Depressed partner - do I stay?

[findingmysparkle]

Name changed for this - DP (M37) and I (F33) have been together for 4 years. The first 2.5 years were great, we had a lot in common and spent our free time doing things we both enjoyed, holidays, hikes meals out etc and had a very healthy sex drive.
Now the past 18 months things have gradually declined but the past 6 months rapidly so. He’s withdrawn, cold towards me at times, his sex drive has massively dropped, he starts arguments over the smallest of things and shouts at me as soon as he has to try and communicate. It’s impacted my confidence and self esteem a lot, because to me all I could see was he didn’t like me, fancy me or make me a priority anymore. Now the past 8 weeks of so he has started therapy through his work health plan (only attended 2 sessions so far) and also come to the realisation he is likely depressed.
I’ve also started therapy again due to the effect it’s had on my self esteem/confidence.
Now here’s where I’m struggling, I wouldn’t ever leave someone because they are depressed or going through a hard time. But I feel like I’m am having to sacrifice my happiness to “accept” the way I am being treated because he is depressed. My therapist is working with me to build my own self back up, but I don’t know how to support him anymore without being hurt more and I’m hoping to get some advice re if anyone has any please 🙏

He's choosing to treat you badly, behind closed doors. This is not in you or your child's best interests, and not what a relationship is for.
You don't need to have a conversation with the man, or explain anything. You could dump him by text, say you're not enjoying dating him, all the best, do not contact me again in any way.
Plan things you love doing, show your daughter zero tolerance for poor male behaviour.

OP, I’m late to the thread but just wanted to reinforce the chorus, as I know it’s sometimes useful to hear the same thing in different ways.

As you have said, depression is not an excuse or explanation. It takes a certain kind of character to be capable of abusive behaviour, and that character is never safe to be with. If it’s not depression it might be substance abuse. If it’s not substance abuse, it’s childhood trauma. I’d it’s not childhood trauma it’s ’trust issues due to a past relationship’… Abusive characters always have a reason that they are the victim and not responsible for their behaviour. They also all have a narrative for why it will be different next time. In your case, it’s the hope that they will recover from depression. They also ALL have created a memory of ‘better times’ that keep their victim waiting desperately hoping for a ‘return’. Most of them offer ‘moments of sunlight’ amid the abuse, to make sure your memory of the good times stays fresh…..And they ALL have a devastating impact on their victim’s self esteem, making it hard for that person to leave. I’m not saying it’s calculated, but it is absolutely the formula.

But in the end, you don’t need to understand who he is or know if it’s conscious or not, or make a judgement about him at all. Being in a relationship with him is bad for your wellbeing. You are not enjoying being in a relationship with him. And that has been going on for a long time now. Those are perfect reasons to break up. You don’t actually need any good reason to break up- you have every right to break up if you don’t like the shape of his moustache or you just changed your mind and fancy being single!) You don’t need anybody’s permission. You are a good person and your duty is to you and your DD. My DD was 6 when her dad moved out. She doesn’t remember that time, whereas she has fairly clear memories starting age 7 and 8. The sooner you do this, the better for your DD.

And one last thought. You are asking about building your self esteem before leaving. It is very hard to do it because he will continue to erode it (as he did last night). You will probably never feel stronger with him than you do right now. You will likely feel an instant boost in your esteem, however, when you end things, along with a rush of relief and sense of freedom. My guess is that because you don’t live together and the abuse has not been going on for multiple years, you will not be so far damaged yet that being alone will feel terrifying. That’s what it was like for me. I was in an abusive relationship for 2-4 years, but we never lived together. (In that case it was alcoholism and apparent trauma I had unknowingly caused by doing something nobody else would have recognised as wrong). It felt impossible to leave for a long time, because it felt like betrayal. But when I did I felt unbelievable release of anxiety and it now boggles my mind that I stayed so long accepting awful treatment and crappy excuses.

You can’t wait to feel better about yourself to take action. It’s a bit like waiting to stop eating rancid food until your tummy is less upset.

I really hope you can act now to feel better.

Sending hugs.

My DH has a history of depression. He's been really well and stable for a good 5 years now but occasionally has a down week or two. The first thing that he feels is shame because of the way his depression impacts me and his children. I'm not saying that shame is a constructive emotion - it's not - but fundamentally my DH doesn't want to hurt anyone. Your DP fundamentally doesn't really care if he hurts you and also fundamentally believes you owe him unending care and support no matter how he treats you. It's entitled and abusive.

And bear in mind that children only show their real selves with people to who they are securely attached. The fact that your child bugs them up is not necessarily a good sign. It’s really not good for. Child to grow seeing their mother being treated badly.

@Iwontbetherethanks for sharing your view but I don’t personally find it as easy to just cut someone off that I’ve spent the past 4 years with & have so much love for. Regardless of how I’m being treated it doesn’t take away the feelings I have for him so I need to be more realistic about the fact I am not ready to just cut things dead instantly but rather take all the advice to help myself get there & get myself in the best space possible to be strong enough. I do like your idea of planning things that I love doing so I will defo do that :)

@@financialcareerstuff You’re right it is really useful to hear the same thing in different ways. Thank you for taking the time to reply & share your advice. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through and abusive relationship but I’m happy to hear you found your strength to leave.
thats so interesting what you say about your DD having her memories from around 7/8 and I hadn’t even thought of that, that my DD will probably not even remember up till now that really does make me feel a little better so thank you.
Your points around abusive partners all ring so true but I just can’t believe that people can actually think that way, maybe it’s not always a conscious choice but i guess we’ll never know.
Its a very valid point that i probably won’t be able to build my self esteem while he is still around as he will keep crushing it and maybe it’s not my self esteem I need to build now but to refocus myself to be prioritising myself in the relationship and not him. And gradually pull back to protect myself and emotionally detach before I leave (in the mean time it gives him the break to see if he does work on himself) but I don’t really think I can be around his behaviour much longer! Take care x

@ShawnaMacallister Im sorry to hear your partner struggles with depression too but it’s really helpful to hear your experience. When you say he feels shame is that because while he is unstable he does treat you & DC badly and if so how does this show normally? It’s really good that he can recognise it & he cares, you’re right though that does just show it’s possible and infact my DP just doesn’t care & feels entitled to me staying forgiving and accepting bare minimum.

I am 15 years and 2 kids further down the road from you, and it is very very hard.

When my H is well, things are fine. But he is so often not well that it has ground me down over time, to the point that I am now 4 months off sick with depression myself.

I have heard a lot of emotional blackmail of “so you’re leaving me because i am unwell? What about ‘in sickness and in health’? Would you leave me if I had cancer?” Etc

He is making you unwell; which in turn will impact your child. Please don’t stay out of sympathy. You are not his carer. He either doesn’t realise the burden he is putting on you or he doesn’t care.

Ah OP - it is hard to take that leap to freedom! Does it help to think that you’re modelling relationships to your daughter? You wouldn’t want her to be in this situation later in life so please don’t show her it’s okay now x

caring for someone who does not treat you well is a bit of a red flag for me.

Someone who you describe as crushing your self esteem. I’m not one to immediately jump to suggesting therapy but this might well be worth exploring.

I think it’s sad and unhelpful the amount of posters just saying “walk away” when he’s only just started therapy and only just come to the realisation that he’s depressed and is seeking help for it. I’ve been with my DH 15 years and became very depressed after we’d been together about 4 years. It was due to unresolved trauma from childhood abuse. I was withdrawn, not interested in sex or doing anything fun, I was snappy and cold with him. But I also knew that I was treating him badly and felt guilty and desperately wanted to get better. He was amazing. He didn’t make it all about him (even though of course it was about him, I was making his life miserable and that wasn’t fair), told me he knew it wasn’t ‘me’ and that it was my illness. Also told me that he loved me but he couldn’t put up with it forever and that he was going to help me get help and we’d get through it together. He did this because he knew I was in there somewhere, under all the pain, and he knew that before I got ill we had a wonderful relationship, we loved each other deeply and we were in it together “in sickness and in health” and all that. He helped me find a really good trauma-informed therapist, encouraged me to go to the GP, which I did and got put on medication. He was patient, understanding and supportive but he also let me know, in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t do everything in my power to get better that he would be leaving. Not in an ultimatum kind of way, more in a very honest, supportive “we’re going to do this together, you CAN get better” kind of way. It was down to his support, understanding, positivity, and belief in me that I was able to find the strength to get help. I tried my very best to pull myself out of depression with the help of medication and therapy. And I did. But I honestly don’t think I’d have been able to do it without his support. It meant the world to me and we are and have been very happy for the last 10 years. And I know I will always be there for him, no matter what he’s going through. That is a strong marriage IMO. If you believe he is your forever person and there aren’t wider issues in your relationship and he wants to, and is actively trying to get better, then don’t leave him, support him through it and re-evaluate things once he’s got the help he needs. You don’t leave someone because they get ill. Imagine the outrage on here if someone came on saying they wanted to leave their partner because they had cancer - that they had a very good chance of being cured from with the right kind of treatment, and if they were engaging with that treatment. Mental illness is no different from physical illness yet there is still such a huge stigma against it, which only increases the suffering of people with MH problems. Obviously it’s different if him being an arsehole atm is just who he is and he’s using the depression as an excuse. But you said he wasn’t always like this. I’d support him and give him a chance to get better. If he refuses to engage in getting help and doesn’t care about the effect he’s having on you then that’s a different story and it may be time to end the relationship.

@Theboredpanda , he's not getting help for it.

he hasn’t been to the gp he says he would never take medication for it so there’s no point. He is however doing the counselling but as I said in a PP he’s only been twice in 8 weeks although has now set up fortnightly sessions.

Don’t sacrifice your happiness for his. Leave and build your life without this man and his issues.

@TheboredpandaI appreciate the heartfelt, well meaning intention of your post. But there are several big differences between your story and the OP’s.

1. you were together for four years before the problem developed. That is enough time for your DH to know your true character before your behaviour altered. Whereas two years is classic timing for people’s true tendencies to come out after the honeymoon period. If the OP had had a great relationship for years and years this would suggest different action
2. the OP’s partner isn’t just being occasionally cold, he is ongoing horrible to her, picking arguments at the drop of a hat, and yells at her at any suggestion they even talk about their feelings. Did you do that? No.
3. from your timeline (this developing after four year, you being happy for the last ten years, and being together for fifteen, suggests the whole episode lasted one year, whereas the OP has gone through 18 months already with only the most minimal signs of any turnaround. (Finally accessing therapy and doing only two sessions in eight weeks?)
4. as you say, you did everything in your power to get better and acknowledged everything your DH was doing for you. The OP’s partner has done nothing for two years. It has all been on the OP to tolerate and adjust, which as OP says, he feels entitled to.
5. the OP also has a child to protect from seeing her abused and the risk of that abuse extending to her child.
6. The OP is not married or even living with her partner. She hasn’t said vows about being there forever through better or worse. So why are you implying she should be?

I think it is quite damaging to compare your two situations, though I understand why your life feels like it resonates. The comparison is not fair with cancer either. The OP’s issue is not with the depression of someone who has done everything to get better. Nor would it be with a cancer victim going through treatment. Her issue is with being treated abusively. It doesn’t sound like you were abusive to your husband, so the two cases really have nothing to do with each other.

@findingmysparkle , ... to just cut someone off that I’ve spent the past 4 years with & have so much love for. Regardless of how I’m being treated it doesn’t take away the feelings I have for him

You love the person you think he is not the person who he actually is.
He's it’s just constant pushing and pulling me in and away and it’s absolutely ruined my rational thinking.

If he loved you he wouldn't be pushing and pulling. It seems to me that you are confusing the need to feel loved and wanted by him for your own feelings of love towards him. You won't change him and you're not right for each other.

Just because you've invested 4 years of your life in your relationship does not mean you need to invest a minute more.
Dump him and block him.

I think the being nice to you so you melt is all part of it. If he was shitty all the time, of course you wouldn't stay. The melty bit has to happen for the cycle to work. It doesn't mean you should stay for the melty bits and take all the shit too. Even a little bit of shit in a nice thing makes it non-viable.

Indeed @pinkdelightAnother way to think of it OP, is that unstable people are like a little rickety boat in a storm…. They oscillate wildly from side to side… the sweet, loving is one part of them, desperately clinging to something, but you are just on one side of the swing then…. It will inevitably swing back to the other shitty side, because the central balance and essence is missing. It’s not that the sweet side is the real thing, then these accidents keep happening and are the anomaly… it’s that both sweet and shitty are different sides of the same storm, keeping you rocking from side to side… don’t know if that makes sense.

I think abusers actually can have quite an intoxicating sweet side, because it’s not healthy and balanced- it’s basically love bombing- the density of warmth and connection that is thrown on you can be very intense, especially if/when combined with an acknowledgement of how wonderful you are… how they see all your efforts for them….. it’s a heady cocktail to be pumped with to last you through the shit that will inevitably follow.

What happened is really specific so I can't say. His situation got worse for him before it got better. He moved away and I heard he settled down. He only did anything once he had reached really rock bottom. I rescued him but never heard from him again, a thank you would've been nice. I actually saved his life.

My leaving was motivated by the fact that I wanted children and wasted so many years being with him so no, I didn't regret it, just wished I'd left a lot sooner.

Wasn't anything I did that finally helped my self esteem. Just plodded on until I got there.

You can't stay in a relationship with someone because your six year old thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

You can't.

I am a massive advocate for not living together, for this very reason. Think about it, you didn't move in with him, what a good job that was too, because it makes ending the relationship a whole lot less complicated and much less impactful on your DS.

You don't have to lay down your life for him to walk over because he's depressed. Or for any reason. As you know, your priority is to your DS and what he needs and deserves is a well balanced happy mum with her self esteem intact.

If you stay with your boyfriend for your son, you will be doing them both a disservice, as well as yourself.

Regardless of how I’m being treated it doesn’t take away the feelings I have for him

Kind of like how kids love their parents even when they abuse them?
Or but he is or was nice sometimes?
Please think about your statement op.
What does it mean?
He can do as he likes to you because you "love him"?
is easy to get trapped. Please do not.
How you are treated is fundamental...and you have dc to consider

@financialcareerstuff that’s a really good analogy thank you for explaining that so well, you’re right that is how it feels though & each day or sometimes just certain situations or conversations I never know which side of the boat I’m going to get. It’s very eye opening hearing everyone’s opinions for sure

Im struggling this afternoon - the anxiety and self doubt is high. I’ve not seen DP since Friday and I’ve tried to pull back since making my post. I’m not so engaging in text conversation or so readily available to reply quickly etc. I’m also absolutely adamant I will not be asking to see him. But the realisation of all of this is really hard! Chat gpt has made me a daily check in sheet which I’m finding helpful but wondered if anyone has any book recommendations maybe or something I can do to help while I’m in this really tough stage and everything feels so raw and painful.

thanks for everyone’s kind messages and advice so far I keep coming back to re read it all.

Weird that you reacted to my last post. My ex went on to marry someone called Louise!-I just remembered!

"Because he's depressed..." -if I had a penny for every time I have excused DP's behaviour, approach to life and the general vibe of the life we co-create, I would be minted.

Please save yourself a lifetime of hardship and walk, now.

Most folks who are depressed sort of draw into themselves. They sleep more and can be worryingly quiet at times. Shouting is abusive.