Cheating Husband

[Eloramum]

Hello my fellow mums,

i have an issue i would like some advise on.

My husband and i had a pregnancy termination in 2024. I really had no idea how much that would affect my mental health, i went in to be depressed for about 18 months. I would have anger outbursts, blame my husband for killing our baby, scream, shout and just couldn't really have sex in those18 months.

i then got pregnant again and things started to improve. I thought after 2 years of these challenges, our relationship was back on track. Turns he has been cheating for a year. He claims he cheated because i was cold, angry and hated him through out this period plus there was no sex.

is this a good reason to cheat? Shouldnt he just have left if it was that bad?

What a lot of people there are who are sure that they would rather be abandoned.

What black-and-white lives you all must lead.

Seriously?

Because I had an abortion in the past, and my then partner held is against me and accused me of killing our baby plenty of times. Not once did it cross my mind to cheat or 'seek solace elsewhere'.

No, OP, what he did to you was horrid at a time you were suffering.

It sounds like things were very difficult and you were both struggling in different ways.

It's easy to say there's no excuse to cheat, but it's not that simple or black and white.

He would have been called all kinds of everything if he left you during that time. Mental health struggles are never an excuse for men to be nasty to women, so the reverse should also be the case.

Why did he ask you to abort? And how did he agree to another pregnancy now?
sounds like you need some serious counselling to move on from this.

it sounds like the OW contacted you to disclose the affair? He didn’t tell you himself and you didn’t discover it without her.

do you want the marriage to work? Or is this it?

it’s a lot. But what man asks their OH to have a termination and the 18m later is having another baby? What else is there to this story? Was he sick? Were you sick?

Would it have been better if he had of left you? While you were in a bad state, struggling with depression and grief. I’m not so sure. And leaving someone ill is not easy to do.

Was this affair just about sex?
There’s a lot going on here that isn’t clear.
It doesn’t feel black and white.

Not popular on here but I think affairs are often emotional painkillers or (incredibly ill thought out) coping mechanisms for people in stressful situations. Doesn’t justify it in anyway (I can’t think of a single marriage that can’t be fucked up by shagging someone else and I’ve never known it to make things better!) but I think sometimes? It is what people do.
What do you want to do op?

We were not ready financially, plus he was at risk of redundancy

My baby is 6 months old now, at the time it was a replacement baby for the one we lost (yes i am ashamed of this) but i love her so much 😍😍

I have no idea what to do, i want to keep the family together for the sake of my daughter but can i forgive and move on? I dont know if i can

My baby is now 6 months and i got a lovely message and pictures from the mistress! Just last week! Unbelievable

We were not ready financially to have a baby and he was at risk of redundancy. He also wanted to wait longer to have a baby as we had just got married.

But after i lost my mind as a result of the termination, the idea came up that maybe a ‘replacement baby’ would help me heal. So we tried again and it did help. I am a-lot happier as i got my baby back.

but then obviously life just wouldnt let me be happy. Now my baby is 6 months and this is when i received a message from the mistress via social media to inform me they had a 12 month affair. just when i thought things were finally getting better.

How old are you both op?

Are they still together? If you do stay married, are you supposed to ignore their relationship?

He may be telling you that it’s over, but he hasn’t exactly been honest over the past year, so how will you be able to believe him?

Firstly congratulations, I’m not surprised you love your baby so much after all you have been through.

@Eloramum tbh you’ve only just found out. You’re in shock and I doubt whether you’re ready to make a decision yet.

Is it possible he was using another woman as an emotional band aid, of course it is, but is a man who is using someone else to make himself feel validated and to gain ego kibbles while cheating on his wife who is in a great deal of pain, someone you want to be with? Can you forgive that simple truth? Is he still in touch with this woman? When the dust settles will this no contact hold? It often doesn’t, they often revert back, affairs are addictive. He might say and do all the right things now but when it all gets hard again what work will he have done to be a safe partner for you?

At the end of the day @Eloramum he chose to cheat when you were both going through a hard time. Bottom line is that was his coping strategy. What’s to stop him taking that course of action again?

You're young and I don’t think you’ve been married very long, there will be many MANY rough patches that you will both go through, you need a steadfast loving supportive partner and he needs to prove he can be that.

I’d give yourself time, lick your wounds, watch and wait, and read all you can to understand how likely it is he’ll do this again if he doesn’t put in work on himself.

This is not on you, but it’s on you to protect yourself (and your baby) moving forward, financially, emotionally and sexually. His mask has slipped.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Are you SERIOUS??
Understandable reason?
Absolutely not.
You sit down, discuss, leave if necessary. Or just leave.
There is no justifiable reason to cheat and betray someone, ever.

I think you need counselling now, even without the mistress showing up, you need it urgently.

There is a bit of a glow sometimes after having a baby, and especially with the tangles you have from previously, it must be like being high, but some of the words you are using are not sitting right with me. That glow will wear off. You might want another baby. Your husband is a doughnut. There is a lot going on here.

@NewYearNewMee I know what you meant and I agree with you.

She did not condone it.

She said it’s wrong, but there was a reason he did it. You can work on that, but when it was just for fun then you can’t even explain it.

I also agree that this is one of those situations where it is understandable. Acceptable and understandable are two very different things. I think many people male or female if going through what was clearly a loveless and abusive situation at home maybe flattered by attention and go there. At times you’d be thinking of when to leave. Or just want to feel loved, cared for etc.

shoupd he have left, I’m not sure, he’s clearly staying with the op, they have a family now, the affair is in the past, the op is mentally better. Should he have cheated no.

i think it was a horrible time for those involved.and it’s far to easy to say he should have walked.

op, I’m sorry you’re going through this, and the ow is contacting you, I’d assume that’s as he’s ended it? I think if you both feel you can make this work, then it’s worth a shot.

He's a disgusting, selfish bastard and you should bin him. He wasn't there physically or mentally when you most needed him. It's called "for better or for worse"

He's not good enough for you

No, it's not okay.

And you didn't like him as a result of suggesting abortion and you will dislike him all the more for betraying you again. I don't think that it can get better from the point it's at whatever the rights and wrongs (and you are in the right; don't let the 'guilt' eat you). I hope you find better.

Tbf. The adage there is no excuse for cheating, applies to abuse as well. Too many people hide behind MH issues when called out for abuse. She could have sought help or left herself.

I would add that she still needs help now as she did not get her baby back, it’s a different baby. Op would you have access to some counselling?

The very nature of Mental illness means the sufferer is not capable of making rational judgements about their own behaviour.

Your post seems to be denying the reality of Mental illness. Perhaps some people do use it as smokescreen and an excuse for bad behaviour. But that doesn't mean Mental illness should be dismissed as not being very real for very many people.

That’s really not what the poster said or even implied.

Well I think she did.

She was saying people use Mental illness as an excuse for abusive behaviour.

She was saying OP should have been rational enough to leave the relationship. When her Mental health most probably meant she wasn't rational enough to do this.

The poster showed no understanding of the mental health issues abortion can cause for some women.