Cheating Husband

[Eloramum]

Hello my fellow mums,

i have an issue i would like some advise on.

My husband and i had a pregnancy termination in 2024. I really had no idea how much that would affect my mental health, i went in to be depressed for about 18 months. I would have anger outbursts, blame my husband for killing our baby, scream, shout and just couldn't really have sex in those18 months.

i then got pregnant again and things started to improve. I thought after 2 years of these challenges, our relationship was back on track. Turns he has been cheating for a year. He claims he cheated because i was cold, angry and hated him through out this period plus there was no sex.

is this a good reason to cheat? Shouldnt he just have left if it was that bad?

Well of course you won’t know now. You’ve had an enormous shock, it’s a massive betrayal, the effects of it are horrible and long lasting. You will, quite understandably, be all over the place.
What is he saying about all of this?

Can I ask — who has told you that being depressed and angry after an abortion you didn’t want led to the affair? Is this something you have concluded on your own knowing the timing and situation or is this the excuse he has given to justify it?

There are always reasons why someone has an affair. And while you can have empathy for how your husband was feeling at that time it does not make an affair justified.

He could see that this monumental thing had happened to you and you completely changed. You weren’t yourself and you were horrible to live with. But he knew why. He should have been focused on helping you. Instead he helped himself cope knowing it would further devastate you and send you to a worse place if you found out. But his needs came above yours just like when he asked you to abort in the first place.

You need time to unpack everything that has happened because this level of trauma in a relationship is going to be hard to move on from. Take your time. Get individual counselling. Then marriage counselling if you want to try to save it or just to come to terms with the end of the relationship.

I assume that he ended the affair himself which is why the AP told you? As revenge or in the hope he would come back if you kicked him out? That would make me take my time and not play into her hands. It’s also the only redeeming part of his poor decision making

This is very wise. To be extremely upset after an abortion you didn't want is not what I would call abusive . I don't think you have to accept that it is.
Make sure that your husband isn't holding all the power in this relationship.

There is no excuse for an affair.

There is also no excuse for domestic abuse, which is what you were doing to your husband for 18 months.

They is also no excuse for pressuring a woman into an abortion (if this is what happened).

I don't know what the answer is in this particular case but, bluntly, it sounds like you both need to work on taking responsibility for your own actions and choices.

I’m not denying the reality of mental health. But people who are victims of abuse shouldn’t be told it doesn’t count because the perpetrator has a mental health condition. The behaviour described by the OP was blaming and punishing. An unusual symptom of depression. Nonetheless it is abusive in a relation. The OP can be abusive and suffering from depression. It doesn’t reduce the impact on the person the person being abused.

I am not going to cheapen debate by accusing you of denying abuse. But you are confusing explain with blame.

I strongly disagree, and I say that as someone who is regularly accused of taking women's side in any scenario by default.

Screaming and shouting at your partner, anger outbursts and accusing your partner of killing your child are absolutely abusive.

Men who behave in this way also have their reasons, but there is no excuse for it, and it is absolutely domestic abuse that should not be rug-swept.

That had absolutely no bearing on his affair, or any pressure he may have applied re the abortion which are also unacceptable.

However, pretending that in some cases, shouting, screaming, anger outbursts and accusing your partner of killing your child is not abuse just muddies the waters for all women who are inclined to excuse the same behaviours in men because they have reasons.

So he had an affair not only when you were down but also after you had your baby and assuming all was well between you @Eloramum ? For me that makes a big, big difference. If he's been cheating now I wouldn't have any qualms of leaving the bastard.

I agree there is never any good reason for an affair. One of the worst things in this situation is the deception. He started the affair during this no sex period, so arguably one could say he only had one sexual partner at that time and was waiting for her mental health to stabilise before he left .

However he obviously decided to stay and started having sex with OP again and got her pregnant. I suspect he was still having sex with his affair partner until more recently if she’s just contacted Op now, so he was juggling at least two women. Which also calls into question the idea he felt he needed this other women because he was in a sexless abusive marriage.

Either way, if someone cheats on me I believe I deserve to know before they sleep with me - that’s the least they can do. I would feel as if my consent has been trampled over if I wasn’t told about this before having sex.

I would also feel massively deceived risking my life to bring a man’s child into the world (albeit my child too) if I found out afterwards he had cheated. Having a child forever ties you to someone so again it was really deceptive to keep the affair quiet until after she had the baby. And even then he wasn’t the one who owned up.

re. Alleged double standards for women in abusive relationships who have an affair - I am against that too. It’s not a good idea. And where the man is violent it puts their life and their AP’s life in danger. It also promotes unhealthy co-dependency. You need to close the door on one relationship before you get into another. Stand on your own two feet for a bit, get some therapy etc. Running from one man straight into another man’s arms rarely ends well.

I have got to say the whole language of this thread demonstrates the problem. The OP and her husband are mired in the language of blame, excuse and punish. Whether the punishments are intentional aren’t really the issue.

They both need to end this as individuals if they want to be a decent parent. Because you can’t parent like this. And, they definitely shouldn’t be together.

Agree with comments saying that you were obvious having an extremely difficult time but ultimately you displayed abusive behaviour. If a man was depressed and screamed at his wife regularly it wouldnt be acceptable, its not acceptable here.
But to be clear, his behaviour isnt acceptable here. I can see why he didnt leave you, the comments on this thread excusing abuse prove that he would have been vilified. Doesnt excuse what he did at all! Why do you think she told you now? And I think thats kind of what you both need to decide - can you both draw a line under it and move on? I think some individual and couples counselling is desperately needed here, both of you have proven that you understandably cannot cope on your own, or together, so get some help.

I can understand your reactions to him after the abortion as he kind of pressured you into it!! How long ago was this before you got pregnant again?
sorry but I wouldn’t even think twice about forgiving him, he was having an affair for 12 months!! There’s no excuse, nothing. If anything now is a good time to end the marriage when your daughter is a baby as she won’t know any different.
why did the OW message you? Is she also married? What has your DH reaction been since this revelation?

@Eloramum when did the affair happen?
Was it over a while ago or had he recently ended it and she was annoyed and contacted you .

We are 30 and 31 years old

I'm not denying abuse at all .

And her H had every right to leave the marriage if he regarded OP's behaviour as abusive.

But again, as in your previous post, you are casting doubt on whether OP was suffering from a Mental Health illness.

Mental health issues after abortion are well recognised and are complex. And yet you seem determind to cast blame on OP for something outwith her control.

It seems to me that your DH had an affair to get back at you for the way you treated him during those 18 months. I don't understand why he didn't just leave you. Getting you pregnant again and then starting an affair when you were three months along is just cruel.

I think he needs to own those feelings of anger towards you. And you need to own the fact that you decided to terminate - he didn't force you, although obviously he was the major factor.

I definitely think you need marital counselling, because this is a LOT.

Does he want to save the marriage or be with the other woman?

I think there are several factors at play here:

When you fell pregnant the first time and it was discussed I am under the assumption that you were happy with the pregnancy? It was him that brought up all the negatives as in his threat of redundancy, finances and short time married, which in fairness are things to consider. Did you agree with him about these issues and feel like abortion was the best and most sensible option given the circumstances, or did he talk and talk and talk at you until he talked you round to agreeing with him? If it was the latter I can quite understand why you felt so angry and resentful of him. It is often the case that these things we consider big things before the abortion suddenly seem small and that they could have been worked out afterwards especially in the midst of grief.

Neither of you could predict how badly you would suffer with your grief and emotions following the termination. You of course knew and understood it would be upsetting, but there was no way to know the depths of it until you were experiencing it. However, I will say that if you felt pressured or coerced into a termination in any way than your reaction is quiet understandable.

Was he supportive of you during your grief? Did he hold you together and when you were falling apart? Did he take any accountability for his part in this? Or did he create distance and retreat into himself/work? Did he get frustrated with your upset, or not understand why you were so grief stricken? Did you feel supported or alone?

It strikes me that he may have agreed to falling pregnant again and makes me wonder if he felt like he now owed you a baby, or that giving you a baby was the only way to help you heal. Or if agreeing to this baby was in part due to his feeling guilty about the affair? It makes me consider if he really wanted this, or if it was his guilt, a distraction or a sticking plaster in the hope of healing wounds.

In your shoes OP I would need to think about all the above, I would want to understand if the affair was truly a symptom of struggles and a coping mechanism for him or if this is just what he is capable of and could have happened anyway regardless. Another thing to consider is the fact that he was capable of having an affair whilst you were going through possibly the most traumatic and difficult time. I am sympathetic that things will have been difficult for him too, and that seeing the fallout of the termination and the effect it had on you will have also been tough for him, but the answer to all of that was never to have an affair.

At the end of the day he was still unfaithful, he still betrayed you and he still lied to you….the reasons behind why don’t do much to change those facts. It also sounds like it was much more than just sex if this woman was angry enough to blow the lid on things to you and share pictures and messages. Indeed it sounds like she has been very hurt by him also and went scorched earth! What did he tell her, what did she think he felt for her if she is this angry and hurt about things? Because the way you described finding out from her, sounds very much like she was in complete destruction mode, rather than telling you because you simply deserved to know.

Food for thought OP, but I also wanted to say I am very sorry that you are going through this 💐

I’m surprised you think it was spite, I don’t see that and neither do most posters, there are many reasons for an affair, feelings of hurt, rejection, confusion, and yes anger can be one but I’m not seeing that.

why didn’t he leave, there can be so many reasons and it looks like it may have been the right decision not to. Cheating is never the right decision, but people make mistakes and it’s very easy to judge.

He talked and talked about all the reasons why we couldn't keep the first pregnancy until i just had to do it. The impact was greater than i ever imagined. Everyday i just wanted to die.

he struggled with the state of my poor mental health. He couldn't understand why i couldn't just get over it. He had no patience, 1 year was too long for him. He says i was in a terrible state. I cried almost everyday for months, i didnt eat, i just slept. Yet he saw all this and cheated.

the second baby was a way to make me feel better and i did work.

the affair was a full blown relationship, physical and emotional. She sent me their entire whatsapp history and history and he would tell her he loved her everyday. They went on dates, spent night and weekends together. He met her friends and family and promised to marry her. She also got pregnant but terminated the baby.

writting all this down makes me realise how truly awful he is!

I wrote all of that because that’s exactly what I suspected, I am so sorry.

Unfortunately I agree with your assessment of him, he is truly awful and in your shoes I would not have the capacity to forgive or forget the level of betrayal and lies, not to mention coercing you into a termination in the first place. He does not sound like a good man, in fact he sound down right manipulative and deceptive. I don’t see how you could ever trust him again.

I understand that this decision about how you proceed will weigh extremely heavily on you now. Give yourself some grace here, it’s ok not to feel like you have to decide immediately, your baby is still very young and I am absolutely sure that at this moment in time all your love and care goes to baby and that’s where your focus is right now, especially after going through such grief to get where you are I’m sure you want to savour every moment. However, with that said in time you are likely going to further resent him and become angry and the fact that his affair ruined what should be such a precious and wonderful time with your baby and instead yet again you are in grief at discovering his affair and dealing with the aftermath.

Can I ask, (please don’t feel obliged to answer) how has he responded to your discovery of the affair? How did the affair end, did he end it or did she? Has he been devastated, apologetic, remorseful?? Has he ended contact with the affair partner, has he blocked her?

Op I am so sorry you are in this situation.

You are not powerful enough to make a person cheat. For example I don’t cheat for me. My husband has nothing to do with my choice. I willingly made promises in front of friends and family. I said vows and my words mattered to me. Cheating is easy. I could find someone on tinder within a few clicks. But I said I would be faithful and I have to look myself in the mirror every day for the rest of my life and like what I see. So my words and vows matter to me, so I am faithful for ME. Not my husband as he annoys me at times. I am faithful just for me. That’s why I choose not to cheat. My husband is my collateral damage.

Your husband has a but in his fidelity. I am faithful but not if the other woman blows smoke up my behind. I am faithful but not if my wife is unwell. I am faithful but telling someone else I love them is okay if my wife does not find out.

He clearly trusted her to not spill the beans. Sadly those involved with cheats aren’t too trustworthy either. You may find he gets angry because she ‘promised’ not to tell you. Which is ironic at best.

Maybe he lied to her too and said they would be together one day. The difference is she knew 100% that he lies to people he commits to, you didn’t. She chose to play a part in the lie and sadly has realised cheats are liars.

He has flaws in his personality that allowed him to cheat (people pleasing tendencies, needing smoke up his arse, inability to self soothe, selfish etc) when he had three credible options.

a) leave
b) counselling and leave if not resolved.
c) put up and shut up

he chose option D
d) become a liar and sneak around showing you have no integrity says a lot about him. And isn’t an option for most people.

Cheaters are liars. It’s not cool. It’s sleazy. Snogging your mates boyfriend behind the bike sheds wasn’t a great look at 15 never mind at 30.

The books; how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Glass.

Mitchell and Mitchell - cheating in a nutshell

and Ravikant ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’.

These books may help you.

The website surviving infidelity may also help you.

A lot of people give it a go but split at the 3-5 year point as you will recover and then see your spouse in a different lights. Flaws you once overlooked will be unattractive. Cheaters are unattractive. I do think some people can recover but I also think it’s a minority and trickle truth plays a huge part.

I am far from perfect and I think people quirks and imperfections can be attractive but sneaking about and lying to your family makes me think of naughty school boys with dirty knees - it’s really unattractive and uncovers so many poor traits.

Looking forward if you do split. In any new relationship when the lovely lady across the table says ‘did you ever cheat on your ex wife?’’ he will always have to explain he cheated or choose to start a new relationship on a lie. And at date number 1 or 2 or 6 I can honestly say that would be the last time I saw that man as there are plenty of men out there and one who lacks the integrity to keep his own vows is not a good bet in my opinion and as I have gotten older the don’t want to waste time on fools - I’d prefer to have dinner with friends or family and put time into good people, not potential cheats. And I can’t be the only woman who thinks that way. So I do wonder if cheats limit their future options in relationships?

Good luck op. I am sorry you are in this awful situation. It was never your fault.

May be a controversial opinion but I think if you both are willing to put in the effort you could possibly move past this.

You need some serious couple and solo therapy.

You went through an awful time and and the relationship was in tatters. No that doesn’t excuse cheating but I don’t see it as a black and white situation, there’s a whole grey area in the middle.

If you want this therapy is a non negotiable.

You should also want to stay for yourself not just for the child.

Also op if you feel lost then after reading that Ravikant book I suggested you may want to try the following.

Every day write down three things that you enjoyed.

Also Write down a list of your values and why they are your values. If you are finding this hard then Mark Mansons has a podcast on values (not everyone likes him I know). It’s long but in-depth.

Then everyday write how you lived by your values that day. Revise the values each month and do it again.
It may help give you clarity, focus and purpose while you grieve. If you live by your values you will get through it stronger. If you are unsure you can think about your values to help you.

Might sound a bit cheesy (writing) but often people suffer from a for of ptsd (pisd) when their spouse cheats. By writing and focusing on what matters to you, you may heal quicker. If you do go for counselling sack any unmet needs counsellors -your need for fidelity and honesty hasn’t been met. Jumping into bed with the postman (reliable - always delivers letters daily and honest - never steals your post) won’t help meet your need for honesty ans reliability. It’s nonsense and will likely make you hold more contempt for him.

At the end of the day, cheating is cheating. Rationalising it, and finding reasons to do it, while shifting the blame over to the other person is the most spineless way to get about it. Cheating is always a choice. Whether your spouse is a loving, caring person who is kind to you and has regular sex with you, or if you are married to an angry warrior who is never in the mood for any intimacy whatsoever - it is always a choice. That won't change. Ever. What he should have done is communicate that he can't stay in the relationship like this, work on it with OP, or just simply exit and then find solace elsewhere... at least that would be clean.
@Eloramum - I get your points of maybe wanting to stay together for the sake of the kiddo, but staying together for the sake child is always a faulty plan. He broke your trust and promise he made to your relationship, there is no undoing that. That kid will grow up with parents who otherwise would have split, and I am fairly certain that is not the type of life you want to see her normalised, in the future when she is a grownup, you wouldn't recommend her to stay with a disrespectful spouse who betrayed her either...

So he was leading a double life: pregnant wife at home, and in parallel, a full on partner (pregnant no less) with whom he became enmeshed with family/friends, alongside a promise of marriage.

You have every right to demand that he answers your questions. He doesn’t get to opt out with, “I’ve finished the affair and don’t want to discuss it.” Sorry, Mate.

I’d be wanting to know what his plan was—when was this alleged wedding going to take place? How did your divorce fit into his timeline with OW? Why have they “ended it” (if it is in fact over)? How long was he planning on leading a double life—forever, if you never found out?

Out of curiosity, did he spend big family days, like Christmas, with you, or with OW/her family? How did that go down with the partner he left on her own for the day?

My two cents is that a double life is inexcusable, and I wouldn’t be sticking with him for my baby’s sake.

OP, you have both had a difficult time. You have both made mistakes. If you are genuinely happy together, then this is the time to work things out and look to the future. You both need to forgive each other - surely it's worth a try?