Male colleague - am I deluded?!

[Carribeanblue]

Sorry in advance for the long post! I’ve worked in a male dominated company for 10 years - been WFH for the past 2 years due to office closures. For the 8 years spent in the office my normal day to day working life was conversing round the coffee machine with mainly male colleagues, going out for lunches together etc. Since WFH we all regularly talk about how we miss the social element of going to the office & look forward to events like work conferences where we can all catch up. I’ve always got on really well with one of my male colleagues in particular & he’s become what I’d class as a mate.

I’ve had a serious illness for the past year & every few months he will send me a text to check how I am & tell me some work related gossip to give me a laugh. He’s about 15 years my senior & I’ve spent 10 years hearing about his lovely family holidays, talking about kids, exchanging advice about work & building a friendship. He suggested we meet for a coffee about 6 months ago - it was great to see him & brought back that sense of office camaraderie. He said it was reassuring that I was doing so well considering my diagnosis & that it would be nice to check in again one day to see how I was getting on. So the months have passed, a couple of funny work related messages have been exchanged in between & we decided to go for coffee again.

My partner has hit the roof. He said that it’s incredibly weird to meet up with a male colleague twice in a year & I’m being blind to what’s going on. He’s effectively saying my colleague, or my friend should I say, is grooming me & that men only ever want one thing. I was completely gutted that my partner reacted like this but even worse I am now doubting myself. My work mate & I have travelled all round the world as part of a bigger team for years. We had worked in an office for all of those years too & have spent goodness knows how many coffee breaks & lunchtimes together. Surely if he had some grand plan to woo me, something very obvious would have cropped up over the last 10 years, right?! There has never been any behaviour from him that is remotely untoward but I’m now sat here questioning my own sanity. I know it’s an age old question, but can men & women be platonic friends?! I firmly believe they can but my partner is livid & is acting as if we’ve had a decade long affair! Can a male work colleague of 10 years sincerely care about their female co-worker who has had a rough year? I know if it was the other way round I’d be really worried about him & want to check in, as I would with a handful of other colleagues. Am I deluded?!

In retaliation to something he didn't like me doing, it would be petty and passive aggressive.

Read my other posts, he regularly catches up with women from the admin team on his site that he gets on well with. Some of these are 20 years younger than him and will pop into his office for a chat about the kids and a coffee.

I have no issue with this. He has no issue when I go for lunch on office days with any of the men I am friends with from work.

Some of us trust our spouses and our relationships.

Nope still not convinced.

Even if op's h had known her from her being a teen and then struck up an external friendship, away from work, I don't believe she would be happy.

She would feel threatened.

Luckily you don't have to be convinced, and you can throw about all the 'whats ifs' you want but only the OP knows how she'd feel

Your husband is being unreasonable. I have a very close work pal 15 years my senior who has been my office bud for 20 years+. He's recently retired and so far we've met once per month for lunch! His wife and my husband don't bat an eyelid. We're friends and nothing more.

He’s being ridiculous! My DH has several colleagues and ex colleagues, male and female that he sees outside of work.

It’s not unusual for them to meet for lunch or for drinks after work. Often in a little group, but also 1:1 of one of them is going to be unexpectedly working in the vicinity for some reason. He also sometimes gets calls from ex colleagues for career advice/next steps or asking if there’s an opening where he works and he will often suggest a catch up over drinks or dinner to talk it over. I can assure you that he’s not grooming anyone!! Some of these friends he only sees once in a while but there are definitely some he sees two or three times a year. It’s a complete non event in my view!

2 coffees a year is hardly a hot passionate start of an affair.
If it got more frequent and was always just the two of you I could maybe see why your partner would be worried about it.

But I think it's fine. Bear in mind your male friend might well fancy you but unless he starts confiding in you about his marriage being bad and his wife not understanding him.... you're fine!

Frankly if my husband thought I was able to be groomed as a fully grown adult woman I’d be insulted and I’d tell him he’s being controlling and patronising. Then I would ask which of his female colleagues he’d been flirting with because it’s clearly a case of pot and kettle.

Your husband is being absurd.

And before anyone asks: yes, my DP does meet up with female colleagues occasionally and no, I don’t give a shit. One of the things I like about him is that he gets on well with women. Before we got together I actually noticed that he was someone who chatted incredibly easily and naturally with women as well as men and I liked the fact that he didn’t act differently around men and women.

I have lots of male friends. My two absolute closest friends are women, but my oldest friend is a man - we’ve been friends for 43 years and counting. He has a wife and three daughters. I have lots of male friends through work and shared interests. None of them have ever indicated that they fancy me; they all know I’ve got a lovely partner and most of them also have wives or girlfriends.

Oh, don’t be ridiculous. You might feel threatened, but don’t make assumptions about other people’s feelings. You have no idea what other people feel about things and it’s weirdly egocentric to imagine that all women have the same feelings as you.

In this particular case her husband feels threatened.

She has been advised to ignor him.

I'm only saying if her husband decides to do the same she should not get upset.

Is that ok for you.

Actually you said that she would feel threatened, not that she shouldn't.

Very different things.

It’s fascinating reading everyone’s varying views. It does bring up the question of where does the line get drawn? We have a lovely elderly man that lives on our street. He’s a delight to chat to & if he asked me in for a cup of tea & a natter I would gladly accept. So where does jealously & insecurity end? Once the opposite sex is over retirement age? We have a very exuberant postman who loves to stop & talk to everyone on our street, including myself. He’s probably in his early 50’s. Come to think of it my partner has made comments about him being too friendly to me too. I’ve literally spoken to the postman for probably a grand total of 10 minutes over 2 years. It’s only on reflection that I’m recognising all of this. I think it’s a great suggestion of having a meet up with my friend, his wife, my partner & I to alleviate his concerns, but deep down I don’t think that will resolve the real issue here.

OP, do you earn a lot more than your partner? I wonder if so, whether he thinks that's because you are a woman - you are promoted because people fancy you or to make up a quota.

Does his wife know that you meet up for coffee and the communication since stopping work togther.

This - it says more about him than you.

It also shows he doesn’t think you have boundaries or can push off a man making a play for you.

My husband keeps in touch with female members of his team since her retired. No issue here.

But if he suddenly decides to do the same it's not the same thing is it, beacuse it's not innocent if he's doing it just to even things up

Plus OP doesn't have to manage her husbands feelings, he's a grown man, and 'hitting the roof' as OP says he has done is not very emotionally mature.

Surely just a I don't really feel comfortable with it is a much better response all round, no shouting, no evening things up just communication. But there's a line between not feeling comfortable and control, it's a fine one too. From a few of her responses I feel OP knows her husband is not being reasonable

Sorry if I've missed it; how long have you been with your partner? I'm just wondering why, after nearly a decade, he's decided to lose his reason over your perfectly normal and platonic friendship, or if he's threatened because you've known your friend longer than your partner has been around?
Either way, fuck that noise and don't change a thing. Your partner resenting you having support and friendship during a shitty time in your life is incredibly selfish.

I have a close male friend. We used to work in the same team and when we both retired, we continued to meet up for quite boozy lunches.

we were both single, but in no way sexually attracted to each other.

he met a lovely woman through his volunteering work and I suggested he invite her to our monthly lunches, just in case she might see me as some kind of threat. He did and now, 10 years later they are married and we all still meet up (though these days are a lot less boozy, due to both out health issues). I reckon she and I are probably at least as good friends as he and I where.

I think you've missed the bus on doing this with your husband.

I also think he's a prat for jumping to the conclusion he has. It says so much more about him than it does about you and your friend.

I personally do think men quite often 'hold a torch' for their female friends. But regardless of whether he does or not (none of us can know as we can't see the body language etc) your husband's reaction is quite concerning. Is he often this controlling and aggressive?

What a bloody insult from your husband

I think he’s being daft, but then I think posters are being daft when the sexes are reversed as well - it’s pretty common on here to completely distrust husbands meeting up with a female colleague. What’s interesting is how many replies here see his response as revealing his true self/attitude towards women/own desires etc. When a wife is ‘not cool’ with her DH going for a coffee with a female colleague, does this mean that she is projecting too?

I (f) also work in a male dominated industry. Of course women can be friends with men without having a romantic relationship. Honestly I’d ask myself if he’s projecting - perhaps a romantic relationship is what he’d be looking for. I meet up with an old boss a couple of times a year, nothing in it beyond a catch up.

I asked DH his thoughts on when I go for lunch or coffee with my male friends and his response was:

"I always assume other men fancy you because why would they not? Doesn't mean they will act on it or that you would respond if they did. We have a good thing, and I trust you and the fact you don't want to ruin it".

That's my thoughts when it's reversed too. We both love our life together and neither of us want to risk it. We've had many a conversation over the years about this when we've seen friends relationships break down. If he chose to risk it for a quick fling elsewhere, then that's his decision. But I wouldn't stay with him. I'd be devastated he'd done it, but ultimately I'd be OK on my own. Same for him. We don't need each other, we choose to do life together.

If there's no trust, the relationship is at risk.

Thank you. I think the trust part is a major factor. His parents split when he was a teenager & I think there had been affairs on both sides which is awful. But I am not his Mum or Dad & I don’t think it’s fair to have that projected onto me. Like you said, it’s a choice. If someone made an advance at me I have a choice to rebuff them or accept. I love my partner so would always choose to reject any advance. I’d be gutted if my work mate made a move on me after 10 years of friendship, but I already know that if that ever happened my choice would be to reject him & end our friendship. This whole episode has now made me feel very uncomfortable about any interactions with males in the future & my partners possible reaction which I think is truly sad.

It is very sad. You need to be able to have a life and friendships outside of him without that being a problem.

Talk to him, see what he needs to not be insecure and then see if it's something you can do without compromising your own life for him.