Is it wrong to seek connection outside your relationship

[Patient2026]

First time poster and a little all over the shop so be gentle with me.

My daughter has moved to uni and my boyfriend is a dismissive avoidant and is currently pulling back so I feel very alone. Is it wrong to see connections outside my relationship. I dont have anyone asking how I am very much. Where would I even go to find connections. Feeling a little lost right now. Any guidance would be appreciated.

You want a very close friend, that doesn’t happen overnight and if anyone wanted to be very close to me very quickly I would run a mile because it reeks of dependency. You used your DD to fill the void that your partner can never fill because regardless of the fancy terms bandied around these days he is actually just a bit shit.

Ditch the psychology textbook, OP, and stop trying to diagnose people. And of course it's good to make some friends - even in the strongest of relationships, none of us should rely on our partner to fulfil all our social needs. We need time - and people - that are completely separate.

I understand now.. Thank you for explaining. One thing I would say is, what you are after, there is no recipe for. And you need to be extra careful not to overwhelm any potential friend who would come your way before the time is right.. I am not saying that you would, just pointing it out that when you are craving such a thing so much, it's easy to accidentally push it a bit faster before that level of bond is steady with someone..does that make sense?

Self soothes??

Fuck me.

He is just your bog standard selfish dick love.

Ditch the psychobabble and the boyfriend. He’s not really into you.

I cannot not comment...mature adult woman having a boyfriend who even does not fulfill the role...why? Ditch him, do some mature dating and get married or better single.

Connection...why does it have to be sexual? Can you connect with like minded people and have a good laugh

You think i sound like too much.... im not expecting this over night. I know this is not an over night solution. But is that kind of connection one that us usually satisfied within a relationship or is it usual to be satisfied with "girlfriends".

Absolutely not sexual!!!!!!

ok, then, why not making new friends

I think I understand what you’re saying OP….you want a close friend you can share the ups and downs with and be honest with?

These things do take time to build but you can definitely put yourself in a better position for this than you currently are. As others have said, clubs and hobby groups might be your best option. Don’t go in with your ‘I need to find my person’ spectacles on, just go to enjoy the hobby and meet new people.

People generally warm to those who are friendly, don’t take themselves too seriously, are genuinely interested in others and show warmth and empathy but don’t demand or share too much too soon.

I’m sure you will soon start to form friendships if you take this approach. This must be a tricky time for you at this start of a new stage of life so maybe use it as a time to evaluate what you really want from life. Is a partner who doesn’t know how to/isn’t inclined to support you emotionally really what you want?

No no, these are normal feelings, not too much - I just pointed out that in your situation it would be easy to misjudge if a new friendly relationship is ready for such depths..
I honestly think though, that being close to someone, opening up, being yourself is something that you wouldn't have that strong of a craving for if you were with a partner who is not distancing himself from you..

Well, yes — if that’s a childhood impression, and you’re now old enough to have a YA child at university, absolutely it’s outdated! But as several pps have said, you’re looking for a lot from a friendship because you’re using it to compensate for the lack of a loving, attuned partner, and (a) that’s not going to happen quickly, even in a best case scenario and (2) not everyone, no matter how much they like you, is going to want to make up for your partner’s lack.

I think that is my dilemma. Am I missing that "friend support system" or is my relationship not fulfilling enough.

How do I know the answer to that.

I don’t think PP was saying you are too much at all. You sound lovely, but just a bit unsure about how to go about this next step.

I’d say this connnection is found in both relationships and friendships. My DH is kind and considerate of my emotional state (I’m menopausal so he’s had a lot of mopping up of tears and listening to my worries and upsets to do recently!) but I also have sister I’m very close to and other friends I talk to about things. DH will listen to anything I want to share and responds with compassion but sometimes I want to talk to another woman going through the same thing so I talk to DSis and we compare notes and sympathise with each other. I think I would feel very lonely though if I was in a relationship where I couldn’t share these things and be listened to and treated with kindness and understanding. No amount of talking to DSis or my friends would make me feel better about that. It’s part of being in a partnership with someone isn’t it?

It’s pretty clear from this thread that you’re in an unfulfilling relationship, and looking for a close friendship to try to compensate for that. Everything you say you want in this imagined friend is what you say your partner doesn’t do — check in with you, ask how you are, be vulnerable around you, where you can be heard and supported. You’ve invented this more acceptable ‘aw shucks’ version of your boyfriend which excuses him for being uncommitted, lazy, and uninterested in you by blaming it on childhood trauma, but you know what? Lots of us have childhood trauma. I had an appalling upbringing. Lots of us did. We don’t expect a free pass in our intimate relationships because of it. I’m an adult. I don’t get to withdraw and go and live somewhere else from DH and DS because I need to self-soothe. I see my therapist, I figure out my triggers, and I deal with them. I show up for myself and for my family, and my friends. Because it’s certainly no one else’s responsibility to deal with if I have attachment issues.

Unlimited i know this is his issue. He should be seeking support..

I guess im looking to see if me seeking this kind of support outside the relationship is normal and healthy......

Exactly a life of forever being breadcrumbed because you’ll put up with it.

You won’t be fine and seeing true couples and partnerships will be so so painful for you. Life is too short to be short changed in relationships -the man you describe is not able to have a relationship.

This thread is asking all the wrong questions.

He’s not that into you. You’re miserable.

What on earth are you asking about friendships for? You should just be packing his little bag for him and moving on. The right person will never, ever lead you to be googling these bullshit terms for an explanation of their behaviour.

Where on earth have you learned this from??

No, it’s not. No one should be desperately seeking a friendship to compensate for the lack of attention, commitment and emotional closeness of their partner.

My question is why you’re so desperate to cling to this relationship that clearly isn’t working for you, why you keep making excuses for a man who’s simply not that into you, and why you think it’s a better idea to run out and try to make a compensatory friendship to enable you to continue you as you are.

The fact of the matter is that you would not be so desperately craving connection outside your relationship if you had that need met within your relationship. So in short, and simple terms: it IS a relationship issue. You just need to make the right choice here. And don't confuse it with an 'easy' choice. Right is not always easy. But it is clear to everyone here that you would be better off with someone who doesn't push you away when you have a clear and defined need for being close to someone. It is the worst kind of match - He is repulsed and freaked out by closeness, you crave it. Does that sound functional?

I'm not entirely sure the BF has really done anything wrong here. I would absolutely hate it if my DH looked solely to me for his emotional connections.

It sounds to me like the OP hasn't invested in friendships and used her DD as her emotional crutch. DD has now gone of to uni and the OP has tried to transfer that dependency onto her BF.

The BF has, quite rightly I think, suggested she seek friendships through hobbies. But the OP doesn't appear to value other women and doesn't want to pursue friendships with them.

No, maybe not (though I don't think keeping 'half his stuff' at the OP's house and discussing moving in together and then withdrawing entirely periodically back to his own house and only seeing her once a week sounds that healthy, either.)

But yes, you're right about being someone's sole emotional connection being a bad thing, and it not being at all unreasonable to encourage a partner who is too dependent on you to branch out socially.

That is true, we don't have to vilify OP's partner. It is also realistic to not put ALL your emotional needs onto one single person. But let's be real - the significant chunk of it should be with your partner, in most cases. Now, having said that, the boyfriend is not a bad guy for being unable to provide such a connection, that is fine, but someone like that should have a partner who does not need it, either. Nobody needs to be a "bad person" for the relationship to not work... Just because there is no ill will, doesn't mean the relationship needs to work.

I think it sounds like he’d be a lot more in to her if she was a lot less available. And he’d like and respect her the most if she dropped kicked his pathetic personality into a bin.

OP, People like him have some combination of hating themselves and hating everyone. Therefore the extent to which you like him/anyone in his presence is the extent to which he feels confident in despising you. If you demonstrated absolute contempt for his fear of feeling any emotions he would be most interested. That’s how people like that ruin everything that they touch, they like you best when you are unavailable and elsewhere.

These are things I'd be expecting from a partner. Please start expecting more for yourself - you're deserving of a relationship with a proper connection.

Hear hear !