DH too considerate of other people

[cerisepink889]

My DH always puts other peoples feelings and desires before mine and kids. For example when eldest DD dumped her boyfriend it was all about her being unkind and how is ex bf going to feel now she needs to accept him for who he is. Another example when kids were little they weren't allowed to play outside as not fair on the neighbours to hear kids outside on their days off and now and now DH has decided that DS can't take the last space in his sports team as that means that there is not room for anyone else.

He does everything for everyone else he is the first person to help my nan if she needs a hand with anything and he will make sure all the neighbours bins are out on the right day but if I want him to take my youngest to a birthday party or pick up one of the older children from a party he won't do it. I can't work out why he is so considerate to other people but not to me or his children? I can't fathom him out, He says we need to think of other people before ourselves.

Can't work out if I am being selfish or not.

So basically he puts his ego (how other people outside the family see him) before supporting you / making your life easier / being kind to you / considering you?

Don’t you find that unbearably selfish of him?

He doesn’t want to upset people.

I hope your DS is on the team.

Isn’t it your job to balance it out and say “no DS can be on the team, someone has to fill the place” and “they can play outside if they are playing reasonably” and offer the other perspective.

He's blocking your kids from completely normal childhood activities.

Playing outside is good for them. His rationale for it not being fair to the neighbours is bullshit This is a normal, healthy childhood activity. He restricted that.

The not letting him be on the sports team is fucking bullshit. Again, he's restricting your child from a normal, healthy childhood activity to a pathologic degree.

The daughter breaking up with a BF, again, this is normal. His position would leave her vulnerable to poor treatment in relationships and abuse.

I think your husband is wildly controlling and restrictive to a point of abnormality. I think he's abusive in how he's restricted your kids.

What happens when you say no? Do you just go along ng to keep the peace?

Yes I noticed this too.

My dh can be a people pleaser...
However
your examples all cost him nothing but do control your kids to an extreme / abnormal degree that I as a mother wouldnt absolutely not tolerate.
My child would be getting put on that team today!

He's supportive, kind, caring etc to me and the family in many many ways. That list would definitely be longer. I was just giving OP some examples of where my DH did similar things to hers but as I said, nowhere near as bad.

That must be very galling. It's also the kind of thing that makes you question why they are behaving in this way. To me it seems alien.

If you're helpful and kind, then that starts with your family. It's great to be that way but you can become too much of a people pleaser. And you do not prioritise randoms over your own kids and wife.

I wish I could tell you how you can make him correct his ways. Maybe you can't.

Such an interesting thread and a lot I identify with.

DH has been known to be a chronic people pleaser but I have managed to persuade him out of that over the years. He used to be worried about the neighbours when DC were playing and making totally normal child noise...we fell out loads over this. He wouldn't confront another neighbour parking inconsiderately so as not to rock the boat and keep the peace. Infuriating behaviour but for him it wasn't due to narcissism, he is just a gentle soul, a worrier, who sees the best in everyone.

My father however is a totally different story and concerns himself way more than is necessary about all the oppressed people of the world, at the detriment of his own children. He exhibits narcissistic traits for sure and it caused much confusion to me in childhood and continues into adulthood actually - definitely didn't help me develop much self worth. Bizarre behaviour.

I'd be sitting down with your DH for a frank chat - I would not want my DC growing up in this environment.

OP you sign DS up for last space on sports course. Don't let your DS miss out because his Dad is a Pratt.

Yup. My husband, for example, will happily change the plans with some random perosn he's doing a favour for 12 times in one day, resulting in 12 calls to me becuase I have to slightly tweak my plans each time as well. Irritating but not narcissistic.

He DOES worry about the children disturbing neighbours, but can ALSO have a sensible conversation about when that is appropriate/not appropriate and agree an appropriate level of compromise.

My DH does NOT, on the other hand, treat me like shit while being nice to everyone else. He does not expect his children to live very small lives. He does not tell our children they can't take part in activities in case it inconveniences some other, random person. He does not act as if my DD is in the wrong because she doesn't want to be friends with or the girlfriend of another person. Those are all narcissistic behaviours.

This x 1000.

Your H needs to be put in his place and know that his family and their needs come first.

My child would have taken the last spot in the sport regardless of what my spouse had said.

My H would have been told to keep his mouth shut and that his response to dd breaking up with her bf was inappropriate.

He'd have been told very clearly that he needs to adjust his thoughts and behaviour very quickly or else divorce would be imminent.

You have to stand up for your kids, it doesn't matter what he says. If you just go along with it, you're reinforcing it and frankly I feel his behaviour is abusive. They're going to grow up thinking their own feelings and needs don't matter if this continues and will end up with partners who treat them similarly (or they will repeat the behaviour themselves). For me this would be grounds to end the marriage.

For example when eldest DD dumped her boyfriend it was all about her being unkind and how is ex bf going to feel now she needs to accept him for who he is.

How did you and your daughter respond to this?

Your poor boy as well!

Charity begins at home they say.

"What are his parents like..?? He’s learnt this behaviour somewhere.."

Yes, I'm also imagining very strict, status-conscious parents. Not economic status, but status/reputation in the community.

I also have a relative like this and they are 100% sociopathic. An obsession with appearing kind and considerate to the outside world, but an utter dick behind closed doors.

But the examples you gave are of appalling behaviour? He let you struggle with luggage while helping others. He defaced your garden so as to not inconvenience your neighbours slightly. Your garden is a mess that he won’t fix but he goes and helps someone else out with theirs.

Do you not view this behaviour as highly problematic in a relationship / family?

People who do this are often really manipulate, I bet he would describe himself as a nice guy.

It's all for selfish gain, so people will like him and think he's lovely, meanwhile he's neglecting his partner and children

Eurgh

Looking back now there were lots of little things. I had to send my children into school sick as he wouldn't let me have time off work or take time off himself so as not to annoy his boss. He is nice to everyone. He also lets people go in front of him in the supermarket which is a real bugbare of mine.

We have discussed it before and he gets scared that if you piss people off they come and key his car or throw a brick through the window. He has seen this happen when he was a teenager (he wont go into detail!!) so he thinks that if you don't keep people happy even at your and your family's expense they will come and get you.

He will be late home tonight as he needs to check on my nan - she s fine I spoke to her earlier - he says nobody cares about her because she is old and my aunties and uncles just leave her be but she is very independent and able so she doesn't need constant check ins!!!

DH used to be like this. It came to a head when he'd been away for work all week when the DC were pre schoolers. Then volunteered to do a community project on the Saturday. I basically told him that if we were on the Titanic he'd have run around saving everyone else and let his wife and children drown. He definitely likes the kudos of everyone saying how marvellous he is for all the community work.....

Cares more about how he looks to other people than how his (unimportant) wife and kids feel.

He's not nice or considerate.

That's behaviour he saves for other people to prop his outside facade of mr nice guy. To you and your kids, he's mean and insanely controlling.

He's not your master. He wouldn't let you take time off work to take care of your sick kids, you have an equal say in what happens in your household. People aren't going to come and brick his house or harm him if you take care of a sick child instead of going to work or he lets his kid join a sports team, that's seriously disordered thinking right there. Do you see how far from normal that sounds?

What happens when you say no to him?

I think your husband is abusive to you and your children.

I'm on the fence because your examples could also sound like a kind empathic person.
For example, if your teen is being cruel its right to tell remind her to be kind..if your kid is not actually into a sport but will take it half heartedly i agree its raking away a place from someone who might appreciate it more. Playing kids are annoying af they get so loud and its a nice neighbourly thing to keep indoors so neighbours can enjoy a lie in. Letting people go first is a nice gesture that brightens someones day. It could be you're just more self centred than him. I wish more people were like your husband the world definitely needs it as you can see by the comments .

Ooh, more narcissistic behaviours here ... victim mentality, disordered thinking/paranoia....

If he's just a damaged person, counselling might help. If you made it clear that the damage he is doing to you and your children is huge and if he doesn't stop you will have to leave.

But, sadly, I suspect hes not just a damaged person. Narcissists dont take responsibility dor their own actions or behaviours. Their disordered thinking is so entrenched they simply cant see any other viewpoint. Even more sadly, it IS often as a result of childhood trauma or similar and the person is not only NOT doing it on purpose, they have no ability to even recognise it. Destroying their own lives and the lives of the people around them in the process.

But its not about how he looks, otherwise wouldn't be calling DD out and reminding her of empathy or telling his son not to take a last spot presumably because he knows his son's heart isn't even in it, it's mean and selfish to take the last of something you don't even actually want or can commit to .. that is called parenting and instilling kindness and empathy..and the whole illness thing, he probably wasn't convinced that it deserved a day off school, lots of kids fake it and some parents are too lax and maybe lazy in allowing it.

What did you actually do when he started with his controlling and misogynistic attitude on your daughter?
She didn’t want to be with a man anymore, so ended the relationship and he actually told her that she was wrong to do that and should put that boy ahead of her own wants and needs so as not to upset him? Do you actually realise how awful that is? How controlling, how dangerous?

Did you shout him down and defend her and confirm to her that she was absolutely right and always will be when it comes to leaving a man she doesn’t want?

Your husband is the type of man who would choose an abuser over his own daughter. You read on here about women who leave an abusive relationship but their own parents side with the man who beat her… that’s your husband. And you’ve stayed with him? Your poor daughter.

What is this tripe? This cannot be a genuine post.

This thread also reminds me of an old boyfriend who, upon hearing a good idea of mine for something to do together, would immediately say “let’s see if the boys are interested in doing this” (meaning his friends). As if I wasn’t worthy of doing exciting things with. He soon became an ex.