DH too considerate of other people

[cerisepink889]

My DH always puts other peoples feelings and desires before mine and kids. For example when eldest DD dumped her boyfriend it was all about her being unkind and how is ex bf going to feel now she needs to accept him for who he is. Another example when kids were little they weren't allowed to play outside as not fair on the neighbours to hear kids outside on their days off and now and now DH has decided that DS can't take the last space in his sports team as that means that there is not room for anyone else.

He does everything for everyone else he is the first person to help my nan if she needs a hand with anything and he will make sure all the neighbours bins are out on the right day but if I want him to take my youngest to a birthday party or pick up one of the older children from a party he won't do it. I can't work out why he is so considerate to other people but not to me or his children? I can't fathom him out, He says we need to think of other people before ourselves.

Can't work out if I am being selfish or not.

He’s a performative nice guy. Wants to be seen as some great hero by everyone. If it was genuine thoughtfulness and kindness it would extend to his family first but it’s all to stroke his ego. Vile.

My ex was like this.

It was all about his public image.

I used to say to people - he's not like that with me or the children.

Literally Mr Nice Guy. Women would knock on my door and ask to borrow my lovely husband to do a job for them. I lived in a half finished house.

I hope this is not your DH but he absolutely needs to put you first!

He’s a people pleaser @cerisepink889

Id explain to him that actually his level of ‘consideration’ is not about kindness, it’s actually quite selfish because it’s what makes him feel good. It’s not about how it makes others people feel at all!!! He doesn’t know other people well enough to make this judgements and actually that’s very arrogant to think he does.

Id be raging if I had a neighbour who was concerned about my bins being out on the right day. Sometimes I don’t need to put them out! I’d find it controlling and nosy and it would have the opposite effect of what he is claiming.
so is be explaining to him that actually he’s not considerate because he is not thinking of other people’s feelings at all - he’s thinking of his own validation. What are his parents like..?? He’s learnt this behaviour somewhere..

Sounds a bit like he is keeping up appearances and is more bothered by what other people think of him/the family than how he actually acts towards the family

That's an odd attitude.

My DH is a bit like this. Not as bad as yours OP but I've definitely got a few examples. Even little things like once we were on a train and he helped other people get their luggage off and let me struggle with ours... The neighbours complained about a ball being kicked into their garden so he put up a massive monstrosity net thing in ours to help prevent it happening again even though I didn't want it, it makes our garden look rubbish and it doesnt even work... He helped cut another neighbours tree down even though our garden needs more work and he hasn't done anything on it... Im sure there are other examples too.

I 100% agree this is a form of narcissism. His performative ‘good works’ get him the attention and approbation he craves and feels he deserves. Quietly taking your kids to an appointment doesn’t give him any ego strokes or public ‘goodness’ points, and is therefore not worth his time.

Denying your children places on sports teams is really twisted, and doing it under the guise of encouraging them to be ‘fair’ and ‘kind’ is particularly cruel. He’s teaching them they don’t count, that they should always put themselves last and don’t deserve to occupy their own space in the world - and if they do, they’re being unfair to some random other person.

Where the hell is your voice in all of this, though? His behaviour is setting your children up for all kinds of psychological problems, and he won’t recognise that, so you really need to step up and advocate for them.

me too - deny his son a place because it was the last one. Brought out mama bear ... this alone would cause me to question my relationship - I know how much these things mean to kids of that age.

It’s not unusual to find out that men who are “pillars of the community” are actually monsters. I’m not saying he’s a monster but having everyone else but his family think he’s wonderful is a bit disturbing. Could you point it out to him?

Either narcissism or autism. With a narcissist it's easy because they just want to perfect to the outside world. It fits in their narrative of being perceived as an incredibly kind and considerate person.

With autism it's usually a learned masking response or fawning/people pleasing behaviour. DH has this and it took me years to figure out. He's a classic case of undiagnosed childhood autism/ADHD which appears "to have grown out of" but was actually the result of becoming extremely high masking along with several privileges like being conventionally attractive, having family and financial support.

One of his masking responses is saying yes to all requests or invites from strangers or friends. He cannot differentiate between the seriousness of a request or what the opportunity cost of saying yes would be (eg helping a neighbour for a trivial task means not being able to help your wife and kids with a very important task and the latter is more important in the long run). He has social blindness but learned to mask this by simply saying yes to everything. It probably stems from early traumatic childhood experiences of being bullied & socially excluded (common experience with ND kids). Over the years, he learned that accepting invites or requests for help is always the option that is "good" and socially rewarding. Saying no comes with the risk of committing a social faux pas and being ostracised or ridiculed. DH has also bought insanely expensive things because he was told a sob story by a business owner about how sales haven't been great due to covid (this was a few years ago) but he would never dream of spending the same amount of money on close family members.

He treats friends and strangers better than wife and family because those are the people he can unmask in front of. He feels secure in just being himself at home so there's no pressure to use masking behaviour. As a wife, you're also more likely to take his needs into account and not give requests until it's too late anyway. We often have the issue that his calendar is already so full from loads of useless social things and appointments with other people that I can't logistically add my own request if I need it.

Obviously, this may not apply to your DH but it is another explanation for this behaviour. It's slightly complex through because a lot of narcissistic men have ND traits as well, and probably developed their narcissism as a coping method to get their needs met over they years. Long story short, most men are just twats. Don't need a diagnosis if it doesn't change the behaviour!

My parents were a bit like this. It was all about how things looked to other people but It wasn't true kindness because it didn't extend to within our home.

My husband also has some people pleaser tendencies but it's a bit different because he does it to have a quiet life. He had a very demanding family who would kick off if they asked for a favour and he said no. But this often left me in the lurch especially once we had children. I'd be left juggling everything, the drop offs and pick up and cooking that we usually shared because his parents demanded a last minute lift to the airport or his brother roped him in to multiple tip runs. I'm not someone who tends to kick off, I Try to be fair and reasonable but it was just ridiculous and I put my foot down in the end because I was fed up with drawing the short straw for being reasonable! He did rein it in after that.

Depends which type your husband is and what it's motivating him - public image or a quiet life?

I lived with my brother for a brief while around ten/twelve years ago, (various house sales going through) and he was also like this.

Example - he used every single egg I had just bought in the weekly shop to make elaborate omelettes for my then-young niece and nephew, who wouldn't have known any different if they'd had just one egg between them. They'd also only briefly popped round with their mother (our sister) and didn't even need to eat.

Another time he gave a six-pack of glass Coke bottles I'd bought (not cheap at all!) to some idiot friends who had popped round while drunk at midnight, as he wanted to help them feel better.

Another example, we had a gas guy come by at 5pm to fix our boiler, and my brother absolutely insisted he sit down and have dinner with us (which would have meant we all got less) but luckily he declined.

It turned out in his case that he was actually depressed, and doing that sort of stuff to my detriment and expense was his way of coping, like some sort of saviour complex.

Why are you with this man who is a White Knight Narcissist?. ASD is a triad of social impairments and is not the cause of his behaviour towards his children and in turn you.

And most men also are not twats either.

You’re married to a narcissist

Abusive men who are narcissists do the same thing over and over again and the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to leave them and not let them have any further chance to cause damage to your children and yourself

Narcissistic altruism. These men always look after everyone else first at the expense of their family.

This has gone on too long, with too many examples of putting the needs of others first. What is the point of having a family at all if they are not a priority to their own father. Very strange indeed. It’s about time this changes, for the children’s sake and yours. Missing a much desired place on a sports team for no other reason than to offer to someone else is bonkers behaviour imho. Please let us know how you get on sorting this out.

I wouldn't say that. He doesnt have any other narcissistic traits. I think it's more he wants to help others but with that, sometimes forgets that charity begins at home.

Barf.

Had an ex like that.
One of the reasons he's an ex.

My XH was one too. When anyone else was around he'd be acting the generous (with his time) ever helpful Mr Super Nice Guy'.
Behind closed doors he was a compulsive cheat and liar and very selfish. Small DIY jobs left undone but for the neighbours he'd be helping like a shot. For complete strangers he was even worse.
I saw it described here once as Street Angel/ Hearth Devil and it doesn't always apply to DV type situations. Just a complete disregard for immediate families needs and feelings.

Street angel house devil.

I agree that this is abuse.

I would be divorcing the prick.

He’s not just putting others first, he’s being actively unkind to your children. Not playing outside, not joining the team, not facilitating parties (and that’s not got anything to do with anyone else apart from inconveniencing you and the children), then undermining your DD’s relationship choices - he’s mind bogglingly awful to you all. Does he do anything nice for your family at all?

That guy who was recently jailed for driving into the crowd in Liverpool was also described as someone who would do anything to help anyone out. Like others have said, portraying a certain image to society is often very important to people who are pretty angry inside.

My DH has been like that throughout. He’s an other people pleaser and I’ve worked out it’s closely connected to his undiagnosed ADHD. It’s caused a lot of resentment in me over the years tbh. He’s a kind man though but I’ve observed the same behaviour in his mother. Helping all her neighbours out then won’t sign a form so her son can get student finance, or leaving him in uk during his GCSEs ( o levels) whilst she went on holiday. Weird behaviour!

The sports team thing is nuts.

Depriving his kids of opportunities so someone else can have them is fucking awful. He's an asshole who's more interested in looking good to others than what benefits his kids.

Telling his eldest she's unkind for breaking up with a partner is so awful. She's free to leave relationships that aren't working for her.

So are you.

I think your husband is kind of a monster.

Honestly this type of Action Man is one of the most dangerous.

I'm amazed that you've allowed him to rule the roost like this.