Lifelong romance and huge mistake. How do I stop thinking about this?

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Despite being in different relationships, I have had one person I've loved all my life, off and on (now mid 40s), but not always been with. Someone so important to me, but it didn't turn out how it should've. It is really bothering me, and I wonder if anyone can help, or just have useful thoughts.

I met A when I was a teenager, we were both shy and quiet. We became best friends and spent all our time very close, we loved each other but were very pure types. When it came time for me to leave town for university he told me he loved me, but I was so frozen into inaction, I loved him too deeply. We went our separate ways and each had our first partners, who lasted for years.

At age 23 we were both single and bumped into each other at a party in our home town, where he lived and I was back for the weekend. We had a lovely evening and at the end of it he told me he had always loved me, and I said the same back, but I couldn't open up enough to follow it through. We went our separate ways and had long marriages and children with other people. I moved back home and our partners became friendly with each other and we saw each other around, it was normal on the surface.

After my divorce I saw him again, he was just in marriage breakup. He told me he still loved me and to my shame we started a love affair, for a year and a half, he lived in his own place, had a schedule with the kids. I call it a love affair because we never tipped it over into a real thing. He said it was too much of a big deal and he couldn't handle it. Off he went. I started seeing someone, and so on. We fell out over it, I suppose.

However it broke my heart. I think about him every day. Not just as a lover but as my favourite person and best friend. I feel ashamed and unhappy and can't shake it off. We don't speak to each other now, and I don't know if his ex (a very nice lady in my social orbit, who I see with a new man) knows, or not. She is friendly with me when she sees me. I don't know if he tried to go back, or what he is doing. There is a silence between us that I find very hard.

What can I do? It is just that there is such a lot of history and I miss him. The time I did text him, he said he couldn't handle his feelings. He is a hider of a man, has very few friends, is a bit of a recluse.

Does anyone have any advice apart from that I'm silly. He is one of my favourite friends and the rift and destruction is making me feel so very bad. Thanks for reading.

This is based on a fantasy.
I hate to say it but he’s just not that into you.
If he was he would have stuck around.
He's not perfect for you - you have built a comforting fantasy that helps you not have to face the actual reality of your day to day life.

Your future self will thank you for moving on and keeping it as a fond memory of growing up.
Life has more exciting things lined up for you.

Others have given you a lot of input, all I would add is that men who do this nonsensical dance of "oh my feeling are too big, I can't control them" , is the exact same types who say "it is not you, it is me". Utter nonsense. They are either lying to you, or lying to themselves, it doesn't matter. That mindset is straight out of the movies, children, little boys would say something like that, not grown men. There is no point wasting energy and thought on someone so immature, who is unable to say things how they truly are, or equally, so immature who truly can't deal with emotions? Please. Neither works. If we entertain the possibility that he is truly just oh so overwhelmed by these big big feelings - if he, as a grown man wanted something real with you, he would've dealt with said emotions. So either way, you have no business losing sleep over him.
Not to mention that since you two never had something real, sharing everyday life, mortage, kids, medical/financial ups and downs, family emergencies, only the idea of each other, it is nothing more than an imaginary (boy)friend situation. The best you can do for yourself is letting go of the romanticised version of this person who is too immature, or simply a liar, heck, maybe both, even.

He was out there enough to get married and have kids. So we're you

You've romanticized a teen crush and an affair into more than it was.

You chose not to pursue this relationship at times and so did he, so it wasn't really all that or you guys would have followed up

Actually I too had a relationship with someone like this. Really he was a commitment phobe but I was obsessed with him and thought he could change. He did throw me crumbs sometimes future faking things. Now I look back and wonder what I ever saw in him.

Hmm I haven’t read the other comments
I’m reading this and responding to the first post.

somehow the universe kept bringing you together and for some reason or another it didn’t work out.
I think you need some closure
and I also think you need to understand what this person actually brings to your life.. what value.

love isn’t enough. There’s a plethora of reasons you be with someone and love really isn’t enough.

I really hope you find some peace. I went through a similar (ish) thing except the guy I knew for 15+ years was cheating on his long term gf (now wife) throughout… bleugh.

OP there’s a LOT of wisdom on those telling you the raw truth - and part of this is that you did get together for sex (so not a complete fantasy) but didn’t morph into anything else.
Because, probably if you are honest, that’s as much as it would be for both of you.
Either sex or friendship with potential sex in the background.
I think if you’d met him for the first time after you were married (and unlike a lot of (very understandable) MN posters would hate to hear and disagree with, it’s more likely you’d have recognised something a bit more genuine about your feelings (whether you then acted or not) because you’d not have had the teenage/early twenties emotions that are notoriously “bigger” than say those of a woman approaching menopause meeting a man (where the rose-tinted spectacles are long put aside).
Can you ask your therapist for ideas on how to deal with the ruminations?

Your 18 months together should have told you that he is not the right one for you, it would have worked out otherwise. Forget the fantasy,it is holding you back.

Yes, you’re right.

Been there done that with the best male friend where we were never single at the same time but kind of pined for each other through our 20s. He then had a marriage break up, and we did get together. It was crap, we just didn’t work, he was actually a terrible deceitful boyfriend and it left me feeling really depressed because not only did the relationship end, it ended in such a way that I could no longer be friends with him either.

Best thing I did was put physical distance between us, he was a work colleague so I changed jobs. Threw myself into new things. Met DH a couple of years later.
I still cross paths with ex rarely through work, it’s fine, no pining from either of us.

The idea of the big romance was actually much more appealing than the reality which was an utter shit headfuck.
This man is not for you and you don’t need his friendship either.

Sounds like a wonderful book Op.

Take an excercise book and write it off your chest is my opinion....

He is incapable of being with anyone.

If he wanted you he would have you.

Move on.

Men aren’t that complicated. If he wanted to be with you, you’d know about it. He would be there, calling you, arranging dates, being present - but he’s not. He has managed to have other relationships, even a marriage, but not to you - and that’s because he didn’t want to.

He’s not the one that got away. He’s the one that liked all the attention from you and enjoyed hoovering you back in every now and again as his rebound girl, but he sees you as breakfast not dinner.

I don't understand what having a love affair, but never tipped into the real thing means.

So you had sex and there was no commitment after?

Read your OP back and look at the language you have used. For us on the outside reading in between the word salad it says:

We were friends as teens but we moved on. We got together again, but again it didn't work out. Neither of us could commit. We have no relationship now and don't speak due to an argument. I can't handle the rejection and I obsess over him every single day.

Does this seems right OP?

Only you can look out for you. Your marriage didn't work out, so now he is back in your focus, like pp mentioned, most likely your are hyperfocused.

You need to distract yourself from this. Find something else to hyperfocus on. Maybe a new hobby, some crafts, running, anything but him.

A long, long, time ago, I had to get over someone who was a friend and I read Paul McKenna’s I Can Mend Your Broken Heart (I can still remember the look of compassion on the bookseller’s face when I bought it!). Anyway, I’m convinced that book worked… (and I’m still friends with said person!). I’ve just looked on Amazon and there’s a second-hand copy for 90p - worth an investment, surely? Sending hugs xxx

I had similar feelings for a man I knew from childhood, but luckily managed to overcome them much earlier.

I think it stemmed from me romanticising him in my teens, and you rarely experience that intensity of feeling in later life (when you acquire logic & rationality!) He actually went on to have numerous intense affairs with married women - it was clearly a dynamic he was addicted to.

I suspect the man you have feelings for also enjoys the intensity & adoration - but if he wanted to, he would be making a relationship happen.

I think you are living in cloud cuckoo land a bit.

It sounds like you don’t want to actually be in a relationship with him, but want to go back to the pre-sex phase when sex with him was on the horizon.

You say things like frozen/couldn’t open up/ never tipped into something real. Let me offer a rephrase of all that “Communication was very poor.”. The nice part of crap communication is that creates a space for us to maintain a fantasy. You are romanticizing something which will ruin every relationship you have.

you had your attempt at a relationship and it didn’t work out. He was always your safety net guy, and now you know that his feet are as much clay as everyone else’s (including your own).

You need to commit to your own life, without him.

Sounds like he’s keeping his distance to avoid this mixed up ‘relationship’.
Perhaps the fantasy of him is better than actually being with him, and it sounds like you want to have him back at the pre sex part of your relationship, when it was all exciting.

Why can't you tell any of your friends?

Agree with everything people are saying about it being a fantasy and none of it is remotely romantic. You didn’t want him when he was available for the vast majority of the time which is not how it is when you’re really into someone. Even during the ‘affair” phase it’s not some love story where you realised you were made for each other. Quite the opposite. I’d stop using the word romantic and recategorise it entirely. He’s not even your best friend as he’s not even talking to you and friends don’t act that way. He’s got issues and you’ve known each other a long time but had an affair and it went south. That’s the long and short of it. Beyond that, he’s not and never was the guy for you so thank your lucky stars he’s so blatantly failed as a friend never mind more and focus on people you’re genuinely and healthily attracted to. Also talk about it irl as the secrecy is no doubt feeding the sensation and by talking about it you’ll realise it’s not romantic and would never work, as it hasn’t.

Op you need to draw a line under it and move on. Easier said that done but that is it a nutshell!

It is a fantasy in your head. In reality it sounds like neither of you are that keen on each other otherwise you would be together. You have had enough opportunities.