Male colleague - am I deluded?!

[Carribeanblue]

Sorry in advance for the long post! I’ve worked in a male dominated company for 10 years - been WFH for the past 2 years due to office closures. For the 8 years spent in the office my normal day to day working life was conversing round the coffee machine with mainly male colleagues, going out for lunches together etc. Since WFH we all regularly talk about how we miss the social element of going to the office & look forward to events like work conferences where we can all catch up. I’ve always got on really well with one of my male colleagues in particular & he’s become what I’d class as a mate.

I’ve had a serious illness for the past year & every few months he will send me a text to check how I am & tell me some work related gossip to give me a laugh. He’s about 15 years my senior & I’ve spent 10 years hearing about his lovely family holidays, talking about kids, exchanging advice about work & building a friendship. He suggested we meet for a coffee about 6 months ago - it was great to see him & brought back that sense of office camaraderie. He said it was reassuring that I was doing so well considering my diagnosis & that it would be nice to check in again one day to see how I was getting on. So the months have passed, a couple of funny work related messages have been exchanged in between & we decided to go for coffee again.

My partner has hit the roof. He said that it’s incredibly weird to meet up with a male colleague twice in a year & I’m being blind to what’s going on. He’s effectively saying my colleague, or my friend should I say, is grooming me & that men only ever want one thing. I was completely gutted that my partner reacted like this but even worse I am now doubting myself. My work mate & I have travelled all round the world as part of a bigger team for years. We had worked in an office for all of those years too & have spent goodness knows how many coffee breaks & lunchtimes together. Surely if he had some grand plan to woo me, something very obvious would have cropped up over the last 10 years, right?! There has never been any behaviour from him that is remotely untoward but I’m now sat here questioning my own sanity. I know it’s an age old question, but can men & women be platonic friends?! I firmly believe they can but my partner is livid & is acting as if we’ve had a decade long affair! Can a male work colleague of 10 years sincerely care about their female co-worker who has had a rough year? I know if it was the other way round I’d be really worried about him & want to check in, as I would with a handful of other colleagues. Am I deluded?!

Of course men and women can be friends. My two closest male friends are from previous workplaces. Your partner is being a loon.

As a bisexual I can confidently say that I have friends of both sexes that I do not have any sexual attraction for, and have friendships with them that have never gone anywhere.

it says more about your partner than men in general.

Yes, of course people can care about others with no romantic overtones. Your partner sounds horrible and controlling and only apparently sees women as something to shag.

Mind you, having read another post on here about a similar thing, many women don’t believe men and women can be friends.

Seems a shame to me as they’re missing out. One of my very close work friends is 20yrs older than me, male, married and has grown up children.

Your partner sounds jealous and has a pretty low opinion of men, are you in touch with any other colleagues. Ideally you can continue this friendship, maybe all get together with your families but your partner has already made his mind up so the chances of that are zero. You are not deluded, is your partner jealous of your female friends, does he have any friends himself.

Massively OTT. I have a male colleague who I’m incredibly fond of. DH and I both work from home and he jokes he can tell by my smile I’m messaging the colleague.

But he knows there’s zero romantic interest whatsoever and just colleagues who get on and have a similar sense of humour.

What possible difference would that make to an annual coffee with a colleague?

your partner is being ridiculous. There are lots of people who are uncomfortable with mixed sex friendships etc etc, but even within that cohort, I really can't see how a male colleague you've worked with for THIS long, for years in the actual office, is someone you can't catch up with.

As I say on any thread like this, I suspect this is the tip of your DH's controlling and ridiculous behaviour, most of which you've barely noticed. it's only when it becomes so obviously egregious that you start to think, "hang on".

I almost always vote no on coworkers meeting up alone outside of work.

But this is a bit of a different situation. You've been quite ill with a chronic illness for a year now and working from home. I think going for coffee with a colleague you've known for years and exchanged a couple emails with on a friend level is fine. You've been a bit socially isolated and this can help with that.

So I wouldn't have a problem with this.

it says more about your partner than men in general.
I would question your DH's point of view. Does he not have female colleagues? Or female friends? Strange he can only imagine desire being a part of this scenario.
For what it worth, my DH had a female colleague who he would occasionally meet up with just for a catch up over coffee when they had changed job roles. She had gone on to be one of my closest friends despite me not meeting her for the first few years of their friendship.

You have now seen how your husband's mind works - he can't see women as friends and only as sexual (or possibly romantic) conquests. He knows his own tricks best as they say.

Yes you can have platonic friends

I'm late 50s, I have a work colleague in his 40s that I'm friends with (like I'm friends with the rest of the small team I work in ) - I go to lunch or coffee with him - he talks about his daughter, politics etc etc and I talk about my husband and I holiday ideas, my son, tv etc etc etc - I don't think it's weird and neither does my DH

These replies are so reassuring, thank you everyone! I know deep down that my partner is clearly incredibly insecure to think this way, but you know when it sows a seed & then you start to doubt yourself? I don’t want to stop seeing my work friend. WFH is incredibly lonely & if a coffee every few months makes working in isolation 99% of the time that bit easier, then so be it. It’s just so sad as I now feel that I’m going to have to ‘hide’ this relationship & almost not mention his name in our household Lord Voldemort style! I’m already dreading our next long haul work trip where I will no doubt be asked “is HE going?” I trust myself, period. I obviously need to deal with my partner & his insecurities but want to make sure I’m not being utterly blind only to find my partner was right in a years time when my work mate finally acts after 10 years!!

He is judging your friends actions by his own morals. He is telling you HE only wants one things from women and therefore could never be friends with them.

@Carribeanblue How long have you been with your partner?

You mention his insecurities.... what else is he insecure about?

I feel for you OP as I myself get on better with men then women as I hate the bitchiness that women can be like. I also have a friend, an ex male work colleague who left a few years ago but we message regularly on social media and send each other silly reels as we have a similar sense of humour. My husband knows all about it, ill often tell him that my friend has commented on the latest football scores (both support the same team). Somtimes I wonder am I being out of order having this male friend, but I would happily show my husband the messages as its purely platonic, both talk about our children and the good old work days. My husband has never asked to see these messages because he trusts me and I've never given him any reason not to. I dont think its fair u should chuck away a friendship because your partner is insecure. What does your friends wife think of the friendship?

He's not telling you he doesn't trust the motives of your colleague, he's telling you that he doesn't trust you.

Sorry trying to catch up on some questions being asked. Yes, my partner & I have two young children together. My partner & I have been together for 10 years, literally met the same year I started this job. Partner works in a male dominated environment too, but I’m in the ‘corporate’ office (well used to be office!) world whereas his work life is more hands on labourer style, if that makes sense!

I had a male colleague friend once. We would have the occasional lunch (sandwich and coffee in a cafe). He was married, I was single and there was absolutely no interest on either of our parts for any romance. We just got on and had a laugh. It fizzled over time due to no SM then and moving around. It was genuinely 100% platonic. So it can happen, just not in every case.

This says far more about your partner.
I have a close male friend, who I've known for over 10 years. We've had days out together, meals out, and he's visited my home both when DH is here and when he's not. Likewise I've been to his home in company and alone.
There is no romantic feeling and most definitely no attraction.
Similarly, DH has a close female friend who he's known for 15+ years, an ex-colleague. They meet up from time to time. I've met her, been to her house, she's been here.

I think it's far more telling if people say that friendships can't be between opposite sexes as it implies they feel that either people can't control themselves, or that they're irresistible, and that all relationships if not same-sex are inherently sexual.

I have alarm bells ringing. You have young children, and have had some health issues. I can't help wondering if you've spent the vast bulk of the last 10 years basically being 100% available to him, and now, the moment you start to spread your wings a tiny bit he's throwing his toys out the cot.

It's a pattern I've seen before. Children start to get a bit older, woman decides to get back into making friends/ new career / joining a gym.... and suddenly all hell breaks loose. I bet its not just THIS colleague is it? Does he hate it when you go out for an evening with girlfriends? Or question your choice of clothing? Or complain you don't have time for him because you're spending time with family/ have joined an exercise class etc?

Your DP sounds like the kind of man who will react exactly as he did and say “men are only after one thing”, but also say “not all men” if you ever dare to complain about an action such as rape &/or violence that is common to men.

They want it both ways, I.e. “all men think the same, but not me I’m different.”

So is it ALL men, him included and therefore he can’t speak to any women without fancying them? Or is it SOME men, in which case it’s fine for you to have a coffee with a male friend?

I’d be really worried if my partner behaved like yours, so insecure and jealous. I mean the cringe factor alone in what he’s said would give me the utter ick. Personally I’d calmly tell him he’d no need to be worried, I’m a grown up and can have friends of both sexes. If he continued I’d tell him to go fuck himself and make it dinner with my mate and an over night stay in a hotel.

never let a man control you or who you can be friends with. Ever.