Urgh, recurring argument. Am I overreacting?

[notthemayo]

Long story short, husband doesn’t cope with stress well (although he thinks he does). When stressed, he will pretty much ignore me/be snappy when I get home from work. This can go on for a few days up to a week.

When I ask what the matter is, he refuses to say and just tells me to ‘Leave it - I’m fine. I don’t need to talk about it like you do.’ So, obviously and probably quite annoyingly, I ask again later on to see if he’ll open up.

Cue being told, ‘I’m never allowed to be in a bad mood, only you are’, ‘I’m not creating a toxic atmosphere, you are’, ‘you always push my buttons rabbiting on like this’, ‘you always overreact - you’re the problem, not me’. We’ll go a couple of months where everything is great, then have this same issue send us back to what feels like square one.

We have a young child and I don’t want her normalising this. We’re currently on day 2 of frosty behaviour and I’m off work with a migraine as a result of the stress.

So, am I the problem? I’m starting to lose perspective on this.

Quite clearly, no you are definitely not the problem.

No, you are not the problem but I would ask once and then stop. If he replies "nothing" then I would simply say to him that if he doesn't want to talk about it, then he also needs to regulate his feelings better so it doesn't affect everyone in the house. You may still argue but at least you'll be making it crystal clear that you are not going to be responsible for his moods.

This used to happen with my ex wife... She would ask and i would say I'm fine/don't want to talk etc.. Then later ask me again, then again and to be honest it got to the point where it would wind me up. Never got into an argument about it to be fair, I'm not that sort of person.

Some folk, when they are in a mood it's best just to leave them be :)

@CatzaI have started to reduce the amount of times I ask, but the retort is the same: ‘You come home in all sorts of moods and I’m not allowed to say anything, but when it’s me it’s different’. I work in a very highly-pressured job based around safeguarding and admit that, sometimes when I come home, I need 5 mins just to be on my own. However, I never shout/name call/ignore him. At worst, I’m just a bit subdued. However, he sees this as me calling a double standard.

You do sound a bit much. Just when he is stressed already you keep asking him something he has already said that he doesn’t want to discuss. That would make me more irritable too.
If he is grumpy for a few days to a week every few months I don’t think that sounds terrible.
Next time he is stressed and grumpy roll your eyes when his back is turned and get on with it.

Thanks for sharing @dadtoateen. I do get that repeated asking is annoying, so am trying to knock that on the head. However, I still think the response is hugely disproportionate and, at times, it can be really quite scary. When I’ve voiced this to him, he’s laughed about my use of the word ‘scary’ and told me I’m being ridiculous and playing the victim.

He sounds like a wanker.

Fair enough, point taken. It’s definitely something I need to work on.

So, obviously and probably quite annoyingly, I ask again later on to see if he’ll open up.

Why? How is this the obvious reaction to someone wanting to be left alone? Why not just give him space? I’m genuinely asking - what’s your thought process?

It’s possible his reaction is disproportionate, but I’d be very frustrated if my partner regularly behaved the way you describe yourself behaving.

You sound like fun!

If he is shouting/ name calling/ ignoring you rather than being a bit subdued, this is abusive behaviour.

Him being snappy and irritable with you on a regualar basis is a problem, particularly when it's work related. I can slightly understand it being irritating to him if you keep asking when it's clear that he doesn't (ever) want to talk about it. I can also empathise with it being horrible to live with a moody twat, particularly when you've no idea if he's upset or angry with you or work or what.

He's moody, affecting you - you try to resolve it by asking what's wrong, he seems to somehow see that as an attack. He doesn't see things being improved by talking about what's bothering him, so I wonder if coming from another angle would perhaps work better. In the spirit of Non-Violent Communication (there are some excellent videos on you tube explaining the basics of NVC), you could try,

"When you [describe his behaviour without blame], it makes me feel [rejected/hurt/tense] and I end up with a stress migraine. Please can we work together to figure out a way for us both to get what we each need in those moments?"

"When you come home and you're not feeling good but you don't want to talk about it, I think you probably want some time to decompress, is that right? When you come home, there are things that I need too. I need to know if I'm the source of your feelings or not, so that I can avoid getting a stress migraine. I also need to know if you need to take a break from family time and for how long, so that I don't feel abandoned and unsure when it will end. How can we make sure that we both get our needs met?"

I would pick a time when things are ok and have a general chat about how you both handle stress. Talk about how it makes you feel, what helps and what doesn’t and then discuss how the other person’s handling of stress affects you.

You say that you work in a high stress job and that when you come in you need time to decompress. Give him chance to say how he feels about that and then explain how his behaviour impacts on you. Keep talking about choices since we choose our behaviour, it’s not visited upon us by others and then talk about non negotiables (name calling, cool atmospheres that last a long time etc).

A friend of mine whose DH did this told him
straight that when he did this, the message she got was ‘I really dislike you and you are the bane of my existence.’ He was really shocked and said it was how he handled stress but it wasn’t about her. She was clear that in behaving in this way he was punishing her for the stress he felt and she wasn’t going to put up with it. They have found a better way whereby he tells her he is stressed but it’s about x not her and he’s going off for a long walk to process it and they will talk when he gets back. She then is clear that the problem isn’t her and doesn’t ask again and he has learned that his moods have a bigger impact than he had thought and he needs to rein it in.

I’d try to approach it from both sides- you need to leave him in peace somewhat to give him time to process and he needs to get over himself and be kinder. However you look at it being in a mood for a few days up to a week is ridiculously long. DH and I wouldn’t make anything last for longer than a few hours without addressing it.

I would pick a time when things are ok and have a general chat about how you both handle stress. Talk about how it makes you feel, what helps and what doesn’t and then discuss how the other person’s handling of stress affects you.

You say that you work in a high stress job and that when you come in you need time to decompress. Give him chance to say how he feels about that and then explain how his behaviour impacts on you. Keep talking about choices since we choose our behaviour, it’s not visited upon us by others and then talk about non negotiables (name calling, cool atmospheres that last a long time etc).

A friend of mine whose DH did this told him
straight that when he did this, the message she got was ‘I really dislike you and you are the bane of my existence.’ He was really shocked and said it was how he handled stress but it wasn’t about her. She was clear that in behaving in this way he was punishing her for the stress he felt and she wasn’t going to put up with it. They have found a better way whereby he tells her he is stressed but it’s about x not her and he’s going off for a long walk to process it and they will talk when he gets back. She then is clear that the problem isn’t her and doesn’t ask again and he has learned that his moods have a bigger impact than he had thought and he needs to rein it in.

I’d try to approach it from both sides- you need to leave him in peace somewhat to give him time to process and he needs to get over himself and be kinder. However you look at it being in a mood for a few days up to a week is ridiculously long. DH and I wouldn’t make anything last for longer than a few hours without addressing it.

"It's not an exaggeration. Your moods have an effect on me. Sometimes your moods make me scared of you."

(That's very common and normal, especially as a woman when it's a man.)

Thanks @OuchAndAbout. I’ve tried a very similar way in to the conversation to what you’ve said - ‘When you said X, it made me feel X’. His standard response is that I always focus on MY feelings rather than considering his. He then often dismisses what I say next - a common theme is ‘This is what happens in relationships’ (prior to him, I only had shorter relationships, so he sees himself as having expertise here where I don’t - although none of his previous relationships seem to have been very healthy).

He shouts and name calls?

I’m glad your friend had such a great outcome with her partner 😊 Sadly, I’ve tried to have this conversation in almost exactly the same way - again, I’m told I’m overreacting or ‘making everything about you’.

Not all the time, but he has done. I’ve got OCD and GAD, and in the past he’s shouted that I’m ‘mad’, ‘insane’, ‘all about yourself’ etc. He says that this is ok in the heat of the moment in arguments and that we just need to ‘move on’ from these disputes.

To add to this, if ever I bring up previous name calling etc, he tells me I’m dwelling on the past too much and that I ‘carry too much’ with me, which isn’t normal.

Lots of employers have free EAP. He should get some advice on handling his emotions. Some people find it helpful, some don't.

Just some follow up suggestions that you may or may not have already tried:

"Okay, what ARE your feelings? I'd like both of us to have equal focus." ( try to avoid the phrase "talking about" because it seems to be a trigger word for him

"There is no set way that all relationships must function. THIS is the relationship that we are both in at the moment, so I'd like it if both of us have an opportunity to talk about what is helpful and what is hurtful in THIS relationship."

"Can you see that by avoiding talking about my feelings (or yours) you might be getting what you need, but I'm left not getting what I need. I'd like us both to get our needs met."

Thank you for sharing this. I will try it when I’m feeling better and the time is right.

Tell him he needs to get counselling so he has someone to talk to about his feelings.

If he’s stressed and not willing to open up to you, that’s fine, but it’s not fair for the household to be walking on eggshells around him so HE needs to get help for HIS problem.

He’s right in that this isn’t about you, so HE needs to find a way to be less stressed.

My abusive father used to do that (among other things). Lose his temper, scream and yell all sorts of things and then act like nothing happened, claim that he was not responsible for what he did when he was angry (you are because you shouldn't make him angry) and that stuff he did when angry didn't count, and, yes, you were dwelling and stuck in the past and not moving on if you remained angry after he decided it was all finished.

Naturally, of course, nobody else was allowed to say and do whatever they wanted when they were angry, he was not responsible for managing anyone else's moods and if you pissed him off, he could stay angry as long as he wanted.

Does this sound familiar? What does this relationship do for you?

Thank you. We’ve done couples therapy before as he’s refused to go solo. However, he’s said he won’t do it again as it ‘wasn’t helpful’. I just feel a bit stuck.