Cheating Husband

[Eloramum]

Hello my fellow mums,

i have an issue i would like some advise on.

My husband and i had a pregnancy termination in 2024. I really had no idea how much that would affect my mental health, i went in to be depressed for about 18 months. I would have anger outbursts, blame my husband for killing our baby, scream, shout and just couldn't really have sex in those18 months.

i then got pregnant again and things started to improve. I thought after 2 years of these challenges, our relationship was back on track. Turns he has been cheating for a year. He claims he cheated because i was cold, angry and hated him through out this period plus there was no sex.

is this a good reason to cheat? Shouldnt he just have left if it was that bad?

I agree with this,

cheating on here is a klaxon call, and there are many posters who can’t see past it, there is no grey area for them,

for me it’s not so simple. If you think you can be happy as a family and you both want this, I’d work together to achieve that.

@Miranda65 @Notsosweetcaroline -I am asking this with the utmost respect - In your world, a year-long marathon of being unfaithful and having sex with someone else behind your spouse can count as "a mistake"? Not trying to be hateful, but a mistake is accidentally being short with someone, but not meaning to hurt the person, accidentally dropping the pan on their foot, or having a misjudgement of circumstances, and choosing to pick a fight instead of staying calm... Consciously deciding to lie about where you are, who you are with, what you do - actively having sex with an outside party, sneaking around, FOR A YEAR.. That is just such a level of disrespect and disregard to one's being that I just can't wrap my head around how anyone could look past it.

The affair ended because he just couldnt give her what she wanted anymore. After a year, she wanted to move to the next step. According to her, she had opened up her life to him but he had not, she obviously couldn't meet his friends, family or anyone in his life because they all know me.

he wasn't giving her the time she wanted, they could only sneak around so no holidays, weekends, overnight stays only happened a handful of times. So he had to break it off, not because he wanted to but because it had reached a point he couldn't keep her anymore.

she got in touch when he ended their relationship but just like the abortion, he didn't realise how terrible the consequences would be. He thought he would date her, then dump her and carry on, but she said nope! I will destroy your life.

he is miserable, he cant eat or sleep, hes performing badly at work, he has received a warning for poor performance. He never thought i would ever find out. He is in shock because i now know who he is.

he cries, he kneels, he begs. He's sorry, he blocked her, deleted her everywhere, even got lawyers to send her a letter to stop contacting me and sending me their private conversations. He has actually been cold in his dealing with her, its scary.

he sent me his location, gave me all his passwords and social media accounts. Gave me full access to his phone. So its all a bit crazy because now he is desperate because he doesn't want me to leave.

Oh my god he’s only being like this cos he can’t have his cake and eat it! He’s a compulsive liar! Get out whilst you can!! I’m shocked!!

He gave you the passwords to his current social media accounts. Nothing is stopping him from opening new social media accounts. I wouldn’t put it past a man who is capable of living a double life for a year.

@Eloramum

His complete and utter coldness in dealing with her is quite telling. It’s the switch, the complete U-turn in his behaviour that is scary. This is a man who went from telling her he loved her every day, I am not saying her did love her, in fact I’m pretty sure he didn’t as to treat her so coldly suggests not, but what it does suggest is that he is man who is willing to lie, fake, do and say whatever is necessary to get what he wants, with little to no regard of the impact and hurt he is causing to others.

This is incredibly callous, calculating and manipulative! For these reasons I would be extremely cautious in believing his current supposed remorseful state. It comes across as though he thinks that if he acts the part well enough, intentionally causes consequences to his own life…like work for example, cries, begs, doesn’t eat etc, all things he knows would make you worry about him/your financial stability together if he’s at risk of being fired from work - then it must be true, you simply must believe him. He is putting you in a position of worrying about him/money etc which is a means of distraction so that you don’t spend that time worrying about yourself! He’s essentially attempting to put you into caring mode, which means you end up focusing on him and not you and baby.

Essentially what he is doing here is pulling out the big guns here and sacrificing whatever he needs to (work for example) to make sure you feel bad and worry enough over him that you believe he is truly remorseful and don’t leave.

You know him best, but please do beware and keep your wits about you.

He used her. He told her whatever she wanted to hear in order to get what he wanted. And he compartmentalised beautifully. He never thought you’d find out and he never thought through the consequences. He is selfish and entirely lacking in emotional intelligence.
She obviously lacks emotional intelligence too - who falls for that nonsense for a year? And then tells you? No.
Honestly op, I’d get him to leave, at least for a period of time, to give yourself time to think. This is a lot.

I’m going to be really honest with you.

Your relationship is toxic and you both need to walk away. What happened to you after your termination is heartbreaking but you were still emotionally abusive to him during this time which is absolutely unacceptable.
You both obviously have trauma from your relationship and his cheating was no excuse but now on top of that bad history and trauma, you now have zero trust.

You’ve stated your ages but you both sound exceptionally immature and need to have seperate therapy to become healthy adults.

No sex was hardly going to kill him was it?
As for "seeking solace" thats a fancy way to describe getting your rocks off.
Cheating cannot ever be justified OP, your H is a scumbag

Please stop ruining your life with this man and make plans for a happy life for you and your daughter. You’ll feel so much better.

Disagree with this. Life can be very lonely, and living with someone who seems to hate you must be confusing. Leaving someone who’s ill and grieving…. Not always an option. People don’t always handle things perfectly.

Interesting. OP by her own admission was screaming and shouting at him for 18 months, if a woman posted that her husband was treating HER like that would your response be “well it won’t kill you”?

I said no sex wouldn't kill him so there is no excuse for shagging anyone else
I would say the same to a woman whose husband had MH issues as well.
If its not working leave, if you can't leave then work towards leaving but at no point is cheating OK

I'm not sure where you read any of this in my reply so I think you may want to quote the person you were actually responding to.

But since you mentioned, no, no sex wasn't going to kill him. A partner who screams at him that he killed her baby may have if he was emotionally wobbly himself. I don't subscribe to "men are evil" narrative as a rule. I think neither of the couple covered themselves in glory here.

You can’t see that leaving a person so depressed they want to die everyday, screams and shouts at you daily, probably didn’t feel like a safe option?

Has everybody missed the fact that he “talked” aka coerced her into an abortion she didn’t want!!!

Boohoo the poor didums missed out on some sex and had deal with his grieving wife who was grieving the loss of a child she wanted on top of likely dealing with the guilt of terminating that pregnancy. What was she’s supposed to do, smile and pretend it was ok in case he went off and started an affair!! 🙄

He wanted the abortion, she did what he wanted to do (not what she wanted to do) and then he’s shocked and can’t cope with the fall out when she has some difficult feelings about it and instead of providing her with love and support had a year long affair!!

God the bar really is low, so many defending him or partly excusing his behaviour because she was having struggles with mental health because she was grieving. He behaviour towards him was different because she was angry and resentful as he coerced her and she told him so to his face!!! Poor man being told the truth, how awful for him! Must have been terrible 🙄

This. In the early days of our relationship I picked up a bad UTI - I think we were about 6 months in - I was in hospital with it and I took over ten courses of antibiotics to clear it. We had no sex for about 4-6 months absolutely none. But he reassured me, he got himself STI checked just to be 100% certain he didn’t have something that we were passing to and from each other - he was 100% clear and it was my idea to get us both checked as it was hideous. After the UTI I had thin vaginas walls etc and other issues eg piles he never ever did anything with anyone else.

the fact that he got women pregnant 3 times, was shagging someone when you were 3 months pregnant etc got her pregnant pressured her into an abortion etc promising her marriage, babies and a life etc he just doesn’t care about anyone but him.

The only person here is your daughter. You walk away with her and you teach her the following:

1. women can earn their own money and stand on their own two feet
2. boys and girls are responsible for contraception. Both jointly and in life double up if you don’t want one both parties use contraception
3. there are no excuses for cheating or lies
4. none see 3 again it is important
5. Abortion - you were pressured into an abortion. And the woman gets to say what she wants. Man keeps it in his pants (100%) or takes responsibility that no contraception is 100% so if you get someone pregnant - it’s on you. My eldest is the result of a solid relationship (engaged) in my 30s I was on the pill - he forced me into termination I still have the letters offering me £10,000 for a ‘holiday’ payable on receipt on proof of termination. I terminated him. My daughter is now at university and he has never been involved. He is now 60 and has no children, no wife, nothing.
6. You can not be someone’s else’s crutch for long periods. Your mental health was shot to pieces you are responsible for getting your own mental health back on track it was his job to support you whilst you did this with his support.

I strongly advise you to split. Reason adultery.

tell him you can work towards fab co parenting etc and accept your mental health was rock bottom due to a coerced termination and this is not something you can solve or heal from together.

he would tell her he loved her everyday. They went on dates, spent night and weekends together. He met her friends and family and promised to marry her. She also got pregnant but terminated the baby

Monstrous choices every day for a year, and he was having unprotected sex with two women.
I would be declining monitoring his phone like he's a naughty 12 year old, and would be considering if this low quality man is really all I want from life.

You could be enjoying a life of peace and happiness and not listening to this snivelling adulterer.

Double standards as usual on mumsnet.

How? There's no equivalent for men, since women can't force men to abort a pregnancy, and women don't impregnate their mistress.
This man has brutally traumatised his wife on two separate topics

He cheated because he wanted to - don’t let him out his character weaknesses on you.

I’m not casting blame. I said her behaviour was abusive. She needs to own that and deal with it. He needs to own his behaviour.

It really isn’t helpful to keep using the don’t blame mantra. Explanation and insight are useful tools for people to develop. The OP id describing two adults who show no responsibility for their own agency and are stuck in a blame cycle. Which is really pointless and ignores how unsuited they are and how unready they are for a relationship.

OP, I want to make one thing clear: You were not abusive.

This man harangued you until you felt trapped into aborting a pregnancy that you very much wanted, for his own selfish reasons. That is abuse. You then had a mental health crisis. Any reactive abuse on your part was a direct response to his actual abuse. He dismissed you entirely and went on about not understanding why you couldn’t “just get over” the horrible choice he forced upon you. He then proceeded to not only cheat, but to impregnate another woman that also ended in abortion (also at his insistence?), after lying to her and stringing her along as well. He’s now “devastated” that his mask has slipped and all of his lies and abuses are revealed.

This man is a narcissist and an abuser. Get away from him for your own safety and that of your daughter.

He talked and talked about all the reasons why we couldn't keep the first pregnancy until i just had to do it.

He coerced her into having an abortion.
He destroyed her mental health.
And then he had sex with another woman and cheated on her.
And yet you are calling OP abusive?
Unbelievable.

Have you heard about criminal responsibility? That the law recognises that certain mental illness and mental conditions mean that a person is actually considered unfit to plead, unfit to take responsibility for their actions? And yet here you are saying OP should " own her behaviour ". Behaviour that occurred when she was deeply unwell and not responsible for it.

I don't think you have any understanding of mental illness at all.

If it was a man doing what the OP did and blamed his mental health, you'd think that was fine? That she was to ensure he had a support network before leaving after dealing with his abusive behaviour?

And no, I don't agree with cheating. This is the first time I've sort of understood how it could happen. He should have left and she should have sought help.