely talk regularly about our feelings, and if one of us is sad about something the other will listen and give comfort. And we share positive emotions too - the whole range. When my dad passed recently he was an absolute diamond - checking in regularly when we weren't together, spending lots of time listening to my meandering talks about my feelings - he even cried a couple of times out of pure sympathy!

There is no value, to me, in any kind of close relationship if it doesn't function at an emotional level.

Yes.

What is he doing to address it? Other than telling you to like it or lump it and making it your issue?

Hmmm he doesn't sound like an ideal partner, does he? I think you need lots of other people in your life - family, friends and activities and hobbies that you enjoy. If he needs his independence so much, let him have it! You deserve better than this OP. A loving partner in life who you can share with and isn't running from being close to you!

Hello @Patient2026
Sorry if this has been covered already, but was wondering where your friends are that you presumably made over your lifetime? Did you just drift apart, with life, work, relationships? I would suggest to seek a community (online or in person) where you can be part of something that interests you, a hobby, a common interest... Gardening, sports, games, whatever you may enjoy as a hobby. There is a group for almost everything nowadays. I think it could be a good starting point.

I would also take a moment and reflect on your partner.. I think you are rationalising poor behaviour, saying he's otherwise perfect, and subscribing yourself to just not getting "everything" in a relationship. You are right in one aspect - nobody is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. But the things we should be ok with are not the ones where our emotional needs need to take a backseat. That is a big one, I am afraid. My wife and I have been together since university years, I am turning 40 soon, and we have two kids together. We are very much still in love, we cherish time together, we laugh, are intimate often, so, in short, we are very happy with how things are... Let me give you an example she puts up with: Come every spring, I fill a lot of space indoors with small pots of seedings that I will plant outside once the weather is warmer. It is an eyeroll thing for her, but does not leave her leave her emotionally in need... I am sorry, but you have an emotional need is to be close to him, his is to not be close to you, and the solution is always the same: his way. This is not a partnership, not a healthy one at least. If he doesn't value your relationship and you enough to make an effort, I am not sure what keeps you there...

Attachment styles is not a hard science. It's a theory, so don't take it as absolute truth.

I'm curious why you used the word 'connections' rather than 'friendship'. It's an odd way of talking. Very corporate, like something I'd read in an advertisement or on LinkedIn. Be honest - are you sure you're not hoping that one of these 'connections' will lead to something more?

I dont speak to any school friends, we just drifted apart i guess. Uni i was a single mum trying to do my best so nothing there apart from one who has a massive friend group from her school days so shes always busy. That leaves work friends. I have a few i would consider close but we maybe meet up once a month or so.

I dont enjoy the company of my parents (very supportive in ways but we are very different). My sibling isnt close at all.

Im craving connection. But dont know how to go about getting it. Im so broken....

Aren't you just incompatible in that you want to move in and blend lives and homes and he doesn't?

You can't change this so you have to accept this or break up and slowly try to meet someone new.

When you say he "moves in then pulls back" I assume you mean he stays with you and then leaves (normal for couples who don't live together). And he hosts too.

If he's been promising to move in, or starting discussions about moving in, or lying that he's going to do this, then that's not on.

However, it sounds like its you who is pushing for all these discussions and then getting resentful that you're not getting your way.

Many couples (especially if older or one has children) don't live together. Seeing each other at weekends and keeping their own space would be perfect for many women in your situation.

If you moved in together he'd be losing his home and joining your "unit" of you and your daughter.

Unless you both have unlimited resources and £££ he'd be putting himself (and you) in a vulnerable situation. Often couples who do this end up in a total mess if they break up. He's protecting both of you.

I'm not sure why you need to analyse him and call him avoidant or blame it on trauma when he sounds quite sensible and normal.

Suggesting you build your life up so you feel more independent and confident living solo is a good idea.

The older men who want to blend lives asap often are brokies or desperate or not housetrained or have an ulterior motive (especially if you have a child).

Guys who are super-emotional and intense and want you to confide in them are often wannabe cocklodgers.

He's not perfect for you, quite the opposite.

You are not compatible. It's only been two years, why do you want to continue in this unsatisfactory relationship?

Can you define connection, or what your understanding of it is...?

Im not sure what made me use that word specifically but I feel like I have friendships and they all seem superficial.

Women seem to have girl groups that satisfy a need. I dont seem to gel with that because there always seem to be some kind of bitchy issue. But im missing something.

Well, if you think women hunt in packs and are bitchy, I’m not surprised you don’t have female friends. You’re a woman. Other women aren’t cut from some different cloth to you, you know. They’re just people.

My meaning for it is someone how cares about my well being, checks in regularly, shares themselves with me. A platonic relationship where I feel I can share, be heard and feel supported and do the same in return. I guess being vulnerable with someone.

This is a fair point. My experience of girl groups is high tension and a lot of fall outs. Maybe my impression is outdated (from childhood).

@TwistedWonder I echo all you say. Im
old too and sick to death of every excuse for poor behaviour. I disagree with the ‘stiff upper lip’ but equally it has a certain resilience.

OP go get some friends/interests. When you look after you, he might reflect on that dismissive behaviour that you’ve not paid any attention to because you’re having a ball with your new life!

Good luck!