Male colleague - am I deluded?!

[Carribeanblue]

Sorry in advance for the long post! I’ve worked in a male dominated company for 10 years - been WFH for the past 2 years due to office closures. For the 8 years spent in the office my normal day to day working life was conversing round the coffee machine with mainly male colleagues, going out for lunches together etc. Since WFH we all regularly talk about how we miss the social element of going to the office & look forward to events like work conferences where we can all catch up. I’ve always got on really well with one of my male colleagues in particular & he’s become what I’d class as a mate.

I’ve had a serious illness for the past year & every few months he will send me a text to check how I am & tell me some work related gossip to give me a laugh. He’s about 15 years my senior & I’ve spent 10 years hearing about his lovely family holidays, talking about kids, exchanging advice about work & building a friendship. He suggested we meet for a coffee about 6 months ago - it was great to see him & brought back that sense of office camaraderie. He said it was reassuring that I was doing so well considering my diagnosis & that it would be nice to check in again one day to see how I was getting on. So the months have passed, a couple of funny work related messages have been exchanged in between & we decided to go for coffee again.

My partner has hit the roof. He said that it’s incredibly weird to meet up with a male colleague twice in a year & I’m being blind to what’s going on. He’s effectively saying my colleague, or my friend should I say, is grooming me & that men only ever want one thing. I was completely gutted that my partner reacted like this but even worse I am now doubting myself. My work mate & I have travelled all round the world as part of a bigger team for years. We had worked in an office for all of those years too & have spent goodness knows how many coffee breaks & lunchtimes together. Surely if he had some grand plan to woo me, something very obvious would have cropped up over the last 10 years, right?! There has never been any behaviour from him that is remotely untoward but I’m now sat here questioning my own sanity. I know it’s an age old question, but can men & women be platonic friends?! I firmly believe they can but my partner is livid & is acting as if we’ve had a decade long affair! Can a male work colleague of 10 years sincerely care about their female co-worker who has had a rough year? I know if it was the other way round I’d be really worried about him & want to check in, as I would with a handful of other colleagues. Am I deluded?!

Has this colleague reached out to his former, older male colleagues or just you OP? The 15 years younger only female?

That's just silly. If you befriend a colleague outside the workplace, do you also check whether they are also befriending other colleagues?

This is just shoring up the favourite Mn myth that men never befriend their male colleagues, or women colleagues who are considered unfuckable because they're old or fat (the horror!).

Yes, he has socialised with other male colleagues in the past & is close to one guy in particular who he regularly meets up with for a drink. Since we joined the company 10 years ago, the majority of our original colleagues have retired or left the business, so there are only a very small handful of us ‘veterans’ still at the company. And since WFH lots of new people have joined the business but 99% of them we have never met in person so that bond isn’t there.

A rough year needs alot of care and support for loved ones and friends.

Your partner is a jealous loon. I’m in a corporate and male dominated industry, i was just thinking this year I had to do better at having random coffees with random men I mean colleagues and work contacts, as well as my regular romantic coffees with the men in my team. When I travelled more id meet with men for early morning jogs, and of course go to dinner together. No actual romance involved, I’ve been married a long time and never even considered cheating.

In your case a group vets lunch sounds great

Male here(Sorry) I’m 62 years old married 4 Children 11 Grandchildren for context.Woman can be friends with men but from my experience men only get friendly with women because in the back of their minds their will at some point be a chance they will get sex with them,it could be years of waiting but it’s always the case.Men have sisters,mother,cousins etc to be friends with.Its just biology I’m afraid.My sister has had Gay friends for years that suddenly years later started trying it on.Men between 15 and 60 are mainly interested in sex,every thing they do for you is just lining things up for later.Sorry

You have an excellent choice of username because that is a proper load of old drivel.

Gay men don't suddenly hit on women for a start.

Men and women can be friends without sex being a factor for either because not every person is attracted to every other person. Gay men aren't attracted to all men, straight men aren't attracted to all women, straight women aren't attracted to all men (you see where I'm going here).

You're judging by your standard and that just speaks to the fact that you would jump at the chance of sex with a woman other than your wife if given the chance. It says nothing about anyone else.

Aside from the rubbish you're spouting, does it even matter if a man and woman are having coffee and the man is hoping one day she might fancy him back? Because him fancying her doesn't automatically mean he gets her. She's a person in her own right with her own mind who makes her own choices. She would have to also want to have sex with him, and in this case, she doesn't. So where's the issue for her and her partner? It's not with her...

My closest work friends are predominantly male. All have wives and children, similar age to mine. Never any suggestion of anything untoward.

Shame he’s a long term partner with kids involved, as if he’d been new I’d say put him straight in the bin. Major red flag to see his insecurity exerting itself as control!!

Of course men and women can be friends. I work in a male industry too. The majority of my day, meetings and travel are with men. I don’t think twice about breakfast/lunch/coffee/dinner/drinks 1:1 with a male colleague. I’d take a dim view if DH ever commented on it.

I have been subject to sexual harassment several times but that was from a minority of bad apples over a long career. Vast majority of the colleagues I like and spend time with are funny, kind, intelligent and good company.

Have you thought he might be playing away himself OP? His insecurity could be a reflection of his own guilt. How strange it’s a big issue for him now.

Ah the old 'it's just biology" thing, how sad.

I thought it was not all men....

And just another man who can't seem to accept that women have agency in these matters, every man that I've ever even shared a hello with might want to have sex with me (I highly doubt it) but guess what? I didn't so therefore I haven't, choices you see.

Did your sister not say thanks but no thanks to her 'gay' freinds? So no harm done, she is either disappointed and ends the friendship or he's suitably sorry and accepts the boundaries and they move on.

If this happened to OP her husband still doesn't need to worry about the other man, he only needs to trust his wife, end of

It feels like I’m going off at a tangent from the original post, sorry (!), but I feel this has become such a huge issue to him now because in recent months I’ve started to be vocal about feeling upset in our relationship. I didn’t & still don’t feel supported by him during my serious illness, major surgery & the aftermath. I feel like I’ve found my voice after going through something so life changing. Anyway, one major thing I pointed out is that he provides no emotional support to me. I can’t help but feel that he can see I’m slipping away & that the meet up with my colleague has made his threat level alarm start ringing. It’s a completely separate event, but I think in his head he’s put 2 & 2 together & come out with 5. I’m making sure to surround myself by friends & family who bring me joy & positivity because life is too short. I think he’s almost aggrieved that I’m getting these things from people that aren’t him & my work mate meet up was the spark that lit his fuse.

He can see you preparing to check out of the relationship if he doesn't start providing you with what you need (whether you know that's what you're doing or not). And rather than work to keep you or make you happy he's snapped into jealous panic mode.

@Carribeanblue Can a male work colleague of 10 years sincerely care about their female co-worker who has had a rough year?

Highly unlikely he is looking for a relationship as you have said this has been going on for 10 years (no one has that patience), and that he already has a family and children. In all probability, this is simply a senior employee making sure that a junior employee is getting on OK and able to perform their job.

You may not want to hear it especially if he is considerably older than you (and you probably see him like a father figure) but just from reading your comment I would say he does have an interest in you other than professionally. I certainly understand your partner’s concern. If I was in your situation I would be polite and civil towards this man but I would definitely keep my distance, especially if you are happy in your own relationship. This man is probably bored in his marriage or his relationship with his wife has hit a rocky patch. If he asks why you don’t want to meet up tell him you don’t feel up to it because of your health problems. You have got a real good excuse by using your health issues as a reason not to meet him.

It would leave me wondering what my partner was getting up to

Usually the accusations are a reflection of his actions

I have one female best friend and one male best friend. Both made at work. I’m also bisexual. So by your partner’s logic I should have no friends.

it’s jealous madness

I have a regular monthly lunch 'date' with a male colleague. We go for a walk, talk about the children, talk about psychology, and science and life. Have done this routinely since I've been at the company. My partner has similar relationships with his colleagues. Infact, he is in Ireland next month for a hiking trip with one female and one (gay) male ex-colleague. However will I trust him *sarcasm

Sometimes our partners can pick up things that we don’t realise. Your last post gives more context. Sounds like your friend has more EI than your husband. And you have had a tough time medically which makes one evaluate everything.

Million dollar question but do you find him attractive? If you were single and he was, would you consider him? How would you feel if your DP had a similar attractive work colleague he was away with a lot etc?

My observation of men being friends with women and going out their way to be helpful and understanding is that they find them attractive. Even if they have no immediate plans to act upon it. And are happily married.

Your partner is the problem. Your further post explaining that you have vocalised how uncaring he has been when he should have stepped up has made him indignant that you've criticised him and may be checking out. Finding something to "blame you for" is an immature way of hitting back and laying the foundations to tell everyone that (if you split) the reason was that you were "seeing one of your male colleagues".

I think it's unlikely (though not impossible) that your colleague is "after" you. If he had that sort of aim he would surely more likely have tried his luck on one of the work trips abroad. Far more likely that he enjoys your company and the banter you have had for years.

Ive had several close friendships with (usually older) men over the years. They were usually based around work or some mutual interest. None of these associations ever had any romantic interest for me. One was with an antique dealer and we often went to auctions and antique fairs together (I dont drive). He lived a short drive away and invited me to have meals at his house several times. So I met his wife and family. One day his wife phoned me and in a very snitty tone accused me of carrying on with her husband. I denied it.

I did not see my friend for several months until we met again at an antiqur fair. The friendship recommenced (behind his wifes back). The association only petered out when I left the city to attend uni as a mature student. We met up in my uni city a few times but my life had moved in another direction. Ive had other relationships with other (married) men based on a mutual love of art and culture. I had no shame about that. I knew we were doing nothing wrong and the man was old enough to choose his own friends.

He sounds very immature. That coupled with the lack of support isn't great. If he wasn't your children's father would you still be with him?

I think he does sound caring and like he is just looking out for you and your husband sounds ott about it. However I can’t help but notice the double standards on this thread regarding friendships between male and female colleagues. There is a thread almost every single day about someone’s husband being friends with a female colleague and the replies are always LTB he is having an emotional affair he is not prioritising his family etc etc . It’s just strange

‘… hate the bitchiness that women can be like.’

Thats absolutely your bias.

I’ve worked with lovely men and women, and a couple of odd sorts of both sex. It’s simply not true that women are difficult and men are cool.

That’s a lot of assumptions 😂