Ex has new baby - cultural issues - feeling hurt

[Sanpellegrino1]

reposting for traffic - is it weird to feel my pride / ego / whatever else is hurt by this?
Ex and I broke up during COVID he stated he could not marry me as I was a white British woman and he was from a muslim country and from a traditonal family. He was the love of my life. I spent years pining for him, eventually got over it and now I am married and expecting.
I have since found out he is ‘in a relationship’ on social media with a white British woman and they have had a baby unplanned out of wedlock.
I just feel he must have lied to me about the reasons for tbe breakup and it is has opened up all the scars again. I genuinely thought the next time I knew of him in a relationship would be an arranged marriage with someone from the same culture. I feel really weird about it?
Any advice please

You've had a lucky escape. You could have been the next woman, who is now tied to him with a baby and might well get left when he decides (or his family does) he needs to find a good Muslim woman to marry. If that happens, she'll be a single parent and her DC won't see much, if anything of him, because a mixed race child out of wedlock won't get included in the new family setup.

Block him so you aren't seeing his updates any more and move on with your life. The best I can say for this man is he's conflicted and torn between traditional values and living a more modern western life, but in doing so, he's hurt you and is potentially going to do the same to someone else.

The reason why you originally split up is part of how you processed the breakup and ultimately got over it. Now that reasoning is debatable, your brain can start ruminating whether you really were ‘the problem’ all along and any self confidence issues you have will bubble up again. It’s understandable esp when you first find out.

If it helps, I don’t necessarily think he lied to begin with - maybe he wasn’t ready to settle down and get married so kept dating after you broke up and ended up expecting. That then changed everything because he was going to be a dad.

As hard as it is, try not to overthink it. Yes, maybe it was an excuse to end things but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he’s insanely happy with his new partner or maybe it’s complicated. Try to focus on your little family and what you are building together.

He doesn't sound like a great guy, but if he was he'd never have dated you in the first place, if he'd really had no plans to marry you.

Jog on with your racist stereotypes.

Thank your lucky stars you aren't in her situation.

He can walk away from her and the child at any point. I doubt his "traditional" family know about the baby, and he will probably marry someone they approve of and have children he can acknowledge.

Bullet dodged.

It’s entirely possible this baby wasn’t planned and the relationship between your ex’s new partner and child and his traditional extended family is either non existent or extremely strained.
Even if your ex is all in with this relationship, the wider family context probably hasn’t disappeared.

The only difference is she let herself get pregnant by him, I doubt he chose to, he hasn’t yet married someone of the same culture because he’s not ready to settle down permanently not because he wanted to marry her.

No, he hasn't married yet because his parents haven't put their foot down. But they will and some sweet young lady from the heritage country will appear overnight. He knows it and is just playing the field until the "clean" girl comes along and takes care of him. Her father will no doubt appreciate the payment as well, especially if she will be given a passport. Thats life.

I don't know why you and so many posters jump to him having lied. Maybe he just grew up and realised that he didn't have to kow tow to his family. Maybe he just grew some balls.

I think this could be the case too -

When we were breaking up and his family had intervened his mother was sending him pictures and screenshots of middle eastern eligible woman - they knew I was sitting beside him and upset as we were breaking up but they wasted no time in finding ‘suitable’ matches for him. None of which he has ended up with obviously as he now has this baby. I remember he was quite upset and tearful at the breakup. Maybe it was enough for him to make sure it would never happen again? Who knows as a PP said I will never find out.

You could find out.. just ask him? Meet up for a coffee somewhere. Contrary to mumsnet opinion, we are all adults and entitled to speak to who we want to, its two humans having a conversation. Jesus.

My niece fell in love with a Muslim man. They had 2 DC together. He seemed hands on and invested in their relationship. Out of the blue his father told him he should marry this Muslim woman and he just left my niece and his 2 DC who were 4 and 2 and married this woman he had only met twice. He cut all contact with his kids. They live in same town and my niece sees him occasionally with his wife and 2 new DC. She has not moved on and I think still thinks he might come back to her. You have married and pregnant, you should not be affected by your ex. He has chosen another white woman for now, doesn't mean he would not ditch her if his family decided he should marry another Muslim woman.

There’s no way of knowing:

• Maybe he just wasn’t that into you and used it as an excuse
• Or the breakup was tough for him too, he regretted it and realised too late that he’s made a mistake by putting culture before love. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake again
• or he was truthful and he won’t marry the new woman for the same reason, the pregnancy was accidental and nothing he can do about that right now

Honestly, I’d pick whichever explanation gives me most peace, then remove him from social media and focus on your family.

I would doubt he would bother replying

You've had a lucky escape because he lied to you about you not being the one for him. You clearly felt more for him than he felt for you. Reframe it. You're with someone who wants a relationship and kids with you.

I have ended up in a much better position and I have been very lucky.
I guess I just needed a bit of time to process and accept the situation.
I think I agree with a few PP I have had a lucky escape.

I may have missed it, but what happened to the fast track to the maternity MH team? I realize that was only a couple of weeks ago, but if you're seeing someone, surely they have given you suggestions on dealing with this.

You've had a lot to deal with in the past month or two. Now is not the time to brood over unresolved feelings from years ago. You have more important things to do. You owe it to yourself, your dh, and your shortly-arriving baby to compartmentalize this

A counselor gave me some advice; it works for most things you might obsess about. It definitely worked for me.

(I'm paraphrasing.) *This can't be a priority for you at this moment. Right now you don't have the time, energy, or headspace to spend on a problem from years ago. There are more immediate things to take care of.

So visualize this: take your confusion about that situation and put it in a mental box, high on a shelf in your brain, and leave it there for now. Don't give it any headspace.

Later on, at least after your baby's first year, your counselor or therapist will help you. Spend a session with them, taking the box out of the closet, and going through it with them. Then put it back, and again, leave it there.

Give your mind another break for a long spell, and if you still haven't found peace about it, wait for another session when you are feeling strong enough to work through this and find resolution.

Leave the mess from years ago in the past. It's really nothing for you to fret about now. Put all this away for the time being, knowing you can come back to it in the future.

Do this:
• Resolve to mentally put this away in a box.
• Leave it there.
• Prioritize the things that are really important and necessary.
• Work on those.
• Concentrate on current people and issues.
• Life will change so much. Let yourself fall in absolute love with your baby.
•Live in the moment. You won't want to miss anything!

Good luck and congratulations to the three of you! 😊🌹