Urgh, recurring argument. Am I overreacting?

[notthemayo]

Long story short, husband doesn’t cope with stress well (although he thinks he does). When stressed, he will pretty much ignore me/be snappy when I get home from work. This can go on for a few days up to a week.

When I ask what the matter is, he refuses to say and just tells me to ‘Leave it - I’m fine. I don’t need to talk about it like you do.’ So, obviously and probably quite annoyingly, I ask again later on to see if he’ll open up.

Cue being told, ‘I’m never allowed to be in a bad mood, only you are’, ‘I’m not creating a toxic atmosphere, you are’, ‘you always push my buttons rabbiting on like this’, ‘you always overreact - you’re the problem, not me’. We’ll go a couple of months where everything is great, then have this same issue send us back to what feels like square one.

We have a young child and I don’t want her normalising this. We’re currently on day 2 of frosty behaviour and I’m off work with a migraine as a result of the stress.

So, am I the problem? I’m starting to lose perspective on this.

It’s not. No way in hell would I put up with my husband acting like that.

Whoah where do you work? A warning for migraines? That’s not right.

Hmm...
This is a a pickle. I have to admit it sounds like the snake that is biting its own tail, to be honest: he is frustrated, you ask why he's frustrated, and he gets more frustrated...
From the outside, my first thought is that there are mistakes on both sides... Now an easy fix could seem like "stop asking him what his problem is". Sure, being badgered with questions repeatedly is not great after you expressed no interest in talking about it... I get that. However, that does not fix him being in moods. Everyone is allowed to feel what they feel, and feel frustrated when it needs to happen, but taking work-related stress home and let your loved ones be on the receiving end on it is a special form of immaturity in my book. A grown man needs to be able to regulate it, if not, rely on some outside help to make it work. It is important when it's the norm for him, and it clearly is. I work in a very stressful environment, never once made it my wife or kids' problem, they have nothing to do with it.
Have you talked about it with your husband if he feels ok about having your kids grow up seeing this behaviour as normal, and would he be happy if this is the type of adult they become as a result, or if he'd be at peace if they in the future married someone who acts this way because "it's normal" ?

I think if you’ve seriously considered leaving someone then the relationship is probably already over. Because even if you’d still like it to work you don’t love them anymore.

I'm sorry, OP, this sounds really difficult for you, and exhausting! You may find it helpful to read 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans. She describes what you are experiencing.

Don't ask, behave as though nothing has changed and your child may well normalise your behaviour not his.
Personally regardless of circumstances I couldn't tolerate such man-child behaviour so often, there'd be bollockings and then explore my options outside of the marriage

Having read all your posts, OP, I'd be out of there I'm afraid. He clearly has no interest in fixing this, or in treating you as a loving and cherished partner.

If it was just the "What's wrong?" "I don't want to talk about it" thing, I'd recommend saying "Nothing I've done? Super -maybe don't take it out on me then?" and carry on with my day cheerfully ignoring any huffing and puffing (I have a very stroppy teenager) but this has gone beyond that.

In a healthy relationship, silence comes AFTER conflict resolution.

In an unhealthy relationship, silence is used as a weapon.

There's a big difference. And I'd be very surprised if his behaviour is the same at work as at home. Is he freezing out his colleagues? No. It's a choice - and he's taking his feelings out on you.

My ex-husband was the same. Hence the ex.

When I ask what the matter is, he refuses to say and just tells me to ‘Leave it - I’m fine. I don’t need to talk about it like you do.’ So, obviously and probably quite annoyingly, I ask again later on to see if he’ll open up

I've been there.

The second sentence says a lot, because he could have simply said 'I don't need to talk about it', but there's a whiff of sexist 'I'm-better-than-you' here in what he says. There are many men who like to think of themselves as stoic, heroic types, never asking for emotional support or help when actually, what they're doing is either taking their temper out of their partner, or, they're behaving so badly in the hope that their partner fawns on them and give them the emotional support that they actually want. In either case, it's damaging.

Not all the time, but he has done. I’ve got OCD and GAD, and in the past he’s shouted that I’m ‘mad’, ‘insane’, ‘all about yourself’ etc. He says that this is ok in the heat of the moment in arguments and that we just need to ‘move on’ from these disputes

No it's not ok. He's just saying that because he doesn't want to take accountability from his outbursts.

@OuchAndAbout I can understand why you'd suggest that, but people like this don't really want a resolution. What they want is to carry on expressing their anger and stress in a way that they prefer.

@dadtoateen I can understand how this would be very annoying and enough to wind up most people. However, the reason why some people do that is because when one person is in a mood, especially in a small house, it creates a heavy, tense, sad atmosphere and it's very unpleasant to live under someone else's dark cloud a lot.

OP, this may not be practical for you, but as soon as you detect even a hint of atmosphere in the air, disengage from him. Don't ask him how he is. Don’t try to make conversation. Leave the room and make yourself busy elsewhere.

If it's performative sulking designed to get you fawning then he'll try to follow you around to make sure you witness it. The whole point is to put you through emotional pain, because he wants to take out his anger & stress on you. The whole situation is not ok, and you shouldn't have to go through days of actively avoiding your partner like this.

Ignore it. It goes away more quickly when you don’t give it attention.

The push pull cycle is a huge dynamic in a relationship. When you feel yourself wanting to lean in (ask what’s wrong) do the opposite to your instinct. Subconsciously he will pick this up and come forward to you (share what’s happening more readily and without being asked)

I posted something very similar on here a couple of years ago and under another name and got this advice. I didn’t think it would work. It has saved our marriage.

My DH has since had an autism diagnosis - that has been very helpful

Maybe this isn’t a question of right and wrong, just what’s wrong for you. I wouldn’t expect him to change - that’s not excusing his behaviour but if you keep thinking it will change that is likely to lead to disappointment.

So you need to decide if it’s something you can live with, if it’s worth it, or not. If you decide to stay with him then you need to not be on eggshells the whole time and just ignore him or tell him where to go. But the power here is yours - yours to decide what you want. What you don’t have is the power to change his behaviour.