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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Depressed partner - do I stay?

83 replies

findingmysparkle · 07/02/2026 10:35

Name changed for this - DP (M37) and I (F33) have been together for 4 years. The first 2.5 years were great, we had a lot in common and spent our free time doing things we both enjoyed, holidays, hikes meals out etc and had a very healthy sex drive.
Now the past 18 months things have gradually declined but the past 6 months rapidly so. He’s withdrawn, cold towards me at times, his sex drive has massively dropped, he starts arguments over the smallest of things and shouts at me as soon as he has to try and communicate. It’s impacted my confidence and self esteem a lot, because to me all I could see was he didn’t like me, fancy me or make me a priority anymore. Now the past 8 weeks of so he has started therapy through his work health plan (only attended 2 sessions so far) and also come to the realisation he is likely depressed.
I’ve also started therapy again due to the effect it’s had on my self esteem/confidence.
Now here’s where I’m struggling, I wouldn’t ever leave someone because they are depressed or going through a hard time. But I feel like I’m am having to sacrifice my happiness to “accept” the way I am being treated because he is depressed. My therapist is working with me to build my own self back up, but I don’t know how to support him anymore without being hurt more and I’m hoping to get some advice re if anyone has any please 🙏

OP posts:
findingmysparkle · 09/02/2026 19:20

@Bonkers1966 he is definitely doing those things too, he very clearly is depressed and I’m glad he’s recognising it finally. BUT the way I’m being treated doesn’t align with only depression, and that’s why I’ve been so unsettled on what to do because if it was just depression that’s one thing but it’s not. And when I call out the mistreatment he goes hard at me and then in the end will either cry or just go super quiet and say something like “I’m such a shit partner, i can’t do anything right” etc etc and then it turns into me comforting him and my feeling not being heard and the way he treats me doesn’t change.

OP posts:
surprisebaby12 · 09/02/2026 19:24

Leave him. Not because of his depression, but because of how he chooses to treat you.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 09/02/2026 22:55

findingmysparkle · 09/02/2026 19:20

@Bonkers1966 he is definitely doing those things too, he very clearly is depressed and I’m glad he’s recognising it finally. BUT the way I’m being treated doesn’t align with only depression, and that’s why I’ve been so unsettled on what to do because if it was just depression that’s one thing but it’s not. And when I call out the mistreatment he goes hard at me and then in the end will either cry or just go super quiet and say something like “I’m such a shit partner, i can’t do anything right” etc etc and then it turns into me comforting him and my feeling not being heard and the way he treats me doesn’t change.

He IS a shit partner, why don't you agree with him? Or do you not feel safe saying that and NOT comforting him?

He is as manipulative as fuck.

surprisebaby12 · 09/02/2026 23:40

findingmysparkle · 07/02/2026 11:19

Thank you. So we don’t have kids, but I have a 6 year old DD who thinks the sun shines out his behind, I also knew before we met I didn’t want anymore children so I’m not waiting on starting a family.. but I do want a family unit. We don’t live together. I don’t know if he fully understands, sometimes he’ll say things like “I just make you upset all the time” but then nothing changes. I agree with all your points, it’s just so hard because he wasn’t like this for the first couple of years & I want that person and relationship back but maybe it won’t ever be there?

Don’t waste more time and let your daughter get more invested just because you’ve spent a few years with him. He’s not the family unit you want, that’s something you can build with a partner that is not treating you poorly.

findingmysparkle · 10/02/2026 09:46

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta i think you nailed it in your last comment. He is manipulative as fuck. Which is why in the moment when he does that it makes me feel like I’ve done wrong and upset him so I comfort him. But you’re right actually I should just say “yeah you have been a shit partner so what are you doing to change that” but alas I’m not at that point yet, I’d love to be able to say that though.

OP posts:
Climbinghigher · 10/02/2026 10:12

findingmysparkle · 09/02/2026 19:20

@Bonkers1966 he is definitely doing those things too, he very clearly is depressed and I’m glad he’s recognising it finally. BUT the way I’m being treated doesn’t align with only depression, and that’s why I’ve been so unsettled on what to do because if it was just depression that’s one thing but it’s not. And when I call out the mistreatment he goes hard at me and then in the end will either cry or just go super quiet and say something like “I’m such a shit partner, i can’t do anything right” etc etc and then it turns into me comforting him and my feeling not being heard and the way he treats me doesn’t change.

So he’s being a victim too.

As women we are socialised to give up our own happiness to support others. Depression can be an incredibly selfish condition & controlling.

I don’t know why you would choose to stay. Leaving might help him shake himself up and sort himself out. In which case maybe you could both reconsider. Or it may not. The situation sounds quite comfortable for him at the moment though - with little reason to change or work on himself.

justtheotheronemrswembley · 10/02/2026 15:25

You are not his therapist or his rehab centre.

You certainly should not be his whipping boy, for want of a better way of putting it.

Please don't martyr yourself at the feet of your abuser. For that is what he is.

financialcareerstuff · 11/02/2026 09:05

OP, you are asking about how to free your thinking and emotions. I want to just recognise the massive growth you have already gone through in this thread. At the start you were asking if it was ok to be impatient with your partner and were largely expecting to be told you should stay and be more patient.

I think you are now at the point that you know this is abuse, and you know the right thing to do is to leave, and toy want to leave and you are beginning to ask how….. how can you overcome the feelings you have? How can you free yourself? That’s huge.

you are going to continue to grow, and you will be able to leave.

in terms of how, a few thoughts. The first, is that on every practical level you are much freer than you think already. Many women are living with, married to their abuser, with shared children, and financially dependent. It is so, so great that you have avoided those things. That was very wise already and showed great instincts for protecting your child. In terms of practicalities, this means ending things should be very very simple. All it takes is a definitive text, blocking, changing your locks if he has the keys. We can even help you write the text.

in terms of emotions, it is of course much harder. But even starting to visualise the above will help you. I know there are resources out there to support that I hope someone can post. The more you read -on this thread and other material about how abuse works, the better… I’d call on your support system. Who do you trust who loves you who you can tell? Are there practical issues that would stop this from being a clean break that you could untangle now? Does he have passwords to anything you could change now etc?

you will get there OP. And we can be here as long as you want. You are doing really well.

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