Depressed partner - do I stay?

[findingmysparkle]

Name changed for this - DP (M37) and I (F33) have been together for 4 years. The first 2.5 years were great, we had a lot in common and spent our free time doing things we both enjoyed, holidays, hikes meals out etc and had a very healthy sex drive.
Now the past 18 months things have gradually declined but the past 6 months rapidly so. He’s withdrawn, cold towards me at times, his sex drive has massively dropped, he starts arguments over the smallest of things and shouts at me as soon as he has to try and communicate. It’s impacted my confidence and self esteem a lot, because to me all I could see was he didn’t like me, fancy me or make me a priority anymore. Now the past 8 weeks of so he has started therapy through his work health plan (only attended 2 sessions so far) and also come to the realisation he is likely depressed.
I’ve also started therapy again due to the effect it’s had on my self esteem/confidence.
Now here’s where I’m struggling, I wouldn’t ever leave someone because they are depressed or going through a hard time. But I feel like I’m am having to sacrifice my happiness to “accept” the way I am being treated because he is depressed. My therapist is working with me to build my own self back up, but I don’t know how to support him anymore without being hurt more and I’m hoping to get some advice re if anyone has any please 🙏

You can’t stay in a relationship with someone who mistreats you because you’re nostalgic for the period when he didn’t, and because your child likes him. Thank your stars you don’t live together or have shared children or finances and move on.

The first couple of years are when love chemicals are soaring around and both people are on their best behaviour.

The abusive, shouting man is him.

Abusers do not walk around with abuser written on their forehead. I’m sure even now he can be nice from time to time but that is part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. They are quite plausible to those in the outside world.

They can often but not always show their true nature around 12 months to two years into a relationship. You perhaps minimised or simply not recognised red flags re him beforehand.

taying with an abusive person is not the right thing to do for your little kid. It not only sends all the wrong messages (that loving an abuser is good), it also means that you are putting a lot of energy and time into a shitty relationship, and that means your daughter is not getting the best of you. Children benefit hugely from having happy mothers.

If you look at @DexterMorgansmum's thread, you'll see how she's now realising that staying in a shitty marriage was the WRONG thing to do for her son.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5470817-handhold-pls-finally-accepted-my-marriage-is-over

Depressed or not, he's a bad-tempered swine who makes you feel miserable. Indeed, it has affected your self-esteem so much you are having therapy in order to cope with it.

Being depressed (which is debatable) does not give anyone carte blanche to treat their partners like shit. I can pretty much guarantee that your dc has picked up on the way he treats you. Do you want her to learn from that and grow up believing that this is what relationships are like?

Take your dd away. He will grind you down and you will put him first. Your dd does not need him

Please don't expose your DD to this - she will end up thinking it's normal to be shouted at and treated like shit.

And it's not.

He's destroying your self-esteem and confidence, that is so important, much more important than a fantasy about a family unit that is further off than ever. Your DD worshipping a man that makes you feel like this is not good either. Now's the time to get out and get your confidence/esteem back up without him, not get ground down more and caught in this sunk costs fallacy and guilt spiral. No one should need therapy to deal with the effect of a man at this stage in a relationship. The problem is very clearly him and the solution is clear too - remove the problem from your life and you and your DD will be much better off.

I find this odd. You are adults who have been together for four years, yet you don't live together. For 18 months things have been declining. The last six months have been awful.

The question should be, why on earth have you stayed with him this long? This is a relationship which very obviously isn't going anywhere.

I don't find that odd at all. With a young child in the mix, why should people jump into a decision to live together? And, given where the OP is now, it is patently obvious that it was an excellent idea to not live together. The relationship can end without major upset in routine and trauma for the child.

OP, you and your child are a family unit. Your DD will be upset but she will get over it. Let that not be a reason to stay, if leaving is right for you.

Thank you for understanding. I own my home, he rents.. so to move him in would be absolutely stupid on my behalf given the circumstances. My home and security for my DD is so important and I wouldn’t easily move in with a partner.
I honestly didn’t expect such a strong “leave him” response and thought people would think I was unreasonable for thinking about it while he’s struggling.

Thank you for sharing this thread I’ve not seen it before, I will have a read through tonight once DD is in bed. Thanks for your advice too and I agree I am loosing energy to him

Your priority is to your child.
This person is no relation and not your dd dad.
And even if was dd dad you should still leave and get out of toxic environment

You're not being unreasonable at all.

He may be struggling with depression, but that does not give him an excuse to be horrible to you, it doesn't mean you should have to tolerate his behaviour, and you definitely shouldn't need to have therapy so you can cope with his abuse.

Don't let his problems become your problems.

Thank you for being kind while honest. That really hit something in me. I’ve suffered with depression myself, and never treated anyone badly because of it so I do truly agree it’s not a reason or explanation :( thank you for helping me see that.

You’re totally right. Until seeing people’s comments I hadn’t even realised I was having therapy because of him, I thought it was because my self esteem and confidence was on the floor but you’re so right that it’s because of the relationship that it’s like that. I feel so sad this evening coming to the realisation :( I’m also alone tonight as we were meant to be seeing each other but he decided last minute he was “too tired” so spending it having a movie night at home (10 mins away from me) it’s just constant pushing and pulling me in and away and it’s absolutely ruined my rational thinking.
thank you so much

A tough but important night having that realisation - remember it, if he tries to guilt you into staying together and putting up with more. You are not his priority, he takes you for granted and uses you to take his crap out on while you've been endeavouring to be kind and understanding, and even trying to fix yourself with therapy which he behaviour is necessitating. Leave him to his movie nights indefinitely and enjoy a much brighter future with your and DD's complete family. Anyone else should be a bonus not a detriment and they'd need to stick the course way longer than this guy for you to make significant allowances for them - and no one is worth it if they make you feel bad. Look after yourself.

Well, if the relationship was only 4 years in, I'd probably end it, especially as he's not your child's father, and you don't live together.

Some things to think about....Now that he's realised he's probably depressed, has he sought any treatment from his GP? If he's not doing anything to address his illness, why not? Also, does he treat others, especially family members, with the same coldness? Has he withdrawn from them and unable to communicate unless arguing or shouting? If the answers are 'no' then you know it's a choice he's making to treat you like this OP. As this is such a young relationship I'd personally get out now. Your DD deserves a mother who is happy.

Treating someone badly isn't a symptom of depression, it's a choice. [I know PPs have already said that.] It seems you might be veering towards ending the relationship and I do see why.

I came on to suggest a third option where you don't see each other for a month or two while he works on recovering from his depression with the help of the counselling he is getting. Have short phone calls and maybe have him take your daughter out for an hour or so if she will miss him, but not spend time together. There is nothing you can actually do to cure his depression so spending time together isn't going to help him, it seems to be exacerbating it for him despite you not actually doing anything wrong.

If you think that is a good idea but he is reluctant perhaps ask him how he is going to feel once the depression has passed and he looks back on how he has treated you. Wouldn't he feel terribly guilty, which could of course tip him into depression again. Perhaps emphasise it is just a short time of giving him space to heal.

Once he is well again you'll probably get the old him back. But in the meantime this could be an alternative to suffering his behaviour or ending the relationship.

@SparklyGlitterballsthanks for your advice. So he hasn’t been to the gp he says he would never take medication for it so there’s no point. He is however doing the counselling but as I said in a PP he’s only been twice in 8 weeks although has now set up fortnightly sessions.
No he doesn’t treat anyone else this way, but he doesn’t have any family left apart from distant relatives and no real close friends that he sees regularly. I get your point though and I know realistically he wouldn’t speak to others that way & he would never speak to me in front of anyone else the way he does when it’s behind closed doors.

he hasn’t been to the gp he says he would never take medication for it so there’s no point.

Knew that'd be the case, so common with these guys who 'would never' do things even if it might help stop them being arseholes to people who care for them. But no, they'd rather keep doing it. So with that plus the non-committed counselling shows he isn't that bothered about helping himself so it's not on you. Also hugely significant that he knows not to speak to you that way in front of others, so it's entirely a choice and shows his disgusting lack of respect for you. It's abusive tbh and designed to grind down your self-respect, which is has done, which is why it's hard to draw the line without a whole load of self-doubt. I wouldn't cling onto some idea of getting his old self back - after he's treated you this way, that can't really be an option and will only keep you holding on hoping. I'd take a break and spend that time putting yourself and your DD first. Let him deal with his depression when he doesn't have you as an outlet and a crutch. Then he might see what the point of going to the GP for actual help might be.

Leave leave leave- women always feel so obligated and to think of others. It’s simple the man is making you unhappy, you don’t have to justify going and making your one and only life happy.

NC for this. My ex was exactly like this. We didn't have any dcs. It took me a while to realise that he was depressed. I really loved him. He had personal reasons for his depression. There was a trigger from his past and some of it I don't know the full extent of as he didn't share that with me. We had been together for 10 years. He was referred for therapy but it was too late for me. I couldn't cope with it all any longer. It broke my heart to leave him but I had to for my own sanity and wellbeing.
Only you can know how you feel and how it's affecting your life and dc.
No one should condemn you for leaving. It's his responsibility ultimately to seek help. It really started to impact on me. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. If I had dcs at the time I probably would've left sooner.

@pinkdelightits almost textbook isn’t it, totally predictable. I’m just so frustrated with myself because when I’m reading through all of these or after my counselling I feel like I know it’s all not fair on me anymore and I need to leave but once I see him or he’s nice to me I just melt 😔 it’s so draining. I hadn’t thought about the idea of a break like that, I don’t know what he’ll think about it to be honest and I dread talking to him about it. I’ve pulled right back anyway for now & im not being so available by message etc as I would be normally. I’m going to keep coming back to read all this advice 🤍

@Wishididnthavethetshirt I’m sorry you’ve been through this too it’s really painful. But more credit to you for being strong and putting yourself first by leaving. Can I ask how you managed to make that step was there anything you found helpful to build that self confidence/esteem first? I feel totally wrecked by this. Have you ever regretted leaving? And did your ex ever sort himself out?