Depressed partner - do I stay?

findingmysparkle · 2026-02-07T10:35:11+00:00

Name changed for this - DP (M37) and I (F33) have been together for 4 years. The first 2.5 years were great, we had a lot in common and spent our free time doing things we both enjoyed, holidays, hikes meals out etc and had a very healthy sex drive. Now the past 18 months things have gradually declined but the past 6 months rapidly so. He’s withdrawn, cold towards me at times, his sex drive has massively dropped, he starts arguments over the smallest of things and shouts at me as soon as he has to try and communicate. It’s impacted my confidence and self esteem a lot, because to me all I could see was he didn’t like me, fancy me or make me a priority anymore. Now the past 8 weeks of so he has started therapy through his work health plan (only attended 2 sessions so far) and also come to the realisation he is likely depressed. I’ve also started therapy again due to the effect it’s had on my self esteem/confidence. Now here’s where I’m struggling, I wouldn’t ever leave someone because they are depressed or going through a hard time. But I feel like I’m am having to sacrifice my happiness to “accept” the way I am being treated because he is depressed. My therapist is working with me to build my own self back up, but I don’t know how to support him anymore without being hurt more and I’m hoping to get some advice re if anyone has any please 🙏

ThereIsAlwaysWine · 07/02/2026 10:38

Walk away, life's too short x

toodleoothen · 07/02/2026 10:39

Hard to say, really, without more context and history. Is this a relatively temporary blip or does he have a history of depression and depressive episodes? The one thing I would say is that when you don't have children/mortgages together is the time to figure this one out. While you might feel bad about not being able to support him or about prioritizing your feelings and mental health over his, you should not. A lifetime of this will be soul destroying, and will not be sustainable. Perhaps give him support for now, but also think long term, and take the steps you need to protect your own mental health and prospects.

ShawnaMacallister · 07/02/2026 10:41

You don't have to stay with him just because he's depressed. He must have noticed how badly he was treating you up to now, depression is not an excuse for being an arsehole - it's not even an explanation - not all depressed people treat their loved ones badly the way he has. If you are done, you're done - that's your choice.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 07/02/2026 10:41

My exh claimed he was depressed but he was having an affair and couldn't manage the disconnect between family life and his new life, the poor dear. I would walk away if I were you

Iwontbethere · 07/02/2026 10:41

Having a boyfriend is for enhancing your life and making everything easier and fun. That's the only reason to ever date a man.

Dump him for being pointless, argumentative and abusing you by shouting. Life is for enjoying.

BendSinister · 07/02/2026 10:41

Why would you stay with someone who is cold and argumentative, doesn’t want to have sex with you and shouts at you? As a pp said, you don’t seem to be tied together by children. Cut and run.

Morepositivemum · 07/02/2026 10:46

I think it depends on whether there can be an end to it but also I think men get depressed but if they don’t see you as their life buoy or worse think it’s because of you that life isn’t great then you’d have to leave. The person closest to someone who has a problem will always bear the brunt but if he can’t admit that while also saying he still loves you then I’d personally say it’s over. It’s good ye don’t have kids but I wouldn’t say that’s an automatic run away thing

exhaustDAD · 07/02/2026 10:47

Sorry, @findingmysparkle that is truly a crappy situation to be in. Can I ask if you have kids at all? I get the moral dilemma, I think we all do. Being depressed is one thing, it is a tough well to climb out of, but there is no point rationalising abusive behaviour and hiding behind it. I don't know what is worse, if he does understand he is hurting you with how he treats you, or if he doesn't, due to his depression. One way or another, if staying with him means a detriment to your health, mental, or otherwise, that is something you can't ignore. Again, I get the depression, but he is a grown man, so either worth explaining to him that if he can't control his negativity towards you, you will not be able to stay... I think that is a mature way to approach it, however, I have an idea how he would take that... Which would again, kind of solve itself. Either that or just go straight to that point, and just leave, knowing that you are worth more than what you are being given. Because nobody deserves to be treated poorly... I am only going by the points you put down here, obviously I can't know the entirety of the circumstances..

itsthetea · 07/02/2026 10:51

Tricky one
it’s your life and you deserve better

in this case if he is seeking help and accepting responsibility for his depression then I might hang on for a bit to see how things go

goldylock · 07/02/2026 10:52

You've already answered your question by asking it 🙂, i.e., you already know the answer and what's right for you x

cestlavielife · 07/02/2026 10:54

You dont deserve to be shouted at.
Regardless of reason

Walk away

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 07/02/2026 10:54

ShawnaMacallister · 07/02/2026 10:41

You don't have to stay with him just because he's depressed. He must have noticed how badly he was treating you up to now, depression is not an excuse for being an arsehole - it's not even an explanation - not all depressed people treat their loved ones badly the way he has. If you are done, you're done - that's your choice.

Quoted for emphasis:

"depression is not an excuse for being an arsehole - it's not even an explanation"

Lennonjingles · 07/02/2026 10:56

I would like to think I could wait and see if the therapy begins to work. My own DM was a manic depressive and my Dad stayed with her throughout, when it started myself and my 2 brothers were all under 8 years old, so maybe that played a big part in them staying together, obviously I’m glad they did and whilst this did have impact on them, they would say they had a happy marriage.

pinkdelight · 07/02/2026 10:57

Nope, that's almost half the time you've been together has been bad and it's only been getting worse. In a 4-year relationship at 33yo, that's not enough investment to keep sinking yourself in further. Get out now before he drags you right down with him and you lose your 30s to feeling miserable and unloved.

toodleoothen · 07/02/2026 10:57

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 07/02/2026 10:54

Quoted for emphasis:

"depression is not an excuse for being an arsehole - it's not even an explanation"

Edited

Show quote history

I very much agree with this, but in my experience, my ex was much much nicer an more mellow when he was on anti-depressants (didn't last). Which did make me wonder how much of the anger/shouting/nastiness was depression related. Having said that - he is an ex (for this and many other reasons) and it was the best decision I've made in my life.

exhaustDAD · 07/02/2026 10:58

Quite literally what @ShawnaMacallister and @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta posted - being a shouty, hurtful moron is not a symptom of depression. So, we ride it out, and instead of a "shouting, verbally abusive partner with depression" we get a "shouting, verbally abusive partner WITHOUT depression". Not a good trade, potentially..

ThroughTheRedDoor · 07/02/2026 10:59

You dont have to stay. Its ok to cut your losses and walk away.

No matter the reason.

NamingNoNames · 07/02/2026 10:59

You're 33. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Do you want a family.
Walk away.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2026 11:00

He’s only attended two sessions in the past 8 weeks, that also makes me think he is not depressed nor is he committed to the process. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Does he shout at other people or is that reserved solely for you?. It is ok to walk away and you cannot help
anyone who does not want to be helped.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/02/2026 11:00

If you don’t have children and aren’t married then walk away. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2026 11:04

And if you are now in therapy primarily because of this relationship this is a relationship not worth staying in.

Original poster

findingmysparkle · 07/02/2026 11:19

exhaustDAD · 07/02/2026 10:47

Sorry, @findingmysparkle that is truly a crappy situation to be in. Can I ask if you have kids at all? I get the moral dilemma, I think we all do. Being depressed is one thing, it is a tough well to climb out of, but there is no point rationalising abusive behaviour and hiding behind it. I don't know what is worse, if he does understand he is hurting you with how he treats you, or if he doesn't, due to his depression. One way or another, if staying with him means a detriment to your health, mental, or otherwise, that is something you can't ignore. Again, I get the depression, but he is a grown man, so either worth explaining to him that if he can't control his negativity towards you, you will not be able to stay... I think that is a mature way to approach it, however, I have an idea how he would take that... Which would again, kind of solve itself. Either that or just go straight to that point, and just leave, knowing that you are worth more than what you are being given. Because nobody deserves to be treated poorly... I am only going by the points you put down here, obviously I can't know the entirety of the circumstances..

Edited

Thank you. So we don’t have kids, but I have a 6 year old DD who thinks the sun shines out his behind, I also knew before we met I didn’t want anymore children so I’m not waiting on starting a family.. but I do want a family unit. We don’t live together. I don’t know if he fully understands, sometimes he’ll say things like “I just make you upset all the time” but then nothing changes. I agree with all your points, it’s just so hard because he wasn’t like this for the first couple of years & I want that person and relationship back but maybe it won’t ever be there?

OP posts:

Lookingdownthebarrell · 07/02/2026 11:26

You’re leaving because of the way he treats you and the fact that your relationship is taking away from you as a person rather than adding to your life. He chose to treat you this way so you chose to leave.

You’re not leaving because he has become ill. This important distinction is what you need to understand. And leave now and make time and space to work on yourself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2026 11:28

He piqued your interest long enough to draw you into a relationship. This is who he really is, he put on an act that he was never able to maintain.

You do not live together (thank goodness) but you regard him as part of a family unit. He should no longer be a part of your life.

Your daughter and you are already a family unit and he’s also a crap example of a stepfather type figure to her. she certainly needs better male role models in her life as do you. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your parents act like this?. Would you want your child to be in such a relationship as an adult, no you would not and you’d want better for her. But she needs you to show her better.

You need to teach your child far better lessons about relationships, namely the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You’re in therapy because of him. He’s done more than enough harm
to you and in turn your dd.

NamingNoNames · 07/02/2026 11:28

it’s just so hard because he wasn’t like this for the first couple of years
He was probably like that but hiding it.

& I want that person and relationship back but maybe it won’t ever be there?
Cut your losses. It won't go back to what it was. You have a family - you and DC - focus on that.