Urgh, recurring argument. Am I overreacting?

[notthemayo]

Long story short, husband doesn’t cope with stress well (although he thinks he does). When stressed, he will pretty much ignore me/be snappy when I get home from work. This can go on for a few days up to a week.

When I ask what the matter is, he refuses to say and just tells me to ‘Leave it - I’m fine. I don’t need to talk about it like you do.’ So, obviously and probably quite annoyingly, I ask again later on to see if he’ll open up.

Cue being told, ‘I’m never allowed to be in a bad mood, only you are’, ‘I’m not creating a toxic atmosphere, you are’, ‘you always push my buttons rabbiting on like this’, ‘you always overreact - you’re the problem, not me’. We’ll go a couple of months where everything is great, then have this same issue send us back to what feels like square one.

We have a young child and I don’t want her normalising this. We’re currently on day 2 of frosty behaviour and I’m off work with a migraine as a result of the stress.

So, am I the problem? I’m starting to lose perspective on this.

I'd say to him, if you want to be in an arse because you're stressed then go for it. You don't want to talk about it, that's fine. However, talk to me or treat me like a cunt because you're in a shitty mood and you can fuck off. I don't deserve to be treated that way just because you can't handle your stress yet refuse to let me help.

This is not ok.

Everyone has bad days/stressful days. Everyone deals with this differently.

What is not ok is to take it out on other people. Yes emotionally you could perhaps be a little irritable/snappy etc. But namecalling, sulking, shouting, withdrawing for hours even days. Absolutely not ok.

I can be irritable and snappy after a tough day at work, but i will recognise this and apologise fairly soon after, and I will also explain to my children that I need a bit more quiet time to come around after work etc. By doing this im showing them its ok to feel these things, and to respect how others feel, but there isnt an excuse for taking your mood out on others. You, and your child are not responsible for his mood.

Aside from how hes treating you, what kind of example is this setting to your child?!

It’s not you, it’s him.

Couples therapy did not work because he is at heart abusive. He would need years of therapy in any case and he’s not interested . Hr does this because he can.

He does not treat his work colleagues like he does you.
He’s all nicely nice with them. Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

I would carefully consider if you want to stay with him because if you stay you’re showing your child this treatment if you is acceptable to you on some level.

Ensuring my child has a good role model in both of us is my priority. Already, DC is picking up on the general mood when he’s in a funk - she was beside herself this morning when he had to get her ready for nursery as that’s usually what I do with her, and he was stressed out.

I’m going to try ‘dropping the rope’ while giving myself a deadline. I’m not going to live like this forever, especially when I have options.

If my DP spoke to me in these terms I’d know the relationship was over.

How so@Hellohelga?

If he was capable of using all these reasonable communication methods being suggested, he wouldn't be name calling and yelling at OP, even if she is annoying him.

It's hard to tell here whether there's a lot of 'heat' in this relationship, like whether the emotional tone goes up, you both get het up and you start arguing and quarelling, in which case his behaviour is not idea but essentially that's your communication method, or whether you are calm, keeping it measured and he's calling you names or belittling you. If it's the latter, then I agree looking at leaving looks more likely.

I do think you can get in very ingrained patterns of interaction, though, and the question is whether he or you are willing to step outside of those- it takes days or weeks til someone stops responding in a difficult tone/both the victim mentality because you have both been stuck in it a long time.

Try changing things and see how you feel. The reason I say that is you say you get on great the rest of the time, and so it does seem this is a reoccurring pattern rather than a pattern of him always being like this or putting you down. Not ok at all, but not perhaps the same as a fundamentally broken relationship (the Gottman's are very good on what the likelihood of your marriage succeeding and how to row back if you are going in the wrong direction).

I'm many decades older than you and my first husband was like this. Basically emotionally avoidant. I am so glad we divorced. He had an affair dragging other family members into it and his behaviour became almost unfathomable. I was devastated at the time that my children had lost their 'family unit', worried about absolutely everything to do with their lives, BUT I can say I managed to co-parent with (imho) a malignant narcissist and they are both emotionally well balanced, happy young adults enjoying their first homes and in successful careers. I never thought I could do single parenting but it is infinitely better for the children than living in an atmosphere of treading on eggshells. They were 2 & 1 back then. Good luck OP.

My usual question. What does he bring to the party?

This man and so.many others is emotionally immature and projects his feelings onto you .
It goes like this
Stress-inability to cope with negative feelings-projects onto you-you react-he blames you further and diffuses his feelings/ anger onto you-he feels better -you feel awful

Successful transfer of negative feelings to you

When you have an angry, emotionally immature parent they literally train you absorb their feelings and to be the emotional punchbag and this is why abusers seek you out.
You are their " supply" to prop them up

The trick is to put up a glass wall or mirror in your mind and leave him to deal with his own feelings.
They are literally NOTHING to do with you

I think your should leave this man and do some pretty hefty counselling/ the Freedom Programme.

This is horrible. Plus the fact he tells you 'this is what relationships are like', inferrring that you don;t understand because you're not as experienced with long term relationships as him. He's trying to make you doubt yourself, and it's obviously working.

This has genuinely brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing, and well done for being such a powerhouse for your children. I’m not scared of being a solo parent, more of the (potential) next steps of ending the relationship. He’s away multiple nights a year (has a week away upcoming) and has an active social life, so I’m no stranger to it just being me and DC. And - quite frankly - it can be so much easier when it’s just the two of us. No stress, no promoting him to get off his phone and help/engage with DC.

My mum is incredible and I know I can bank on her full support, whatever I decide to do. I’m very lucky to have options.

I swear mine gets the male equivalent of PMT - when I ask how his day has been and I am told ‘shite’ I just say oh dear is it that time of the month again 😂

This is exactly the pattern. I am so drained, and now facing a formal warning at work for absence related to stress migraines.

If he wanted to talk about his stress, he'd talk about it. It would wind me up if someone was badgering me when I didn't want to talk about it, just give him space like he does for you when you're stressed.
You may be being triggered by him being stressed and shutting down but that's on you. You need to work on your anxiety and being able to accept it's not all sunshine and rainbows, sometimes people will have a bad day and not want to talk.

You’re right, I am doubting myself. This quote is a constant in our relationship - I don’t ‘understand’ relationships and day-to-day quarrels. My parents very seldom argued in front of me, which he uses as a reason why I’m argument-avoidant. He says he can’t compete with my parents’ ‘perfect’ relationship, even though he knows it was far from it.

I get that, and that’s something I’m working on. But are you saying that this excuses his responses? Because I don’t see there should ever be an excuse for speaking to me like he has.

Communication is the answer, and maybe good couples counselling if things don’t improve.

You need to catch him at a good moment, a Friday night or similar when you both have time. Set aside time together. Ask yourself, “is now the right time, are we both in the right headspace to have this chat now?” And if the answer is yes, then “can I say what I need to say in a way that he will hear me?” Communicate to him what you need- that you love him, and appreciate he needs space sometimes but that when he does xyz it makes you feel like you’re treading on eggshells. Speak in the “I” eg “x makes me feel like I…” rather than “you always”. Obviously endure you are both feeling calm and open to listening before this chat.

Really let him communicate what he needs also. Perhaps when he feels stressed he simply needs space or to go into his cave.

really listen to each other. Don’t interrupt, and don’t try to point score - just listen. When he’s finished, reflect back what he said, “I heard you say that you need xyz etc” Then try to meet each other half way. You’ll give him more space to a reasonable degree and stop asking all the time. From his side he will tell you he’s in a stressful place and respect that he needs space, he’ll remain polite, and come back to you when he’s ready.

For now if he behaves like this-do not engage
AT ALL

If he's in a shitty mood, give him space and resist the urge to question, repair, explain

Note his behaviour and remove yourself quietly

Then once you are feeling better,make plans to leave , it never gets better

Couples counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is not a relationship issue. Ferris - ops man is unwilling to go to counselling again (no surprise there).

He wants absolute power and control over you op make no mistake. Do not lose your job because of him, tell your manager what is going on. Abuse like this thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open
now. You have options here op - exercise them fully. Your dd will thank you for showing her that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

And I have no doubt whatsoever he is making both your ocd and gad worse. He needs to be gone from your day to day life.

Ok sorry, I confess I hadn’t RTFT, only OP’s comments. I’d suggest thinking about my advice as a last try in that case and if he flat out refuses in any situation to engage on an adult level, then of course it’s fruitless.

I agree that he sounds emotionally abusive. Read It's not you by Dr Ramani and take a look at her YouTube videos. See if anything resonates. I left an emotionally abusive relationship (bad moods, name calling, being told I had too high standards and expected our relationship to be perfect, emotionally manipulative) with 3 children. Honestly, the peace is amazing. Separating/divorcing is hard, but so worth it. Take care.

Well done. Saying a calm 'thanks' in that situation was brilliant, just the job.

You know when a small child is having a complaining, whingeing session and the best thing to do is just blithely ignore it all until they realise they are getting nowhere? Treat him as you would a toddler. Reward good behaviour and ignore the bad. It takes two to argue. It might not change him, but at least you won't be stoking the boiler and you should end up feeling a lot less stressed.

I haven't RTFT so don't know whether anyone else has mentioned it, but maybe read up on the grey rock technique.

By the way, I'm not suggesting you adapt to his toxic behaviour so you can stay in the relationship, this is just to make life more tolerable in the short term. I'm inclined to think you'd be better off dumping the bastard.