Room change has ruined sex life

[Springsnail]

Basically,
We have a 3 storey house ..we were on the top floor at the back ..now we have our bedroom in the middle of the house .
There are teenagers / adult DC ..two in bedrooms above and two either side .
To get to their bedroom they have to walk past ours .
It's not a big house despite many rooms
I can not for love nor money relax enough for any action since we swapped rooms .
DC have girlfriends in and out at all hours as well ,walking past our room .
The rooms either side have DC who are home 24/7
In the great scheme of things it's not a problem..but DH can't be thrilled about this situation..
There is no opportunity to have the house to ourselves or to get away alone for a night ..it's taken two DC wherever we go ( difficult family situation)
I worry men leave sex less relationships ..so I need to do something

Over a SEN child?

Start getting dressed/undressed in your room so you HAVE to shut the door

I could never do that ,he needs my care and understanding

OP, with kindness, does this one child of yours need specialist care and support to live out of your home, so that both he and your other children are safe and supported?

I haven't been shutting the door , because I need to hear what's going on.
I'm hyper vigilant to any cross words so I can nip them in the bud.
We are ( believe it or not ) in a really good place as a family
It's been quite a while since any major violence, or aggressions
And I intend to keep it that way
It's not nice having social services in your life ,so I don't want to go backwards in life , hence me not swapping rooms back

What happens to the person who needs your care and attention as you get older or are no longer there?
Start making changes now

Is there anyone who can ‘babysit’ for a night so you and DH can have some time away?
or be naughty and book into a Travelodge for a couple of hours during the day…

Ugh, i couldn’t do it in those circumstances either op. I’d move back if I wanted a happy relationship.

@Springsnail bless you, you sound hyper vigilant with good reason and love your family very much.

Where is your husband in all of this? Is he sharing the mental load? Have you had a conversation about the sex situation so you can resolve it together?

My tips for you are morning sex, a lock on the door to help you relax, bathroom - taps on and have a quickie in there if possible? Other ones are if everyone is downstairs sneak up stairs with your DH?

Sorry just read you can’t be away for the night….
in the shower?

Is it just me who finds it utterly shocking someone would suggest getting rid of their sen child so they can shag their husband and should prioritise their sex life over their child,

Do you actually want to have sex? I’m asking because you say you’re worried your dh will leave if you don’t - that to me sounds like you actually don’t want to. And that’s fine if you don’t- having a family with complex needs is enough to kill off most people’s libidos (similar situation here). People who don’t have those issues will not understand or realise how normal it is in these situations to just not have sex. Don’t have sex just to please someone else, over time it just becomes soul destroying.

It doesn't sound like OP doesn't want sex. It's fine for her not to want it, but it's also fine for her DH to leave a sexless marriage, because these can also be soul-destroying.

Well yes but how will he know how she feels if she’s not honest about it? Then he can make a choice about what to do.

Thankyou
I was trying not to derail the thread with any tails of woe
But people ask questions to try to understand,so they can help
DH ,is ok .. sometimes great .
Definitely shares the mental load
Has not once complained about lack of action
We were definitely tucked away on the top floor ,with no one walking past our room.
Definitely didn't think this would end up being the issue when we swapped

I definitely don't want him to leave

I got into the habit of going to bed early and watching TV.
If you have a lock on the door they can’t barge in.

Positions like being on the floor, standing facing the wall or sitting on a chair are much quieter than a headboard banging.

If it’s normal for you to be alone in the evenings with the TV on then they won’t know what you’re up to.
Chances are they’ll have their own TVs etc on at the same time.

But it sounds like you just can’t get in the mood because your kids need so much care.

If it’s something you’re struggling with then I’d get you and DH to pull a sicky and spend the entire day in bed. It sounds like sex and cuddles with no responsibilities is what you both need right now.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure what we can advise on a daily basis if one of your DC are violent.

Violence why are you allowing this to go on?

Thanks ..that's some good ideas

I'm not
I'm on the ball
Hyper vigilant to any cross words so nothing develops

It sounds like both bedrooms on the top floor were occupied when you were up there?

So can you move back to your old room and move the potentially violent child to the other top floor bedroom? Thus achieving both goals of them being on a separate floor to sibling(s) and getting back your privacy.

Have you talked to you DH about it? Maybe he can come up with some ideas?
Yes, some men leave sexless marriages but they rarely leave marriages when the sex is maybe less often but more exciting, so snatch moments in time and grab him when the time feels right. It’ll make you laugh together, and can be really intimate. I won’t consider the whole ‘you’ve got to have sex to keep him faithful’ thing, as I’m sure both you and your DH simply want the same result here and neither of you want to leave the marriage.

Yes
Possibly
But I need DC 3 to leave home to do that ..and he's still house hunting

Why does he need to leave home if there are enough bedrooms for everyone? Surely he just stays on first floor?

We an talk about anything
Except sex .. bizarrely
So I've actually no idea what he's thinking.
Maybe he's got to old for it ..he's 53