Cheating Husband

[Eloramum]

Hello my fellow mums,

i have an issue i would like some advise on.

My husband and i had a pregnancy termination in 2024. I really had no idea how much that would affect my mental health, i went in to be depressed for about 18 months. I would have anger outbursts, blame my husband for killing our baby, scream, shout and just couldn't really have sex in those18 months.

i then got pregnant again and things started to improve. I thought after 2 years of these challenges, our relationship was back on track. Turns he has been cheating for a year. He claims he cheated because i was cold, angry and hated him through out this period plus there was no sex.

is this a good reason to cheat? Shouldnt he just have left if it was that bad?

Oh this is a bit much, it really is.

People can be unfit to plead. That doesn't mean their behaviour is okay. I've suffered from mental illness and it is VERY hard on the other person. It's no more their fault than mine.

I also don't think being clear you don't want a child is wrong. OP had a choice and, very understandably, struggled after making the choice her partner wanted rather than what she wanted. There is no blame at all on the OP for that, it was a horrendous choice to make.

It's not OP fault she struggles with mental health at all, that doesn't make it any easier on the person dealing with it.

A vagina is a get out of jail free card on here don’t you know! And I say that as a woman myself. I’m quite confident I could run a man over in my car for looking at me funny in Starbucks and if I had a jury of MN women I’d be found not guilty!

I do but it didn't mean he needed to have sex with someone else.
I certainly do not hate men, I have a lovely DH, brother, son and male friends but I don't think that anything justifies cheating, whether male or female

Her H coerced her into having the abortion.
Saying she had a choice is very naive and lacking in any kind of understanding or empathy. When someone is bullying you it's often hard to stand up to them.

And yes it's hard dealing with someone with mental health issues. But seeing as her mental health issues were very much if his making to react by cheating on her was a particularly low down trick. If he couldn't deal with the situation he had created he should have done the honest thing and left

Please explain.

Do you know nothing about mental health issues some women suffer after having an abortion? Particularly when they are coerced into it.

You sound like yet another poster who has absolutely no knowledge or understanding of mental illness.

He coerced OP into an abortion, destroyed her mental health but you actualy think it was ok for him to cheat on her because the situation he had created was uncomfortable for him ?
Shame on you.

But I'm assuming by your user name you are a man. So of course you have no understanding of the enormity of having to abort a child you desperately want.

Sounds a bit like which came first the chicken or the egg…

Did he pull away because you were so distressed and unwell or did his affair mean he pulled away and you became more distressed and unwell after the trauma of the abortion.

I know I developed anxiety (no previous mental health issues) while my husband was involved in an affair and I couldn’t explain why, when the affair came out it all became clear, he was withdrawing affection, compassion and kindness and I was reacting to it as my subconscious was screaming at me.

@Eloramum can you go through timescales a little.

TBH his treatment of his OW is appalling (and I do not as a rule have sympathy for OW) and shows a slightly narcissistic tendency.

This relationship ended the moment you aborted because he pressured you to do so.
He has now proven himself to be totally untrustworthy, he has betrayed you at your most vulnerable.
Don't give him any more of your precious time ,thoughts ,emotions and energy .
He can't eat , sleep blah blah blah well tough shit ,should have thought about that when he was dipping his wick.

No I agree, people should always leave before cheating.

I guess my opinion is biased because I've been on the receiving end of abuse due to mental health while they did nothing about it. The advice given to me (on here) at the time was to leave.

I've also suffered with very bad PND to the extent I didn't want to be here anymore, I still don't think it's easy for anyone else to deal with when you're not doing anything about it. 18 months is a long time to live with someone being so horrible to you, whether it's their fault or not.

The relationship I mentioned where I was on the receiving end of this, he was a very 'strong' character for want of a better phrase, and I felt pushed into things I didn't want to do because I was constantly walking on eggshells. I didn't deserve that, but I also accept that I wasn't doing anything to try and change things. I chose to stay in a toxic environment even though I knew how badly it was affecting me mentally.

The bottom line is at some point we need to take accountability for ourselves. That goes for both. Not happy - leave. Don't cheat and don't abuse your spouse, there are consequences for both.

Again, someone who doesn't read what I've written. I do NOT think it's okay to cheat. I said that this is the first time I could sort of understand how it's happened as having someone being constantly horrible to you can wear anyone down.

I do not think it's right she felt pressured into having a termination, it was grossly unfair. People also do have a choice.

I do understand mental health. I'm on 2 types of medication for it and had it quite severely after the births of two of my children.

I have also been on the receiving end of abusive behaviour due to someone elses mental health.

I have also had a termination.

No, I'm not a man. My user name is from a painting that reminds me how grim some men have always been.

Most people seem to be missing my point. What good is it to blame only one person, when both have done wrong? Personally I think trying to understand the others point of view and take accountability for their own part, is the only way a couple can move forward after so much trauma.

If no one is willing to do that, then whats the point? Either/both should leave or else they are going to live with resentment in a miserable home for the rest of their lives, while blaming each other.

OP & her husband went through a very difficult time .
She thought they came out the other side of it .
However, he embarked on an affair when she was 3 months pregnant.
He had a whole different life infact that she knew nothing of .
Someone he told he loved , met her family & friends, spent a great deal of time with , told her he would marry her , she became pregnant , didn’t keep the baby , all the while having his pregnant wife at home .
Please tell me how ANYONE could come from this ?????
We need good , trustworthy , loving people in our lives .
He’s none of the above …

Op none of us can tell you what is best to do.

what do you want to do?
can you move on?
will this be something you can’t get over?

you don’t have to make decisions right now. Your baby is only 6 months old. Your hormones are everywhere. My advice if I were you though would be telling him you need time and space to determine what you want. That you need to think things through because your hormones will affect tour emotions at the moment. I would try and get some therapy about everything you have been through and about what he has done and then make a decision be it on another 6 months or whatever there is no correct time scale

So you seem to be saying @Eloramum 's husband couldn't leave because of her mental state, and then proceeded to break his vows and betray his wife because, WHAT- he thought this would help her get better?

Am I misunderstanding your meaning? I hope I am because I have serious doubts that anyone's MH has been improved by their partner's infidelity.

I'm amazed at how naive I am sometimes. It never occurred to me that he could be faking poor work performance. I think you're right; he's using her anxiety and fear to make her feel sorry for him and continue the relationship.

@Eloramum , I hope you make the best decision for you and your child. You both deserve so much more than this.❤

Hi All,

Its me, again 🙈

so basically, 2 months have passed since i found out about the year long affair. Since then i have spoken to the OW, (we actually became friends), we bonded over the trauma. She sent me all of their WhatsApp message history and the poor women was lied to and manipulated from day 1. He made up a fake life and personality, its astounding how he lived as a whole different person/character for an entire year. Everything he ever said to her was a lie, i don't know how he did it. We are both shocked. All their dates, texts, calls, it was all lies.

he pretended her loved her and used her for sex and i suspect he also enjoyed the mind games he played with her and all the attention and control. She really did love him. By the end of the year she was a broken woman and when i read her messages to him i feel sorry for her. She is currently depressed and struggling to cope after she found out he was married, he cut her off and reported her to the police for sharing their private messages with me and she was told to never contact him again. What a way to treat someone he was with a whole year!

I am in SHOCK because even through his cheating, he was still mostly kind, cooked and cleaned for me when i was pregnant, paid bills, took care of the baby when she was born etc. It was just the few instances (5 all year) when i suspected he was cheating when he would disappear or go out with ‘friends.’ Other than that, he was ‘perfect.’ So imagine the shock finding out he is capable of such evil!

I really do wonder if he is a sociopath, who am i even married to??!!!

its unfortunate we have a baby together, i feel stuck with him because of it, but mostly because of finances. Its during times like this that you realise how important it is to be truly financially independent 😔

Good to hear from you OP, does your update mean you’re still with him? Does he know you and the other woman became friends?

Yes we are still together at the moment. He is fighting to stay together. The whole tears, apology, reading self help books, depression etc etc.

however i have done lots of thinking, reflection, read many articles and the conclusion seems to be that staying together doesn't work. The damage is too great, i will never forgive him and will only torture
myself with resentment.

Some things you just can't undo, @Eloramum . This is one of those. I am glad that your update shows an understanding of this, and you'll be able to start a new, better life without him at one point. Stay strong until you can separate for good. You can let it all go, "forgive" him as a person, but as a partner, spouse, absolutely no way back.

Men do this, they naturally demand sex in the relationship or they walk. I did it myself. I have grown out of that mindset but it took time. Sex matters but a couple can be intimate without actually having sex.

I feel your pain. I hope you can break free x