Urgh, recurring argument. Am I overreacting?

[notthemayo]

Long story short, husband doesn’t cope with stress well (although he thinks he does). When stressed, he will pretty much ignore me/be snappy when I get home from work. This can go on for a few days up to a week.

When I ask what the matter is, he refuses to say and just tells me to ‘Leave it - I’m fine. I don’t need to talk about it like you do.’ So, obviously and probably quite annoyingly, I ask again later on to see if he’ll open up.

Cue being told, ‘I’m never allowed to be in a bad mood, only you are’, ‘I’m not creating a toxic atmosphere, you are’, ‘you always push my buttons rabbiting on like this’, ‘you always overreact - you’re the problem, not me’. We’ll go a couple of months where everything is great, then have this same issue send us back to what feels like square one.

We have a young child and I don’t want her normalising this. We’re currently on day 2 of frosty behaviour and I’m off work with a migraine as a result of the stress.

So, am I the problem? I’m starting to lose perspective on this.

I've been really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but it's getting much harder.

That's gaslighting, and no, that's not okay, even if it's "only" in the heat of the moment. It sounds as if he doesn't ever reflect on his words and actions, including apologising when needed, which isn't healthy (or sustainable in any relationship) in the slightest.

This was my father too, at times.

I’m honestly not sure what our relationship brings currently. When it’s good, it’s great - I was saying to my friend just the other day what a great few weeks we’ve had. Then I came home on Monday to the above argument - this tends to be the cycle.

I’m on a hefty dose of antidepressants already, approaching a milestone birthday and just want some certainty as to what I should do!

This might be a controversial take, but despite the fact that it has been roundly criticised, I think John Grey's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was onto something in regards to how men typically handle stress compared with women.

He suggested that women often like to talk about their problems, and men often retreat and go into their 'mancave' (whether actual or symbolic), retreating and then coming out when they've processed the emotion.

By asking more than once if he wants to talk about it, you are poking the bear. Now, of course he shouldn't reply in a rude or derogatory way, but you are not listening to him- he said he doesn't want to talk about it and you then ask him later or several times if he wants to talk about it. Next time you see him come in stressed and looking 'off' and he says he doesn't want to talk about it, just say 'you look stressed, let me know if you want to talk about it' and then get on with your life. Don't ask him if he wants to talk about it again, if he did, he would let you know, and don't watch him for signs of stress as that doesn't help if you are stressed!

You absolutely have the right not to be snapped at or belittled in conversations and you can make this much clearer and set those boundaries once you start listening to what he's saying.

People tend to come out of stress much quicker if you don't pester them or add further stress on the top, he may well then end up turning to you, or saying he feels better.

There's a lot wrong with that book, but I've always felt this rings true to me and I've seen it in action in my own relationships, two or three days of being stressed and 'inner' and men often then just right themselves again. He doesn't get to make an atmosphere or you tread on eggshells at that time though, and that's a hard boundary. He can grumpily process his stress upstairs/away from you.

You’ve made a great point - he never apologises. He’ll ask for a hug etc when (I assume) he knows he’s upset me, but very, very rarely apologises. However, a few years ago he was the one who told me I never apologised or admitted I’m in the wrong (he still maintains the latter). However can you argue against someone who says you’ll never admit you’re wrong without further proving their point?

He's an arsehole who gets in a foul mood for whatever reason and then takes it out on you. I don't suppose his behaviour is going to change, despite your many attempts to reason with him, so (aside from leaving him) the only thing you have control of is your own reaction to it.

When he starts being a moody arsehole, just pay no attention to it, and carry on as normal. Completely ignore the bad mood, and don't ask him about it. You have learned that you cannot resolve it that way, so you are wasting your time trying. Let him stew in his own juice, and keep any conversation casual.

Smile, keep calm, grit your teeth and rise above it.

Hopefully it will work eventually. If it doesn't, get your ducks in a row and see a solicitor.

You might also read 'Let Them' by Mel Robbins which I've recommended on here so many times. You can't control his behaviour, and you can only change yourself- so you change. Perhaps be less sympathetic and 'concerned' if he's stressed, just ignore him. Break the cycle your end and see what happens.

Why are you still arguing? You are stuck in the same arguments. You don't need to do these arguments again and again, he's not going to change, you think what you think, no need to keep having this same pattern again and again. I once read a quote which said 'you can be right or you can be happy'. You are still wanting to be right, but you are not happy. Drop your end of the argument and see what happens.

It seems like he uses WhatAboutery quite often. It seems like it's worked for him as a tactic for taking the heat off himself and making you doubt yourself.

"If you'd like to raise something that you find problematic with my behaviour I'm willing to have that discussion. I would like to still be able to address this in you."

Maybe its helpful to understand that not everyone wants to talk about things. Some people just like to deal with whatever it is on their own. As long as youre making it clear that you're there for him then leave him be. Make sure that hes not taking his bad mood out on you or your child and let him het on with it. Its annoying for someone to ask you over and over again to talk when you dont want to. Its akin to hurting yourself reqlly badly and someone constantly asking 'are you okay'.

"If you'd like to raise something that you find problematic with my behaviour I'm willing to have that discussion. I would like to still be able to address this in you."

I suspect he'll be down for this if it means addressing only OP's errors, but he'll have no interest at all in acknowledging or addressing any of his own. He won't be looking to meet her halfway.

Some really helpful points @OuchAndAbout@FlyHighLikeABird@justtheotheronemrswembley Leaving him is not off the table, and is something I’ve considered multiple times. I just have that horrible niggling doubt of ‘what if it’s a mistake?’

Put the ‘grit your teeth’ idea to the test just now when I had to ask him to pick our child up from nursery. He huffed and puffed before sighing, ‘Well I guess I’ll have to, won’t I’. No reaction from me, just a calm ‘thanks’. Honestly, it’s painful.

If I had the time, money and scientific mind, I’d really love to do a study on women who are on anti-depressants during a shitty relationship and whether they still need the medication once out of said shitty relationship; I think they’d be some really interesting results.

How does your OCD and GAD manifest, OP? Do you need reassurance a lot (hence the multiple and repeated asking if he’s ok etc)?

he shouldn’t be shouting etc.

I do think this is a double standard OP. You say that your DH doesn’t handle stress well so he snaps, while you handle stress by retreating. Is one way better than the other? Especially when he seems to snap at being asked if he’s okay over and over again.

When I’m stressed I retreat, and in the early stages of our relationship that used to be challenging for my wife, as she handles stress differently, so now when I need some time I communicate it clearly to her and say I am stressed/overwhelmed etc. and just need some time to decompress, and she understands.

I think you both need to sit down and talk through your individual coping mechanisms, and do it at a time when neither of you are finding things stressful.

Make sure that hes not taking his bad mood out on you or your child and let him het on with it.

How can OP make sure of that?!
He's being frosty for days and they're feeling they have to be on eggshells. How can OP stop these bad moods from causing a bad atmosphere?

Drop the rope
Don't ask him if he's OK
Completely ignore his moods other than maybe a polite "you seem stressed? I'm here if you want to chat about it later"
Then just be normal but don't go over the top trying to smooth his mood for your DC. Just act as normal and see if he comes round later on when you can chat about it

If he escalates for attention or is mean and calls you or DC names, unprovoked, becomes more moody and slamming doors etc then you know it requires further discussion and he needs to go to the GP get counselling and maybe antids. If continues then ultimatum time

I don't know how you'd progress with a man who clearly is holding resentment and has developed point scoring tendencies and seems selfish and defensive. My DH and I talk openly about things after we argue and have dropped the "ego" - ok I'm a mental health professional so I drone on about this - but we talk openly now about we said X because we felt defensive, what we can do to change, try and check in every 6 months or so without it being too scripted
If he is unable to self reflect then I'm not sure! Some people genuinely don't.

I’ve been on antidepressants twice during my life - once during a breakdown while living in a foreign country, the other post-natal in this relationship. I know my feelings on this…

Tbh OP if you're at the point where having "a great few weeks" in each other's company is noteworthy, then you're probably not with the right person.
Sorry.

Good point. I used to need more reassurance, but not for years now. It mostly manifests as checking and troubles ‘reading’ tricky situations at work. I suppose the crux of it is, neither of us are likely to change in any huge way. So if we can’t learn to accept each others’ differences, what now?

(WRT the above, my husband would give this as an example of me ‘spiralling’ and letting my thoughts and feelings get the better of me.)

Sorry, I should have been clear - I do tell him that I need a few minutes and explain why before I retreat. There’s never a point where I just disappear and leave him guessing.

This is exactly the sort of conversation I would love us to have, but he hates any kind of earnest talk/reflection time. He had a very turbulent upbringing with lots of heated words and arguing, which he now sees as normal. Talking about feelings is not the ‘done’ thing in his family. You fight, then you move on.

I second the whole ‘drop the rope’ as the best way to break the cycle. He is used to a pattern of responses from you that allow him to stomp about and be moody while still getting your full attention. Take away that attention and there is nothing to feed his mood from your side.

if it all persists with no obvious engagement from you then you know it’s all him. And then you can decide how you want to progress.

edited to add that I grew up in a door slamming, arguing shouting household and when I met my husband I had to unlearn this behaviour. I believe it’s called growing up and learning to manage your emotions like an adult b

I think this post says it best tbh.

Thanks for sharing your experience of living in a similar household. I appreciate it’s tough for him to unlearn this, but he’s nearly 50 now and I wonder how set in his ways he is…

I’m going to try the whole ‘drop the rope’ theory and see how that goes. Any gripping about nursery pick up, I’m just going to ignore.

Agree with the above. If you’ve tried the talking about how it makes you feel and he won’t listen I think ignoring it entirely is your next approach.

Its very hard, but some people thrive on the attention that sulking and bad moods gets them, even if that’s negative attention, so withdrawing that sometimes brings into focus how ridiculously they are behaving.

It’s also harder to argue that a calm, settled person is in the wrong, not the raging stroppy one so you gather back some control of the situation. I think I’d choose to treat it like I would when one of my teenagers was having a moody time - carry on with what I’m doing as usual and don’t bite back at the grumpy comments, almost pretend it’s not happening. With the teenagers, once they’d snapped out of it we’d have a talk along the lines of ‘Now what was that all about?’. You might find that he’s wrong-footed by your lack of entering into the drama and you might actually get somewhere. I do hope so because it sounds really horrible for you.