DH too considerate of other people

[cerisepink889]

My DH always puts other peoples feelings and desires before mine and kids. For example when eldest DD dumped her boyfriend it was all about her being unkind and how is ex bf going to feel now she needs to accept him for who he is. Another example when kids were little they weren't allowed to play outside as not fair on the neighbours to hear kids outside on their days off and now and now DH has decided that DS can't take the last space in his sports team as that means that there is not room for anyone else.

He does everything for everyone else he is the first person to help my nan if she needs a hand with anything and he will make sure all the neighbours bins are out on the right day but if I want him to take my youngest to a birthday party or pick up one of the older children from a party he won't do it. I can't work out why he is so considerate to other people but not to me or his children? I can't fathom him out, He says we need to think of other people before ourselves.

Can't work out if I am being selfish or not.

Not selfish at all. While it’s nice he is considerate, the level he is taking it to must be having an effect on your kids. They won’t thank him for it but they also won’t thank you for allowing it. The point about your DS on the sports team is absolutely ridiculous.

Has he always been this way?

More importantly, what are you going to do about it?

Charity begins at home.

Nice to be considerate but he's turning his own children into doormats.

Knight in shining armour to everyone else.
Barr his own family🤮

Based on your title, I thought I was going to bond with you over a man who is irritatingly people pleasing at times.

But actually, your examples paint a different picture. Quite narcissistic actually- "ooh, look at me, I'm so wonderful and kind and considerate" while, in private hes mean and controlling.

Sounds like high level people pleasing.
Your Nan is one thing. Why won’t he take/pick up his children from parties.
What is his reason?
I don’t think you are being selfish.

He needs to prioritize you and the kids. It’s great to be helpful but not at your expense.

This.

Also, the example with dd and her ex bf is really disturbing and misogynist.

He sounds obsessed with appearances and how other people will perceive him.

He's not coming from a place of love or genuine concern for anyone but himself.

This sounds like virtue signalling

I'm not sure there is an expression for forcing martyrdom onto someone else (your children), but he's doing that too

It sounds like abuse to me.

My mother is like this. She is a chronic people-pleaser, but as she considers her children aspects of her, we don’t ‘count’.

Ok found it: White Knight Narcissist.

I am flabbergasted that you stayed with him through the garden ban! I would lose my mind being at home in the summer and not being able to chuck the kids out into the garden too play!

If I was being kind. I would say he's anxious and self conscious. But actually I think he's a massive, controlling arse hole.

I don't know how you can live like this. Your poor children.

You must have known this about him when you married him? Sounds like this is part of his personality and world view.

This is something your children will remember for the rest of their lives and discuss with friends and therapists. See if he will agree to couples or individual counselling.

Exactly. I have a relation like that. Its almost sociopathic.

I grew up in a family like this. I think with my parents it was driven by high anxiety, so they were always projecting outwards and prioritising other people’s needs over their own, mostly from worry of causing upset. But there’s also something narcissistic about it too, where your children/partner are viewed as a part of you, rather than autonomous human beings, so their needs are also low priority, rather than falling in the ‘people you have to please’ group.

Growing up in a household like that left me with low self esteem and an inability to stand up for myself, as I was effectively taught my needs were secondary to the needs and feelings of others.

It's all about how he looks to the outside world. Oh that Bob he's ever so considerate. Wow, Bob is such a gem , he put out everyone's bins. He can't sustain the act at home.

I wouldnt allow him to make your children small and srink themselves for other people. Not him. Not anyone. It is a hill I would die on. Your child is allowed to take up the last space if they want to do the sport. Your child should have to apologies for existing. Your daughter is allowed to dump her boyfriend for whatever reason. She doesn't need to justify it. She doesnt need to consider his feelings. She needs to consider hers. Your H is teaching them terrible life lessons and will give them terrible self esteem. Fuck me he's meant to be on their side not some random invisible person that doesn't exist or a random boy. You are their to advocate for your kids so other people's. They have their own parents or carers for that.

It's good to teach kids about community. It's good to teach them to help out,. You do that by doing things for charity, litter picking in your community, raising money for good causes or gelping granny. You do that by not being a nuisance to others. My kids aren't aloud to shout on the jus or listen to stuff on loud speaker or put their shoes on the seat. You don't sacrifice your wants because other people might want that thing.

I wouldn't have it. He needs therapy. If he won't go I'd dump his arse. My kids feeling come above my Hs. They are children and vulnerable, and he's an adult.

The sports team one particularly stung for me

He wants the outside world to think he's a great guy.

It's just weird, very weird. Why would anyone do that to own kid.

Please don't tell me you give into his nonsense.

Please tell me you told ds to join the sports team.

I think some behaviour can be driven by anxiety. Fear of not fitting in, so excessive masking and fawning behaviour.

I didn’t leave the DC with DH if they were unwell as I was afraid he’d dither instead of calling an ambulance. He tended to think I was over reacting.